Weird Playdates - am I overreacting?

[Anonymous]

You know what really gets to me? Moms who don't tell other moms what they want/expect from these situations and then turn around and complain about it later! I bet you'll find that playdates go a lot more smoothly when you find your voice and speak up rather than taking the passive-aggressive approach you describe.

For example, if you didn't want a playdate to continue for four hours, why the heck didn't you just say so??? How hard is it to tell another mother that you need to wrap up so your child can take a nap or have some quiet time or get ready for dinner or whatever? Same goes for the out-of-bounds rooms. It sounds to me like you're the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually agree with the OP. If I don't know the people (this is a first playdate), I would hope that the attending parent feed there kid ahead of time and bring snacks for the kid (unless I specifically state this is a lunch). Staying over 2 hours is a big no-no and letting kids run around into private rooms without the parents stepping in is also a big no-no. The dad and daughter popping in at the end is strange to me. Until I know you better, please be on your best behavior! I know kids will be kids, but at least pretend to care that they are about to damage something or do something bad. The chicken mcnugget thing is no big deal.
FWIW,
I have stopped hosting at my house because I was tired of cleaning up huge messes! I always offer to help clean when I am invited to someone else's house!

You stopped hosting all play dates??? Because you don't like cleaning up?

Wow. I'm surprised you even have anyone inviting your child over to their houses.

[Anonymous]

Seriously OP, getting outraged that the kids ate more than your allotted 4 chicken nuggets per child is insane. As is hiding away your own child's toys that are "too expensive or too fragile" for kids to play with. What exactly is the point of those toys then? Lots of kids get a little crazy around playdates; not ideal from anyone's perspective, but hardly the stuff of such righteous indignation. I can't imagine what your own child's personality is like that all this comes as such as shock to you, but unless you plan to bubble wrap his childhood, you're going to end up dealing with a lot more tumult than just some excitable kids on a playdate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it sounds like the kids were unruly and not the most well-behaved, and yes, it sounds like they overstayed their welcome. Despite that, yes, OP is overreacting.

I think there are several things here that would help OP have more pleasant playdates in the future.

1. Sounds like there is a considerable age/temperament difference between these children (at almost six, wild)) and OP's child (not yet 5, calm). Maybe you should be more discerning and make sure you know that your child and the other children are more similar in demeanor and age. It also sounds like you might do better with only one child over at a time.

2. Sounds like you should have playdates for a set time, as PPs have suggested, and this should not be during a mealtime.

3. Sounds like you should only invite over children if you know the parents better, or only have playdates if the children are dropped off, or meet in a neutral location so that you can leave when you are ready. (I'm sorry, but the dad stopping by thing might be slightly unusual, but it is not nearly the weirdo weasely behavior you suggest. Are they neighbors? It's especially not weird if they live relatively close by.)

4. Sounds like you need to be firmer with both the parents and the children about boundaries. No parent should be offended if you ask, "Hey, can you help me get them out of our bedroom? There are breakables/valuables/whatever in there and I don't want them to get hurt." It is rude for children to barge into rooms with closed doors, true, but they are just kids.

5. If you do have children over for a meal, for goodness sake, be glad that they eat. Grabbing food off of other people's plates is rude, but if they were starving and your child wasn't eating his, it's not that hard to figure out why they might do that. You could also say, "Oh, I don't think Bobby is done yet. Your nuggets will be ready in a minute. Want some crackers until they're done?" Not that hard.

OP here: I agree about the appetite variances between kids. DC doesn't eat alot. He will eat more when he has growth spurts but he's not a very big kid and his appetite has always been on the small side. That was my appetite and my husbands appetite growing up so that's just genetics. Some kids do eat alot though. So I have to recognize that and expect it when I have playdates over. But I have def. learned not to do lunch playdates anymore. Too much of a headache for me. When I realized how bad the situation was, I should have taken better control over the situation - made sure they did not enter those closed rooms, when nuggets were finished, encouraged them to eat the fruit and veggies and pasta that were still on the table, when they snatched toys repeatedly from DCs hands, told them if DC didn't, "Sorry DC wasn't done playing with that...will give it to you in 5 minutes" and grabbed it back. And when husband showed up and thought he could hang out at my house I should have said, "Sorry we have to be somewhere in 30 minutes. Have an appt to go to." My mistake. I was expecting manners to kick in at some point during those three hours from their end though. LOL

DC was def. eating from his plate and not done... but he eats slowly while they were stuffing three chicken nuggets in their mouth at one time. LOL My son covered his plate and protested too. There was fruit and veggies and the pasta still left on the table. No need for me to offer crackers when there's already more food on the table. They just wanted the nuggets and could not wait 12 minutes for them.

You are right, I need to be more firm when I have playdates like this over. But one person said something which was true - I realize that our kids don't have the same personalities as I thought they did. DC is laid back, low key. Those kids are not. DC gets along with all kids, but doesn't like aggression. These kids were aggressive at times. But you know it is sooo hard finding boys this age that are laid back and nonaggressive. Are there many? I found only two since DC started playdates which was 2 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ok I'm not going to answer questions like, "Do you even like children?" It's just ridiculous.

That dad was a stranger to me - because I have yet to develop a friendship with this mom even. I will add that mom asked him why he lingered inside the house also. Both her kids got hyped up again and ran outside to play while DC was too tired so stayed inside with me. So then mom asked her husband, "Why are you in here while the kids are alone outside? Why don't you go outside and watch them?" He said, "Ohhh, they're fine, don't worry" and then tried to participate in our conversation about just woman stuff. It was so strange.

I had a mom from DC's preschool invite us over to her house last week for lunch. I wouldn't say she's my friend yet, but we talk when we see each other at DC's school and I think she's a nice person and our kids are the same age . I can't imagine my husband stopping by at her house while we were already there for 3 hours and then hanging out there for 30 minutes. She's never seen my husband, doesn't know anything about him. It just seems very weird.

My guestroom doors were closed to say they were 'off-limits' to everybody. I also told them to stay out of those rooms. Yes, I should have been much more firm with these playdates but isn't there some responsibility on the mom and her own kids to behave?

They didn't ask for nuggets they most certainly whined. The nuggets disappeared quickly so they got upset about the possibility that they might not have any more and, yes, they whined for more. I had to quickly bake more. Remember, I had nuggets, veggies, fruit, and pasta (which was for mom and me but the kids ate that too). It was a full lunch. When their nuggets were done and while more were baking, they proceeded to try to take food off DC's plate. Is that normal too for 6 year old's? DC is a little less than 5 and he has never taken food off anyone's plate, even if it was a piece of chocolate cake, which DC loves.

I wasn't really expecting an answer to my "do you even like children?" question... and it's not ridicuolus at all. some people who have children don't(except their own, of course.).You seem to find it difficult being around children other than your own if you think every child who comes over behaves poorly and is a huge pain to feed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously OP, getting outraged that the kids ate more than your allotted 4 chicken nuggets per child is insane. As is hiding away your own child's toys that are "too expensive or too fragile" for kids to play with. What exactly is the point of those toys then? Lots of kids get a little crazy around playdates; not ideal from anyone's perspective, but hardly the stuff of such righteous indignation. I can't imagine what your own child's personality is like that all this comes as such as shock to you, but unless you plan to bubble wrap his childhood, you're going to end up dealing with a lot more tumult than just some excitable kids on a playdate.

Oh come on. My son has some montessori toys (they can be expensive) and he has some instruments that are his "toys" but nonetheless real musical insruments such as a harp and a drum set. He is also into art and has some pottery pieces so I put away his pottery so the kids would not break them. But even when he uses the musical instruments we are there to watch him so he won't break them. These were gifts from my husband and I and his grandparents. Why must I allow other kids access to every expensive toy my son has? Thats ridiculous. Trust me, they had plenty of toys to play with - tinker toys, car racing set, a lincoln logs set, art supplies, many puzzles, a kids computer, toy telescope, board games, construction sets, walkie talkie set, etc...they had enough to keep themselves busy. They don't get automatic access to everything in my home. Give me a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it sounds like the kids were unruly and not the most well-behaved, and yes, it sounds like they overstayed their welcome. Despite that, yes, OP is overreacting.

I think there are several things here that would help OP have more pleasant playdates in the future.

1. Sounds like there is a considerable age/temperament difference between these children (at almost six, wild)) and OP's child (not yet 5, calm). Maybe you should be more discerning and make sure you know that your child and the other children are more similar in demeanor and age. It also sounds like you might do better with only one child over at a time.

2. Sounds like you should have playdates for a set time, as PPs have suggested, and this should not be during a mealtime.

3. Sounds like you should only invite over children if you know the parents better, or only have playdates if the children are dropped off, or meet in a neutral location so that you can leave when you are ready. (I'm sorry, but the dad stopping by thing might be slightly unusual, but it is not nearly the weirdo weasely behavior you suggest. Are they neighbors? It's especially not weird if they live relatively close by.)

4. Sounds like you need to be firmer with both the parents and the children about boundaries. No parent should be offended if you ask, "Hey, can you help me get them out of our bedroom? There are breakables/valuables/whatever in there and I don't want them to get hurt." It is rude for children to barge into rooms with closed doors, true, but they are just kids.

5. If you do have children over for a meal, for goodness sake, be glad that they eat. Grabbing food off of other people's plates is rude, but if they were starving and your child wasn't eating his, it's not that hard to figure out why they might do that. You could also say, "Oh, I don't think Bobby is done yet. Your nuggets will be ready in a minute. Want some crackers until they're done?" Not that hard.

OP here: I agree about the appetite variances between kids. DC doesn't eat alot. He will eat more when he has growth spurts but he's not a very big kid and his appetite has always been on the small side. That was my appetite and my husbands appetite growing up so that's just genetics. Some kids do eat alot though. So I have to recognize that and expect it when I have playdates over. But I have def. learned not to do lunch playdates anymore. Too much of a headache for me. When I realized how bad the situation was, I should have taken better control over the situation - made sure they did not enter those closed rooms, when nuggets were finished, encouraged them to eat the fruit and veggies and pasta that were still on the table, when they snatched toys repeatedly from DCs hands, told them if DC didn't, "Sorry DC wasn't done playing with that...will give it to you in 5 minutes" and grabbed it back. And when husband showed up and thought he could hang out at my house I should have said, "Sorry we have to be somewhere in 30 minutes. Have an appt to go to." My mistake. I was expecting manners to kick in at some point during those three hours from their end though. LOL

DC was def. eating from his plate and not done... but he eats slowly while they were stuffing three chicken nuggets in their mouth at one time. LOL My son covered his plate and protested too. There was fruit and veggies and the pasta still left on the table. No need for me to offer crackers when there's already more food on the table. They just wanted the nuggets and could not wait 12 minutes for them.

You are right, I need to be more firm when I have playdates like this over. But one person said something which was true - I realize that our kids don't have the same personalities as I thought they did. DC is laid back, low key. Those kids are not. DC gets along with all kids, but doesn't like aggression. These kids were aggressive at times. But you know it is sooo hard finding boys this age that are laid back and nonaggressive. Are there many? I found only two since DC started playdates which was 2 years ago.

My DS is very laid back and nonaggressive - but he eats A LOT!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Both her kids got hyped up again and ran outside to play while DC was too tired so stayed inside with me.

Maybe your kid wouldn't be so tired if he wasn't afraid to ask for more than 3 nuggets. Poor thing needs some food.

This is the first time I have laughed out loud from this site - thanks for the laugh!

[Anonymous]

OP, if there are 2 kids who you and your son enjoy having playdates with why don't you just have playdates with those 2 kids? At least for the ones at your house.

[Anonymous]

My only question is where did you find these people to invite them over in the first place? School? Or church? New neighbors? Are you going to come in contact with them again?

And were they twins or brothers? That might tell you a lot about their personality, if they are active twin boys.

The parents sound to me like maybe they are new to the area and are very lonely. They must have liked you a lot to want to camp out for 4 hours in your house, even the Dad! Maybe they were trying to be friendly but didn't read your cues at all about time limits, etc.

I would use this as a learning experience to not invite people over to your home until you have a good comfort level with them first. After maybe a playdate in a neutral location or having observed them at school, etc.

And, to also learn that some kids have much healthier appetite, at least for nuggets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yes, I think that some people just shouldn't host play dates at all. You have to be gracious if you want to be a hostess.

I agree with this. I'm one of those people. I do manage to be mostly gracious, in that I keep making food when my first 3 offerings are rejected by the visiting kid. Or I pull out closet toys when the visiting kid tells me she doesn't "like any of Susie's toys." In other words, even the most ill-behaved guests get my best effort for those two hours! They don't know any differently.

But I'm sick of my house being trashed. I'm sick of spoiled kids. I'm sick of being asked to wipe the foreign butt of a 5.5 year old kid who has to poop while at my house.

It's just easier to enroll DC in a mellow dance or soccer class a few times a week, or head to the park.

You're annoyed with some poor kid having to relieve himself at your house?

General comment: even if you didn't plan for lunch, have food. Food is the number one important thing for a playdate. Not carrots, either. Something kids are pretty much guaranteed to like, such as cheese sticks or chicken nuggets. Don't be a cheeseball about the food. If you want to be a cheeseball, don't invite people to your house.

[Anonymous]

i'm still trying to figure out what the dad was trying to "weasel."

this thread makes me sad for kids because it seems like some adults in their lives are so intolerant. kids develop at different paces. they have different needs and abilties and temperaments. let's try not to be annoyed by them and instead, be nururing and helpful and understanding and patient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously OP, getting outraged that the kids ate more than your allotted 4 chicken nuggets per child is insane. As is hiding away your own child's toys that are "too expensive or too fragile" for kids to play with. What exactly is the point of those toys then? Lots of kids get a little crazy around playdates; not ideal from anyone's perspective, but hardly the stuff of such righteous indignation. I can't imagine what your own child's personality is like that all this comes as such as shock to you, but unless you plan to bubble wrap his childhood, you're going to end up dealing with a lot more tumult than just some excitable kids on a playdate.

Oh come on. My son has some montessori toys (they can be expensive) and he has some instruments that are his "toys" but nonetheless real musical insruments such as a harp and a drum set. He is also into art and has some pottery pieces so I put away his pottery so the kids would not break them. But even when he uses the musical instruments we are there to watch him so he won't break them. These were gifts from my husband and I and his grandparents. Why must I allow other kids access to every expensive toy my son has? Thats ridiculous. Trust me, they had plenty of toys to play with - tinker toys, car racing set, a lincoln logs set, art supplies, many puzzles, a kids computer, toy telescope, board games, construction sets, walkie talkie set, etc...they had enough to keep themselves busy. They don't get automatic access to everything in my home. Give me a break.

OP, new poster to this thread here, and I completely agree with you about putting the more expensive and fragile toys away. That is exactly what I do. And if there are a few toys that are really precious to DC that DC may not want to share, they get put away too. Of course DC has to share toys and play nicely, but that doesn't mean that the other kids get to run roughshod over everything, and it doesn't mean they get a claim on absolutely everything in the house, including every last one of DC's toys. If you put those few toys away ahead of time, the visiting children will never know they were there in the first place, and of course all the kids will still have plenty of toys to play with and share. Seriously, I don't know what the PP who took offense at your putting away a few toys ahead of time is getting so worked up about.

There are a couple of kids my DC is friends with who are not a great personality match, at least in the in-home playdate setting. With those kids I try very hard to see if we can get together in a neutral setting, such as a park or library. When we do the neutral setting thing, everyone - including the kids - seem to have a better time.

Since our DC got to the playdate age, we've had some crazy ones too, so my sympathies!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually agree with the OP. If I don't know the people (this is a first playdate), I would hope that the attending parent feed there kid ahead of time and bring snacks for the kid (unless I specifically state this is a lunch). Staying over 2 hours is a big no-no and letting kids run around into private rooms without the parents stepping in is also a big no-no. The dad and daughter popping in at the end is strange to me. Until I know you better, please be on your best behavior! I know kids will be kids, but at least pretend to care that they are about to damage something or do something bad. The chicken mcnugget thing is no big deal.
FWIW,
I have stopped hosting at my house because I was tired of cleaning up huge messes! I always offer to help clean when I am invited to someone else's house!

You stopped hosting all play dates??? Because you don't like cleaning up?

Wow. I'm surprised you even have anyone inviting your child over to their houses.

Yes, I did. I was tired of cleaning up Legos and balls and puzzle pieces from under the couch and chairs. I always had to clean so I could run the vacuum to clean the cracker pieces from the floor. I sometimes I had to remove the cover from the couch to wash it. Sure, i expect accidents and clean-up, but I also would expect the attending mom to offer to clean!! Not once, after hosting probably a dozen playdates at my house, did a parent offer to help put things away.

I get invited to playdates often, but I always help put things away before I leave. And, I never let my daughter eat at someone else's house unless she is at the table. Not once have I had a parent tell me that it was all right if my kid snacked anywhere. I think they were secretly relieved that they didn't have to deal with pieces of food on the floor and furniture.

[Anonymous]

i'm still trying to figure out what the dad was trying to "weasel."

He probably wanted some chicken nuggets, too.