Reply to Economics of Dating a Divorced Man w/ 2 noncustodial kids

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[quote=Anonymous]My situation is a bit different, but may have enough similarities that OP finds it helpful.

I married a man with two kids from his prior marriage. He pays child support (but not alimony) and 50% of kids fees, medical expenses, etc. I have to be honest that this is a.l.o.t. more money than I would have predicted, so you might keep this in mind. He does not pay alimony and (just speaking for me) that one might bug me. The kids are expensive but they are just that (kids.) The expenses are temporary. Alimony is harder for me to swallow... Is it forever? Would it mean that you could not be at home with your kids? All of this might be troubling to you; once you have kids, you'd be surprised how hard it is to work the job and be the mom you want to be... Will your flexibility be limited because of the alimony? These could be sources of trouble.

When BF says he wants to pay for their college, does he mean 100%? Did he go to private schools and/or picture his kids at private schools? Does he picture his XW or his kids contributing anything? Has he planned for this expense? In case you are not aware, private colleges cost $60K _a year._ Prices are only expected to go up.

My DH was quite passive after his divorce. He just paid their bills with very little inquiry. I think he felt like it was his responsibility (of course this is good), but didn't exert much input or even questioning about whether they were really splitting fees 50/50, etc. (this is not good when it becomes both of your money on the line). If your BF is like this, you can expect tension and unhappiness--and some of it from your partner--because this kind of change is not easy for all to absorb and not easily handled by someone who is essentially afraid of his XW.

My DH and I started seeing a couples counselor. We started seeing her pre-engagement, both because neither of us wanted to see ourselves tangled up in another unhealthy relationship headed for another divorce. This counselor has been enormously helpful and helping us understand what issues are affecting us as a couple and how we might tackle them constructively as a couple. I would also point out that if your BF is not interested in this now, that may be a sign that he wouldn't be open to it down the line either. So I'd wholeheartedly encourage you to try this route, to explore some of these issues and how you might resolve them as a couple.

I married mine and I think he's a wonderful person. I hope you find happiness but I think you want to have your eyes open.[/quote]

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