She's Fat & Lazy

[Anonymous]

I forgot, sqeeze a lemon in the tea in the am and take multivitamins until your body heals.

Also take a bath or two together. Geez, have fun with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the thread, but I can tell you as the wife who did become fat and I'm sure my exH would have said I was lazy, I wasn't. I was miserable in a marriage, depressed, unhappy, I had lost sense of who I was as a woman, as a wife, I felt utterly helplessly miserable. And he was the reason. He was so mentally abusive and withholding, I had no idea at the time. For me though, I did go to the gym, and I did try and it didn't work. But for him, he'd put me down. He'd say I wasn't training hard, and I wasn't eating small enough. As he'd devour an entire pizza, alone and remain a super skinny guy. LONG story short, when we divorced, I lost 75 pounds. Without even trying. Because my inner woman was no longer put down, shamed, criticized. I was desired by others, I felt pretty, and my body just started responding. I think if she's depressed, she can feel your judgement and it's not helping. If you really do love her, I'd make her feel pretty, I'd go on walks with her as "dates" so you don't put her down. I'd get her a gorgeous lingerie set. I'd make her feel loved and desirable. If that doesn't work, then that is on her. But don't underestimate the value of feeling awful, and sensing your spouse feels that way about you too.

Same thing happened to me. I was with an abusive guy and gained a ton of weight, even though I have been skinny all my life. It was like I couldnt stop eating- and it was because it was my only (and not a smart way, but at the time I was so overwhelmed) way of dealing with the stress and the constant pain and emotional attacks.

Once I got divorced I lost all the weight and have gone back to my skinny self.

Maybe DH is the problem.

PP here, I dunno that DH is the problem, but maybe he's not helping. I wish I chose a better vice to my loneliness, depression etc. I wish I smoked, or drank, or did drugs, or on a healthier level, went to a therapist, ran, danced, something. But no, I ate. I stuffed down every emotion and every unhappiness. And that in turn changes your makeup and response to food anyway. I was eating foods I'd throw up mentioning now. But then, I noticed something. Even when I went on the low carb diet, and the intense gym regimen, I wouldn't lose a pound. I started thinking I was cursed. One day he and I both got sick and were puking for 3 days. He lost 7 pounds, me? NOTHING. I remember that day so clearly. He was always super judgmental of me, and I weak. I wanted him to say, wow. That is not right/fair. But no, it was me. Now, I get sick? I lost 7 pounds. I don't crave or buy bad food. It's like I'm a whole new person. And I firmly believe it's because I connect with who I am. And I firmly believe I chose to disconnect because I couldn't believe an intelligent strong woman would remain married to a man who made her feel so bad.

Trust me. I am the other PP and be glad it was food and not alcohol or drugs. A food addiction is hard enough to get over but when you are smoking/drinking/doing drugs often, that is just SO HARD to extricate yourself from.

PP it sounds like you made an awesome choice and I am so glad for you. I agree with your statement about "an intelligent strong woman would remain married to a man who made her feel so bad." I had to make the same choice and at the end of the day, I will never regret choosing "me" over our relationship. Best thing I ever did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actions speak louder than words. Does he do the same? Is there junk food in the closet? Does he eat wing and nachos while he downs a beer watching TV or does he make a nice salad on Saturday and ask her to go for a hike? Does he go to happy hour with friend or does he come home to help with the children?

Is he willing to go for a walk with her 3 days a week to help her be motivated and build their relationship or does he judge her, buy her yoga clothes and a gym membership and call it a day.

Lots of people can pay lip service to a problem and throw money at it but how many are actually vested in being part of the solution.

THIS!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds depressed.

I have always been an exercise fanatic so I don't get her--but she may be too depressed to start. Get her treatment.

Attention:: this is why you need to get your daughters into sports young. Cut the princess crap and get then into sports. Playing competitive sports from a young age led me to fitness discipline. There are so many moms I meet that weren't athletic growing up and don't even know where to begin. They also think walking on the treadmill at 3.0 will do something.

Attention:: just because you were an exercise nut when you were young (and lettered in three sports in HS and even played div I sport in college!) doesn't mean that you will stay in shape or keep greeting eating/exercise habits forever. Sometimes shit happens and it's really tough to get back into it.

[Anonymous]

Was she fit and took care of herself pre-kids? Or was she always a little overweight?

I am just curious and FWIW I agree with you OP. Its a shitty situation!

[Anonymous]

Is she lazy OP or is she unmotivated ? Because lazy tends to run off on every aspect of life where lack of motivation tends to post about what he thinks others are about.

Get my drift ?

Does her fatness bother you because she's unhealthy or does it bother you because you're shallow and don't like her fat ? If you keep on her about her weight yet do nothing positive to help, she'll likely lose a ton of weight. YOU.

[Anonymous]

OP - offer to pay for weight loss surgery. Tell her she can get a spa weekend when she loses 20, and a boob job when she does the full 50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she lazy OP or is she unmotivated ? Because lazy tends to run off on every aspect of life where lack of motivation tends to post about what he thinks others are about.

Get my drift ?

Does her fatness bother you because she's unhealthy or does it bother you because you're shallow and don't like her fat ? If you keep on her about her weight yet do nothing positive to help, she'll likely lose a ton of weight. YOU.

YUP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Actions speak louder than words. Does he do the same? Is there junk food in the closet? Does he eat wing and nachos while he downs a beer watching TV or does he make a nice salad on Saturday and ask her to go for a hike? Does he go to happy hour with friend or does he come home to help with the children?

Is he willing to go for a walk with her 3 days a week to help her be motivated and build their relationship or does he judge her, buy her yoga clothes and a gym membership and call it a day.

Lots of people can pay lip service to a problem and throw money at it but how many are actually vested in being part of the solution.

Do you have ANY suggestions for OP's wife or are you putting the entire solution on him. If she isn't motivated to do the work, then nothing is going to happen. It's very telling that you seem to blame OP for everything. Are you in the same situation as his DW? Seems like it.

No. But I would not compare anybody to me. I am in shape, the 75% breadwinner and do most of the kids stuff, support my H in his career but that is just the positive side of ADHD. The truth is, my H would never have the career he wanted without me, without my support, without my sacrifices. Um, yea that is what a team does. That is how I structure my family, like a team.

Everybody is all in 100% ... everybody. Not 50%/50%.

If you want something you have to actively achieve it. I understand if people can't rise to my level. But if you are going to sit on your ass, eating bon bons and wonder why you are not achieving goals for your family, I don't feel sorry for you.

Oh, yea ... suggestions. Yes I have suggestion.

Remove all boxed food from your house. Remove all candy from your house. Remove all dairy (except ice cream and milk for the kids) from your house. Remove all carbs, except brown rice and quinoa from your house.

Remove all artificial sweeteners from your house. Stop drinking coffee, use tea to get through the pain and suffering of the 1st 2 weeks, then switch to green tea.

NO ALCOHOL IN THE HOUSE... NONE!

Go to the store and literally buy every single solitary vegetable you see in the vegetable isle. Buy enough fruit so that everybody can have 2 servings of fruit a day.

Buy lean meat.

Buy whole milk yogurt (or 2%) no flavor and unsweetened vanilla almond milk.

Buy frozen berries and agave or honey

Sit the kids down and say "mom and dad" NOT JUST MOM, need to get healthier, we are going to eat healthier and exercise AS A FAMILY. So no candy, snacks, popcorn, junk for at least 2 weeks, WE (not mom) can not be tempted with artificial food.

Breakfast, smoothie (1/2 cup yogurt, berries, vanilla almond milk) (I add a protein powder and flax seeds)
Lunch - salad (with at least 5 vegetables) with 6-8 oz meat
Dinner - vegetable (or 2 or 3), 6-8oz meat and 1/2 cup rice (or quinoa)

NO alcohol.

Snacks: hummus, nuts (about 20), vegetables, 1/2 cup of plain yogurt (make tzatiki sp?), the 1 other fruit, 1/2 avacado


Every single weeknight the whole family should walk for 1 hour, ever single night... no excuses, no "it's too cold", no "but there is football/basketball on right now", find 1 hour... walk. as. a. family

Every single weekend, go to the gym, do a couples work out with a trainer. Let you trainer know you are on a new diet, because for the 1st 2 weeks workouts should not be high weight bearing.

Call me in 2 weeks and I will see how it is going, we may be able to adjust.

I'm laughing now because this is exactly what I do (aside from giving up the coffee - no way and I learned to just ditch the brown rice, agave and honey, too. I allow a square of dark chocolate on Fri and Sat nights) and I just don't see people doing this unless they HAVE to. I have to or I don't lose weight.

Yeah, I would LOVE to be able to eat pizza and pasta and still lose weight. I used to be able to do that. Things have changed for me. Thank God my own husband gets that and he is supportive of me and he also knows that it sucks (no way does he want to eat like me, lol). He even understands when I fall off the wagon and eat what I shouldn't for a while...

I am not going to lie and say that it doesn't suck, because it does. It takes a while for it to sink in that this is what you gotta do now. So being supportive is really important, especially at first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the thread, but I can tell you as the wife who did become fat and I'm sure my exH would have said I was lazy, I wasn't. I was miserable in a marriage, depressed, unhappy, I had lost sense of who I was as a woman, as a wife, I felt utterly helplessly miserable. And he was the reason. He was so mentally abusive and withholding, I had no idea at the time. For me though, I did go to the gym, and I did try and it didn't work. But for him, he'd put me down. He'd say I wasn't training hard, and I wasn't eating small enough. As he'd devour an entire pizza, alone and remain a super skinny guy. LONG story short, when we divorced, I lost 75 pounds. Without even trying. Because my inner woman was no longer put down, shamed, criticized. I was desired by others, I felt pretty, and my body just started responding. I think if she's depressed, she can feel your judgement and it's not helping. If you really do love her, I'd make her feel pretty, I'd go on walks with her as "dates" so you don't put her down. I'd get her a gorgeous lingerie set. I'd make her feel loved and desirable. If that doesn't work, then that is on her. But don't underestimate the value of feeling awful, and sensing your spouse feels that way about you too.

Please read the thread....but thanks for sharing your own story.

Not the quoted pp, but whether she reads the thread or not, what she said was relevant and may tip the OP off to his own wife's issues.

So, no snark, maybe you should read her response again for some possible insight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Actions speak louder than words. Does he do the same? Is there junk food in the closet? Does he eat wing and nachos while he downs a beer watching TV or does he make a nice salad on Saturday and ask her to go for a hike? Does he go to happy hour with friend or does he come home to help with the children?

Is he willing to go for a walk with her 3 days a week to help her be motivated and build their relationship or does he judge her, buy her yoga clothes and a gym membership and call it a day.

Lots of people can pay lip service to a problem and throw money at it but how many are actually vested in being part of the solution.

Do you have ANY suggestions for OP's wife or are you putting the entire solution on him. If she isn't motivated to do the work, then nothing is going to happen. It's very telling that you seem to blame OP for everything. Are you in the same situation as his DW? Seems like it.

No. But I would not compare anybody to me. I am in shape, the 75% breadwinner and do most of the kids stuff, support my H in his career but that is just the positive side of ADHD. The truth is, my H would never have the career he wanted without me, without my support, without my sacrifices. Um, yea that is what a team does. That is how I structure my family, like a team.

Everybody is all in 100% ... everybody. Not 50%/50%.

If you want something you have to actively achieve it. I understand if people can't rise to my level. But if you are going to sit on your ass, eating bon bons and wonder why you are not achieving goals for your family, I don't feel sorry for you.

Exactly. I think it's very telling, this whole, "Why me? Why do I have to do it? Why can't she fix it all by herself? What can I tell her so she realizes she needs to shoulder this burden all on her own, and fix it NOW" attitude. Clearly OP has no interest in genuinely fixing this problem, unless it involves laying on the couch while his DW does all the household chores while starving herself and finding time to workout.

If ANYONE sounds lazy, it's OP.

Totally agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Actions speak louder than words. Does he do the same? Is there junk food in the closet? Does he eat wing and nachos while he downs a beer watching TV or does he make a nice salad on Saturday and ask her to go for a hike? Does he go to happy hour with friend or does he come home to help with the children?

Is he willing to go for a walk with her 3 days a week to help her be motivated and build their relationship or does he judge her, buy her yoga clothes and a gym membership and call it a day.

Lots of people can pay lip service to a problem and throw money at it but how many are actually vested in being part of the solution.

Do you have ANY suggestions for OP's wife or are you putting the entire solution on him. If she isn't motivated to do the work, then nothing is going to happen. It's very telling that you seem to blame OP for everything. Are you in the same situation as his DW? Seems like it.

No. But I would not compare anybody to me. I am in shape, the 75% breadwinner and do most of the kids stuff, support my H in his career but that is just the positive side of ADHD. The truth is, my H would never have the career he wanted without me, without my support, without my sacrifices. Um, yea that is what a team does. That is how I structure my family, like a team.

Everybody is all in 100% ... everybody. Not 50%/50%.

If you want something you have to actively achieve it. I understand if people can't rise to my level. But if you are going to sit on your ass, eating bon bons and wonder why you are not achieving goals for your family, I don't feel sorry for you.

Oh, yea ... suggestions. Yes I have suggestion.

Remove all boxed food from your house. Remove all candy from your house. Remove all dairy (except ice cream and milk for the kids) from your house. Remove all carbs, except brown rice and quinoa from your house.

Remove all artificial sweeteners from your house. Stop drinking coffee, use tea to get through the pain and suffering of the 1st 2 weeks, then switch to green tea.

NO ALCOHOL IN THE HOUSE... NONE!

Go to the store and literally buy every single solitary vegetable you see in the vegetable isle. Buy enough fruit so that everybody can have 2 servings of fruit a day.

Buy lean meat.

Buy whole milk yogurt (or 2%) no flavor and unsweetened vanilla almond milk.

Buy frozen berries and agave or honey

Sit the kids down and say "mom and dad" NOT JUST MOM, need to get healthier, we are going to eat healthier and exercise AS A FAMILY. So no candy, snacks, popcorn, junk for at least 2 weeks, WE (not mom) can not be tempted with artificial food.

Breakfast, smoothie (1/2 cup yogurt, berries, vanilla almond milk) (I add a protein powder and flax seeds)
Lunch - salad (with at least 5 vegetables) with 6-8 oz meat
Dinner - vegetable (or 2 or 3), 6-8oz meat and 1/2 cup rice (or quinoa)

NO alcohol.

Snacks: hummus, nuts (about 20), vegetables, 1/2 cup of plain yogurt (make tzatiki sp?), the 1 other fruit, 1/2 avacado


Every single weeknight the whole family should walk for 1 hour, ever single night... no excuses, no "it's too cold", no "but there is football/basketball on right now", find 1 hour... walk. as. a. family

Every single weekend, go to the gym, do a couples work out with a trainer. Let you trainer know you are on a new diet, because for the 1st 2 weeks workouts should not be high weight bearing.

Call me in 2 weeks and I will see how it is going, we may be able to adjust.

This is absurd. To have any chance of working, small changes first.

There is some seriously bad advice on this thread. Not to mention a bunch of man-haters. What has OP done wrong, exactly, other than word his thread title a bit aggressively? So much projecting people'x experiences - just because you chose a crappy man, doesn't mean OP's wife did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She knows she's fat and lazy, and she hates herself for it. And if you harp on it, it will make her hate you for making her hate herself even more.

She has to come to the realization and do it by herself. Nothing you say or do will get her to that point . If you love her, I suggest being patient and letting her get to the place by herself, understanding it may take a long time. If you don't think you can handle an overweight wife, it's better to just get out now, because if your nagging does somehow get her motivated to lose weight, she'll probably resent you so much after the fact, she'll end up leaving you anyway.


This poster nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Actions speak louder than words. Does he do the same? Is there junk food in the closet? Does he eat wing and nachos while he downs a beer watching TV or does he make a nice salad on Saturday and ask her to go for a hike? Does he go to happy hour with friend or does he come home to help with the children?

Is he willing to go for a walk with her 3 days a week to help her be motivated and build their relationship or does he judge her, buy her yoga clothes and a gym membership and call it a day.

Lots of people can pay lip service to a problem and throw money at it but how many are actually vested in being part of the solution.

Do you have ANY suggestions for OP's wife or are you putting the entire solution on him. If she isn't motivated to do the work, then nothing is going to happen. It's very telling that you seem to blame OP for everything. Are you in the same situation as his DW? Seems like it.

No. But I would not compare anybody to me. I am in shape, the 75% breadwinner and do most of the kids stuff, support my H in his career but that is just the positive side of ADHD. The truth is, my H would never have the career he wanted without me, without my support, without my sacrifices. Um, yea that is what a team does. That is how I structure my family, like a team.

Everybody is all in 100% ... everybody. Not 50%/50%.

If you want something you have to actively achieve it. I understand if people can't rise to my level. But if you are going to sit on your ass, eating bon bons and wonder why you are not achieving goals for your family, I don't feel sorry for you.

Oh, yea ... suggestions. Yes I have suggestion.

Remove all boxed food from your house. Remove all candy from your house. Remove all dairy (except ice cream and milk for the kids) from your house. Remove all carbs, except brown rice and quinoa from your house.

Remove all artificial sweeteners from your house. Stop drinking coffee, use tea to get through the pain and suffering of the 1st 2 weeks, then switch to green tea.

NO ALCOHOL IN THE HOUSE... NONE!

Go to the store and literally buy every single solitary vegetable you see in the vegetable isle. Buy enough fruit so that everybody can have 2 servings of fruit a day.

Buy lean meat.

Buy whole milk yogurt (or 2%) no flavor and unsweetened vanilla almond milk.

Buy frozen berries and agave or honey

Sit the kids down and say "mom and dad" NOT JUST MOM, need to get healthier, we are going to eat healthier and exercise AS A FAMILY. So no candy, snacks, popcorn, junk for at least 2 weeks, WE (not mom) can not be tempted with artificial food.

Breakfast, smoothie (1/2 cup yogurt, berries, vanilla almond milk) (I add a protein powder and flax seeds)
Lunch - salad (with at least 5 vegetables) with 6-8 oz meat
Dinner - vegetable (or 2 or 3), 6-8oz meat and 1/2 cup rice (or quinoa)

NO alcohol.

Snacks: hummus, nuts (about 20), vegetables, 1/2 cup of plain yogurt (make tzatiki sp?), the 1 other fruit, 1/2 avacado


Every single weeknight the whole family should walk for 1 hour, ever single night... no excuses, no "it's too cold", no "but there is football/basketball on right now", find 1 hour... walk. as. a. family

Every single weekend, go to the gym, do a couples work out with a trainer. Let you trainer know you are on a new diet, because for the 1st 2 weeks workouts should not be high weight bearing.

Call me in 2 weeks and I will see how it is going, we may be able to adjust.

This is absurd. To have any chance of working, small changes first.

There is some seriously bad advice on this thread. Not to mention a bunch of man-haters. What has OP done wrong, exactly, other than word his thread title a bit aggressively? So much projecting people'x experiences - just because you chose a crappy man, doesn't mean OP's wife did.

Oh great, the manhating accusation again. Because anyone who disagrees with a man must hate all men, right? Give me break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not being able to lose weight does not mean she's lazy. It means she's not able to lose weight.

Wrong! Exercising and dieting and not seeing results means that you are not able to lose weight. Not putting in the work to lose weight is what OP is talking about.

No. You are wrong. I've lost and kept off 60 pounds. Will power is completely different than laziness.

Losing weight is much more about diet, OP, than exercise. I worked out almost daily while overweight. Took 3 hour hikes on weekends with my kids. Played tennis with them. Went swimming with them. Still do. Food is where it's at. And that's not about laziness. It's far more complex than that.