What do you think about letting 17 yr old hang out alone in his room with his girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

Am I the only person who thinks the term "PIV sex" is weird and overly technical?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only person who thinks the term "PIV sex" is weird and overly technical?

It's weird and technical but it probably needs to be specific so we know specifically what the poster means.

[Anonymous]

Ok, DCUM speaks. No more time alone in the bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I suspect many of these posters have never had a 17 year-old child and are projecting their concerns about their children's future.

It is normal and healthy for 17 year-olds to have sex within a committed relationship. I suspect that most of you in your heart of hearts agree with that. You may think 18 is better but 17 is pretty close. Honestly, it would be odd for 17 year olds in a long time relationship to not have sex.

So given that this is pretty much normal behavior, whats your goal here? You want your DS to have a healthy attitude toward sex and respect for his girlfriend. So talk to him about that. He needs to know that "no means no." And he needs to protect her from unwanted pregnancy and STDs. You are much better able to have that kind of straightforward conversation if you are putting up an unrealistic "YOU WILL NOT HAVE SEX," message.

So if you are accepting that your DS will be having healthy, protected sex in a committed relationship, whats this idea that he has to sneak around to do it? He is more likely to skip the condom if they are having to sneak around. And what kind of message are you sending? At the very least you are cutting yourself out of any kind of straightforward conversation on the subject.

I have a 17 year-old DAUGHTER and she and her boyfriend spend time alone in her bedroom, with the door closed. She is going to college next year and is, in many aspects of her life, developing responsibility and my trust. We have and continue to have conversations about protection, responsibility and love. I have no worries about her becoming pregnant.

[Anonymous]

I mean if you are not putting up an unrealistic message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I suspect many of these posters have never had a 17 year-old child and are projecting their concerns about their children's future.

It is normal and healthy for 17 year-olds to have sex within a committed relationship. I suspect that most of you in your heart of hearts agree with that. You may think 18 is better but 17 is pretty close. Honestly, it would be odd for 17 year olds in a long time relationship to not have sex.

So given that this is pretty much normal behavior, whats your goal here? You want your DS to have a healthy attitude toward sex and respect for his girlfriend. So talk to him about that. He needs to know that "no means no." And he needs to protect her from unwanted pregnancy and STDs. You are much better able to have that kind of straightforward conversation if you are putting up an unrealistic "YOU WILL NOT HAVE SEX," message.

So if you are accepting that your DS will be having healthy, protected sex in a committed relationship, whats this idea that he has to sneak around to do it? He is more likely to skip the condom if they are having to sneak around. And what kind of message are you sending? At the very least you are cutting yourself out of any kind of straightforward conversation on the subject.

I have a 17 year-old DAUGHTER and she and her boyfriend spend time alone in her bedroom, with the door closed. She is going to college next year and is, in many aspects of her life, developing responsibility and my trust. We have and continue to have conversations about protection, responsibility and love. I have no worries about her becoming pregnant.

OP here, thanks for this perspective. My DS is in a good relationship with his girlfriend and I'm fine with them having a physical relationship as well. If they aren't in someone's bedroom then they will be fooling around in the car, the movie theater or who knows where. My main concerns are, 1) she doesn't get pregnant 2) she wants to as much as he does 3) her parents are ok with it 3) they use protection every time 4) no one gets emotionally hurt. I've talked with him a lot about "no means no" "go slow" always use protection, the dangers of pregnancy. I know he understands all these concepts intellectually, however in the heat of the moment, it's very easy to say, "just this one time" and not use protection. I just don't trust him 100 percent. He has told me that there is absolutely no way she will get pregnant so I need to follow up and get more details. On the other hand, if we say he can't be in his room with the door shut maybe we can avoid all these issues.... However, they will probably just find some other place to go. This is new territory for me. Should I try to bring it up with her mother? Very awkward I know, but it might help clarify how strict to be.

[Anonymous]

Omg. Really OP? Talk to her mother?!? Just grow a backbone. Tell him you expect him not to have sex in your house with his girlfriend who he will probably end up dumping. Condoms don't protect you from everything especially HPV. I hope you did Gardasil in him or that ship has already sailed.

Who cares if they have sex in a car, on a friend's couch, in a park, etc? They are teenagers. They will do that even if you allow them to have sex in your own house.

Be the adult here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg. Really OP? Talk to her mother?!? Just grow a backbone. Tell him you expect him not to have sex in your house with his girlfriend who he will probably end up dumping. Condoms don't protect you from everything especially HPV. I hope you did Gardasil in him or that ship has already sailed.

Who cares if they have sex in a car, on a friend's couch, in a park, etc? They are teenagers. They will do that even if you allow them to have sex in your own house.

Be the adult here.

"Girlfriend who he will probably end up dumping" - say that to your kid and they won't ever listen to another word you say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg. Really OP? Talk to her mother?!? Just grow a backbone. Tell him you expect him not to have sex in your house with his girlfriend who he will probably end up dumping. Condoms don't protect you from everything especially HPV. I hope you did Gardasil in him or that ship has already sailed.

Who cares if they have sex in a car, on a friend's couch, in a park, etc? They are teenagers. They will do that even if you allow them to have sex in your own house.

Be the adult here.

Did you read 11:23 post. I think there are many good points in the post. It's not about having a backbone, it's about deciding the best way to approach this issue. Is it "who cares if they have sex in a park, just not in my house?" Frankly, that doesn't make much sense to me. The PP said that if you accept it's normal and ok for 17 yr olds in a committed relationship to have protected sex, why make them sneak around? I'm not sure what I think but it's a good point. The reason I mentioned the DD's mother is if she is very against this, it would influence my decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg. Really OP? Talk to her mother?!? Just grow a backbone. Tell him you expect him not to have sex in your house with his girlfriend who he will probably end up dumping. Condoms don't protect you from everything especially HPV. I hope you did Gardasil in him or that ship has already sailed.

Who cares if they have sex in a car, on a friend's couch, in a park, etc? They are teenagers. They will do that even if you allow them to have sex in your own house.

Be the adult here.

Did you read 11:23 post. I think there are many good points in the post. It's not about having a backbone, it's about deciding the best way to approach this issue. Is it "who cares if they have sex in a park, just not in my house?" Frankly, that doesn't make much sense to me. The PP said that if you accept it's normal and ok for 17 yr olds in a committed relationship to have protected sex, why make them sneak around? I'm not sure what I think but it's a good point. The reason I mentioned the DD's mother is if she is very against this, it would influence my decision.

NOOOO, do not ask the parents of the girl permission and stop worrying about the heat of the moment and such. You do not belong in the middle of their relationship, including their sexual relationship. You have had the important conversations, thats what a parent should do. Beyond that you have no role. And you should absolutely not talk to her parents. What they discuss with their daughter is their business. Asking their permission smacks of the very out dated and sexist idea of asking their permission to marry, only creepier because it has to do with sex and because you aren't the one doing it. if DD's mother is against it, that is between her and her daughter. You have no business enforcing their rules. The mother knows that her daughter is in a relationship and can assume she knows her daughter has or will soon have sex. How she approaches this is her business. And think about it, the whole idea that you all have to work together to preserve this girl's virginity or whatever is pretty sexist, don't you think?

These are 17 year olds. You have given your DS all the appropriate guidance. Now he needs privacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg. Really OP? Talk to her mother?!? Just grow a backbone. Tell him you expect him not to have sex in your house with his girlfriend who he will probably end up dumping. Condoms don't protect you from everything especially HPV. I hope you did Gardasil in him or that ship has already sailed.

Who cares if they have sex in a car, on a friend's couch, in a park, etc? They are teenagers. They will do that even if you allow them to have sex in your own house.

Be the adult here.

Did you read 11:23 post. I think there are many good points in the post. It's not about having a backbone, it's about deciding the best way to approach this issue. Is it "who cares if they have sex in a park, just not in my house?" Frankly, that doesn't make much sense to me. The PP said that if you accept it's normal and ok for 17 yr olds in a committed relationship to have protected sex, why make them sneak around? I'm not sure what I think but it's a good point. The reason I mentioned the DD's mother is if she is very against this, it would influence my decision.

I think those who think it's okay to have sex behind a closed door in their parents' home need to define "committed relationship." These kids are 17.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg. Really OP? Talk to her mother?!? Just grow a backbone. Tell him you expect him not to have sex in your house with his girlfriend who he will probably end up dumping. Condoms don't protect you from everything especially HPV. I hope you did Gardasil in him or that ship has already sailed.

Who cares if they have sex in a car, on a friend's couch, in a park, etc? They are teenagers. They will do that even if you allow them to have sex in your own house.

Be the adult here.

Did you read 11:23 post. I think there are many good points in the post. It's not about having a backbone, it's about deciding the best way to approach this issue. Is it "who cares if they have sex in a park, just not in my house?" Frankly, that doesn't make much sense to me. The PP said that if you accept it's normal and ok for 17 yr olds in a committed relationship to have protected sex, why make them sneak around? I'm not sure what I think but it's a good point. The reason I mentioned the DD's mother is if she is very against this, it would influence my decision.

NOOOO, do not ask the parents of the girl permission and stop worrying about the heat of the moment and such. You do not belong in the middle of their relationship, including their sexual relationship. You have had the important conversations, thats what a parent should do. Beyond that you have no role. And you should absolutely not talk to her parents. What they discuss with their daughter is their business. Asking their permission smacks of the very out dated and sexist idea of asking their permission to marry, only creepier because it has to do with sex and because you aren't the one doing it. if DD's mother is against it, that is between her and her daughter. You have no business enforcing their rules. The mother knows that her daughter is in a relationship and can assume she knows her daughter has or will soon have sex. How she approaches this is her business. And think about it, the whole idea that you all have to work together to preserve this girl's virginity or whatever is pretty sexist, don't you think?

These are 17 year olds. You have given your DS all the appropriate guidance. Now he needs privacy.

I'd like to hear about this young man's responsibilities and not just his need for privacy.

[Anonymous]

I completely disagree that he needs privacy in your house, for the purpose of sex. He wants it, but that didn't mean he needs it. I think privacy for having sex is something that is earned in adulthood through getting into college or getting your own apartment. It's one of the privileges of adulthood, not a right of childhood.

I absolutely would not allow it in my house. Seriously, if they haw sex in a car, well, that's part of being a teenager. My job as a parent is not to provide a place to have sex. I don't think my 17 should be having sex -- it's just not respectful or intimate or cool to fuck someone in your parents' house with your door shut and your parent there. Shoot, I wouldn't even have sex as an adult with my parents in another room! Teens can wait to be alone and intimate. And sometimes alone means in the car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely disagree that he needs privacy in your house, for the purpose of sex. He wants it, but that didn't mean he needs it. I think privacy for having sex is something that is earned in adulthood through getting into college or getting your own apartment. It's one of the privileges of adulthood, not a right of childhood.

I absolutely would not allow it in my house. Seriously, if they haw sex in a car, well, that's part of being a teenager. My job as a parent is not to provide a place to have sex. I don't think my 17 should be having sex -- it's just not respectful or intimate or cool to fuck someone in your parents' house with your door shut and your parent there. Shoot, I wouldn't even have sex as an adult with my parents in another room! Teens can wait to be alone and intimate. And sometimes alone means in the car.

I didn't say privacy to have sex, I said privacy. I meant that the mother, once she's spoken with her son about using a condom, should not be metaphorically in the room ensuring he is using one. OP is worried about "in the moment" and I'm saying she doesn't belong in that moment and shouldn't be mindful of it. This is much more conceptual than the idea that they need a private room.

As far as preferring they have sex in a car, if that somehow seems rational to you, okey dokey. From your description its clear that you will never have an honest conversation with yourDC about sex, which increases the chances it will not happen responsibly.

I'm struck by the number of people who are referring to their kids "fucking" in thus thread. I use the word all the time, but not in connection with my kids. It just comes off as creepy. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg. Really OP? Talk to her mother?!? Just grow a backbone. Tell him you expect him not to have sex in your house with his girlfriend who he will probably end up dumping. Condoms don't protect you from everything especially HPV. I hope you did Gardasil in him or that ship has already sailed.

Who cares if they have sex in a car, on a friend's couch, in a park, etc? They are teenagers. They will do that even if you allow them to have sex in your own house.

Be the adult here.

Did you read 11:23 post. I think there are many good points in the post. It's not about having a backbone, it's about deciding the best way to approach this issue. Is it "who cares if they have sex in a park, just not in my house?" Frankly, that doesn't make much sense to me. The PP said that if you accept it's normal and ok for 17 yr olds in a committed relationship to have protected sex, why make them sneak around? I'm not sure what I think but it's a good point. The reason I mentioned the DD's mother is if she is very against this, it would influence my decision.

NOOOO, do not ask the parents of the girl permission and stop worrying about the heat of the moment and such. You do not belong in the middle of their relationship, including their sexual relationship. You have had the important conversations, thats what a parent should do. Beyond that you have no role. And you should absolutely not talk to her parents. What they discuss with their daughter is their business. Asking their permission smacks of the very out dated and sexist idea of asking their permission to marry, only creepier because it has to do with sex and because you aren't the one doing it. if DD's mother is against it, that is between her and her daughter. You have no business enforcing their rules. The mother knows that her daughter is in a relationship and can assume she knows her daughter has or will soon have sex. How she approaches this is her business. And think about it, the whole idea that you all have to work together to preserve this girl's virginity or whatever is pretty sexist, don't you think?

These are 17 year olds. You have given your DS all the appropriate guidance. Now he needs privacy.

I am one of the least sexist people you will ever meet. I probably won't talk to her mother about this, but if I did it would be purely to touch base so we are on the same page. If she told me that she (the mom) has a rule about her daughter never being alone in our house I would make sure I didn't leave them alone. If she told me she trusted her daughter and she was ok if they were alone in our house, I'd be more lenient. I'd be thrilled if my DD's boyfriends parents (when she has one) or her friends parents communicated with me about my expectations and rules.