Weird Playdates - am I overreacting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is 873 words here. I'm not saying this is always true, but it's my opinion (as an only child myself) that parents of only kids need to work double time to increase their kids' comfort zones in social situations. Sounds like you've raised a sensitive, polite, reserved and perhaps introverted child. Most kids, however, are not like this. He will run into boisterous and aggressive kids for the rest of his life. It's up to you to prepare him for this and to help him deal with it. It's a fine line between teaching your child to be a little asshole and teaching him to how to be assertive (or if nothing else, how to cope when he's overwhelmed by wilder children).

I am NOT trying to be mean, by the way, or suggest that you're not being a good parent. I'm just saying I think that even in these bad playdates, there's an opportunity here for you, even if it's a pain in the ass, to teach him coping skills. If your son sees you struggling to enforce order with unruly kids, he'll feel less secure himself and he won't likely learn how to be assertive when he needs to be. So even if you don't feel "in charge," just be in charge anyway. You're an adult, they're kids, it's your house, and DC is watching, right? If you step out of your own comfort zone and work harder at establishing some boundaries (the important ones), you can be more relaxed when wild kids come over, and hopefully your kid will relax some too and enjoy all sorts of other kids. It's no fun being an uptight or nervous kid... Trust me, I have been there.

How so? As an only, I've always been very social. My parents never made any effort to "socialize" me.

Exactly what, out of my two paragraphs, are you referring to with your "how so?" I doubt very highly that your parents made no efforts to socialize you, btw. Get real. You never went to preschool or had friends?

Get real? I am very real.

Yes, I attended preschool. Didn't most of us? My good friend who had 7 siblings was in my class.

And yes, I had friends that I made myself. My mother never inserted herself into my business even as a young child.

Don't perpetuate the stereotype that only children are anti-social.

Singleton Sister, you STILL need some socialization.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is 873 words here. I'm not saying this is always true, but it's my opinion (as an only child myself) that parents of only kids need to work double time to increase their kids' comfort zones in social situations. Sounds like you've raised a sensitive, polite, reserved and perhaps introverted child. Most kids, however, are not like this. He will run into boisterous and aggressive kids for the rest of his life. It's up to you to prepare him for this and to help him deal with it. It's a fine line between teaching your child to be a little asshole and teaching him to how to be assertive (or if nothing else, how to cope when he's overwhelmed by wilder children).

I am NOT trying to be mean, by the way, or suggest that you're not being a good parent. I'm just saying I think that even in these bad playdates, there's an opportunity here for you, even if it's a pain in the ass, to teach him coping skills. If your son sees you struggling to enforce order with unruly kids, he'll feel less secure himself and he won't likely learn how to be assertive when he needs to be. So even if you don't feel "in charge," just be in charge anyway. You're an adult, they're kids, it's your house, and DC is watching, right? If you step out of your own comfort zone and work harder at establishing some boundaries (the important ones), you can be more relaxed when wild kids come over, and hopefully your kid will relax some too and enjoy all sorts of other kids. It's no fun being an uptight or nervous kid... Trust me, I have been there.

New poster here. I agree with your post, 100 percent.

I am bewildered about why a mom would not be assertive enough to tell children that her bedroom is off limits to playing - but then spends the next three days fighting with strangers on DCUM - all about the same incident!

OP, your behavior is very passive-aggressive, and it will rub off on your child. Try to be generous with your food, be gracious to young children, yet tell them firmly when they have overstepped boundaries. (And by overstepping boundaries, I don't mean eating too many chicken fingers.) The world is filled with all kinds of people, and your child will encounter most of them - he doesn't need to think that his mother won't protect him, or that his mother resents giving his friends food, or that he's not supposed to share his favorite toys with his friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I don't know why it is so hard for me to be firm about other kids mistreating my home or DC. I feel angry inside especially when they treat DC badly. In thinking about all this and reading each and every post, I realized that I was angry at how DC was treated more than anything. DC readily shares his toys and he doesn't grab toys from other kids. He cares about other kids feelings too. He gets certain toys out in advance that he wants to share with the playdate that is coming over that day. Because they weren't nice to DC, it made their other more petty lack of manners all the more intolerant for me. And then it made dad's impromtu visit to my home unbearable.

Good for you for figuring out what was at the root of your annoyance.

The next step is to figure out whether it actually bothered your DC. My DC was a very passive little boy - more verbal than physical, and if another kid grabbed a toy from him he would just switch to something else. It bothered me a lot, until I finally got that it really didn't bother him. He's just easy-going, and flexible - attributes that are, in many ways, virtues. And he liked the high energy kids who grabbed his toys.

By the way, he's still easy-going and flexible. But he also plays Lacrosse, because he "likes the hitting".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is 873 words here. I'm not saying this is always true, but it's my opinion (as an only child myself) that parents of only kids need to work double time to increase their kids' comfort zones in social situations. Sounds like you've raised a sensitive, polite, reserved and perhaps introverted child. Most kids, however, are not like this. He will run into boisterous and aggressive kids for the rest of his life. It's up to you to prepare him for this and to help him deal with it. It's a fine line between teaching your child to be a little asshole and teaching him to how to be assertive (or if nothing else, how to cope when he's overwhelmed by wilder children).

I am NOT trying to be mean, by the way, or suggest that you're not being a good parent. I'm just saying I think that even in these bad playdates, there's an opportunity here for you, even if it's a pain in the ass, to teach him coping skills. If your son sees you struggling to enforce order with unruly kids, he'll feel less secure himself and he won't likely learn how to be assertive when he needs to be. So even if you don't feel "in charge," just be in charge anyway. You're an adult, they're kids, it's your house, and DC is watching, right? If you step out of your own comfort zone and work harder at establishing some boundaries (the important ones), you can be more relaxed when wild kids come over, and hopefully your kid will relax some too and enjoy all sorts of other kids. It's no fun being an uptight or nervous kid... Trust me, I have been there.

How so? As an only, I've always been very social. My parents never made any effort to "socialize" me.

Exactly what, out of my two paragraphs, are you referring to with your "how so?" I doubt very highly that your parents made no efforts to socialize you, btw. Get real. You never went to preschool or had friends?

Get real? I am very real.

Yes, I attended preschool. Didn't most of us? My good friend who had 7 siblings was in my class.

And yes, I had friends that I made myself. My mother never inserted herself into my business even as a young child.

Don't perpetuate the stereotype that only children are anti-social.

Singleton Sister, you STILL need some socialization.

LOL! Easy tiger! Did you have a bad day today? I don't know why you're getting so upset. I'm not talking about you or your parents, I'm observing something from OP's post that struck a chord with me. I never said all only children are anti-social, I only said that parents of only children should work hard to make sure their kids get social skills. OP's child is intimidated by twins. Do you think it had anything to do with the fact that he's not used to a lot of different kinds of kids?

I think you're giving voice to your own securities here, so don't accuse me of laying down stereotypes when I'm just trying to give practical advice that applied to me, many others, and quite likely, will apply to this poster. Take your snippy message and toss it, and maybe you ought to tell your parents they were slacking after all! Your social skills are a disgrace online, anyway...

[Anonymous]

New poster here. I agree with your post, 100 percent.

I am bewildered about why a mom would not be assertive enough to tell children that her bedroom is off limits to playing - but then spends the next three days fighting with strangers on DCUM - all about the same incident!

OP, your behavior is very passive-aggressive, and it will rub off on your child. Try to be generous with your food, be gracious to young children, yet tell them firmly when they have overstepped boundaries. (And by overstepping boundaries, I don't mean eating too many chicken fingers.) The world is filled with all kinds of people, and your child will encounter most of them - he doesn't need to think that his mother won't protect him, or that his mother resents giving his friends food, or that he's not supposed to share his favorite toys with his friends.


Ok, you probably didn't read all the posts in this as it's 9+ pgs long but..I absolutely DID tell those boys not once, but twice, that those rooms were off limits. I told them. I told DS also that if he sees them going into those rooms, he must tell them not to or he must tell me. I told them all this in front of DS too. So I did tell them!! Hard to imagine, I know, and this is what infuriated me, but they were not listening to me. So it's not that I didn't tell them. But since they weren't listening to me what I should have done is brought the mom in to control her own kids.

Sorry, I don't see this as arguing, I see it as disagreeing and discussing through our different perspectives. And it has been helpful to me.

You are right that my DS will need to learn to handle all kinds of kids. I have stood up for DS when I see him upset. What I have a harder time doing is telling the mom to intervene. I always just expected mom to recognize the obvious on her own, but I know not all moms do. But I asked DS why he doesn't stand up for himself and he essentially said kids who were a little mean might be able to do other even more mean things like hitting or punching. So he thought their behavior so unusual and unpredictable that he just decided it was safer to keep his mouth shut. I think I need to be careful about who who his playdates are and if we should get a bad behaving playdate, just put my foot down. If they still behave badly, I will ask mom to intervene or ask them to leave. This experience was so bad that it really has jarred me. I will never put up with this kind of playdate again thats for sure.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm the one who asked about the twins and how you met someone, and also said that I thought the family was lonely.

First off, I think you are very open-minded and generous person to parse through some of these posts and still respond graciously. You seem very self-assured to be able to learn from all these different viewpoints without being defensive.

I also think you were really just letting off some steam. Ignoring the eponymous nuggets for a minute, what really bothered you was that these other kids (and really, parents) were not very cognizant of your feelings when you were trying your best to be gracious to them. I think you were a good hostess, you just were being so agreeable that you didn't want to step up and say anything to these kids because you thought the parents should do so.

I wonder if you share a little bit in the passiveness of your son? I too don't like to "rock the boat" and sometimes fume over people taking advantage of me, because I don't always say something at the time because I hate conflict. But its a good lesson for me to learn as a mom to be more assertive at that moment, because that will show my child a good example of sticking up for yourself in those circumstances.

I also think that the fact that these were TWINS makes a huge difference. They are active boys, used to competing with each other for everything, and probably behave this same way at home (snatching toys and food from each other). I think it would be a better situation for you to find a single friend for your son, probably from school, rather than "double trouble."

And I certainly am not begrudging all twins, but these two seem pretty active and maybe the lonely parents are just resigned to that fact. They may not have many friends at all if they are this overwhelming, so may not get to have lots of playdates to socialize themselves.

Good luck, OP, and hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Well thats what I'm afraid of - that DS has a bit of my passiveness. As a kid I avoided conflict like he now does. I will definitely make a concerted effort to stand up to set a good example though. What will motivate me is that I want Ds to be able to stand up for himself when necessary.

I was definitely venting too though. I'm just so tired of dealing with rude kids and moms that are inconsiderate. I feel badly that this family is so lonely. Mom tells me they never have dinner parties, their kids don't usually go to other homes much for playdates, dad has no friends. But I have to consider my own sanity and DS's comfort level first.

Thanks for the good advice.