About to switch to private and about to lose some friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have found that the best thing to do is simply say "we really like the school", and repeat as necessary when all the questions keep coming.
How could you pay that much?
" we really like the school"
Do you think it's better education than public?
"We really like the school"
Well I heard there is a big drug and behavior problem there
"We really like the school"

I have made the mistake of trying to answer questions to explain and it makes things worse.

This is great advice. I made the same mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have found that the best thing to do is simply say "we really like the school", and repeat as necessary when all the questions keep coming.
How could you pay that much?
" we really like the school"
Do you think it's better education than public?
"We really like the school"
Well I heard there is a big drug and behavior problem there
"We really like the school"

I have made the mistake of trying to answer questions to explain and it makes things worse.

This is great advice. I made the same mistake.

I agree. If you encounter a parent who's focused on quizzing you and telling you why the local public school is better, there's absolutely no way to have a reasonable conversation. It's like talking to your uncle at Thanksgiving who listens to only Fox News and who needs to tell you about how President Obama is selling the country to Socialist Facists -- you just have to nod politely and change the subject ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This person summed up my feelings as well. I would just add that I often am frustrated because it seems that the person is not making what I consider a truly informed choice. I absolutely accept that there are individual cases where the unique circumstances of the child mean a particular private is the best choice, but in my experience, having had these conversations with a number of people over the years, the decision is not based on real knowledge/experience with the school. People are relying on stuff they heard from someone 5 years ago, when none of the staff, students, or situations that existed are still in place. They look at average test scores, which tell you nothing about what you kid, who might be at or above grade level, will experience. It's not perfect--nothing is--but it's truly not bad now, and I think it can be even better if you come along for the ride with us. I get frustrated because when I give specific examples of the positive experiences we have had, and people just nod and say "yeah, well--we are doing private" it's hard not to feel as though you think I'm lying to you. No one likes to be called a liar.

So from your perspective, if I don't agree with your viewpoint and pull my child out of her private school, then you think I'm calling you a liar? ... Is that really how you see the world, or are you just engaging in hyperbole?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't un-friend you if we had a lot of history and a group of common friends. But I wouldn't friend you if I was meeting you for the first time. I also probably wouldn't work to strengthen our friendship or the friendship of our kids. It wouldn't be as much a judgmental thing as it would be - time wasted. You'll be busy with people and experiences that at the new school. I need to focus as much energy as possible on making our children's experience at their school the best it can be.

How about giving your kid some space? They are attending the school not you. Of course you should be invested and involved, but you should focus a lot more energy on the other aspects of your life and let your kids have their own experiences. ( Yes, I am a teacher at an independent school.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ultimately, if you choose a private school, especially after attending the local public one, you ARE making a statement that the public school is not good enough for your child. There are many reason why you might make that decision (wanting a religious influence, wanting smaller classes, wanting a different group of peers, wanting different academic opportunities), but that IS what your move to private is saying.

It's not unexpected that someone who has decided the public school IS good enough for their kids would feel a little insulted by your choice. Good friends would not say that and would want things to work out for you whatever that may be. You are making a value judgment too OP and you said your standards are higher than theirs.... what is good enough for them is not good enough for you. If you want to ditch public, than don't be so surprised that supporters of your local public feel *a little* rejected. You ARE rejecting their school and their standards.

Tough tushies. Everyone does what they think is best for their kids. I don't judge my friends for having their kids in public, private, religious, secular or even homeschooling environments. I want them to do what's best for them. Their choices do not insult me and my choices.

Did those friends' kids actually attend your kids' school and then decide they wanted something "different" that happens to cost $30K more than the public school? That's the difference. I don't judge or begrudge my friends who live in other areas for the cost/benefit analysis they have made. It becomes a bit personal though, if a friend in my kids' school says she wants better for her kid. Not going to hate on someone for making that choice (I might make the same choice if I was richer).... but it IS a statement that my public is not good enough for that person's kid.

I think the same thing happens in the reverse at privates.... there is pressure to stay with the private and people thinking of leaving for public don't dare mention it.

We just left a well-regarded charter for a suburban school,and you know what? It's because the school wasn't a good fit for my kid. It's not a good fit for some other kids there, too (though they are leaving within a few years, as well). It is a good fit for most of the class, though, because the school excels at getting kids in tough circumstances and/or low SES kids prepared for college. That's not really an issue for my kid.

I suppose, if you were looking for a reason to be offended, you could substitute "good enough" for "a good fit." You might even be right. But I really don't care.

[Anonymous]

I'm OP and I can't believe it but I'm back.

So people read it as an insult to their own parenting if I put my kid in private? Would I offend people if I moved to a neighborhood different than the one they chose or bought a different car? It seems like unless people are unsure of their own decisions they should not be offended. If they really think their school is better they should pity me for throwing away my money on something so ill informed right? I don't hear pity though, I hear hostility.

[Anonymous]

Well, you hear hostility from a few here, and they are probably representative of the "friends" about whom you originally posted. But they are the ones who put that interpretation on your actions, not you.

You do what you think is best for your family and just let them go...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP and I can't believe it but I'm back.

So people read it as an insult to their own parenting if I put my kid in private? Would I offend people if I moved to a neighborhood different than the one they chose or bought a different car? It seems like unless people are unsure of their own decisions they should not be offended. If they really think their school is better they should pity me for throwing away my money on something so ill informed right? I don't hear pity though, I hear hostility.

Our experience was difference.

We took our boys out of the local, top MOCO school and moved them into a private as each entered 5th grade.

Our neighbors/friends, whose kids stayed in the public schools didn't like it very much. But it wasn't a jealousy thing. It was their sense that we were breaking up the gang that had played on so many teams together, went to school together and played together in the neighborhood. They wanted this rather large group of kids and parents to stay together. So they viewed us as disloyal to the community and of not sharing the same feelings.

The schools and the kids and the teams, both school teams and non-school teams were a large part of what held the group together.

And they were right because once these boys started to go to different schools, those friendship, both the kids and the parents, were never the same.

We wouldn't have done anything different even with hindsight. The private schools we sent them to were superior experiences academically, socially and athletically. The fracturing of those friendships was just unavoidable collateral damage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm frustrated and annoyed when our friends choose private. And, as individuals many of them do have well thought out reasons: they want a school that matches their religious/cultural tradition or they have a child with special needs. However, taken collectively all those choices mean that even in our relatively well off city, the schools are majority low-income kids. And they are nice capable kids, but there isn't a block of wealthy and middle class parents pressuring the schools to do better and pressuring our city to spend more money-instead as a middle class parent (by education if not by wealth) I've encountered the "if you don't like it, get out" mentality from school officials.

I wouldn't stop being your friend-I value having a diverse group of friends, and I wouldn't have any friends if I dropped people every time they do something I don't approve of, but, yeah, I'm disappointed.

This person summed up my feelings as well. I would just add that I often am frustrated because it seems that the person is not making what I consider a truly informed choice. I absolutely accept that there are individual cases where the unique circumstances of the child mean a particular private is the best choice, but in my experience, having had these conversations with a number of people over the years, the decision is not based on real knowledge/experience with the school. People are relying on stuff they heard from someone 5 years ago, when none of the staff, students, or situations that existed are still in place. They look at average test scores, which tell you nothing about what you kid, who might be at or above grade level, will experience. It's not perfect--nothing is--but it's truly not bad now, and I think it can be even better if you come along for the ride with us. I get frustrated because when I give specific examples of the positive experiences we have had, and people just nod and say "yeah, well--we are doing private" it's hard not to feel as though you think I'm lying to you. No one likes to be called a liar.

None of this need necessarily apply to OP--I don't know their situation. It's just my general feeling from doing this for a while.

And that's exactly how I feel about you as a private school parent. You can truly not appreciate how different school can be unless you have experience with both.

My child attended an Alexandria city elementary - a good one - and then we moved to private. The difference is overwhelming. I can explain it to neighbors but most just don't truly get it. And yes, I admit now, I do judge the parents who tell me the public school is good because really it's just awful. It's not just that one school even it's the whole city system and curriculum that's so incredibly bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm frustrated and annoyed when our friends choose private. And, as individuals many of them do have well thought out reasons: they want a school that matches their religious/cultural tradition or they have a child with special needs. However, taken collectively all those choices mean that even in our relatively well off city, the schools are majority low-income kids. And they are nice capable kids, but there isn't a block of wealthy and middle class parents pressuring the schools to do better and pressuring our city to spend more money-instead as a middle class parent (by education if not by wealth) I've encountered the "if you don't like it, get out" mentality from school officials.

I wouldn't stop being your friend-I value having a diverse group of friends, and I wouldn't have any friends if I dropped people every time they do something I don't approve of, but, yeah, I'm disappointed.

This person summed up my feelings as well. I would just add that I often am frustrated because it seems that the person is not making what I consider a truly informed choice. I absolutely accept that there are individual cases where the unique circumstances of the child mean a particular private is the best choice, but in my experience, having had these conversations with a number of people over the years, the decision is not based on real knowledge/experience with the school. People are relying on stuff they heard from someone 5 years ago, when none of the staff, students, or situations that existed are still in place. They look at average test scores, which tell you nothing about what you kid, who might be at or above grade level, will experience. It's not perfect--nothing is--but it's truly not bad now, and I think it can be even better if you come along for the ride with us. I get frustrated because when I give specific examples of the positive experiences we have had, and people just nod and say "yeah, well--we are doing private" it's hard not to feel as though you think I'm lying to you. No one likes to be called a liar.

None of this need necessarily apply to OP--I don't know their situation. It's just my general feeling from doing this for a while.

And that's exactly how I feel about you as a private school parent. You can truly not appreciate how different school can be unless you have experience with both.

My child attended an Alexandria city elementary - a good one - and then we moved to private. The difference is overwhelming. I can explain it to neighbors but most just don't truly get it. And yes, I admit now, I do judge the parents who tell me the public school is good because really it's just awful. It's not just that one school even it's the whole city system and curriculum that's so incredibly bad.

Ditto as a private school parent in Arlington-where my local elementary is one of the "best". It was way too big for my kid who spent 3 years there. After what I considered a fair shot, I had had enough. After one year in her private she is a totally different kid (for the better) and I am even more confident I made the right choice and this is the year I am going to stop feeling like I have to justify my decision to people who ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the issue gets turned around, so that the public school parents still at the school assume your choice implies that they either 1) care less about the education of their own children or 2) are poorer and lack the ability to achieve more for their kids.

I don't think they care about the kids, I think they care about what your choice implies about their own parenting.

--Mom of public school kids, FWIW.

Turn it around is right. When you talk with public school parents about school you always have to make up some excuse why you left. You can never come out and say "Its better school. duh!" Then they go right on to judge the amount of money you are spending ... how much is it again? What I see behind that veneer is anger/ rage at the frustrations of public school. There are many drawbacks, but there is little that an average person can do to change that. They are stuck and you are not. Then they throw in the DRUGS AT PRIVATE SCHOOL. Like there are no drugs at public. Dream on -- and keep your eyes closed tight. The privates just do not have the suicide/ drug overdose deaths that the publics do. But it is part of the public school persona to just over look the facts.

[Anonymous]

This person summed up my feelings as well. I would just add that I often am frustrated because it seems that the person is not making what I consider a truly informed choice. I absolutely accept that there are individual cases where the unique circumstances of the child mean a particular private is the best choice, but in my experience, having had these conversations with a number of people over the years, the decision is not based on real knowledge/experience with the school. People are relying on stuff they heard from someone 5 years ago, when none of the staff, students, or situations that existed are still in place. They look at average test scores, which tell you nothing about what you kid, who might be at or above grade level, will experience. It's not perfect--nothing is--but it's truly not bad now, and I think it can be even better if you come along for the ride with us. I get frustrated because when I give specific examples of the positive experiences we have had, and people just nod and say "yeah, well--we are doing private" it's hard not to feel as though you think I'm lying to you. No one likes to be called a liar.

None of this need necessarily apply to OP--I don't know their situation. It's just my general feeling from doing this for a while.

PP above summed up the attitude completely-- arrogant, overbearing, insecure in your face, public school baby mama. The decision has already been made, so the parent is as informed as they need to be. But this person turns it into an argument then claims she is being called a liar. Those people just make me laugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're not raising your kids. I could care less where my friend's send their children to school, or where they live for the matter. Do what's best for your family.

We're zoned for Waynewood - Whitewood - and never had any intentions of sending our child there, and I've received some classic remarks. We're Catholic and wanted our child to go to a particular Catholic school. It's amazing how little class some people have.

Another zoned Waynewood family that chose Catholic school....we got a lot of backlash in our neighborhood when we chose Catholic. I don't regret our decision one bit and ignore the haters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP and I can't believe it but I'm back.

So people read it as an insult to their own parenting if I put my kid in private? Would I offend people if I moved to a neighborhood different than the one they chose or bought a different car? It seems like unless people are unsure of their own decisions they should not be offended. If they really think their school is better they should pity me for throwing away my money on something so ill informed right? I don't hear pity though, I hear hostility.

OP, how do you feel about the political argument. By leaving public you are withdrawing all of your resources, and you are one small piece in a larger trend that creates public school disinvested (because they aren't a priority to the middle class and wealthy parents who don't use the schools) with an overrepresentation of kids who need more resources to succeed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What difference does it make? They are doing what is best for their child -- education is individualized and perhaps the parents are finding an environment that best suits their child. It has nothing to do with your child. Don't make it personal, as it is not.

Applause.

You do what you feel is best for your own kids. You should expect others to do what they think is best for theirs. It's irrational and overstepping to expect/demand that they do otherwise, just to please you.

You can go through life one of two ways. You can 1) either accept that you don't control others' decisions, and make the best decisions you can for your family within your own zone of control, or 2) you can drive yourself and everyone around you crazy over the fact that you aren't in charge of everyone else's family as well. Pathway #1 leads to a much happier life.

For those who say that when others choose private they are saying the public school isn't "good enough," this is nonsense, and who cares anyway? My next-door neighbor drives a Mercedes. Somehow I manage not to interpret this as an insult of of my own car. I'm secure that I made a very good choice for a lot less money. If you feel that others' contrary choices are a criticism of yours, you are exhibiting huge insecurity in your own decisions. Re-evaluate your own choices by all means then, but don't get angry at those who choose differently.