Husband wants to visit a female friend in another state w/o me

[Anonymous]

I find everyone commenting on not having friends of the opposite sex after marriage very strange. I went to an almost all male college and 90 percent of my friends were male by default. They were like my brothers and I was like a sister. We spent 4 long years together so of course you become close friends. I still have several of those friendships and my husband is completely understanding of it. There is zero thought of anything sexual and I have in fact gone to visit them and their families alone and they have also come to visit my family alone. If the spouses were able to come, etc, there would also be no issue w/ that, but often times it works out that one of the spouses has to stay home and everyone seems to be fine with the situation. I think a lot of people are making a huge deal out of nothing, IMO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The day my husband chooses to flt to another state to see an old childhood girl friend is the day he can pack his rags and stay at her house forever.

I'm on your side OP. Your husband is a dick.

+1

For me, this would be crossing a boundary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you go with him?

OP here. Because i do not like the female friend and see no reason in why we need to visit her.

It doesn't matter if you like her. She is hid friend. If you don't want yo go, then he goes alone. Are you always this selfish and self-absorbed. Everything cannot always be about what you want.

OP your DH is in the wrong here. He should see it as a major issue that his friend was rude to you. my DH has female friends too and I know he has dinner with one about once a year on an out of town business trip. However this woman has always been kind to me and made an effort to be friends with me as well. Whats going on here is inappropriate. Not that DH is being unfaithful but that he is going ot of his way to maintain a frienship with someone who doesn't support his marriage.

[Anonymous]

Are you upset that she is a Female or that you don't like her in particular.....??

If she is married and you trust him, then let him go. It wouldn't be fair to dictate who he is friends with.

I think you don't want him to go because you think something could happen between them.

It's probably a "I trust him...just not HER."

That is flawed logic.

[Anonymous]

Call me old-fashioned, but I'm in the school of thought that after marraige you don't have close relationships with those of the opposite sex who aren't your spouse. You can be friends, but in the company of your spouses, co-workers, etc. Not trips alone, or even car rides alone for that matter, unless it's an extenuating circumstance. I know I'm the minority in that thinking. There's always a 1% chance that 'nothing sexual' can turn into an attraction, especially if one person is in a fight with their spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call me old-fashioned, but I'm in the school of thought that after marraige you don't have close relationships with those of the opposite sex who aren't your spouse. You can be friends, but in the company of your spouses, co-workers, etc. Not trips alone, or even car rides alone for that matter, unless it's an extenuating circumstance. I know I'm the minority in that thinking. There's always a 1% chance that 'nothing sexual' can turn into an attraction, especially if one person is in a fight with their spouse.

Yup, you are old school.
Some people are simply very good at keeping friendships that go back to childhood. Social media has contributed to keeping in contact. I have re-connected with several people from childhood that are married and have met up with them at Starbucks or something to that effect multiple times through the years. It can be done, it is just a matter of respect of how many times one makes contact. Meaning, don't call/text every day or every week for that matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you go with him?

OP here. Because i do not like the female friend and see no reason in why we need to visit her.

It doesn't matter if you like her. She is hid friend. If you don't want yo go, then he goes alone. Are you always this selfish and self-absorbed. Everything cannot always be about what you want.

OP here. He had an opportunity to visit. He decided not to go. I even said they can each drive one hour each way and we can meet at a restaurant. He said no but is now planning to go back down there again to visit. It would still be a two hour drive so wtf, yes im pissed

So the logistics are that he will drive two hours now to visit, and if he had driven during the vacation it would have been two hours? Could it be that during a relatively short vacation, such as one week, he was already tired from one two-hour drive, with the prospect of soon another two-hour drive back, and didn't want to spend four hours total driving (round trip) in the middle of your already short vacation when there were other things he wanted to do with your family in your vacation locale?

Did he say his visit to his friend would be for the whole weekend? It seems possible to visit someone two hours away and drive back the same day.

Could the friend's coldness really be shyness and social awkwardness with people she doesn't know well? If there were actual feelings between her and your DH, wouldn't she project friendliness as a cover, if she had the wherewithal to do so?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find everyone commenting on not having friends of the opposite sex after marriage very strange. I went to an almost all male college and 90 percent of my friends were male by default. They were like my brothers and I was like a sister. We spent 4 long years together so of course you become close friends. I still have several of those friendships and my husband is completely understanding of it. There is zero thought of anything sexual and I have in fact gone to visit them and their families alone and they have also come to visit my family alone. If the spouses were able to come, etc, there would also be no issue w/ that, but often times it works out that one of the spouses has to stay home and everyone seems to be fine with the situation. I think a lot of people are making a huge deal out of nothing, IMO

You don't see how the rarity of going to an "almost all male college" for 4 long years and 90% of your friends being male by default as a pretty isolated and unique circumstance that makes your experience vastly different than the rest of us?

Also your 4 years were allegedly longer than everyone else's ?! Ha

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband wants to visit a female friend, with whom he grew up with as friends, in another state. Im not ok with this. I told him this. I met the female twice and both times, she was very cold to me and although not rude to me (she didnt say a word to me to even be rude), she was rude to others. I dont want to go with him to visit her and her husband and child. He still wants to go. Im upset. I expressed this. He doesnt understand why im upset as they grew up together. Big deal... Its still a female friend you are visiting in another state. Am i overreacting?

You're reacting to the possibility that in some circumstances he would enjoy her company more than yours. That is life, and you can't expect it to be otherwise unless you're all from some conservative religion. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

You're making it a competition, as if he has to choose her or you, as if he has to prove his loyalty to you.

Stop being so insecure and controlling and manipulative. Talk to your husband about your feelings. LISTEN to his. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find everyone commenting on not having friends of the opposite sex after marriage very strange. I went to an almost all male college and 90 percent of my friends were male by default. They were like my brothers and I was like a sister. We spent 4 long years together so of course you become close friends. I still have several of those friendships and my husband is completely understanding of it. There is zero thought of anything sexual and I have in fact gone to visit them and their families alone and they have also come to visit my family alone. If the spouses were able to come, etc, there would also be no issue w/ that, but often times it works out that one of the spouses has to stay home and everyone seems to be fine with the situation. I think a lot of people are making a huge deal out of nothing, IMO

LOL another delusional female. They were like your brothers? Maybe if they liked incest. Your husband is a chump and understands that all the college friends secretly want to bang you and still do, but he's given up fighting with you about it because you prefer to be willfully stupid since you so much enjoy attention you get from other men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your update made things very clear; I can't understand why people are piling on. I'm sorry your DH isn't making you a priority. Perhaps you can be open with him - instead of forbidding him to go, tell him why it upsets you. Your feelings are completely valid in the context of your history with your DH. But at this point the problem isnt this woman, it's your DH.

I always find it suspicious when an OP comes back 4 pages and many posts later (when things aren't going their way) with "new" information that puts them into a better light.

I'm not on team OP. I think the first impression she gave off was the correct one.

I agree. This new information is pretty unbelievable as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call me old-fashioned, but I'm in the school of thought that after marraige you don't have close relationships with those of the opposite sex who aren't your spouse. You can be friends, but in the company of your spouses, co-workers, etc. Not trips alone, or even car rides alone for that matter, unless it's an extenuating circumstance. I know I'm the minority in that thinking. There's always a 1% chance that 'nothing sexual' can turn into an attraction, especially if one person is in a fight with their spouse.

Yup, you are old school.
Some people are simply very good at keeping friendships that go back to childhood. Social media has contributed to keeping in contact. I have re-connected with several people from childhood that are married and have met up with them at Starbucks or something to that effect multiple times through the years. It can be done, it is just a matter of respect of how many times one makes contact. Meaning, don't call/text every day or every week for that matter.

+1. Not riding in a CAR with a male sounds peculiarly dated and sexist. I find it ridiculous that you think humans cannot control themselves in most situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I keep feeling like there has to be more of a story here if he was soooo interested in her pregnancy but no questions about your pregnancy with his child and yet you are 100% convinced there is no sexual chemistry/affair potential with the friend. There are a few possibilities I can think of. Either, they have some bond where his loyalty is 100% with the friend like she was there when he went thru some rough sh$$ prior to meeting you and he knows he can depend on her or she went they some rough sh$$ and he feels like he is her knight in shining armour/things would fall apart if he turned his back on her. The other possibility is this is some passive aggressive crap in your relationship with him like he feels like you try to control him and so he wants to feel like he has areas of his life that he makes the decision and rather than being direct about the underlying issue, he does things he knows will annoy you to assert his position or get back at you.

The bottom line is not matter what the theory, it come back to your relationship with DH. The bitchy female friend is actually irrelevant because she is just a symptom of whatever the real issue is between you and DH. Focus on fixing the issues in your marriage and the female friend problem will resolve itself.

What this OP said. I put money on the bolded parts.

[Anonymous]

"+1. Not riding in a CAR with a male sounds peculiarly dated and sexist. I find it ridiculous that you think humans cannot control themselves in most situations."

The problem is that "most situations" is not "all situations". Love the wishful thinking around here, bordering on the naive...