Economics of Dating a Divorced Man w/ 2 noncustodial kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Alimony does not last for life. $250k is a lot of money. I know not for this board but, for most people. Even if he had to give his ex $100k a year, I think you can probably have a very nice life with him on what's left.

Yes, it can. My husband's ex gets about 1/2 his military retirement (they were married just over 10 years so 1/2 makes no sense for life long). It ends when either she dies or he dies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would much rather date a man paying child support for his kids than one who resents the obligation and tries to weasel out of supporting his kids.

A man that pays child support is a man that lives up to his responsibilities. That is precisely who I would want to marry.

+1, at least you know what kind of man and father he is. Even though it doesn't seem like it, child support is time limited and kids will only be little so long (it did seem like a long time when I was first with my husband but now it been over for several years, no big deal).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am married a previously divorced man. He does not pay his ex alimony, but did provide child support and is now paying for college. Step-kids are 18 and 20, and we have 5 year old twins together. My salary does not go towards child support/college costs, but it definitely impacts our family budget and the choices we make for our whole family. I love my stepkids to pieces, and have no regrets about marrying a man with children at all, but there are a lot of things to consider before you jump into this. The combination of having step children and having a large family can be very challenging. Time and resources are limited, and it's hard to balance it all.


Some things I had not really considered when I was dating DH:

-we had to buy a house with enough room for a family of six, and within close proximity to older kids schools and their mother's house
-we have to have a car big enough to fit everyone
-we are taking a vacation with just the two five year olds this year for the first time because the college aged kids have a different spring break (don't worry, they are going on great vacations during their own spring breaks), and it's crazy how much cheaper/logistically easier it is to travel with only four of us
-having older kids/teens and babies/toddlers at the same time is HARD, especially for my husband who was extremely careful to continue spending a lot of time with the older kids, he didn't want them to lose out because we chose to have more kids. DH has limited time off, and if stepdaughter had a volleyball tournament, he would go to that (rightfully!) and I would be home with the babies, DH and stepkids went on several ski weekends away (as they had always done) etc. OF COURSE I support him spending time with kids, but it can be tough to balance and it's hard not to feel a tiny bit resentful when you are home with the little kids and he is off doing fun things with the older kids. It's gotten a lot better now that the twins are old enough to do fun things with, we have had a lot of great family adventures and trips, but it's hard to find things to that interest everybody.

I'm wondering if his older kids lived with the mother, as that all sounds excessive. Our situation was the every other weekend visit so didn't impact our house or car decisions. We had our own young children so we did take our own vacations. His older child was either in school or went with the mom to visit family so never a issue.

When he was a teen the mother got tired of his attitude, and tried to get us to take him full time. Since she wanted full custody to begin with we weren't going to play along, plus it wouldn't have worked. When she found out I was pregnant she promptly took us back to court for more CS. It all backfired on her, she only received $40 extra a month. We chose never to fight with her, simply disengaged from all her antics to where she didn't have a choice but to leave us alone.

My advice would be to find someone without kids, and remember the ex could also be a problem. All different situations, but since you don't have kids I would move along.

This all makes me feel very sad for your step son. You don't bring him on vacation with you? Or have a room for him in your home? And neither of his parents want him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am married a previously divorced man. He does not pay his ex alimony, but did provide child support and is now paying for college. Step-kids are 18 and 20, and we have 5 year old twins together. My salary does not go towards child support/college costs, but it definitely impacts our family budget and the choices we make for our whole family. I love my stepkids to pieces, and have no regrets about marrying a man with children at all, but there are a lot of things to consider before you jump into this. The combination of having step children and having a large family can be very challenging. Time and resources are limited, and it's hard to balance it all.


Some things I had not really considered when I was dating DH:

-we had to buy a house with enough room for a family of six, and within close proximity to older kids schools and their mother's house
-we have to have a car big enough to fit everyone
-we are taking a vacation with just the two five year olds this year for the first time because the college aged kids have a different spring break (don't worry, they are going on great vacations during their own spring breaks), and it's crazy how much cheaper/logistically easier it is to travel with only four of us
-having older kids/teens and babies/toddlers at the same time is HARD, especially for my husband who was extremely careful to continue spending a lot of time with the older kids, he didn't want them to lose out because we chose to have more kids. DH has limited time off, and if stepdaughter had a volleyball tournament, he would go to that (rightfully!) and I would be home with the babies, DH and stepkids went on several ski weekends away (as they had always done) etc. OF COURSE I support him spending time with kids, but it can be tough to balance and it's hard not to feel a tiny bit resentful when you are home with the little kids and he is off doing fun things with the older kids. It's gotten a lot better now that the twins are old enough to do fun things with, we have had a lot of great family adventures and trips, but it's hard to find things to that interest everybody.

I'm wondering if his older kids lived with the mother, as that all sounds excessive. Our situation was the every other weekend visit so didn't impact our house or car decisions. We had our own young children so we did take our own vacations. His older child was either in school or went with the mom to visit family so never a issue.

When he was a teen the mother got tired of his attitude, and tried to get us to take him full time. Since she wanted full custody to begin with we weren't going to play along, plus it wouldn't have worked. When she found out I was pregnant she promptly took us back to court for more CS. It all backfired on her, she only received $40 extra a month. We chose never to fight with her, simply disengaged from all her antics to where she didn't have a choice but to leave us alone.

My advice would be to find someone without kids, and remember the ex could also be a problem. All different situations, but since you don't have kids I would move along.

We had a similar situation. When we got married, ex filed in court for more child support based on my income (funny how she refused to tell the judge about her live in boyfriend who pay the rent and utility bills and refused to pay his child support. It backfired as the judge removed the alimony which was over a year prior, removed two of the three kids from child support (over 18) and gave my husband more visitation requiring her to pay 1/2 the plane tickets. Plus, she had huge attorney bills to pay back. She then tried to double dip via filing a garnishment with the military retirement and his employer. It was a big mess. We had to take her back to court to get the overpayments back. After that, she left us alone but refused to allow the youngest contact with his father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am married a previously divorced man. He does not pay his ex alimony, but did provide child support and is now paying for college. Step-kids are 18 and 20, and we have 5 year old twins together. My salary does not go towards child support/college costs, but it definitely impacts our family budget and the choices we make for our whole family. I love my stepkids to pieces, and have no regrets about marrying a man with children at all, but there are a lot of things to consider before you jump into this. The combination of having step children and having a large family can be very challenging. Time and resources are limited, and it's hard to balance it all.


Some things I had not really considered when I was dating DH:

-we had to buy a house with enough room for a family of six, and within close proximity to older kids schools and their mother's house
-we have to have a car big enough to fit everyone
-we are taking a vacation with just the two five year olds this year for the first time because the college aged kids have a different spring break (don't worry, they are going on great vacations during their own spring breaks), and it's crazy how much cheaper/logistically easier it is to travel with only four of us
-having older kids/teens and babies/toddlers at the same time is HARD, especially for my husband who was extremely careful to continue spending a lot of time with the older kids, he didn't want them to lose out because we chose to have more kids. DH has limited time off, and if stepdaughter had a volleyball tournament, he would go to that (rightfully!) and I would be home with the babies, DH and stepkids went on several ski weekends away (as they had always done) etc. OF COURSE I support him spending time with kids, but it can be tough to balance and it's hard not to feel a tiny bit resentful when you are home with the little kids and he is off doing fun things with the older kids. It's gotten a lot better now that the twins are old enough to do fun things with, we have had a lot of great family adventures and trips, but it's hard to find things to that interest everybody.

I'm wondering if his older kids lived with the mother, as that all sounds excessive. Our situation was the every other weekend visit so didn't impact our house or car decisions. We had our own young children so we did take our own vacations. His older child was either in school or went with the mom to visit family so never a issue.

When he was a teen the mother got tired of his attitude, and tried to get us to take him full time. Since she wanted full custody to begin with we weren't going to play along, plus it wouldn't have worked. When she found out I was pregnant she promptly took us back to court for more CS. It all backfired on her, she only received $40 extra a month. We chose never to fight with her, simply disengaged from all her antics to where she didn't have a choice but to leave us alone.

My advice would be to find someone without kids, and remember the ex could also be a problem. All different situations, but since you don't have kids I would move along.

Excessive? NP here, but my husband's kids live with their mother and are with us every other weekend plus 8 weeks in the summer. Of course our house and car decisions were impacted! And our vacations include them and our younger children. What, they are not supposed to vacation with their father? Only his new kids get to go?

We did weekend trips when his child could go, camping and such. Christmas and other holidays his mom wanted him with her family. Since it was the only time we could see my family who lived in different states we went to visit them. This worked for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was/is my situation as well. I married a man with 2 kids from his ex wife who is a SAHM. The kids are now in college and we pay for that. We also have 2 children. DH still provides alimony to the ex and will continue to do so for many more years.

OP--this is a conversation you need to have and you need to understand the full ramifications of his financial commitments. DH makes $300K and I make $200K. The reality of the finances are that his salary goes to support his first family and my salary supports our family. He didn't always make $300K so there is no college savings. We pay out of pocket each year.

Even at $500 HHI, we fight about money and we are on a budget. To us, we have 4 children and we consider each one and the impact it has on the others. Financially, each child has their own needs. The older ones have college tuition and the associated costs, the younger ones had daycare and now aftercare as well as summer camps.

Vacations are pretty basic and we always take them as a family of 6. There are no European trips or exotic beach destinations.

There are also times when the ex wife would call and need something new. Like a new car or a new roof. You need to be prepared to accept these things as part of his life.

DH and I dated for 10 years before we were able to work everything out and come to terms with what our life would look like together.

The good news is that there is an end. The children eventually graduate from college. But again, there's no guarantee that they will be able to support themselves. Just as if my bio children needed some financial help after college, if my step kids need monthly help, we will send them money.

The way I look at it is that in my marriage there are 3 adults, 4 children, 2 households, and 2 salaries. The 2 salaries have to make everything else work.

You nee to learn how to budget better. We managed a Europen vacation on an HHI of $150k.

+1 on this. I am a single mom making $150k; I was able to take my kids on two caribbean vacations last year. I am also saving for college and maxing out my 401k. And I still have one in aftercare. I don't get alimony.

PP needs some professional help with budgeting.

Makes no sense in less you are not in DC or have a lot of family help. Not a chance you can pay for a 2-3 bedroom home market price, save for college, 401K, after care, etc. and do two vacations a year. Or, you get a lot of child support and help with extras from dad.

[Anonymous]

Op what you going to do? I bet you could find a guy who made less money, but you would have more total money vs kids guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am married a previously divorced man. He does not pay his ex alimony, but did provide child support and is now paying for college. Step-kids are 18 and 20, and we have 5 year old twins together. My salary does not go towards child support/college costs, but it definitely impacts our family budget and the choices we make for our whole family. I love my stepkids to pieces, and have no regrets about marrying a man with children at all, but there are a lot of things to consider before you jump into this. The combination of having step children and having a large family can be very challenging. Time and resources are limited, and it's hard to balance it all.


Some things I had not really considered when I was dating DH:

-we had to buy a house with enough room for a family of six, and within close proximity to older kids schools and their mother's house
-we have to have a car big enough to fit everyone
-we are taking a vacation with just the two five year olds this year for the first time because the college aged kids have a different spring break (don't worry, they are going on great vacations during their own spring breaks), and it's crazy how much cheaper/logistically easier it is to travel with only four of us
-having older kids/teens and babies/toddlers at the same time is HARD, especially for my husband who was extremely careful to continue spending a lot of time with the older kids, he didn't want them to lose out because we chose to have more kids. DH has limited time off, and if stepdaughter had a volleyball tournament, he would go to that (rightfully!) and I would be home with the babies, DH and stepkids went on several ski weekends away (as they had always done) etc. OF COURSE I support him spending time with kids, but it can be tough to balance and it's hard not to feel a tiny bit resentful when you are home with the little kids and he is off doing fun things with the older kids. It's gotten a lot better now that the twins are old enough to do fun things with, we have had a lot of great family adventures and trips, but it's hard to find things to that interest everybody.

I'm wondering if his older kids lived with the mother, as that all sounds excessive. Our situation was the every other weekend visit so didn't impact our house or car decisions. We had our own young children so we did take our own vacations. His older child was either in school or went with the mom to visit family so never a issue.

When he was a teen the mother got tired of his attitude, and tried to get us to take him full time. Since she wanted full custody to begin with we weren't going to play along, plus it wouldn't have worked. When she found out I was pregnant she promptly took us back to court for more CS. It all backfired on her, she only received $40 extra a month. We chose never to fight with her, simply disengaged from all her antics to where she didn't have a choice but to leave us alone.

My advice would be to find someone without kids, and remember the ex could also be a problem. All different situations, but since you don't have kids I would move along.

You sound awful. Going on vacations routinely without the oldest child? It's no excuse that his older child was in school (plan vacations around school) or went with the mom to visit family. He never got to go on a vacation with his dad again? Seriously? And why would the mother's initial attempt at full custody impact any kind of later custody arrangement? You guys were pissed at the mom so decided that she was going to have to be stuck with him and his teenage attitude forever, regardless of where the best place for the child actually was. I really wonder whether your husband's oldest child thought these things were never an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't she get increased alimony and child support once you add your salary to your DH's?

I can't stand it when women get alimony like this.

Yup. She will definitely try. Don't marry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am married a previously divorced man. He does not pay his ex alimony, but did provide child support and is now paying for college. Step-kids are 18 and 20, and we have 5 year old twins together. My salary does not go towards child support/college costs, but it definitely impacts our family budget and the choices we make for our whole family. I love my stepkids to pieces, and have no regrets about marrying a man with children at all, but there are a lot of things to consider before you jump into this. The combination of having step children and having a large family can be very challenging. Time and resources are limited, and it's hard to balance it all.


Some things I had not really considered when I was dating DH:

-we had to buy a house with enough room for a family of six, and within close proximity to older kids schools and their mother's house
-we have to have a car big enough to fit everyone
-we are taking a vacation with just the two five year olds this year for the first time because the college aged kids have a different spring break (don't worry, they are going on great vacations during their own spring breaks), and it's crazy how much cheaper/logistically easier it is to travel with only four of us
-having older kids/teens and babies/toddlers at the same time is HARD, especially for my husband who was extremely careful to continue spending a lot of time with the older kids, he didn't want them to lose out because we chose to have more kids. DH has limited time off, and if stepdaughter had a volleyball tournament, he would go to that (rightfully!) and I would be home with the babies, DH and stepkids went on several ski weekends away (as they had always done) etc. OF COURSE I support him spending time with kids, but it can be tough to balance and it's hard not to feel a tiny bit resentful when you are home with the little kids and he is off doing fun things with the older kids. It's gotten a lot better now that the twins are old enough to do fun things with, we have had a lot of great family adventures and trips, but it's hard to find things to that interest everybody.

I'm wondering if his older kids lived with the mother, as that all sounds excessive. Our situation was the every other weekend visit so didn't impact our house or car decisions. We had our own young children so we did take our own vacations. His older child was either in school or went with the mom to visit family so never a issue.

When he was a teen the mother got tired of his attitude, and tried to get us to take him full time. Since she wanted full custody to begin with we weren't going to play along, plus it wouldn't have worked. When she found out I was pregnant she promptly took us back to court for more CS. It all backfired on her, she only received $40 extra a month. We chose never to fight with her, simply disengaged from all her antics to where she didn't have a choice but to leave us alone.

My advice would be to find someone without kids, and remember the ex could also be a problem. All different situations, but since you don't have kids I would move along.

Uh no, I wrote the original post you are quoting, and I don't consider this "excessive" at all. We have joint custody, my stepkids (only referring to them as stepkids here for clarity, I don't go around calling them stepkids) were here several nights a week until they left for college. When I married DH, he had a three bedroom townhouse, we now live in a five bedroom house so that their is enough room for everyone, we upgraded to a bigger vehicle when our younger kids were born so that we could go places as a family of six. We went on family vacations with all six of us, and hopefully will be able to do so again this summer. Stepkids are welcome here whenever they want, no one has to "make us take them". I don't view our family as a family of four plus stepkids. We are a family of six and make decisions based on a family that size (finances, housing, cars, vacations).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am married a previously divorced man. He does not pay his ex alimony, but did provide child support and is now paying for college. Step-kids are 18 and 20, and we have 5 year old twins together. My salary does not go towards child support/college costs, but it definitely impacts our family budget and the choices we make for our whole family. I love my stepkids to pieces, and have no regrets about marrying a man with children at all, but there are a lot of things to consider before you jump into this. The combination of having step children and having a large family can be very challenging. Time and resources are limited, and it's hard to balance it all.


Some things I had not really considered when I was dating DH:

-we had to buy a house with enough room for a family of six, and within close proximity to older kids schools and their mother's house
-we have to have a car big enough to fit everyone
-we are taking a vacation with just the two five year olds this year for the first time because the college aged kids have a different spring break (don't worry, they are going on great vacations during their own spring breaks), and it's crazy how much cheaper/logistically easier it is to travel with only four of us
-having older kids/teens and babies/toddlers at the same time is HARD, especially for my husband who was extremely careful to continue spending a lot of time with the older kids, he didn't want them to lose out because we chose to have more kids. DH has limited time off, and if stepdaughter had a volleyball tournament, he would go to that (rightfully!) and I would be home with the babies, DH and stepkids went on several ski weekends away (as they had always done) etc. OF COURSE I support him spending time with kids, but it can be tough to balance and it's hard not to feel a tiny bit resentful when you are home with the little kids and he is off doing fun things with the older kids. It's gotten a lot better now that the twins are old enough to do fun things with, we have had a lot of great family adventures and trips, but it's hard to find things to that interest everybody.

I'm wondering if his older kids lived with the mother, as that all sounds excessive. Our situation was the every other weekend visit so didn't impact our house or car decisions. We had our own young children so we did take our own vacations. His older child was either in school or went with the mom to visit family so never a issue.

When he was a teen the mother got tired of his attitude, and tried to get us to take him full time. Since she wanted full custody to begin with we weren't going to play along, plus it wouldn't have worked. When she found out I was pregnant she promptly took us back to court for more CS. It all backfired on her, she only received $40 extra a month. We chose never to fight with her, simply disengaged from all her antics to where she didn't have a choice but to leave us alone.

My advice would be to find someone without kids, and remember the ex could also be a problem. All different situations, but since you don't have kids I would move along.

We had a similar situation. When we got married, ex filed in court for more child support based on my income (funny how she refused to tell the judge about her live in boyfriend who pay the rent and utility bills and refused to pay his child support. It backfired as the judge removed the alimony which was over a year prior, removed two of the three kids from child support (over 18) and gave my husband more visitation requiring her to pay 1/2 the plane tickets. Plus, she had huge attorney bills to pay back. She then tried to double dip via filing a garnishment with the military retirement and his employer. It was a big mess. We had to take her back to court to get the overpayments back. After that, she left us alone but refused to allow the youngest contact with his father.

That's terrible, his ex was a horrible woman especially after losing in court. Changed her phone number and wouldn't let him come for 6 mo trying to get a reaction out of us. It was so bizarre as this was just a ex gf, she had done the oops pregnancy thing with him and her former bf. Mostly she was bitter over her life choices. As I said we didn't feed into her, didn't take her to court but ignored her. Finally she went away, no choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't she get increased alimony and child support once you add your salary to your DH's?

I can't stand it when women get alimony like this.

Yup. She will definitely try. Don't marry, OP.

OP maybe you should talk to a lawyer if you get serious about this guy. I am not sure you are getting correct advice on this thread. I'd be very surprised if one gets increased alimony because of an ex's new marriage partner's salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't she get increased alimony and child support once you add your salary to your DH's?

I can't stand it when women get alimony like this.

No

I make more than my DH . She tried and all she git wad thousands in legal bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't she get increased alimony and child support once you add your salary to your DH's?

I can't stand it when women get alimony like this.

Yup. She will definitely try. Don't marry, OP.

OP maybe you should talk to a lawyer if you get serious about this guy. I am not sure you are getting correct advice on this thread. I'd be very surprised if one gets increased alimony because of an ex's new marriage partner's salary.

Anecdotal evidence is out there, but I second talk to a lawyer (if you decide to marry after all). In the alimony topic everyone is like "it's our common income," here it's not all of a sudden. If a woman loses alimony when she re-marries, I don't see why the man wouldn't lose out if he married and his "common" income went up Just speculating, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't she get increased alimony and child support once you add your salary to your DH's?

I can't stand it when women get alimony like this.

No

I make more than my DH . She tried and all she git wad thousands in legal bills.

It wouldn't go by your income, how it worked when we went but knowing her she didn't get that part. Our ex got stuck with a nice bill. I believe she thought his income went up because of our lifestyle. She didn't understand it was a combined income, we knew how to manage our money unlike her.