Guy I'm seeing made a joke about raping me and doesn't think it's a problem

[Anonymous]

It isn't even just the joke but the fact that he used the word "rape". He could have said "I could have taken advantage of you last night.." still not a great thing to say but to use a wrong as strong as rape is insane. Goodbye to this guy, PRONTO!

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he was clumsily trying to demonstrate what a "good guy" he was by not raping you. It came out very awkward, but I wouldn't assume that he is dangerous. It strikes me as a guy who is trying to score brownie points, and ending up sounding a bit douchey.

I have a feeling that OP is young, and is under the influence of the Rape Culture polemicism that is currently raging across college campuses and various link bait sites (Huff Po, Jezebel, etc.) which have largely replaced calm, rational discussions about sexual assult and consent with something that resembles a popular moral panic. As a result, she is probably feeling more threatened by his comment than she should be.

At the end of the day, though, if he makes you feel uncomfortable, leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently had a birthday, so I've been celebrating a lot. One night I had too much to drink and couldn't have sex due to being too drunk.

You need to address the drinking. Normal is celebrating one night. By your own admission, you were "celebrating a lot". If you celebrate so much that you self describe it as "a lot" and drink so much that you "wouldn't have remembered it" then you are drinking too much. You should not be drinking so much that you have difficulties remember the previous night more than once in a blue moon.

We talked about the next day and he said, I could have raped you and you wouldn't have remembered it. Then laughed. I'm so upset by this and he seems to not think it's a problem. He's also aware that I was sexually abused in college. He thinks it's a silly reason to break things off, but I'm starting to not see him as boyfriend material although we have similar beliefs on certain things and he's educated with a good career. I feel like he doesn't get me.

You know, I could have raped you and you wouldn't have remember it.
--Yes, and I could have gone all Lorena Bobbit on you and that would have just ruined our relationship if you couldn't perform anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he was clumsily trying to demonstrate what a "good guy" he was by not raping you. It came out very awkward, but I wouldn't assume that he is dangerous. It strikes me as a guy who is trying to score brownie points, and ending up sounding a bit douchey.

I have a feeling that OP is young, and is under the influence of the Rape Culture polemicism that is currently raging across college campuses and various link bait sites (Huff Po, Jezebel, etc.) which have largely replaced calm, rational discussions about sexual assult and consent with something that resembles a popular moral panic. As a result, she is probably feeling more threatened by his comment than she should be.

At the end of the day, though, if he makes you feel uncomfortable, leave.

Reread that. He hopes for brownie points for not raping her?

What a world we live in.

You're right, rape culture is just a figment dreamed up by a bunch of hysterical college chix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was also wondering if maybe he said this as a not-funny, but meant to be funny, way of telling you that he could have hurt you b/c you were not in a position to defend yourself. It was a really bad way to get that point across, but unless you had reason to believe he meant this in a violent way, that seems to be a possibility.

I totally agree with the aftermath, however. When you told him how it came across and that it bothered you, he did not explain himself and apologize. He has shown you how much/little he respects you, and how he will react to your feelings moving forward. On that, I would be upset and knowing what I know now, would not be inclined to pursue a relationship with him You mentioned other issues in terms of no commitment, so I think that says, break up.

I do not think having 3 drinks and attempting to have sex with a guy you are dating screams problem. Seems normal to me.

I totally agree with this. And this

id he laugh nervously? IF he laughed nervously, then perhaps he just was trying to tell you that you need to stop drinking because you are putting yourself at risk. Either way, go with your gut. If you are no longer attracted to him, dump him.

It really depends on how he said it (the context). I mean, if I was saying the next day

"OMG, I got so wasted last night. Sorry we didn't do it, but I was SO out of it. I don't even remember the night blah, blah blah" and he replies:

"Yeah, you need to be careful, I could have raped you last night and you wouldn't even have known it. Knowing your past, I'd be worried for you being unable to defend yourself."


That...to me...sounds like he's looking out for you instead of being a potential rapist or whatever everyone on here is freaking out about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Umm you are an idiot, he didn't have sex with you and was letting you know why.

...he thinks it's noteworthy that he's not a rapist? Um, gold star, I guess.

DTMFA.

+1

Put on your running shoes, OP. you need to maximize distance between you and this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I think it's totally fine to have drunk sex with boyfriends or husbands! IMO it's the best

The best? Really?
I find that a really sad assessment.

[Anonymous]

He was just kidding. He made a stupid statement relax

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he was clumsily trying to demonstrate what a "good guy" he was by not raping you. It came out very awkward, but I wouldn't assume that he is dangerous. It strikes me as a guy who is trying to score brownie points, and ending up sounding a bit douchey.

I have a feeling that OP is young, and is under the influence of the Rape Culture polemicism that is currently raging across college campuses and various link bait sites (Huff Po, Jezebel, etc.) which have largely replaced calm, rational discussions about sexual assult and consent with something that resembles a popular moral panic. As a result, she is probably feeling more threatened by his comment than she should be.

At the end of the day, though, if he makes you feel uncomfortable, leave.

Reread that. He hopes for brownie points for not raping her?

What a world we live in.

You're right, rape culture is just a figment dreamed up by a bunch of hysterical college chix.

That's literally the point. He was trying to earn brownie points for merely having a basic level of human decency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he was clumsily trying to demonstrate what a "good guy" he was by not raping you. It came out very awkward, but I wouldn't assume that he is dangerous. It strikes me as a guy who is trying to score brownie points, and ending up sounding a bit douchey.

I have a feeling that OP is young, and is under the influence of the Rape Culture polemicism that is currently raging across college campuses and various link bait sites (Huff Po, Jezebel, etc.) which have largely replaced calm, rational discussions about sexual assult and consent with something that resembles a popular moral panic. As a result, she is probably feeling more threatened by his comment than she should be.

At the end of the day, though, if he makes you feel uncomfortable, leave.

Reread that. He hopes for brownie points for not raping her?

What a world we live in.

You're right, rape culture is just a figment dreamed up by a bunch of hysterical college chix.

That's literally the point. He was trying to earn brownie points for merely having a basic level of human decency.

Not that basic if rape is as prevalent as I'm being told lately and if women have to spend much of every day formulating strategies for not getting raped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you were raped before, and physically abused. You're sleeping with someone now but not in a committed relationship. You were so drunk that you were unable to have sex, but you were trying (with the guy you sleep with but can't call boyfriend). That guy made a joke about raping you, despite knowing your history. You're in an online forum wondering what to do.

Walk away from this guy and go find yourself a skilled therapist. You have some work to do on yourself so that you value yourself more.

The guy isn't the issue, he's just a symptom of what you really need to address.

Good luck.

Please take this to heart.

I've been where you are. I've counseled people (professionally) in similar circumstances.

What you are struggling with is normal, and treatable. All of it. Please consider yourself worthy of getting some help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he was clumsily trying to demonstrate what a "good guy" he was by not raping you. It came out very awkward, but I wouldn't assume that he is dangerous. It strikes me as a guy who is trying to score brownie points, and ending up sounding a bit douchey.

I have a feeling that OP is young, and is under the influence of the Rape Culture polemicism that is currently raging across college campuses and various link bait sites (Huff Po, Jezebel, etc.) which have largely replaced calm, rational discussions about sexual assult and consent with something that resembles a popular moral panic. As a result, she is probably feeling more threatened by his comment than she should be.

At the end of the day, though, if he makes you feel uncomfortable, leave.

Reread that. He hopes for brownie points for not raping her?

What a world we live in.

You're right, rape culture is just a figment dreamed up by a bunch of hysterical college chix.

That's literally the point. He was trying to earn brownie points for merely having a basic level of human decency.

Not that basic if rape is as prevalent as I'm being told lately and if women have to spend much of every day formulating strategies for not getting raped.

Sorry, even though rape is statistically common, "not a rapist" is still a basic expectation of a decent human being. 1 in 5 women are raped while in college, but that doesn't necessarily mean that 1 in 5 college men are rapists; it's likely that a relatively small number of men are raping many different women.

But the numbers really aren't the point. Other than murder, rape is the worst thing you can do to another human being. To suggest that a woman should somehow feel fortunate that the man she's dating isn't a rapist is disgusting.

[Anonymous]

"we're not an official Couple. That bothers me too, but I feel like he's not there yet or may never be. That's another story."

So you've been fucking him for 6 months without a commitment, yet still expect him to be (overly) concerned about your feelings and become your "boyfriend?" How does that work? +3 for taking a break from men and getting yourself into therapy.

BTW, I'm a woman and can totally see him saying this in a way that wouldn't be weird or offense - completely depends on tone, etc.

[Anonymous]

It was a joke! Sheesh..women are so annoying sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Did not read all the posts. But my knee-jerk reaction is he is blaming your over-drinking for being abused earlier.