Economics of Dating a Divorced Man w/ 2 noncustodial kids

[Anonymous]

Once married his income is your income and vise versa. Yes you will be supporting those kids. What if your kids don't like his kids. Once you have your own kids, you may not want to share that time with his visiting kids. It get's complicated, and I've heard it all from friends over the years.

Blended families in most cases do not work. If you can find someone without kids it's always better.

Why did he get divorced?

[Anonymous]

How long have you two been together, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you didn't say how long you have been with him.

I can't believe people marry people that have zero job skills/education.

I'm as anti-alimony as the next person but keep in mind the source MAY be a bit biased here..

[Anonymous]

I'm a divorced man with shared custody of 4 minor children (plus a few over 18) and pay over $4k per month in CS plus college tuition only for 2 more. The ex doesn't work, is remarried and living a quite comfortable life, but I don't care. I am very selective about dating and make enough money to support them and my lifestyle. It doesn't take long for me to understand the women who came into my life after the divorce because the ones who worried about my children and support weren't long for the world in my mind. I won't have more children and don't care what the females think about my support and children. They and the OP are missing what is important - having a legacy and not worrying about what others think about it.

[Anonymous]

I would not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a divorced man with shared custody of 4 minor children (plus a few over 18) and pay over $4k per month in CS plus college tuition only for 2 more. The ex doesn't work, is remarried and living a quite comfortable life, but I don't care. I am very selective about dating and make enough money to support them and my lifestyle. It doesn't take long for me to understand the women who came into my life after the divorce because the ones who worried about my children and support weren't long for the world in my mind. I won't have more children and don't care what the females think about my support and children. They and the OP are missing what is important - having a legacy and not worrying about what others think about it.

How many children do you have and are they slip from the same mother? You sound like s quiverful-type with your legacy talk and whatnot

[Anonymous]

Never. Too much baggage.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would only do this if you are really, really ok with him meeting his financial obligations, in real life. A lot of people are fine with it philosophically, but when child support etc. cause them to miss out on things they want to have or do, it puts a lot of stress on the marriage. Imagine if, say, you need IVF and can't afford it because of his kids' expenses.

[Anonymous]

way too much baggage.

[Anonymous]

I am married a previously divorced man. He does not pay his ex alimony, but did provide child support and is now paying for college. Step-kids are 18 and 20, and we have 5 year old twins together. My salary does not go towards child support/college costs, but it definitely impacts our family budget and the choices we make for our whole family. I love my stepkids to pieces, and have no regrets about marrying a man with children at all, but there are a lot of things to consider before you jump into this. The combination of having step children and having a large family can be very challenging. Time and resources are limited, and it's hard to balance it all.


Some things I had not really considered when I was dating DH:

-we had to buy a house with enough room for a family of six, and within close proximity to older kids schools and their mother's house
-we have to have a car big enough to fit everyone
-we are taking a vacation with just the two five year olds this year for the first time because the college aged kids have a different spring break (don't worry, they are going on great vacations during their own spring breaks), and it's crazy how much cheaper/logistically easier it is to travel with only four of us
-having older kids/teens and babies/toddlers at the same time is HARD, especially for my husband who was extremely careful to continue spending a lot of time with the older kids, he didn't want them to lose out because we chose to have more kids. DH has limited time off, and if stepdaughter had a volleyball tournament, he would go to that (rightfully!) and I would be home with the babies, DH and stepkids went on several ski weekends away (as they had always done) etc. OF COURSE I support him spending time with kids, but it can be tough to balance and it's hard not to feel a tiny bit resentful when you are home with the little kids and he is off doing fun things with the older kids. It's gotten a lot better now that the twins are old enough to do fun things with, we have had a lot of great family adventures and trips, but it's hard to find things to that interest everybody.

[Anonymous]

I am married to a man who does not pay alimony and only has one child from previous marriage, who lives overseas- and still it is tough! she comes over every summer and it is a lot of money on top of child support. Plus having a 15 yo in the house whom you don't really know as you don't spend much time together except in the summer- oh, the fun.
I say move on if you can.

[Anonymous]

Our HHI is 120k, and we have two kids in the DC area. It is doable unless you really value material things/luxuries. We are very comfortable. But we live in Rockville instead of Chevy Chase, in a middle class (but lovely, to me) neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His kids would be half brothers to any kids you had with their dad, not stepbrothers.

Yes. I'm thinking that OP is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was/is my situation as well. I married a man with 2 kids from his ex wife who is a SAHM. The kids are now in college and we pay for that. We also have 2 children. DH still provides alimony to the ex and will continue to do so for many more years.

OP--this is a conversation you need to have and you need to understand the full ramifications of his financial commitments. DH makes $300K and I make $200K. The reality of the finances are that his salary goes to support his first family and my salary supports our family. He didn't always make $300K so there is no college savings. We pay out of pocket each year.

Even at $500 HHI, we fight about money and we are on a budget. To us, we have 4 children and we consider each one and the impact it has on the others. Financially, each child has their own needs. The older ones have college tuition and the associated costs, the younger ones had daycare and now aftercare as well as summer camps.

Vacations are pretty basic and we always take them as a family of 6. There are no European trips or exotic beach destinations.

There are also times when the ex wife would call and need something new. Like a new car or a new roof. You need to be prepared to accept these things as part of his life.

DH and I dated for 10 years before we were able to work everything out and come to terms with what our life would look like together.

The good news is that there is an end. The children eventually graduate from college. But again, there's no guarantee that they will be able to support themselves. Just as if my bio children needed some financial help after college, if my step kids need monthly help, we will send them money.

The way I look at it is that in my marriage there are 3 adults, 4 children, 2 households, and 2 salaries. The 2 salaries have to make everything else work.

You nee to learn how to budget better. We managed a Europen vacation on an HHI of $150k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't do it because once you marry him if something hallens to that man (gets ill, loses job etc) you will be responsible for supporting those kids and possibly the ex-wife. That would be too much for me.

Not legally responsible. Not even morally responsible.