What do you think about letting 17 yr old hang out alone in his room with his girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:talk to them both, immediately, and tell them how you really feel. Before then, decide for yourself because you sound unsure of your decision, OP, and they are still kids who clearly still need some adult guidance. don't rush into grandpa renting.

Grandpa renting.

I agree -- OP, you need to decide what you think. Are you ok with them having PIV sex in your house? If not, are you willing to tell your son that it is ok for him to fool around with his girlfriend in your house but not to put his penis in her vagina, and will you trust him to not do it?

If the answer to any of these questions is no, then you should not permit your 17-year-old son to hang out alone in his room with his girlfriend, with the door closed.

No. The actual question is are you willing to let them have sex and give/receive oral sex in your house, and are you willing to share that information with the girl's parents so they can also make an informed decision about their minor child.

If is not yes to all of that then OP has no business allowing them to do what they are doing under her supervision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would advise you to remember that anyone and everyone comes onto DCUM now. Just because some poster claims to be a parent of a child the same age as yours proves nothing. Also, that parent could in fact make very bad parenting choices and give you very bad advice.

Frankly, 17 is not the age for a committed relationship by any definition. Your kid is just that: a kid who needs guidance from you. Steer your kid in the direction that will get a good college placement child free.

The girlfriend is temporary. Even if they (Gawd forbid) married some day, your focus is now. Make sure you get better advice from family and friends than you will ever get on a wide open forum like DCUM because the last thing your son needs is a child of his own at his age.

Remember: condoms break and kids are impulsive and plagued by inexperience and bad judgment.

Consider the future.

I'm the PP you seem to be referring to and I absolutely have a 17 year-old DD. And there's nothing wrong with my parenting choices, even if you disagree. I do not expect my DD's relationship to last forever, or even when they go to college. But then again I don't expect her to marry the first person she sleeps with. By "committed relationship" I do not mean forever. I mean loving, exclusive, trusting. I had a relationship like that when I was 18 and I don't see 17 as really that different. I think a 17 is absolutely capable of love and commitment. Having sex within such a relationship is good judgment, not bad.

There is this obsession with pregnancy and I agree that you need to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. But that happens when you educate your DC about condoms, not from closing your eyes and hoping that since you've banned them from being alone in the house, they won't have sex. Seriously, what is your goal? To keep your DC safe, to prevent STDs and pregnancies. Thats my goal as well.

Lets play this posters' scenario out. Your DS is in love with someone his age. You tell him he cannot be alone in his room with his girlfriend, with the door closed. Furthermore, you tell him he cannot have sex. Do you expect him to say "you're right, mom. I won't have sex." Do you really? This is what will actually happen -- your DS will just avoid being in your house with his girlfriend. Maybe they'll spend their time at her house. Fine. (But having your DS and girlfriend around is a good thing. You get to know her. She joins your family for dinner. You talk. or you can let that all happen at her house and you can barely see them.) Maybe they'll have sex whenever they have the opportunity, in cars, someone's bedroom during a party, in the woods during a dance. If their goal is to grab those opportunities, and those opportunities are a rare resource, do you really think they'll resist if they don't have a condom?

And those of you who take that approach, have you ever had a genuine conversation with your child about sex? I don't mean a lecture, I mean an actual discussion in which they share their thoughts as well, and ask questions. Because if the only way is your way, what is there to discuss?

OK, for the sake of argument, let's say you are who you claim to be (though frankly, I just don't believe you). Here's my question to you: what will you do when the condom breaks or slips off? Read other threads on this forum and you'll find dozens of stories like that, especially on the "How many times have you been pregnant" thread. Guess what? Almost all the respondents were high school or college aged? How many were men? Zero, save for a few DHs.

Here's the truth: no matter how compelled you feel to defend your position (which is what you are doing now), lots of us find it very easy to poke holes in it. You're trying too desperately to ascribe maturity to your DD, to feign sophistication that sex is inevitable and therefore that you are more mature or urbane than those of us who'd rather keep sex out our kids bedrooms while teens.

I for one want my kids to go to college child free. I honestly don't consider a high school girlfriend to count as a committed relationship. A committed relationship is the guy who's there when your mom's going through cancer or when your brother's sent on a mission in the Persian Gulf, not the guy who takes you to prom. Let OP's son use his room for SAT and AP prep, not condom practice. Let his girlfriend take naps at home. Guess what? My kid will get to MIT before yours.

But, hey, whatever helps you sleep at night. You're the one who feels the need to prove herself.

[Anonymous]

Unless you expect you DC to remain a virgin until married, the "what if the condom breaks" issue doesn't go away when they turn 18. I don't want my DC to get pregnant in college, either. Given that goal, what is the best way to achieve it?

The MIT jab is hysterical. DD is at the top of her class and had phenomenal SATs. I have no doubt about her ability to get into a fantastic college (though she has no interest in MIT, so you are right that your kid will get in there before mine). Kids who have sex get into all sorts of top schools. But the college doesn't matter. If my child were a student with lower grades, I would still not want her to get pregnant.

[Anonymous]

My DD is in elementary school, so I don't have skin in this game yet. I lost my virginity when I was 16. At my boyfriend's house. His parents weren't home. If they'd been home, there is NO WAY we would have had sex. None. Zero. Door open or closed, it would have made no difference. The only reason we did it there and not in his car was that they weren't home and the logistics seemed easier. As it was, I was worried they would come home the whole time and was in a huge hurry to get dressed as soon as we were finished. (For what it's worth, I wish that I'd had a rule similar to the PP's about no PIV sex until we could spend the night together. That would probably have been a much better and more romantic first time than what I actually had.)

My mom did not have a problem with me and my high school boyfriends (yes, I had more than one boyfriend in high school, which obviously makes me grandma material at age 32) being alone in my room with the door closed. I have two younger siblings. We were hanging out, studying, talking, listening to music, etc. Having my 8 year old brother and his friends being 8 year old boys would have interrupted all of that - especially the studying, which was the majority of our QT at our respective houses - the fooling around and whatever else went on at parties, in cars, etc.

My mom also was good at communicating with me about relationships, respect, sex, protection, love, and all the rest. I never received the message that sex was out of bounds for me. Her message (pre-age 16 virginity losing, which I told her about several months after it happened) was more that sex complicates relationships in ways that I might find that I was not emotionally mature enough to deal with, and that it was very, very important to practice safe sex, lest unprotected sex complicate my teenage relationships in physical ways as well as emotional ones. Her suggestion was, wait until you're ready and break up with anyone who pressures you and doesn't respect your wishes to wait. Her suggestion was, if you feel like you're ready, use protection. She also reinforced over and over that no matter what happened, she was always, always there for me. That if I was in a bad situation, I could always call her and we would deal with whatever breach of trust had occurred when I was safe.

She was and remains a great mom.

OP, given the reaction of this board, I would be concerned that your son's girlfriend's parents are likely not okay with the closed door QT. I honestly think that you should talk to your son and his girlfriend about that (not her parents, not just your son). Something along the lines of "Paul and Lydia, I appreciate all the time you've been spending over here and I'm glad you two enjoy each other's company so much. I wanted to check in to see what the ground rules are at Lydia's parents' house, because I would hate for there to be any sort of miscommunication that results in Lydia's parents not trusting my judgment. Are you allowed to be alone in her room with the door closed? What are her parents' rules about watching movies on the couch?" Etc. etc. My concern would be, in this situation, that Lydia's parents think you're some sort of permissive slut who is encouraging their daughter to get pregnant instead of doing her homework. I don't think there's any way to discuss that with them without getting an idea from your son and his girlfriend what their rules are in the first place.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I dated the same guy all through HS ( and college- I didn't end up marrying him). By sr year HS his parents and mine were pretty lax about us being alone in the bedrooms. Although at that point we were having sex we never would have thought about doing anything with any parents in the house. No way.

[Anonymous]

No, I would not allow it, based on what my teen bf and I used to do in his room, with his parents one room away in the family room. If you think having parents or other family members within listening distance will keep teens from having sexual activity, you are sadly mistaken.

[Anonymous]

No room. No closed doors. I suppose you could become a grandma anyway, but why increase the odds?

[Anonymous]

Both my son and daughter started college when they were not quite 17. So at 17, yes, I would allow them to hang out with a significant other in their bedroom with the door closed. However, both knew that if they closed the door, they ran the risk of me knocking, waiting no more than two seconds, and then opening that door.

We have had a lot of deep discussions about relationships, sex, pregnancy, age of consent, rape, Plan B, morning after pills, condoms, Planned Parenthood, emotional maturity, etc. I am confident in their abilities to make good decisions, and to pull in an adult any time they're in over their heads.

[Anonymous]

Most parents have lots of confidence in their kid. Sure does feel good, doesn't it? You need never know about the abortions, only the depression, eventually.

[Anonymous]

Not with the door closed.you should always be checking on them and sit down with him and give him a long talk about the expectations in your house.He will be 18 soon,and that is when he can do what he wants unless he is under your roof.

[Anonymous]

Why is it ok to have sex in the car or somewhere else, but not in his house?

[Anonymous]

Isnt there a respect issue here? I am a grown woman with children and I would feel disrespectful having sex in my parents home with them there- awake!!
I really don't even love having sex at night in their home when everyone is in bed. But at least then its not obvious to all others in the home!

I also wonder about those with more kids. At what age are you comfy with younger siblings being aware of sex going on? Is it fine for your 12 year old to know "big bro is having sex right this moment" next door to my room.

Theoretically this is all just openly discussed and healthy attitudes have all been established, but the reality of it is messier sometimes.

It would irk me if my 10 year old were playing at a friend's house and the older siblings were having sex in the next room. Seems kind of jerry springer like!

[Anonymous]

Why isn't the world not encouraging their kids to not have sex? Like what is sex anymore this days if it is as casual as holding hands. I know the message should be safe sex etc. honestly though, I would still prefer no sex and teaching your kid so.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they aren't having sex. Maybe they are just kissing and "heavy petting." Maybe the girl or both of them decided they aren't ready or are too worried about pregnancy or don't have birth control.

Would it be ok if they were just kissing and such but not having sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why isn't the world not encouraging their kids to not have sex? Like what is sex anymore this days if it is as casual as holding hands. I know the message should be safe sex etc. honestly though, I would still prefer no sex and teaching your kid so.

When is sex ok? Only after marriage? What happens if you wait until you're 29 to get married like I did.