About to switch to private and about to lose some friends

[Anonymous]

I'm in a neighborhood with a great elementary and less great middle and high schools. Increasingly I have noticed among my friends here a certain annoyance and frustration with people who move or go private at middle school. The argument seems to be that if all the affluent families just stayed then the school would be great, and those who leave are bringing down everyone's property values by admitting the schools aren't awesome. Thing is, it has always been our plan to go private for middle and high school, even before we lived here and even before I met these people. I like them but if experience is any guide then our family may be viewed as throwing out money away or fearing diversity or worse. These are real friends so maybe they will be understanding (one can hope). Has it happened to you?

[Anonymous]

I'm sure some of them will decide to leave Alexandria soon, OP. It's a common phenomenon.

[Anonymous]

If someone is not your friend because of what school your kid goes to, then they aren't a real friend.

In my group of friends some of the kids go to Janney, Murch, Mann, and Lafayette, and some go to Sidwell and GDS. No one cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If someone is not your friend because of what school your kid goes to, then they aren't a real friend.

In my group of friends some of the kids go to Janney, Murch, Mann, and Lafayette, and some go to Sidwell and GDS. No one cares.

This.

If they get annoyed with you then they can fxxk off. None of their business and you're not responsible for keeping up the grades in their kids failing schools. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

People do have very strong feelings about private schools. Be prepared to hear all about the greatness of public and why private is not good/ there is a BIG DRUG problem at your private/ your DC has a problem and that's why DC is in private/ your private is not really challenging, in fact its easy. You lose some friends you gain some new ones. And every year there will be a hopeful follow- up. Still in private? After the first year you do not listen to it anymore.

[Anonymous]

This is OP -- I do have evidence that some people care (based on how they talk about other people) but I am going to hold out that the real friends won't be annoyed. I do like these people. If I didn't it would be easier to just say screw them. I am also fearing that often I end up seeing these people and interacting with them at school or school events, so maybe some of the friendships will just fizzle if we are at different schools.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is PP. I was talking about "people" You still hold onto some friends, but being at different schools, you do lose a few.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People do have very strong feelings about private schools. Be prepared to hear all about the greatness of public and why private is not good/ there is a BIG DRUG problem at your private/ your DC has a problem and that's why DC is in private/ your private is not really challenging, in fact its easy. You lose some friends you gain some new ones. And every year there will be a hopeful follow- up. Still in private? After the first year you do not listen to it anymore.

I don't even live in DC anymore and these are EXACT same things people say about the private schools here. I just smile and say the perfunctory "it's the best choice for our family" (a phrase I hate!) followed by silence.

[Anonymous]

^oh and they ALL know someone who went there and hated it. Someone you conveniently wouldn't know. Because it was years ago.

[Anonymous]

The older I get in life the more amazed I continue to be that many people just cannot grasp the concept that different decisions might be best for different people in different circumstances. Why this is such a hard concept I just cannot fathom, but for many people it's tough. Some people believe that anyone who makes a different decision must be wrong and made to feel so.

Normally I don't choose my friends among folks with this problem but unfortunately my spouse's family is filled with folks who do this and so we can't avoid them all. Causes spouse a lot of tension and anxiety.

Anyway, your real friends will adjust, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure some of them will decide to leave Alexandria soon, OP. It's a common phenomenon.

NP here. OP are you in Alexandria because I am and the same thing happened to us. I did not want to send our kids to GW and when we switched to private we got so many rude questions ("why would anyone want to pay $$$xxx? How much do,you pay? Why would you want to be so elitist?, etc). It blows my mind how rude some people are. I never ask about why someone pays so much for an expensive handbag or new car or for so many vacations or a second home, etc. but apparently sending your kid to private here in Alexandria equates to sending the message to all the families that chose public that you think you're better than they are, at least that is the message I got. And some people did distance themselves from me. It's bizarre.

[Anonymous]

I'm frustrated and annoyed when our friends choose private. And, as individuals many of them do have well thought out reasons: they want a school that matches their religious/cultural tradition or they have a child with special needs. However, taken collectively all those choices mean that even in our relatively well off city, the schools are majority low-income kids. And they are nice capable kids, but there isn't a block of wealthy and middle class parents pressuring the schools to do better and pressuring our city to spend more money-instead as a middle class parent (by education if not by wealth) I've encountered the "if you don't like it, get out" mentality from school officials.

I wouldn't stop being your friend-I value having a diverse group of friends, and I wouldn't have any friends if I dropped people every time they do something I don't approve of, but, yeah, I'm disappointed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure some of them will decide to leave Alexandria soon, OP. It's a common phenomenon.

NP here. OP are you in Alexandria because I am and the same thing happened to us. I did not want to send our kids to GW and when we switched to private we got so many rude questions ("why would anyone want to pay $$$xxx? How much do,you pay? Why would you want to be so elitist?, etc). It blows my mind how rude some people are. I never ask about why someone pays so much for an expensive handbag or new car or for so many vacations or a second home, etc. but apparently sending your kid to private here in Alexandria equates to sending the message to all the families that chose public that you think you're better than they are, at least that is the message I got. And some people did distance themselves from me. It's bizarre.

Alexandria parent here also who made the choice. Most of the parents at our local elementary have made the choice to have a larger home and a stay at home parent for several years. Both mean that private school are not an option. I think when I and other parents made the choice to go private that it does have the message that we value education more than they do. And quite frankly we do. GW is not a great school and if I hear one more parent tell me how great the band is I think my eyes will roll out of my head. Band is nice but I would rather the school have a great math program or science program.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm frustrated and annoyed when our friends choose private. And, as individuals many of them do have well thought out reasons: they want a school that matches their religious/cultural tradition or they have a child with special needs. However, taken collectively all those choices mean that even in our relatively well off city, the schools are majority low-income kids. And they are nice capable kids, but there isn't a block of wealthy and middle class parents pressuring the schools to do better and pressuring our city to spend more money-instead as a middle class parent (by education if not by wealth) I've encountered the "if you don't like it, get out" mentality from school officials.

I wouldn't stop being your friend-I value having a diverse group of friends, and I wouldn't have any friends if I dropped people every time they do something I don't approve of, but, yeah, I'm disappointed.

Well yes, you are right and that's why we left. As far as the school officials, if the middle class parents actually took more interest in school matters and then held school board members accountable to help all kids - not just low income kids - that would help too.

[Anonymous]

I have found that the best thing to do is simply say "we really like the school", and repeat as necessary when all the questions keep coming.
How could you pay that much?
" we really like the school"
Do you think it's better education than public?
"We really like the school"
Well I heard there is a big drug and behavior problem there
"We really like the school"

I have made the mistake of trying to answer questions to explain and it makes things worse.