About to switch to private and about to lose some friends

[Anonymous]

I think the issue gets turned around, so that the public school parents still at the school assume your choice implies that they either 1) care less about the education of their own children or 2) are poorer and lack the ability to achieve more for their kids.

I don't think they care about the kids, I think they care about what your choice implies about their own parenting.

--Mom of public school kids, FWIW.

[Anonymous]

OP, we're an Alexandria family that decided to go private from PK on, and we get a lot of resentment from our DC's preschool classmates' parents. We're even zoned for what is supposedly the best public elementary school in Alexandria (according to test scores). What we found when we visited was a school that is stronger than most, but still lacks many of the things we were looking for in our DC's education.

I think the resentment is due to three things:

1) despite the veneer of friendship, people in this area are highly competitive. The idea that you'd drop $30,000-$40,000 per child on a private education alone generates resentment. Some parents can barely conceal their envy. I think it's ridiculous. I don't resent them for having bigger houses or more expensive cars. I figure they chose to invest in different things. Unfortunately, not everyone is mature enough to see it that way.

We have one of the smaller houses in our neighborhood, we drive more modest cars, and we haven't been on an expensive vacation since we started sending our children to private school. However, we will spend money on education, because we value it above these other things. Yes, we also have a higher income than some of our neighbors, but we've made major trade-offs to be able to afford private school for our children.

2) The fact that you are making a different choice suggests to some insecure parents that their choice is somehow not "good enough."

3) You are making a choice that will make your day-to-day life and routines different from theirs. You'll no longer see them at public school events or have the same concerns. You won't really be part of their everyday social circle.


Your real friends will stick with you no matter what. The rest, I wouldn't worry about, unless you're willing to compromise what you think is best for your children for the sake of acquaintances' approval.

Also, in Alexandria, there is a sizable cadre of private school parents, to try to connect with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ultimately, if you choose a private school, especially after attending the local public one, you ARE making a statement that the public school is not good enough for your child. There are many reason why you might make that decision (wanting a religious influence, wanting smaller classes, wanting a different group of peers, wanting different academic opportunities), but that IS what your move to private is saying.

It's not unexpected that someone who has decided the public school IS good enough for their kids would feel a little insulted by your choice. Good friends would not say that and would want things to work out for you whatever that may be. You are making a value judgment too OP and you said your standards are higher than theirs.... what is good enough for them is not good enough for you. If you want to ditch public, than don't be so surprised that supporters of your local public feel *a little* rejected. You ARE rejecting their school and their standards.

Tough tushies. Everyone does what they think is best for their kids. I don't judge my friends for having their kids in public, private, religious, secular or even homeschooling environments. I want them to do what's best for them. Their choices do not insult me and my choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ultimately, if you choose a private school, especially after attending the local public one, you ARE making a statement that the public school is not good enough for your child. There are many reason why you might make that decision (wanting a religious influence, wanting smaller classes, wanting a different group of peers, wanting different academic opportunities), but that IS what your move to private is saying.

It's not unexpected that someone who has decided the public school IS good enough for their kids would feel a little insulted by your choice. Good friends would not say that and would want things to work out for you whatever that may be. You are making a value judgment too OP and you said your standards are higher than theirs.... what is good enough for them is not good enough for you. If you want to ditch public, than don't be so surprised that supporters of your local public feel *a little* rejected. You ARE rejecting their school and their standards.

Tough tushies. Everyone does what they think is best for their kids. I don't judge my friends for having their kids in public, private, religious, secular or even homeschooling environments. I want them to do what's best for them. Their choices do not insult me and my choices.

Did those friends' kids actually attend your kids' school and then decide they wanted something "different" that happens to cost $30K more than the public school? That's the difference. I don't judge or begrudge my friends who live in other areas for the cost/benefit analysis they have made. It becomes a bit personal though, if a friend in my kids' school says she wants better for her kid. Not going to hate on someone for making that choice (I might make the same choice if I was richer).... but it IS a statement that my public is not good enough for that person's kid.

I think the same thing happens in the reverse at privates.... there is pressure to stay with the private and people thinking of leaving for public don't dare mention it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ultimately, if you choose a private school, especially after attending the local public one, you ARE making a statement that the public school is not good enough for your child. There are many reason why you might make that decision (wanting a religious influence, wanting smaller classes, wanting a different group of peers, wanting different academic opportunities), but that IS what your move to private is saying.

It's not unexpected that someone who has decided the public school IS good enough for their kids would feel a little insulted by your choice. Good friends would not say that and would want things to work out for you whatever that may be. You are making a value judgment too OP and you said your standards are higher than theirs.... what is good enough for them is not good enough for you. If you want to ditch public, than don't be so surprised that supporters of your local public feel *a little* rejected. You ARE rejecting their school and their standards.

Tough tushies. Everyone does what they think is best for their kids. I don't judge my friends for having their kids in public, private, religious, secular or even homeschooling environments. I want them to do what's best for them. Their choices do not insult me and my choices.

Did those friends' kids actually attend your kids' school and then decide they wanted something "different" that happens to cost $30K more than the public school? That's the difference. I don't judge or begrudge my friends who live in other areas for the cost/benefit analysis they have made. It becomes a bit personal though, if a friend in my kids' school says she wants better for her kid. Not going to hate on someone for making that choice (I might make the same choice if I was richer).... but it IS a statement that my public is not good enough for that person's kid.

Do you carry the same resentment toward people who have nicer cars or nicer houses than you do ... because by buying a bigger house or car, they're saying your house and car aren't good enough for them?

[Anonymous]

What difference does it make? They are doing what is best for their child -- education is individualized and perhaps the parents are finding an environment that best suits their child. It has nothing to do with your child. Don't make it personal, as it is not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ultimately, if you choose a private school, especially after attending the local public one, you ARE making a statement that the public school is not good enough for your child. There are many reason why you might make that decision (wanting a religious influence, wanting smaller classes, wanting a different group of peers, wanting different academic opportunities), but that IS what your move to private is saying.

It's not unexpected that someone who has decided the public school IS good enough for their kids would feel a little insulted by your choice. Good friends would not say that and would want things to work out for you whatever that may be. You are making a value judgment too OP and you said your standards are higher than theirs.... what is good enough for them is not good enough for you. If you want to ditch public, than don't be so surprised that supporters of your local public feel *a little* rejected. You ARE rejecting their school and their standards.

Tough tushies. Everyone does what they think is best for their kids. I don't judge my friends for having their kids in public, private, religious, secular or even homeschooling environments. I want them to do what's best for them. Their choices do not insult me and my choices.

Did those friends' kids actually attend your kids' school and then decide they wanted something "different" that happens to cost $30K more than the public school? That's the difference. I don't judge or begrudge my friends who live in other areas for the cost/benefit analysis they have made. It becomes a bit personal though, if a friend in my kids' school says she wants better for her kid. Not going to hate on someone for making that choice (I might make the same choice if I was richer).... but it IS a statement that my public is not good enough for that person's kid.

I think the same thing happens in the reverse at privates.... there is pressure to stay with the private and people thinking of leaving for public don't dare mention it.

[Anonymous]

I went through the exact same thing only they weren't even friends, they were acquaintances from the school. One woman was particularly invested in my decision. Whatever. My child, my choice and I don't owe anyone an explanation. Interestingly, her children had the benefit of being a double legacy at HPY and mine do not- one of many differences our children had. The school I moved my child to was the best school experience my child has ever had - and DC has had many because we move a lot. Only you know what's best for your child.

[Anonymous]

I think people in Alexandria just suck. Look at the recent zoning cases--the whole city has an insular, judgmental culture.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sure no one will care.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't un-friend you if we had a lot of history and a group of common friends. But I wouldn't friend you if I was meeting you for the first time. I also probably wouldn't work to strengthen our friendship or the friendship of our kids. It wouldn't be as much a judgmental thing as it would be - time wasted. You'll be busy with people and experiences that at the new school. I need to focus as much energy as possible on making our children's experience at their school the best it can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm frustrated and annoyed when our friends choose private. And, as individuals many of them do have well thought out reasons: they want a school that matches their religious/cultural tradition or they have a child with special needs. However, taken collectively all those choices mean that even in our relatively well off city, the schools are majority low-income kids. And they are nice capable kids, but there isn't a block of wealthy and middle class parents pressuring the schools to do better and pressuring our city to spend more money-instead as a middle class parent (by education if not by wealth) I've encountered the "if you don't like it, get out" mentality from school officials.

I wouldn't stop being your friend-I value having a diverse group of friends, and I wouldn't have any friends if I dropped people every time they do something I don't approve of, but, yeah, I'm disappointed.

This person summed up my feelings as well. I would just add that I often am frustrated because it seems that the person is not making what I consider a truly informed choice. I absolutely accept that there are individual cases where the unique circumstances of the child mean a particular private is the best choice, but in my experience, having had these conversations with a number of people over the years, the decision is not based on real knowledge/experience with the school. People are relying on stuff they heard from someone 5 years ago, when none of the staff, students, or situations that existed are still in place. They look at average test scores, which tell you nothing about what you kid, who might be at or above grade level, will experience. It's not perfect--nothing is--but it's truly not bad now, and I think it can be even better if you come along for the ride with us. I get frustrated because when I give specific examples of the positive experiences we have had, and people just nod and say "yeah, well--we are doing private" it's hard not to feel as though you think I'm lying to you. No one likes to be called a liar.

None of this need necessarily apply to OP--I don't know their situation. It's just my general feeling from doing this for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm frustrated and annoyed when our friends choose private. And, as individuals many of them do have well thought out reasons: they want a school that matches their religious/cultural tradition or they have a child with special needs. However, taken collectively all those choices mean that even in our relatively well off city, the schools are majority low-income kids. And they are nice capable kids, but there isn't a block of wealthy and middle class parents pressuring the schools to do better and pressuring our city to spend more money-instead as a middle class parent (by education if not by wealth) I've encountered the "if you don't like it, get out" mentality from school officials.

I wouldn't stop being your friend-I value having a diverse group of friends, and I wouldn't have any friends if I dropped people every time they do something I don't approve of, but, yeah, I'm disappointed.

This person summed up my feelings as well. I would just add that I often am frustrated because it seems that the person is not making what I consider a truly informed choice. I absolutely accept that there are individual cases where the unique circumstances of the child mean a particular private is the best choice, but in my experience, having had these conversations with a number of people over the years, the decision is not based on real knowledge/experience with the school. People are relying on stuff they heard from someone 5 years ago, when none of the staff, students, or situations that existed are still in place. They look at average test scores, which tell you nothing about what you kid, who might be at or above grade level, will experience. It's not perfect--nothing is--but it's truly not bad now, and I think it can be even better if you come along for the ride with us. I get frustrated because when I give specific examples of the positive experiences we have had, and people just nod and say "yeah, well--we are doing private" it's hard not to feel as though you think I'm lying to you. No one likes to be called a liar.

None of this need necessarily apply to OP--I don't know their situation. It's just my general feeling from doing this for a while.

Like the friend of a friend who told me: "The public schools here are shit, I would never send my kid there." "Oh, what schools have you or your wife visited." "I don't have time for that."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm frustrated and annoyed when our friends choose private. And, as individuals many of them do have well thought out reasons: they want a school that matches their religious/cultural tradition or they have a child with special needs. However, taken collectively all those choices mean that even in our relatively well off city, the schools are majority low-income kids. And they are nice capable kids, but there isn't a block of wealthy and middle class parents pressuring the schools to do better and pressuring our city to spend more money-instead as a middle class parent (by education if not by wealth) I've encountered the "if you don't like it, get out" mentality from school officials.

I wouldn't stop being your friend-I value having a diverse group of friends, and I wouldn't have any friends if I dropped people every time they do something I don't approve of, but, yeah, I'm disappointed.

This person summed up my feelings as well. I would just add that I often am frustrated because it seems that the person is not making what I consider a truly informed choice. I absolutely accept that there are individual cases where the unique circumstances of the child mean a particular private is the best choice, but in my experience, having had these conversations with a number of people over the years, the decision is not based on real knowledge/experience with the school. People are relying on stuff they heard from someone 5 years ago, when none of the staff, students, or situations that existed are still in place. They look at average test scores, which tell you nothing about what you kid, who might be at or above grade level, will experience. It's not perfect--nothing is--but it's truly not bad now, and I think it can be even better if you come along for the ride with us. I get frustrated because when I give specific examples of the positive experiences we have had, and people just nod and say "yeah, well--we are doing private" it's hard not to feel as though you think I'm lying to you. No one likes to be called a liar.

None of this need necessarily apply to OP--I don't know their situation. It's just my general feeling from doing this for a while.

I agree with these PPs wholeheartedly. However, I would certainly not stop being friends with someone because they sent their kid to private school even if I was disappointed in the choice.

I would certainly stop being friends with them if they suggested that their choice reveals that they value their children's education more than I do. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ultimately, if you choose a private school, especially after attending the local public one, you ARE making a statement that the public school is not good enough for your child. There are many reason why you might make that decision (wanting a religious influence, wanting smaller classes, wanting a different group of peers, wanting different academic opportunities), but that IS what your move to private is saying.

It's not unexpected that someone who has decided the public school IS good enough for their kids would feel a little insulted by your choice. Good friends would not say that and would want things to work out for you whatever that may be. You are making a value judgment too OP and you said your standards are higher than theirs.... what is good enough for them is not good enough for you. If you want to ditch public, than don't be so surprised that supporters of your local public feel *a little* rejected. You ARE rejecting their school and their standards.

Tough tushies. Everyone does what they think is best for their kids. I don't judge my friends for having their kids in public, private, religious, secular or even homeschooling environments. I want them to do what's best for them. Their choices do not insult me and my choices.

Did those friends' kids actually attend your kids' school and then decide they wanted something "different" that happens to cost $30K more than the public school? That's the difference. I don't judge or begrudge my friends who live in other areas for the cost/benefit analysis they have made. It becomes a bit personal though, if a friend in my kids' school says she wants better for her kid. Not going to hate on someone for making that choice (I might make the same choice if I was richer).... but it IS a statement that my public is not good enough for that person's kid.

I think the same thing happens in the reverse at privates.... there is pressure to stay with the private and people thinking of leaving for public don't dare mention it.

Yes, actually. And not all of them are paying that - a few are on financial aid. I have never had any of my friends say they wanted something "better" either; if they did, we would not be friends. I think they are all doing what they think is best for their kids, as we are for ours. I think to allow yourself to be insulted by your own insecurity is kinda sad. Be okay with your choices, and let others make theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm frustrated and annoyed when our friends choose private. And, as individuals many of them do have well thought out reasons: they want a school that matches their religious/cultural tradition or they have a child with special needs. However, taken collectively all those choices mean that even in our relatively well off city, the schools are majority low-income kids. And they are nice capable kids, but there isn't a block of wealthy and middle class parents pressuring the schools to do better and pressuring our city to spend more money-instead as a middle class parent (by education if not by wealth) I've encountered the "if you don't like it, get out" mentality from school officials.

I wouldn't stop being your friend-I value having a diverse group of friends, and I wouldn't have any friends if I dropped people every time they do something I don't approve of, but, yeah, I'm disappointed.

This person summed up my feelings as well. I would just add that I often am frustrated because it seems that the person is not making what I consider a truly informed choice. I absolutely accept that there are individual cases where the unique circumstances of the child mean a particular private is the best choice, but in my experience, having had these conversations with a number of people over the years, the decision is not based on real knowledge/experience with the school. People are relying on stuff they heard from someone 5 years ago, when none of the staff, students, or situations that existed are still in place. They look at average test scores, which tell you nothing about what you kid, who might be at or above grade level, will experience. It's not perfect--nothing is--but it's truly not bad now, and I think it can be even better if you come along for the ride with us. I get frustrated because when I give specific examples of the positive experiences we have had, and people just nod and say "yeah, well--we are doing private" it's hard not to feel as though you think I'm lying to you. No one likes to be called a liar.

None of this need necessarily apply to OP--I don't know their situation. It's just my general feeling from doing this for a while.

You don't think they're informed? And you wish your anecdotal evidence were more persuasive? My kids just left a toxic school that by all measures should be shut down but I know there are people there who would say "it's great! We love it!" Please, parents, stop judging- you don't know as much about other people's children and needs as you think you do. Do I understand why people still send their kids to that school? No, but it's none of my business and I don't judge them.