About to switch to private and about to lose some friends

[Anonymous]

NP here. My kids have been in public all the way and are both now in a very selective public magnet for high school. I have lots of very good friends whose kids have stayed in public, started in public then switched to private, or who have been in private all the way. Bottom line is to keep it about what you want for your own kids, and NOT about how your choice is better than someone else's. My kids have done great and are very happy with their public schools--in nearly all aspects. They have lots of friends at very respected private schools who are also doing well and are very happy--in nearly all aspects. (Notice I did not say that either school option was perfect.) If someone occasionally makes a snarky comment about the public being "awful" or "simply not good enough," (such as one of the PPs), I just say "I'm so sorry it didn't work for child or your family. I hope you find a better fit--isn't it great we have lots of options in this area!"

Public school parents need to feel confident in our own choices and try not to feel abandoned or insulted, and certainly don't need to make rash generalizations about private schools or reasons for leaving. And folks who leave public for private (or choose private from the get-go) need to refrain from making disparaging remarks about the publics--whether those remarks are informed or not.
It really shouldn't even need to be an argument! I like the person who just keeps saying "we really like the school." Isn't that the goal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. My kids have been in public all the way and are both now in a very selective public magnet for high school. I have lots of very good friends whose kids have stayed in public, started in public then switched to private, or who have been in private all the way. Bottom line is to keep it about what you want for your own kids, and NOT about how your choice is better than someone else's. My kids have done great and are very happy with their public schools--in nearly all aspects. They have lots of friends at very respected private schools who are also doing well and are very happy--in nearly all aspects. (Notice I did not say that either school option was perfect.) If someone occasionally makes a snarky comment about the public being "awful" or "simply not good enough," (such as one of the PPs), I just say "I'm so sorry it didn't work for child or your family. I hope you find a better fit--isn't it great we have lots of options in this area!"

Public school parents need to feel confident in our own choices and try not to feel abandoned or insulted, and certainly don't need to make rash generalizations about private schools or reasons for leaving. And folks who leave public for private (or choose private from the get-go) need to refrain from making disparaging remarks about the publics--whether those remarks are informed or not.
It really shouldn't even need to be an argument! I like the person who just keeps saying "we really like the school." Isn't that the goal?

+1000

No perfect schools out there, period! No matter if it's part of your tax bill or cost you additional $50k a year (as in NYC or NE Boarding).

It would be nice if people don't knock down other's choices either from their own ignorance or personal experience. Everyone walk away from any situation with their own experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We recently moved two children to private. We are in VERY good MCPS cluster. And this move did raise some eyebrows, but for the most part people were very polite with their comments. Most people either never heard of the private, or if they knew the school, said it was a great place. No negative comments at all. "Good luck" and "We'll miss you" we're the dominant phrases. Perhaps we just live in a community of more civil folks.

were they glad to see the back of you?

LOL, pretty sure that is not the case, considering we still get together at play dates, and involved in other organized activities together.

[Anonymous]

I find this thread fascinating. It started off with a question about whether switching from public to private at middle school might result in the loss of friends due to public school parents being judgmental and changed over time to a series of posts listing why private schools (generally) are better than public schools (generally), with lots of "we value education more than they do" and "they're just jealous" thrown in. Just goes to show that the comparison/competition/judgment goes both ways. OP you will, at the new private school, encounter people who cannot fathom that anyone would ever send their child to any public school for any reason ("I know public schools are just awful, with horrible teachers, huge classes, and disruptive kids, even though we have never actually been in one!"), the same as there are some public school parents whose view is that sending children to private school is an elitist abandonment of the public good ("I know all of those rich people don't want to be part of the real world, are racist, and their kids all have drug problems even though I have never met any of them"). It's all noise. Ignore it. Here is what has worked over the years for us as various families have made different choices:

(1) There will be some natural falling off -- kids meet new people at the new school, get involved in new activities, your routines change and you don't see the same people on a daily basis. It's a natural part of life and happens even without school changes, but it is much more pronounced with a school change. Do not take it personally or imagine reasons behind it. Making an effort to stay in touch and get together every now and again helps a lot. Find a spot in your schedule and reach out for coffee/a drink/an event/a walk. You might see some of those relationships grow. You might see some fade away. But it won't really be about school choices, it will just be about life in general. We have a group of friends from when the kids were all in preschool - we have gone to different public and private schools over the years but have managed to stay close by doing this. It ebbs and flows.

(2) Remind yourself that everyone makes different choices and give people the benefit of believing that they make the right choices for their families. It is the kindness that you want people to give to you, so please give it to them. Please, for the love of g-d, never say "we value education more than you" to any of your friends who choose public schools. Education has many different aspects. For example, we have friends that chose public over private because they wanted to spend the money that they might have spent on private school to travel the world with their kids for a year -- a fantastic educational experience that they otherwise could not have done. They didn't choose public because they didn't value education as much as the parents who chose private, they highly value education - just value it in a different way. They didn't advertise the reasons for their choice, they just chose. When another friend at the time making the private school choice essentially said to them that their choice to be in public middle school showed that they didn't value education ("I could never put my kid in that school. I value education very highly. Do you not care about your kids' education?") - it killed the friendship. The only thing to say about someone else's choice is "that's great" and then move on to other stuff (do you believe they are so old? when do they get their class assignments? are they excited? or hey have you seen that new movie?).

(3) Remember that the school choice conversation will eventually end once school is underway and life gets hectic. Initially there might be questions - particularly from people you don't know as well. As the PP above said "we like the school" is great so is "it was the right decision for us". That and a pleasant smile is really all you need. Redirect the conversation to other things. I have also found that "isn't it great that there are so many good choices here that we can all do what works best for our families" works pretty well.

(4) Celebrate each others' kids accomplishments and be supportive. We go to our friends' fundraisers/talent shows/school plays when we can and they come to ours. We are supportive of each other and are genuinely happy to see our friends' kids be successful regardless of where they go to school. We can all recognize the good in all of our respective schools without denigrating our own. When we resist the urge to justify our own choices by classifying everyone else's choices as inferior, life is a lot better.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find this thread fascinating. It started off with a question about whether switching from public to private at middle school might result in the loss of friends due to public school parents being judgmental and changed over time to a series of posts listing why private schools (generally) are better than public schools (generally), with lots of "we value education more than they do" and "they're just jealous" thrown in. Just goes to show that the comparison/competition/judgment goes both ways. OP you will, at the new private school, encounter people who cannot fathom that anyone would ever send their child to any public school for any reason ("I know public schools are just awful, with horrible teachers, huge classes, and disruptive kids, even though we have never actually been in one!"), the same as there are some public school parents whose view is that sending children to private school is an elitist abandonment of the public good ("I know all of those rich people don't want to be part of the real world, are racist, and their kids all have drug problems even though I have never met any of them"). It's all noise. Ignore it. Here is what has worked over the years for us as various families have made different choices:

(1) There will be some natural falling off -- kids meet new people at the new school, get involved in new activities, your routines change and you don't see the same people on a daily basis. It's a natural part of life and happens even without school changes, but it is much more pronounced with a school change. Do not take it personally or imagine reasons behind it. Making an effort to stay in touch and get together every now and again helps a lot. Find a spot in your schedule and reach out for coffee/a drink/an event/a walk. You might see some of those relationships grow. You might see some fade away. But it won't really be about school choices, it will just be about life in general. We have a group of friends from when the kids were all in preschool - we have gone to different public and private schools over the years but have managed to stay close by doing this. It ebbs and flows.

(2) Remind yourself that everyone makes different choices and give people the benefit of believing that they make the right choices for their families. It is the kindness that you want people to give to you, so please give it to them. Please, for the love of g-d, never say "we value education more than you" to any of your friends who choose public schools. Education has many different aspects. For example, we have friends that chose public over private because they wanted to spend the money that they might have spent on private school to travel the world with their kids for a year -- a fantastic educational experience that they otherwise could not have done. They didn't choose public because they didn't value education as much as the parents who chose private, they highly value education - just value it in a different way. They didn't advertise the reasons for their choice, they just chose. When another friend at the time making the private school choice essentially said to them that their choice to be in public middle school showed that they didn't value education ("I could never put my kid in that school. I value education very highly. Do you not care about your kids' education?") - it killed the friendship. The only thing to say about someone else's choice is "that's great" and then move on to other stuff (do you believe they are so old? when do they get their class assignments? are they excited? or hey have you seen that new movie?).

(3) Remember that the school choice conversation will eventually end once school is underway and life gets hectic. Initially there might be questions - particularly from people you don't know as well. As the PP above said "we like the school" is great so is "it was the right decision for us". That and a pleasant smile is really all you need. Redirect the conversation to other things. I have also found that "isn't it great that there are so many good choices here that we can all do what works best for our families" works pretty well.

(4) Celebrate each others' kids accomplishments and be supportive. We go to our friends' fundraisers/talent shows/school plays when we can and they come to ours. We are supportive of each other and are genuinely happy to see our friends' kids be successful regardless of where they go to school. We can all recognize the good in all of our respective schools without denigrating our own. When we resist the urge to justify our own choices by classifying everyone else's choices as inferior, life is a lot better.

Good luck.

I went back through the threads and couldn't find anyone who wrote anything like the bolded above? I thought people have been very fair in their statements that their school is best for them but not making any statements judging other parents.

That said, I think this was all very well written and very helpful to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm frustrated and annoyed when our friends choose private. And, as individuals many of them do have well thought out reasons: they want a school that matches their religious/cultural tradition or they have a child with special needs. However, taken collectively all those choices mean that even in our relatively well off city, the schools are majority low-income kids. And they are nice capable kids, but there isn't a block of wealthy and middle class parents pressuring the schools to do better and pressuring our city to spend more money-instead as a middle class parent (by education if not by wealth) I've encountered the "if you don't like it, get out" mentality from school officials.

I wouldn't stop being your friend-I value having a diverse group of friends, and I wouldn't have any friends if I dropped people every time they do something I don't approve of, but, yeah, I'm disappointed.

This person summed up my feelings as well. I would just add that I often am frustrated because it seems that the person is not making what I consider a truly informed choice. I absolutely accept that there are individual cases where the unique circumstances of the child mean a particular private is the best choice, but in my experience, having had these conversations with a number of people over the years, the decision is not based on real knowledge/experience with the school. People are relying on stuff they heard from someone 5 years ago, when none of the staff, students, or situations that existed are still in place. They look at average test scores, which tell you nothing about what you kid, who might be at or above grade level, will experience. It's not perfect--nothing is--but it's truly not bad now, and I think it can be even better if you come along for the ride with us. I get frustrated because when I give specific examples of the positive experiences we have had, and people just nod and say "yeah, well--we are doing private" it's hard not to feel as though you think I'm lying to you. No one likes to be called a liar.

None of this need necessarily apply to OP--I don't know their situation. It's just my general feeling from doing this for a while.

I am really curious about this. How should parents make a truly informed choice? There is certain data out there that I can see, like how many students per class, and what electives they get to take, and what sports and activities the school has. You can look at the summer assignments they are being given as an example of the level of classes. You can talk to parents of current students. You can attend events. What else can you do? Here is what I've heard about our local public from neighbors: "it's not that bad," "it's the real world and kids better get used to it," "I don't like the administration," "it's only 3 years," and "there haven't been too many fights."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This person summed up my feelings as well. I would just add that I often am frustrated because it seems that the person is not making what I consider a truly informed choice. I absolutely accept that there are individual cases where the unique circumstances of the child mean a particular private is the best choice, but in my experience, having had these conversations with a number of people over the years, the decision is not based on real knowledge/experience with the school. People are relying on stuff they heard from someone 5 years ago, when none of the staff, students, or situations that existed are still in place. They look at average test scores, which tell you nothing about what you kid, who might be at or above grade level, will experience. It's not perfect--nothing is--but it's truly not bad now, and I think it can be even better if you come along for the ride with us. I get frustrated because when I give specific examples of the positive experiences we have had, and people just nod and say "yeah, well--we are doing private" it's hard not to feel as though you think I'm lying to you. No one likes to be called a liar.

None of this need necessarily apply to OP--I don't know their situation. It's just my general feeling from doing this for a while.

I am really curious about this. How should parents make a truly informed choice? There is certain data out there that I can see, like how many students per class, and what electives they get to take, and what sports and activities the school has. You can look at the summer assignments they are being given as an example of the level of classes. You can talk to parents of current students. You can attend events. What else can you do? Here is what I've heard about our local public from neighbors: "it's not that bad," "it's the real world and kids better get used to it," "I don't like the administration," "it's only 3 years," and "there haven't been too many fights."

I think it really comes down to faith and trust that you can adapt because no one ever knows how anything will turn out in life. You can research a job on various websites and talk to people that worked there but that doesn't tell you how your experience will be because it will be a blend of your personality and the fit with your boss and peers AND the end client (internal or external) that you do the work for ...and even if that is all great things can change. You can get a new boss, you can get a toxic co-worker or be put on a horrible project. Your boss could be going thru personal things and check out or same can happen to you. Same thing with schools being a combination or your child, plus peers, plus fit with the teacher, plus school leadership. All of these things don't have to be perfect ...it is the overall cumulative effect of x numbers of years there. At a minimum there has to be good teachers there and they have to be teaching grade level work. Monitor the situation and if it goes south, be prepared to advocate hard or find a different school. You look for potential not that there is a guarantee.

To the PP that pointed out that some people don't believe the good stories, I think it is more about the other person than you. I know for me when I hear the good stories, I think why not me and why not my child when he was there. Did I not advocate enough, was I not savvy enough, was I not patient enough or did I just have cosmic bad luck that we didn't get the teacher that would have gotten my kid. My closest friends had younger kids that had the same teacher and their kids did great and the teacher was great with their family. My friends try to make me feel better by saying, I'm sure it's because we are Red Sox fans and we bonded with the teacher over that. So then I think I should have been in the classroom more and kissed butt more? So for my own sanity, I have to believe that it was a good thing I wasn't a Red Sox fan and we were put on this path for a reason. I may not know why now, but one day it will be clear why it wasn't meant to be for us to have those great stories about our local school and end up seeking something else.

[Anonymous]

Find it strange that you care about your neighbor's or even friends feelings about where you send your kid to school.

Everyone has their 2 cents, does not mean you have to listen.

We plan on sending DC to private school for middle and hs. We are both private school lifers since prek to grad schools. When we sent DC to public for elementary, DH's parents were surprised but let us make the choice. My parents did not care. Really no one's business. Why do u care what people think?

[Anonymous]

DC are in public - honestly if I had more $ I would probably send them to private. Also, tho, think there are legit pluses and minuses to any and every school experience. But we're in a situation (NW DC in Hardy path) where lots of kids start departing for private throughout elementary- and even if we do play dates and see kids around the neighborhood, it is harder for the kids and the parents to maintain friendships that have been made. One of DS's favorite friends left for private & we do see him sometimes but it's not the same as everyday on the playground and recess or being part of school related events together & they of course naturally spend time making friends and being involved in their new school When I hear about DCs' classmates moving on, I say "wow, that's great, what a great school.' but do get 'annoyed' or feel some sense of 'loss' for the friendship and also the parent's investment/involvement in the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm frustrated and annoyed when our friends choose private. And, as individuals many of them do have well thought out reasons: they want a school that matches their religious/cultural tradition or they have a child with special needs. However, taken collectively all those choices mean that even in our relatively well off city, the schools are majority low-income kids. And they are nice capable kids, but there isn't a block of wealthy and middle class parents pressuring the schools to do better and pressuring our city to spend more money-instead as a middle class parent (by education if not by wealth) I've encountered the "if you don't like it, get out" mentality from school officials.

I wouldn't stop being your friend-I value having a diverse group of friends, and I wouldn't have any friends if I dropped people every time they do something I don't approve of, but, yeah, I'm disappointed.

This person summed up my feelings as well. I would just add that I often am frustrated because it seems that the person is not making what I consider a truly informed choice. I absolutely accept that there are individual cases where the unique circumstances of the child mean a particular private is the best choice, but in my experience, having had these conversations with a number of people over the years, the decision is not based on real knowledge/experience with the school. People are relying on stuff they heard from someone 5 years ago, when none of the staff, students, or situations that existed are still in place. They look at average test scores, which tell you nothing about what you kid, who might be at or above grade level, will experience. It's not perfect--nothing is--but it's truly not bad now, and I think it can be even better if you come along for the ride with us. I get frustrated because when I give specific examples of the positive experiences we have had, and people just nod and say "yeah, well--we are doing private" it's hard not to feel as though you think I'm lying to you. No one likes to be called a liar.

None of this need necessarily apply to OP--I don't know their situation. It's just my general feeling from doing this for a while.

Like the friend of a friend who told me: "The public schools here are shit, I would never send my kid there." "Oh, what schools have you or your wife visited." "I don't have time for that."

Test scores show the average of what the school is producing. If your kid is advanced at an average school they're certainly not going to get the challenging environment they need to continue excelling. That's why people don't bother visiting schools where the test scores are so low. Sending their child to a school with these results is not an option for them, so it's a waste of time.

[Anonymous]

In my experience it's the public school parents who start it. They ask if you are *still* going there and the. They launch into the public school debate. They don't even need you. They can do the whole argument without you saying a word. It is a groin issue. The differences are hard to quantify directly because you aren't there. But after years in public I was tired of all the bs and it was not very challenging very happy we made the change and. Never looked back

[Anonymous]

We lost friends when we switched to private, but gained a bunch of new ones. The "losses" were more about differing schedules and lack of face time than anything else. In a (very) few cases it was awkward because a family was clearly judging us or feeling envious about our choice, but in the vast majority of cases, no one cared about our decision other than to say "we will miss you." The growing apart was organic after that, and regrettable but sort of inevitable.