Reply to What do you think about letting 17 yr old hang out alone in his room with his girlfriend?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I would advise you to remember that anyone and everyone comes onto DCUM now. Just because some poster claims to be a parent of a child the same age as yours proves nothing. Also, that parent could in fact make very bad parenting choices and give you very bad advice.

Frankly, 17 is not the age for a committed relationship by any definition. Your kid is just that: a kid who needs guidance from you. Steer your kid in the direction that will get a good college placement child free.

The girlfriend is temporary. Even if they (Gawd forbid) married some day, your focus is now. Make sure you get better advice from family and friends than you will ever get on a wide open forum like DCUM because the last thing your son needs is a child of his own at his age.

Remember: condoms break and kids are impulsive and plagued by inexperience and bad judgment.

Consider the future.[/quote]

I'm the PP you seem to be referring to and I absolutely have a 17 year-old DD.  And there's nothing wrong with my parenting choices, even if you disagree.  I do not expect my DD's relationship to last forever, or even when they go to college.  But then again I don't expect her to marry the first person she sleeps with.  By "committed relationship" I do not mean forever.  I mean loving, exclusive, trusting.  I had a relationship like that when I was 18 and I don't see 17 as really that different.  I think a 17 is absolutely capable of love and commitment.  Having sex within such a relationship is good judgment, not bad.

There is this obsession with pregnancy and I agree that you need to prevent an unwanted pregnancy.  But that happens when you educate your DC about condoms, not from closing your eyes and hoping that since you've banned them from being alone in the house, they won't have sex.  Seriously, what is your goal?  To keep your DC safe, to prevent STDs and pregnancies.  Thats my goal as well.

Lets play this posters' scenario out.  Your DS is in love with someone his age.  You tell him he cannot be alone in his room with his girlfriend, with the door closed.  Furthermore, you tell him he cannot have sex.  Do you expect him to say "you're right, mom.  I won't have sex."  Do you really?  This is what will actually happen -- your DS will just avoid being in your house with his girlfriend.  Maybe they'll spend their time at her house.  Fine.  (But having your DS and girlfriend around is a good thing.  You get to know her.  She joins your family for dinner.  You talk.  or you can let that all happen at her house and you can barely see them.)  Maybe they'll have sex whenever they have the opportunity, in cars, someone's bedroom during a party, in the woods during a dance.  If their goal is to grab those opportunities, and those opportunities are a rare resource, do you really think they'll resist if they don't have a condom?

And those of you who take that approach, have you ever had a genuine conversation with your child about sex?  I don't mean a lecture, I mean an actual discussion in which they share their thoughts as well, and ask questions.  Because if the only way is your way, what is there to discuss?[/quote]

OK, for the sake of argument, let's say you are who you claim to be (though frankly, I just don't believe you). Here's my question to you: what will you do when the condom breaks or slips off? Read other threads on this forum and you'll find dozens of stories like that, especially on the "How many times have you been pregnant" thread. Guess what? Almost all the respondents were high school or college aged? How many were men? Zero, save for a few DHs.

Here's the truth: no matter how compelled you feel to defend your position (which is what you are doing now), lots of us find it very easy to poke holes in it. You're trying too desperately to ascribe maturity to your DD, to feign sophistication that sex is inevitable and therefore that you are more mature or urbane than those of us who'd rather keep sex out our kids bedrooms while teens.

I for one want my kids to go to college child free. I honestly don't consider a high school girlfriend to count as a committed relationship. A committed relationship is the guy who's there when your mom's going through cancer or when your brother's sent on a mission in the Persian Gulf, not the guy who takes you to prom.  Let OP's son use his room for SAT and AP prep, not condom practice. Let his girlfriend take naps at home. Guess what? My kid will get to MIT before yours.

But, hey, whatever helps you sleep at night. You're the one who feels the need to prove herself.

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