Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your niece's parents are wretched people. No way would Jesus approve.

Why can't she live with you? Do you live in a one bedroom with a kid already? Does she do drugs and do you have an impressionable preteen or teenager?

If not, I think you should let her live with you.

Well, just off the very top of my head, because she's been wild for the last three or four years and I don't know what kind of influence she's going to be on our impressionable young kids, and equally because DH and I planned our family size. We did not plan to have two more people join our family when we planned how many children we'd have, when we planned that I would stay home, etc.

This might be the most depressing thing I've read in months.

What if your brother had died and you got his kids? Would you be complaining about how you planned your family size or would you let them in? Life never goes as planned and you just have to suck it up and do what's best for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, it's illegal in most states to kick a minor out. Parents are obligated to support their children until they're 18.

Correct
And nobody but the mother can put the baby up for adoption.
Even with no supports. But once the baby is here the teen mom will have family support. Families just do not like to offer it during the pregnancy.

I know one person who had a baby at 15 and it all turned out OK

I think the teen in question would qualify for a lot of aid. So money is not a reason to give the baby up. Besides, God will provide, and God gave that baby to her

The singular of "data" is not "anecdote." One "success" story (and I'm skeptical of how you are defining success) doesn't make it a good idea.

Statistically, girls who have babies early are more likely to drop out of school and more likely to live in poverty. They are more likely to live in poverty for the rest of their lives. She will be eligible for welfare, SNAP and maybe a section 8 voucher, but that covers the bare minimums. It's not an easy path.

Plenty of people live in poverty all their lives. There is no upward mobility. She is homeless now, giving the baby up will not make her un-homeless. This will cause a disruption forhigh school no matter what she does.

[Anonymous]

What if your brother had died and you got his kids? Would you be complaining about how you planned your family size or would you let them in? Life never goes as planned and you just have to suck it up and do what's best for everyone.

Puh-lease. There's a huge difference between taking kids in when a parent has died and taking in your pregnant 15 yo niece. If you can't see that, you're even stupider than your post indicates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What if your brother had died and you got his kids? Would you be complaining about how you planned your family size or would you let them in? Life never goes as planned and you just have to suck it up and do what's best for everyone.

Puh-lease. There's a huge difference between taking kids in when a parent has died and taking in your pregnant 15 yo niece. If you can't see that, you're even stupider than your post indicates.

+1 This is taking on a problem that the parents and the niece really need to take on.

[Anonymous]

Since her parents are religious they probably didn't allow her to watch MTV. Sit down with her and have her watch a few episodes of "16 and Pregnant". Seriously, it will open your eyes and her eyes to how hard it is to have a child as a single teenage mom surrounded by drama. Encourage her to put the baby up for adoption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What if your brother had died and you got his kids? Would you be complaining about how you planned your family size or would you let them in? Life never goes as planned and you just have to suck it up and do what's best for everyone.

Puh-lease. There's a huge difference between taking kids in when a parent has died and taking in your pregnant 15 yo niece. If you can't see that, you're even stupider than your post indicates.

Yes, I get there is a difference. However, I'm just saying, that her biggest issue seems to be how she planned out her family to be the perfect family. Life never goes as planned. Her brother and his wife already put this girl out on the street and she must be scared.

If my niece came to me in the same situation I would gladly open up my heart and my home for her. No question about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What if your brother had died and you got his kids? Would you be complaining about how you planned your family size or would you let them in? Life never goes as planned and you just have to suck it up and do what's best for everyone.

Puh-lease. There's a huge difference between taking kids in when a parent has died and taking in your pregnant 15 yo niece. If you can't see that, you're even stupider than your post indicates.

Yes, I get there is a difference. However, I'm just saying, that her biggest issue seems to be how she planned out her family to be the perfect family. Life never goes as planned. Her brother and his wife already put this girl out on the street and she must be scared.

If my niece came to me in the same situation I would gladly open up my heart and my home for her. No question about it.

Op here. I just DID open my heart and home to her. That's why my husband took time away from work and his immediate family to spend more than five hours getting her here. That's why she is laying on the couch in my den right now. That's why in the last two days I have spent more than three hours on the phone with my brother and sister in law when that's the total amount of time we spent face to face in 2013.

We planned how many bedrooms we needed based on the number of kids we have. We had our kids at a specific point in our lives. We have a three bedroom small house. We don't really have a good space for a teenager. And her potential baby. We planned our family, financially. That's all I'm saying. It's one thing when you take in a child or two because their parents died, through no fault of their own. It's entirely another when a teenager goes wild and gets kicked out of her house while pregnant and asks to be taken in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What if your brother had died and you got his kids? Would you be complaining about how you planned your family size or would you let them in? Life never goes as planned and you just have to suck it up and do what's best for everyone.

Puh-lease. There's a huge difference between taking kids in when a parent has died and taking in your pregnant 15 yo niece. If you can't see that, you're even stupider than your post indicates.

Yes, I get there is a difference. However, I'm just saying, that her biggest issue seems to be how she planned out her family to be the perfect family. Life never goes as planned. Her brother and his wife already put this girl out on the street and she must be scared.

If my niece came to me in the same situation I would gladly open up my heart and my home for her. No question about it.

Op here. I just DID open my heart and home to her. That's why my husband took time away from work and his immediate family to spend more than five hours getting her here. That's why she is laying on the couch in my den right now. That's why in the last two days I have spent more than three hours on the phone with my brother and sister in law when that's the total amount of time we spent face to face in 2013.

We planned how many bedrooms we needed based on the number of kids we have. We had our kids at a specific point in our lives. We have a three bedroom small house. We don't really have a good space for a teenager. And her potential baby. We planned our family, financially. That's all I'm saying. It's one thing when you take in a child or two because their parents died, through no fault of their own. It's entirely another when a teenager goes wild and gets kicked out of her house while pregnant and asks to be taken in.

So why are you bothering now?

[Anonymous]

We planned how many bedrooms we needed based on the number of kids we have. We had our kids at a specific point in our lives. We have a three bedroom small house. We don't really have a good space for a teenager. And her potential baby. We planned our family, financially. That's all I'm saying. It's one thing when you take in a child or two because their parents died, through no fault of their own. It's entirely another when a teenager goes wild and gets kicked out of her house while pregnant and asks to be taken in.

Last sentence says it all. I think the PP who was raised (unhappily) by the teenage parents had the best advice. Just start asking your niece questions as she "thinks this through". Do not volunteer support and politely decline to provide it if asked.

"Can I live with you and have the baby?"
"Umm, no, honey. I already have kids to raise, and we don't have the space here to do that---this baby is your responsibility---so let's talk about what that means."

Then, "So how do you plan to support yourself? Oh---public assistance, huh? Well, let's sit down and do the math on that. Give her the stats for welfare, food stamps, section 8. Look at the rental ads so she can see the cost of housing. Ask her if she plans to continue school. When she says yes---show her the costs of childcare and ask how she is going to afford it.

When she says she'll get a job, ask what she thinks she is qualified to do at 15? If she says, "Starbucks", then show her how much a minimum wage barrista makes.
Just provide lots of data. Help her build a spreadsheet. Explain that if she wants to go to the movies she will need a sitter. Explain cost of sitter. Just be pleasant, and matter of fact, but do not volunteer to raise her child. And---depending upon the age of your own children---leave them with her for a good solid period of time and let her babysit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We planned how many bedrooms we needed based on the number of kids we have. We had our kids at a specific point in our lives. We have a three bedroom small house. We don't really have a good space for a teenager. And her potential baby. We planned our family, financially. That's all I'm saying. It's one thing when you take in a child or two because their parents died, through no fault of their own. It's entirely another when a teenager goes wild and gets kicked out of her house while pregnant and asks to be taken in.

Last sentence says it all. I think the PP who was raised (unhappily) by the teenage parents had the best advice. Just start asking your niece questions as she "thinks this through". Do not volunteer support and politely decline to provide it if asked.

"Can I live with you and have the baby?"
"Umm, no, honey. I already have kids to raise, and we don't have the space here to do that---this baby is your responsibility---so let's talk about what that means."

Then, "So how do you plan to support yourself? Oh---public assistance, huh? Well, let's sit down and do the math on that. Give her the stats for welfare, food stamps, section 8. Look at the rental ads so she can see the cost of housing. Ask her if she plans to continue school. When she says yes---show her the costs of childcare and ask how she is going to afford it.

When she says she'll get a job, ask what she thinks she is qualified to do at 15? If she says, "Starbucks", then show her how much a minimum wage barrista makes.
Just provide lots of data. Help her build a spreadsheet. Explain that if she wants to go to the movies she will need a sitter. Explain cost of sitter. Just be pleasant, and matter of fact, but do not volunteer to raise her child. And---depending upon the age of your own children---leave them with her for a good solid period of time and let her babysit.

This is the best advice I've seen so far. Undermining her brother's authority or enabling her niece's behavior is not going to help the situation. SInce the niece wanted to make adult decisions, she needs to face adult consequences.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think I would let the 15 year old live with me until she had the baby at least. She made a bad decision but if she gives the baby up for adoption, she will give a couple the gift of a lifetime. I wouldn't go for an open adoption either but she should write a letter to the family of her child for when the child is old enough to understand. If she does this, she can go back to a relatively normal life afterwards. It will be a life altering experience but the gift of a child through adoption would be an incredible adult gift.

[Anonymous]

It would be an incredibly adult gift for neice to make TO HER UNBORN CHILD. Keeping a baby when you are a wild 15 year old who is utterly unprepared emotionally or financially to actually be a competent parent is the height of selfishness---and expecting that the rest of your family should completely rearrange their own lives to accommodate and manage your irresponsible behavior is a close second on the selfish scale.
.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since her parents are religious they probably didn't allow her to watch MTV. Sit down with her and have her watch a few episodes of "16 and Pregnant". Seriously, it will open your eyes and her eyes to how hard it is to have a child as a single teenage mom surrounded by drama. Encourage her to put the baby up for adoption.

+100.

And please speak honestly with her about abortion, or take her to a counselor who can give her the facts. Chances are she has no facts about it from her parents beyond being told it's murder. Don't pressure her, but she needs ALL HER OPTIONS laid out, which includes termination. However, if she chooses that route I would also assume she'll need to stay with you until she's 18.

Also, when the pregnancy is over with, however it resolves, please inform her about birth control and how to use it properly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What if your brother had died and you got his kids? Would you be complaining about how you planned your family size or would you let them in? Life never goes as planned and you just have to suck it up and do what's best for everyone.

Puh-lease. There's a huge difference between taking kids in when a parent has died and taking in your pregnant 15 yo niece. If you can't see that, you're even stupider than your post indicates.

Yes, I get there is a difference. However, I'm just saying, that her biggest issue seems to be how she planned out her family to be the perfect family. Life never goes as planned. Her brother and his wife already put this girl out on the street and she must be scared.

If my niece came to me in the same situation I would gladly open up my heart and my home for her. No question about it.

Op here. I just DID open my heart and home to her. That's why my husband took time away from work and his immediate family to spend more than five hours getting her here. That's why she is laying on the couch in my den right now. That's why in the last two days I have spent more than three hours on the phone with my brother and sister in law when that's the total amount of time we spent face to face in 2013.

We planned how many bedrooms we needed based on the number of kids we have. We had our kids at a specific point in our lives. We have a three bedroom small house. We don't really have a good space for a teenager. And her potential baby. We planned our family, financially. That's all I'm saying. It's one thing when you take in a child or two because their parents died, through no fault of their own. It's entirely another when a teenager goes wild and gets kicked out of her house while pregnant and asks to be taken in.

I agree, bc then you are enabling the parents' poor behavior. But.....still, if she has nowhere else to go......really your best bet is to get her parents to take her back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What if your brother had died and you got his kids? Would you be complaining about how you planned your family size or would you let them in? Life never goes as planned and you just have to suck it up and do what's best for everyone.

Puh-lease. There's a huge difference between taking kids in when a parent has died and taking in your pregnant 15 yo niece. If you can't see that, you're even stupider than your post indicates.

Yes, I get there is a difference. However, I'm just saying, that her biggest issue seems to be how she planned out her family to be the perfect family. Life never goes as planned. Her brother and his wife already put this girl out on the street and she must be scared.

If my niece came to me in the same situation I would gladly open up my heart and my home for her. No question about it.

Op here. I just DID open my heart and home to her. That's why my husband took time away from work and his immediate family to spend more than five hours getting her here. That's why she is laying on the couch in my den right now. That's why in the last two days I have spent more than three hours on the phone with my brother and sister in law when that's the total amount of time we spent face to face in 2013.

We planned how many bedrooms we needed based on the number of kids we have. We had our kids at a specific point in our lives. We have a three bedroom small house. We don't really have a good space for a teenager. And her potential baby. We planned our family, financially. That's all I'm saying. It's one thing when you take in a child or two because their parents died, through no fault of their own. It's entirely another when a teenager goes wild and gets kicked out of her house while pregnant and asks to be taken in.

I think there are two issues here. One is your niece and the predicament that she is currently experiencing. The second is that you think that life goes on as planned.

1) It is great that you and your DH are able to provide immediate support for this child. She is lucky to have family willing to do so. If she was raised in very conservative Christian household- OF COURSE she will not look to have an abortion right away if at all. It would add to the guilt she already has. She is in crisis and needs help- not just yours but counselors who are experienced in dealing with teenage pregnancies of all shapes and sizes. They can counsel her and allow her to make the decisions she needs to make. They are also aware of the various programs available to a teenager.

2) Life does not go as planned. Let me say it again, life does not go as planned . You are very lucky to have lived so long and not learned that lesson. To keep replying "but we only planned for X number of children spaced exactly x months apart and bought our house for that exact number of children with the perfect number of bedrooms" sounds whiney, entitled, and very naive. It is a slap in the face of most of the rest of the population who did not get the number of children for which they planned, did not get the spacing, did not get the very best perfectly sized house for the exactly perfectly spaced perfectly planned number of children and/or have children who have any number of special needs for which one parent has had to severely curtail/leave their career, or............... Plus, I cannot tell you of anyone I know that plans for a niece to become pregnant at 15 and arrive on her doorstep. So, step back, count your numerous blessings, put on your big girl panties and continue to help this poor girl figure it out. You have a chance to give back some of the excellent luck you have received in your life thus far.