Guy I'm seeing made a joke about raping me and doesn't think it's a problem

[Anonymous]

I think he was being passive aggressive and telling you he didn't like how drunk you got by using a reference he knew would get your attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your boyfriend was insensitive. Whether I'd leave him for that comment would depend on whether this was a pattern of insensitivity or a one-time thing, and whether BF seemed to "get it" when I called him out on his comment.

we're not an official Couple. That bothers me too, but I feel like he's not there yet or may never be. That's another story

Then that makes it a no-brainer. End it.

[Anonymous]

DTMFA

Why are you even thinking about it?

[Anonymous]

Dump and run. Good thing you found out what he's like before you got too invested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he was clumsily trying to demonstrate what a "good guy" he was by not raping you. It came out very awkward, but I wouldn't assume that he is dangerous. It strikes me as a guy who is trying to score brownie points, and ending up sounding a bit douchey.

I have a feeling that OP is young, and is under the influence of the Rape Culture polemicism that is currently raging across college campuses and various link bait sites (Huff Po, Jezebel, etc.) which have largely replaced calm, rational discussions about sexual assult and consent with something that resembles a popular moral panic. As a result, she is probably feeling more threatened by his comment than she should be.

At the end of the day, though, if he makes you feel uncomfortable, leave.

Reread that. He hopes for brownie points for not raping her?

What a world we live in.

You're right, rape culture is just a figment dreamed up by a bunch of hysterical college chix.

Holy crap. I'm the person who wrote this and I thought it would be incredibly clear that I was being sarcastic and am in fact horrified that some dude would think he had earned a pat on the head for the stunning feat of not being a rapist.

Sad that it's plausible that someone would actually non-sarcastically think this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he was clumsily trying to demonstrate what a "good guy" he was by not raping you. It came out very awkward, but I wouldn't assume that he is dangerous. It strikes me as a guy who is trying to score brownie points, and ending up sounding a bit douchey.

I have a feeling that OP is young, and is under the influence of the Rape Culture polemicism that is currently raging across college campuses and various link bait sites (Huff Po, Jezebel, etc.) which have largely replaced calm, rational discussions about sexual assult and consent with something that resembles a popular moral panic. As a result, she is probably feeling more threatened by his comment than she should be.

At the end of the day, though, if he makes you feel uncomfortable, leave.

Reread that. He hopes for brownie points for not raping her?

What a world we live in.

You're right, rape culture is just a figment dreamed up by a bunch of hysterical college chix.

Holy crap. I'm the person who wrote this and I thought it would be incredibly clear that I was being sarcastic and am in fact horrified that some dude would think he had earned a pat on the head for the stunning feat of not being a rapist.

Sad that it's plausible that someone would actually non-sarcastically think this.

I also missed the purported sarcasm, PP. Could you point us toward a word or line that would clue us in to your actual beliefs?

Glad to hear it, nonetheless.

[Anonymous]

I think your guy was being tongue~in~cheek and I have to admit, his humor was very misplaced, but I think that sometimes people can be clueless about certain issues that they joke about (Ask Jason Biggs that today about the Malaysian Jetliner joke.)

If I were you, I would talk to him + let him know that you didn't find the joke humorous at all and that it cut deep as both a woman AND a victim of sexual abuse. Let him know how hurt you feel and see how he reacts.

If he honestly is sincere and very sorry for what he said, I would accept his apology. People say dumb things at times like I said, and he obviously stuck his foot in his mouth.

If he shrugs it off like you are overreacting, then he is trash and I would put him where I put my trash every week. Right by the curb.

[Anonymous]

I read this differently. I think the guy was telling you that you were so out of control that you could have been raped.

Knowing the fact that you were sexually abused he may have expected for you to be more aware of dangerous situations and not lose control of your senses.

IMO, the issue you need to focus is not if this guy is a BF material or not, but rather do you need some therapy to deal with the abuse as well as your drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read this differently. I think the guy was telling you that you were so out of control that you could have been raped.

Knowing the fact that you were sexually abused he may have expected for you to be more aware of dangerous situations and not lose control of your senses.

IMO, the issue you need to focus is not if this guy is a BF material or not, but rather do you need some therapy to deal with the abuse as well as your drinking.

+1 The fact that OP never felt unsafe around him, and he didn't manipulate her means he is not the type to rape. If I were in this guy's shoe, and coming from one who got involved with a victim of a sexual abuse, I would take it as a red flag that OP has not completely healed from that scar. So I would break it off and give OP time to get help. I understand how sensitive this is for you OP but you are unfairly and passively putting this guy in a position to feel responsible for something that he didn't and would not do! This is not a red flag. So sorry you got hurt but you should also get help fast before you destroy future relationships or your chances of finding someone who you feel safe with and not know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why were you too drunk to have sex? I don't understand.

If you had just met him I would get it, but I think it's totally fine to have drunk sex with boyfriends or husbands! IMO it's the best...

I had 3 drinks. So I was dizzy and out of it.

But ready to bang? What kind of woman does this?

Say What? I will fuckthehelloutta my DH when i'm drunk. I might even let him stick it in my ass.

I think the OP need psychological help for her past trauma. The statement would not have given me pause, but I've never bee raped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you were raped before, and physically abused. You're sleeping with someone now but not in a committed relationship. You were so drunk that you were unable to have sex, but you were trying (with the guy you sleep with but can't call boyfriend). That guy made a joke about raping you, despite knowing your history. You're in an online forum wondering what to do.

Walk away from this guy and go find yourself a skilled therapist. You have some work to do on yourself so that you value yourself more.

The guy isn't the issue, he's just a symptom of what you really need to address.

Good luck.

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why were you too drunk to have sex? I don't understand.

If you had just met him I would get it, but I think it's totally fine to have drunk sex with boyfriends or husbands! IMO it's the best...

I had 3 drinks. So I was dizzy and out of it.

But ready to bang? What kind of woman does this?

Say What? I will fuckthehelloutta my DH when i'm drunk. I might even let him stick it in my ass.

I think the OP need psychological help for her past trauma. The statement would not have given me pause, but I've never bee raped.

You sound charming

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Umm you are an idiot, he didn't have sex with you and was letting you know why.

He thinks rape jokes are funny. She was abused as a child. He doesn't have the slightest bid of empathy as to why she is upset.

Lack of empathy is a good reason to dump someone.

Dump him.

She was not abused as a child, she was abused as an adult in college. I'd venture to guess she'd had too much to drink that time too.

Quit drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Umm you are an idiot, he didn't have sex with you and was letting you know why.

He thinks rape jokes are funny. She was abused as a child. He doesn't have the slightest bid of empathy as to why she is upset.

Lack of empathy is a good reason to dump someone.

Dump him.

She was not abused as a child, she was abused as an adult in college. I'd venture to guess she'd had too much to drink that time too.

Quit drinking.

Actually, I wasn't drinking at the time unlike most people I didn't have my first drink until the age of 21.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read this differently. I think the guy was telling you that you were so out of control that you could have been raped.

Knowing the fact that you were sexually abused he may have expected for you to be more aware of dangerous situations and not lose control of your senses.

IMO, the issue you need to focus is not if this guy is a BF material or not, but rather do you need some therapy to deal with the abuse as well as your drinking.

+1 The fact that OP never felt unsafe around him, and he didn't manipulate her means he is not the type to rape. If I were in this guy's shoe, and coming from one who got involved with a victim of a sexual abuse, I would take it as a red flag that OP has not completely healed from that scar. So I would break it off and give OP time to get help. I understand how sensitive this is for you OP but you are unfairly and passively putting this guy in a position to feel responsible for something that he didn't and would not do! This is not a red flag. So sorry you got hurt but you should also get help fast before you destroy future relationships or your chances of finding someone who you feel safe with and not know it.

+1