How do Indian and Asian parents do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not all Indians work in or own restaurants.

Yes, some of them own 7-Elevens, too.

And motels, too! Good grief. Are there any stereotypes left that nobody has brought up yet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bottom line, it is what you put in as a parent when it cones to educating your kids. I am not doing extra Kumon or sylvan classes for my girls, but we do work on things at home from history, math, language writing, and music. Are we doing this all day in their after school hours? No, but they typically have at least an hour's worth of work to do. Then they can play. I think it is important for kids to understand that it is important to practice so they don't forget. Any parent who thinks that their public or private school will or should give their child everything he/she needs for education is sadly disillusioned. It is just not that way.....now more than ever. Does it take time and effort to pull materials for my children to work on! Yes, but I look at that as my job as their parent. Even with the snow days, I still pull work for them to do. Generally speaking, parents are overwhelmed and don't have the time, patience, or energy to pull the extra work. Instead it is easier to criticize and overinflated what others are doing. It is easier to say, "just let them play" in order to justify not pulling extra work to help them practice...even if it is just for an hour. I agree about what one of the PPs wrote about quitting. Before you give in yo your child wanting to quit, try to calmly explain the value in what they are doing or learning. Even from K, they get it. Let your child make the choice. Even tonight, I gave my younger First Grader 10 subtraction problems to work out and then use addition to check her answer. She started complaining that she just wanted to subtract and not do the checking. Later in the evening, I spoke with her one on one. I told her that it drained me to gear her whining about the work I have her to practice. I explained that practicing those problems will help her learn and check her own answers. I asked her if she wanted me to stop pulling work. She said, "No, I get it. Thank you for helping. We are a team." That pretty much says it all. Teamwork!

Curious -- do you work outside the home full- time and have the typical Washington region commute of 40 minutes each way (so an additional ~6 hours away from home)?

My observation here and in NYC is that most East Asian mothers (currently aged 55-70) are SAHM or help out at the restaurant while kids are in school only. I can't help but wonder if this isn't a key factor.

Bingo! You hit the nail on the head. "Absentee parenting" from your downtown office is like any absentee "management".
It usually doesn't work so well. Trying to make up for it when you get home at night, is simply frustrating for most parents and children.
But hey, all you can do, is the best you can do, right? If that's the best you can do, no need to sweat or fight about it.

True?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bottom line, it is what you put in as a parent when it cones to educating your kids. I am not doing extra Kumon or sylvan classes for my girls, but we do work on things at home from history, math, language writing, and music. Are we doing this all day in their after school hours? No, but they typically have at least an hour's worth of work to do. Then they can play. I think it is important for kids to understand that it is important to practice so they don't forget. Any parent who thinks that their public or private school will or should give their child everything he/she needs for education is sadly disillusioned. It is just not that way.....now more than ever. Does it take time and effort to pull materials for my children to work on! Yes, but I look at that as my job as their parent. Even with the snow days, I still pull work for them to do. Generally speaking, parents are overwhelmed and don't have the time, patience, or energy to pull the extra work. Instead it is easier to criticize and overinflated what others are doing. It is easier to say, "just let them play" in order to justify not pulling extra work to help them practice...even if it is just for an hour. I agree about what one of the PPs wrote about quitting. Before you give in yo your child wanting to quit, try to calmly explain the value in what they are doing or learning. Even from K, they get it. Let your child make the choice. Even tonight, I gave my younger First Grader 10 subtraction problems to work out and then use addition to check her answer. She started complaining that she just wanted to subtract and not do the checking. Later in the evening, I spoke with her one on one. I told her that it drained me to gear her whining about the work I have her to practice. I explained that practicing those problems will help her learn and check her own answers. I asked her if she wanted me to stop pulling work. She said, "No, I get it. Thank you for helping. We are a team." That pretty much says it all. Teamwork!

Curious -- do you work outside the home full- time and have the typical Washington region commute of 40 minutes each way (so an additional ~6 hours away from home)?

My observation here and in NYC is that most East Asian mothers (currently aged 55-70) are SAHM or help out at the restaurant while kids are in school only. I can't help but wonder if this isn't a key factor.

Wow. Sorry. I don't fit the stereotype, but thank you for that insight. I am an Electrical Engineer and work outside of the home full-time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bottom line, it is what you put in as a parent when it cones to educating your kids. I am not doing extra Kumon or sylvan classes for my girls, but we do work on things at home from history, math, language writing, and music. Are we doing this all day in their after school hours? No, but they typically have at least an hour's worth of work to do. Then they can play. I think it is important for kids to understand that it is important to practice so they don't forget. Any parent who thinks that their public or private school will or should give their child everything he/she needs for education is sadly disillusioned. It is just not that way.....now more than ever. Does it take time and effort to pull materials for my children to work on! Yes, but I look at that as my job as their parent. Even with the snow days, I still pull work for them to do. Generally speaking, parents are overwhelmed and don't have the time, patience, or energy to pull the extra work. Instead it is easier to criticize and overinflated what others are doing. It is easier to say, "just let them play" in order to justify not pulling extra work to help them practice...even if it is just for an hour. I agree about what one of the PPs wrote about quitting. Before you give in yo your child wanting to quit, try to calmly explain the value in what they are doing or learning. Even from K, they get it. Let your child make the choice. Even tonight, I gave my younger First Grader 10 subtraction problems to work out and then use addition to check her answer. She started complaining that she just wanted to subtract and not do the checking. Later in the evening, I spoke with her one on one. I told her that it drained me to gear her whining about the work I have her to practice. I explained that practicing those problems will help her learn and check her own answers. I asked her if she wanted me to stop pulling work. She said, "No, I get it. Thank you for helping. We are a team." That pretty much says it all. Teamwork!

Curious -- do you work outside the home full- time and have the typical Washington region commute of 40 minutes each way (so an additional ~6 hours away from home)?

My observation here and in NYC is that most East Asian mothers (currently aged 55-70) are SAHM or help out at the restaurant while kids are in school only. I can't help but wonder if this isn't a key factor.

Wow. Sorry. I don't fit the stereotype, but thank you for that insight. I am an Electrical Engineer and work outside of the home full-time.

I don't think the PP was talking about women of your generation. Most Indian Americans of your mother's generation stayed at home with their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not all Indians work in or own restaurants.

Yes, some of them own 7-Elevens, too.

And motels, too! Good grief. Are there any stereotypes left that nobody has brought up yet?

Don't forget they also drive taxis!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what school is your child in that there is so many Indians? We are Indian and are looking for a school that is diverse and has some other Indian kids.

This is not OP - but our elem school has a large Indian population. Are you looking for elem school?

NP, do tell which one. Btw are there many Indians in north Arlington? If there are, I don't see them out and about, wouldn't mind interacting with a few.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bottom line, it is what you put in as a parent when it cones to educating your kids. I am not doing extra Kumon or sylvan classes for my girls, but we do work on things at home from history, math, language writing, and music. Are we doing this all day in their after school hours? No, but they typically have at least an hour's worth of work to do. Then they can play. I think it is important for kids to understand that it is important to practice so they don't forget. Any parent who thinks that their public or private school will or should give their child everything he/she needs for education is sadly disillusioned. It is just not that way.....now more than ever. Does it take time and effort to pull materials for my children to work on! Yes, but I look at that as my job as their parent. Even with the snow days, I still pull work for them to do. Generally speaking, parents are overwhelmed and don't have the time, patience, or energy to pull the extra work. Instead it is easier to criticize and overinflated what others are doing. It is easier to say, "just let them play" in order to justify not pulling extra work to help them practice...even if it is just for an hour. I agree about what one of the PPs wrote about quitting. Before you give in yo your child wanting to quit, try to calmly explain the value in what they are doing or learning. Even from K, they get it. Let your child make the choice. Even tonight, I gave my younger First Grader 10 subtraction problems to work out and then use addition to check her answer. She started complaining that she just wanted to subtract and not do the checking. Later in the evening, I spoke with her one on one. I told her that it drained me to gear her whining about the work I have her to practice. I explained that practicing those problems will help her learn and check her own answers. I asked her if she wanted me to stop pulling work. She said, "No, I get it. Thank you for helping. We are a team." That pretty much says it all. Teamwork!

Curious -- do you work outside the home full- time and have the typical Washington region commute of 40 minutes each way (so an additional ~6 hours away from home)?

My observation here and in NYC is that most East Asian mothers (currently aged 55-70) are SAHM or help out at the restaurant while kids are in school only. I can't help but wonder if this isn't a key factor.

Wow. Sorry. I don't fit the stereotype, but thank you for that insight. I am an Electrical Engineer and work outside of the home full-time.

I don't think the PP was talking about women of your generation. Most Indian Americans of your mother's generation stayed at home with their children.

This wasn't my experience at all. Both my parents were doctors and worked full time, as was the case with most of the parents of my Indian friends. Yet, they would all do the same thing this poster described -- pull extra problems, give extra homework, etc. Between their work schedules, commutes, and parenting us, they basically had no life at all (other than when they got together for Indian celebrations a few weekends a year) but they were happy, because raising us was the priority. Once my brother and I were off on our own, they finally began to enjoy life for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Curious -- do you work outside the home full- time and have the typical Washington region commute of 40 minutes each way (so an additional ~6 hours away from home)?

My observation here and in NYC is that most East Asian mothers (currently aged 55-70) are SAHM or help out at the restaurant while kids are in school only. I can't help but wonder if this isn't a key factor.

I grew up in an affluent suburb of Chicago, and I have to think that parents who can afford to live in areas like that (or Fairfax county) are dual professional families. I knew plenty of Chinese mothers in families where both parents were professors, or both were doctors. How did they demand excellence? They just MADE it work. They had their kids in a million activities and tutoring. They didn't worry as much about getting enough sleep as western parents. They spent all weekend shuttling kids from one tutoring activity to another. They didn't let their kids go out on weekend nights in high school. I mean, jeez, Amy Chua and her husband are both tenured law professors at Yale and she somehow finds the time to tiger parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am Indian and didn't have this experience at all - I don't think it's just the pressure. My parents never told me to do my homework, if I got a bad grade they just wanted to know whether I truly put my full effort in, and then helped me improve my grades by studying with me and helping the best I could. My house was the house where all my friends could gather and feel welcome, it was practically a youth hostel on college breaks with so many people staying over! Yet by Indian standards we're very successful - my brothers and I all went to top ten undergrad/graduate schools, one doctor and two lawyers. Much harsher relatives often point to us as the success stories and compared their kids to us. I won't be drilling my kids or make learning a chore.

I remember asking my dad whether he would be okay if I pursued urban planning. he was stunned that I even asked, and told me that as long as I pushed myself and applied myself in whatever I did, he'd be proud of me. When my cousin was accepted into a music conservatory, her parents were reluctant, but my dad made a huge deal of it and they let her go. I'd rather follow the route my parents took. We're all much happier people than others who are financially successful but don't like their jobs.

As another PP asked, where in India are your parents from?

[Anonymous]

Another Indian here -- extra math problems are certainly ringing a bell. None of the formal tutoring/Kumon/Sylvan stuff (not sure how much of that existed in the last 80s-early 90s), but worksheets made up by my parents. So you never got away with -- I have no hw tonight or my homework is done in 30 min.

If you had no homework, you had at least 45 min-1 hr of parent made homework, which was treated the same way as real homework. My parents weren't crazed though had high expectations re straight As, ivy degrees etc. -- but they did believe that U.S. elementary schools don't give kids enough homework and when they do a lot of it is "play" like creating some art related thing that is supposed to be a science project.

They were used to Indian education where even 4-5 yr olds study hours a night and by middle/high school you are seemingly awake day and night (from what I saw of my cousins there) between doing school work and all your additional tutoring for college entrance exams which can make or break your life financially if you don't get in anywhere. So being first gen, they were shocked to see perfectly capable 2nd graders color for 15 min and say they were done their hw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am Indian and didn't have this experience at all - I don't think it's just the pressure. My parents never told me to do my homework, if I got a bad grade they just wanted to know whether I truly put my full effort in, and then helped me improve my grades by studying with me and helping the best I could. My house was the house where all my friends could gather and feel welcome, it was practically a youth hostel on college breaks with so many people staying over! Yet by Indian standards we're very successful - my brothers and I all went to top ten undergrad/graduate schools, one doctor and two lawyers. Much harsher relatives often point to us as the success stories and compared their kids to us. I won't be drilling my kids or make learning a chore.

I remember asking my dad whether he would be okay if I pursued urban planning. he was stunned that I even asked, and told me that as long as I pushed myself and applied myself in whatever I did, he'd be proud of me. When my cousin was accepted into a music conservatory, her parents were reluctant, but my dad made a huge deal of it and they let her go. I'd rather follow the route my parents took. We're all much happier people than others who are financially successful but don't like their jobs.

As another PP asked, where in India are your parents from?

Chennai

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do Indian parents do it? Lots of hard work and sacrifice for their children and no life of their own.

Why do they do it? Here is the mindset - they have come from a culture where the difference between the have-nots and haves was very stark, and education was the way to salvation. Coming to the US these fears were not removed but exaggerated the first time they faced the glass ceiling.

There was a naivete when they first came here that merit will be a great equalizer, but then they watch themselves being bypassed at work frequently. Then they are told that they are different. They are a minority but unlike Hispanics or AA they will not be given any breaks. They will compete with whites, but because of their skin color they don't have to be just better than the whites, they have to be exponentially better than the whites.

So as a result this is what happens. Indians don't just prepare, they over-prepare.

They save like crazy, live frugally, because God forbid they have to take any handouts from someone. They will pay for education for their kids for how ever many years it takes them to be a doctor or lawyer or engineer. Very rarely does an Indian kid walks away with a student debt.

They will push and push and push their kids. And in the process they will push themselves. You will see that the Geography Bee and Spelling Bee has tons of Indian kids and their parents in the audience. This is just plain hard work. Work till there is nothing else in your life, kind of hard work.

And they do not assimilate. Why should they? This country did not invest in their education. They were the result of brain drain from India. They have paid taxes and were legal immigrants and have not been on welfare, since they arrived here. So they reject the "western" culture, before the "western culture" can reject them.

The idea is to be so well qualified, and have so many credentials that no one can deny them their rightful recognition and reward. Because we can depend on no one but ourselves.

Indians do not push their kids to satisfy their own ego. They push because they are afraid of their kids being treated unfairly.

Too be honest, I am not sure there is a lot wrong with what they are doing and that there are plenty of minority Americans who need to start acting like this so their kids can get ahead.

To be honest, you are not seeing the irony. They have to be exponentially better than whites and they will not get the breaks other minorities get to advance. There is poverty within Asian and Indian community as well. The affirmative action should be based on income not race. And most of us are still over-qualified and under-paid as compared to any other race.

DO you honestly believe that Indian people have it as badly as black people in this country? I'm Indian and have definitely experienced racism, and my parents' stories break my heart. But black people have it far, far worse. Being a middle-class Indian is far more advantageous than being a middle class black person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
^^^^^What state in India are your parents from?

I think you were asking about my parents (urban planning/music conservatory post) - they're from Punjab. Dad is from the sticks - they didn't have electricity when we visited as children. Mom is from a smaller city but still not wealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am Indian and didn't have this experience at all - I don't think it's just the pressure. My parents never told me to do my homework, if I got a bad grade they just wanted to know whether I truly put my full effort in, and then helped me improve my grades by studying with me and helping the best I could. My house was the house where all my friends could gather and feel welcome, it was practically a youth hostel on college breaks with so many people staying over! Yet by Indian standards we're very successful - my brothers and I all went to top ten undergrad/graduate schools, one doctor and two lawyers. Much harsher relatives often point to us as the success stories and compared their kids to us. I won't be drilling my kids or make learning a chore.

I remember asking my dad whether he would be okay if I pursued urban planning. he was stunned that I even asked, and told me that as long as I pushed myself and applied myself in whatever I did, he'd be proud of me. When my cousin was accepted into a music conservatory, her parents were reluctant, but my dad made a huge deal of it and they let her go. I'd rather follow the route my parents took. We're all much happier people than others who are financially successful but don't like their jobs.

As another PP asked, where in India are your parents from?

Chennai

I wrote the quoted post - don't know who answered on my behalf, but they aren't from Chennai. They're from Punjab.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
^^^^^What state in India are your parents from?

I think you were asking about my parents (urban planning/music conservatory post) - they're from Punjab. Dad is from the sticks - they didn't have electricity when we visited as children. Mom is from a smaller city but still not wealthy.

I also want to add that my retired engineer father says that one of his greatest regrets in life was to not have a liberal arts education. They studied no literature, art, music at school. Now that he's retired he's a voracious reader and blowing through all the literary classics.