Guy I'm seeing made a joke about raping me and doesn't think it's a problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In college, I had a g/f who wanted me to walk her somewhere in the dark so she didn't get raped. I told her that, statistically speaking, she was safer without me. Maybe that's why she dumped me.

Gee, ya think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been seeing a guy since December. We met in November, but due to the holiday season took some time to go on our first date. I recently had a birthday, so I've been celebrating a lot. One night I had too much to drink and couldn't have sex due to being too drunk. We talked about the next day and he said, I could have raped you and you wouldn't have remembered it. Then laughed. I'm so upset by this and he seems to not think it's a problem. He's also aware that I was sexually abused in college. He thinks it's a silly reason to break things off, but I'm starting to not see him as boyfriend material although we have similar beliefs on certain things and he's educated with a good career. I feel like he doesn't get me.

To me this is a deal-breaker. He doesn't pay attention to your feelings and experience and give those the consideration they (you) deserve.

His beliefs, education and career are irrelevant.

Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it was a stupid remark. I would at least ask him where it came from.

OP told him it bothered her and he dismissed her feelings. Huge red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In college, I had a g/f who wanted me to walk her somewhere in the dark so she didn't get raped. I told her that, statistically speaking, she was safer without me. Maybe that's why she dumped me.

That remark was creepy and threatening. I'd dump you, too.

Live and learn.

Yup. Totally didn't see it from that perspective. The idea of me raping anyone, let alone her, was so far-fetched to me, I saw it as funny because it was an outrageous way for me to ostensibly justify how lazy I was about not wanting to get off my ass and take a walk.

I think it's normal that young men don't understand how much of women's lives are spent planning on how to avoid getting raped. If you don't deal with it on a day to day basis, you don't get it until you get some more exposure Daily Show did a bit about a few weeks ago. It was really funny, but sad.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJHU9CLbqsw

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why were you too drunk to have sex? I don't understand.

If you had just met him I would get it, but I think it's totally fine to have drunk sex with boyfriends or husbands! IMO it's the best...

Sounds like she had bed spins. If you get too drunk, your equilibrium is disturbed. If you're drunk enough this can create the sensation that the bed is spinning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you were raped before, and physically abused. You're sleeping with someone now but not in a committed relationship. You were so drunk that you were unable to have sex, but you were trying (with the guy you sleep with but can't call boyfriend). That guy made a joke about raping you, despite knowing your history. You're in an online forum wondering what to do.

Walk away from this guy and go find yourself a skilled therapist. You have some work to do on yourself so that you value yourself more.

The guy isn't the issue, he's just a symptom of what you really need to address.

Good luck.

OP, read this post again and again.

Sorry, this is BS. It's not OP's fault that the guy she's dating turned out to be a jerk. There's nothing wrong with getting drunk. There's nothing wrong with getting drunk and having sex with the person you're dating. There's nothing wrong asking a question on an Internet forum about the guy you're dating.

OP isn't the one with a problem. The only "issue" that OP needs to work on is to dump this guy. OP's boyfriend should get himself to a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Is the rape joke enough to dump him? Maybe, maybe not. The bigger issue is that you clearly identified what made you uncomfortable, and he doesn't care. Done. Over. Why would you want to be with someone like this?

Trust your gut, OP. DTMFA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop drinking, girlfriend.

+1

Did he laugh nervously? IF he laughed nervously, then perhaps he just was trying to tell you that you need to stop drinking because you are putting yourself at risk. Either way, go with your gut. If you are no longer attracted to him, dump him.

Why are you putting yourself at risk by being drunk? Even if he didn't rape you, you are making yourself an easy target for someone else to rape you.
Stop doing stupid stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop drinking, girlfriend.

+1

Did he laugh nervously? IF he laughed nervously, then perhaps he just was trying to tell you that you need to stop drinking because you are putting yourself at risk. Either way, go with your gut. If you are no longer attracted to him, dump him.

Why are you putting yourself at risk by being drunk? Even if he didn't rape you, you are making yourself an easy target for someone else to rape you.
Stop doing stupid stuff.

OMG STOP.

Having 3 drinks with your boyfriend is not making yourself a target of any kind. Stop blaming victims and being an apologist for rapists.

[Anonymous]

Why is this even a question -.- You were abused once already, isn't that enough?! Seriously? Stay away from him and if you don't, don't complain later -.- Yeah I know this sounds incredibly rude, but it seems like you need some VERY honest and hars words to realize what the heck you are doing...

[Anonymous]

Do the guy a favor and break up w him.

[Anonymous]

I was also wondering if maybe he said this as a not-funny, but meant to be funny, way of telling you that he could have hurt you b/c you were not in a position to defend yourself. It was a really bad way to get that point across, but unless you had reason to believe he meant this in a violent way, that seems to be a possibility.

I totally agree with the aftermath, however. When you told him how it came across and that it bothered you, he did not explain himself and apologize. He has shown you how much/little he respects you, and how he will react to your feelings moving forward. On that, I would be upset and knowing what I know now, would not be inclined to pursue a relationship with him You mentioned other issues in terms of no commitment, so I think that says, break up.

I do not think having 3 drinks and attempting to have sex with a guy you are dating screams problem. Seems normal to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your boyfriend was insensitive. Whether I'd leave him for that comment would depend on whether this was a pattern of insensitivity or a one-time thing, and whether BF seemed to "get it" when I called him out on his comment.

we're not an official Couple. That bothers me too, but I feel like he's not there yet or may never be. That's another story

I know I'm old, but I don't get being with a guy for more than six months, sleeping with him, and yet you guys are "not an official couple". I'd dump him for that right there. Why is this okay with you?

[Anonymous]

Look at it this way OP. He cares enough about you to not take advantage of you and to point out to you when you put yourself in a dangerous situation. That's good, but he does not care enough about you to date you officially or to apologize when he says hurtful things. He is not a rapist, but he is using you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An ex of mine forced me to sleep with him or else he'd hit me (he did anyway)

like ...a spanking?