Husband wants to visit a female friend in another state w/o me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a guy father of two, I would never tell my wife that I would go out of state to "see a female friend". She would ask "wtf are you thinking?" and she'd be right... A "Female friend" that is not the wife of a friend is an oxymoron. OP you're obviously right to be upset.

It depends who. My husband has a female friend, whom I really like and I"d be ok if he went out of state to visit her, but he'd never go without me or the kids as she adores the kids and is great to them (and to me).

[Anonymous]

Wow. I keep feeling like there has to be more of a story here if he was soooo interested in her pregnancy but no questions about your pregnancy with his child and yet you are 100% convinced there is no sexual chemistry/affair potential with the friend. There are a few possibilities I can think of. Either, they have some bond where his loyalty is 100% with the friend like she was there when he went thru some rough sh$$ prior to meeting you and he knows he can depend on her or she went they some rough sh$$ and he feels like he is her knight in shining armour/things would fall apart if he turned his back on her. The other possibility is this is some passive aggressive crap in your relationship with him like he feels like you try to control him and so he wants to feel like he has areas of his life that he makes the decision and rather than being direct about the underlying issue, he does things he knows will annoy you to assert his position or get back at you.

The bottom line is not matter what the theory, it come back to your relationship with DH. The bitchy female friend is actually irrelevant because she is just a symptom of whatever the real issue is between you and DH. Focus on fixing the issues in your marriage and the female friend problem will resolve itself.

[Anonymous]

The bottom line is not matter what the theory, it come back to your relationship with DH. The bitchy female friend is actually irrelevant because she is just a symptom of whatever the real issue is between you and DH. Focus on fixing the issues in your marriage and the female friend problem will resolve itself.

Yep. You've got a DH problem that really doesn't have anything to do with the gender of the person he wants to visit. My DH and went to counseling over shit like this. It really helped. Part of it was that focusing on friends helped him ignore the feelings of inadequacy he had towards our relationship. He felt good when he was interacting with friends and helping them out. He didn't feel the same way doing his share of household work. He was engaging in avoidant behaviors that negatively affected our relationship. We've been married 17 years and it still creeps into our relationship at times (and counseling has really helped if I didn't say that before).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with OP. My DH doesn't have any female friends he grew up, but I have a lot of boy friends I grew up with. I would NEVER hang out with them now, and they would not hang out with me either. We are all married with kids. It's just a different phase of life. I do the occasional email and am friends on facebook, but I would never be invited to their house, nor would I invite them to mine. Seriously. I think you all are the same person responding because I can't be one of only a few who feel this way, and I know of no one's husband who has old female friends they hang out with.

Really? Wow.

[Anonymous]

NP here, I've read some of this thread but just want to say-- the title seems to be incorrect. It should read "I don't want to go visit DHs out of state friend." You are implying he WANTS to go alone, but then that is not true -- you're just not interested. Those are two very different things.

[Anonymous]

Seriously. 48 yo DH here. Between work, kids, wife, sick mother, I can hardly catch up with old and close male friends who live in Bethesda and Arlington. I can't even imagine what needs I could possibly have to leave my family for a weekend to hang out with a married woman, her kids, and husband. I would feel like some freak knowing my perfectly fine family is missing me and I missing them to see this person. Now if it were an elderly grandparent or perhaps an influential and dying professor (like Tuesday's with Mory).

Your husband has fucked up priorities. Problem is, he probably will never understand it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with OP. My DH doesn't have any female friends he grew up, but I have a lot of boy friends I grew up with. I would NEVER hang out with them now, and they would not hang out with me either. We are all married with kids. It's just a different phase of life. I do the occasional email and am friends on facebook, but I would never be invited to their house, nor would I invite them to mine. Seriously. I think you all are the same person responding because I can't be one of only a few who feel this way, and I know of no one's husband who has old female friends they hang out with.

??? I seriously don't get this. It's like an alien from Mars talking. You wouldn't invite old friends who are now married to your house to see if you all can be friends across families? And they won't invite you? Who are you people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously. 48 yo DH here. Between work, kids, wife, sick mother, I can hardly catch up with old and close male friends who live in Bethesda and Arlington. I can't even imagine what needs I could possibly have to leave my family for a weekend to hang out with a married woman, her kids, and husband. I would feel like some freak knowing my perfectly fine family is missing me and I missing them to see this person. Now if it were an elderly grandparent or perhaps an influential and dying professor (like Tuesday's with Mory).

Your husband has fucked up priorities. Problem is, he probably will never understand it.

+1
I'm a DW and I can't imagine a situation where I would leave my husband and 2 kids to go visit a male married friend, his wife and their kids and leave my husband to deal with the house and kids all weekend. Hanging out with someone else's family all weekend while mine is left behind? I don't get this part of the story. That is not weird for your DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with OP. My DH doesn't have any female friends he grew up, but I have a lot of boy friends I grew up with. I would NEVER hang out with them now, and they would not hang out with me either. We are all married with kids. It's just a different phase of life. I do the occasional email and am friends on facebook, but I would never be invited to their house, nor would I invite them to mine. Seriously. I think you all are the same person responding because I can't be one of only a few who feel this way, and I know of no one's husband who has old female friends they hang out with.

Really? Wow.

I don't know why this is so shocking. I will second that I cannot think of a single husband that has an "old female friend" that he hangs out with/leaves his wife to go visit.

[Anonymous]

Just tell your husband you are going to go visit an old guy friend alone - see how he responds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with OP. My DH doesn't have any female friends he grew up, but I have a lot of boy friends I grew up with. I would NEVER hang out with them now, and they would not hang out with me either. We are all married with kids. It's just a different phase of life. I do the occasional email and am friends on facebook, but I would never be invited to their house, nor would I invite them to mine. Seriously. I think you all are the same person responding because I can't be one of only a few who feel this way, and I know of no one's husband who has old female friends they hang out with.

OP here. I honestly dont mind him having female friends. All of them are beyond nice to the point that we all hang out together and i dont care if he goes out solo with them. However, we were just down there so i dont get why he has to go back to visit her. He could have then, which i totally supported and actually pushed for him to do. So that pisses me off. She is a bitch but husband sticks up for her no matter what and it sucks that its as though he chooses her over me. Yes there is more to this story but its difficult for me to be specific on this board. Husband and i had a rocky relationship while i was pregnant to the point of us not being together anymore. He didnt care about the pregnancy or myself yet would talk to her on the phone asking how her pregnancy was going (we were both pregnant at the same time). Once off the phone, he would tell me all about her pregnancy but not once ask how i felt or excited about our pregnancy. Deep down inside i dont like her for more than her being cold to me. She comes before me and i hate that. This person is not an ex of my husband and i suspect zero cheating or wanting to be with her.

Maybe he wished that she was pregnant with his child and therefore was more invested.

Your relationship sounds so full of suck. If you feel its worth fixing - therapy. If not - call a lawyer. Life is too short to put up with the kind of bullshit you just wrote and your DH is obviously not that into you either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously. 48 yo DH here. Between work, kids, wife, sick mother, I can hardly catch up with old and close male friends who live in Bethesda and Arlington. I can't even imagine what needs I could possibly have to leave my family for a weekend to hang out with a married woman, her kids, and husband. I would feel like some freak knowing my perfectly fine family is missing me and I missing them to see this person. Now if it were an elderly grandparent or perhaps an influential and dying professor (like Tuesday's with Mory).

Your husband has fucked up priorities. Problem is, he probably will never understand it.

This. It has nothing to do with insecurities. Your DH needs to grow up.

And women with nothing but married male friends do that for a reason. To always be the grass in the "grass is greener" scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell your husband you are going to go visit an old guy friend alone - see how he responds.

It was his friend AND her husband and child. So, the family. And the only reason she doesn't want him to go is that she doesn't like the woman, by her own words. She further indicated that a romantic angle is not present.

Those of you trying to re-frame the issue as a potential sex thing are just trying to rationalize the OP's poor behavior.

[Anonymous]

Your DH sounds mean. My DH went out with some guy friends-I never met them, he went solo. Now, when my girl friends visit, I leave behind with the kids. Fair is fair. If DH wanted to meet with a female childhood friend solo, I'd be meeting with a male childhood friend as well. Lots if guys think their SW needs to be the Virgin Mary. Fuck that! If you are having fun, I'll be having fun.

[Anonymous]

SW=DW