How do Indian and Asian parents do it?

[Anonymous]

And the result? Happier? Made the world a better place?

No. Try bragging rights e.g. 'my son married a fair, slim ivy league educated doctor.' And that the dual income made by both bride and groom ensures that the family will be of a certain SES. White Americans have no idea... Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: most of the Indians I know from my parents' generation involve a dad who is an engineer and a sahm.

This varies with geography. Most Indians I knew growing up -- engineer dad; mom who stayed at home for a while through elementary and then picked up whatever job she could. So there were lots of moms working part time retail, or in banks, insurance companies, hospitals etc. in general admin jobs. Mom's job was secondary and usually only to be able to save extra money (for college, family, whatever), and thus moms were still around to be involved in kid's schoolwork.

I didn't know a lot of dual professional Indian households but there were a few -- 2 doctor or engineer/dr. families -- and they had the hardest balance in terms working and still making sure their kids were being educated as they wanted.

The dual working families usually had family support in the form of grandparents who come and stay for six months at a stretch alternating. Until they get their green card. Cooking, inventory management, homework is often managed by the grandparent unit and supplemented by the parent when they came home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: most of the Indians I know from my parents' generation involve a dad who is an engineer and a sahm.

This varies with geography. Most Indians I knew growing up -- engineer dad; mom who stayed at home for a while through elementary and then picked up whatever job she could. So there were lots of moms working part time retail, or in banks, insurance companies, hospitals etc. in general admin jobs. Mom's job was secondary and usually only to be able to save extra money (for college, family, whatever), and thus moms were still around to be involved in kid's schoolwork.

I didn't know a lot of dual professional Indian households but there were a few -- 2 doctor or engineer/dr. families -- and they had the hardest balance in terms working and still making sure their kids were being educated as they wanted.

The dual working families usually had family support in the form of grandparents who come and stay for six months at a stretch alternating. Until they get their green card. Cooking, inventory management, homework is often managed by the grandparent unit and supplemented by the parent when they came home.

+100

[Anonymous]

DH is indian, I'm not. Our children are in a Montessori school and DH started feeling a bit uncomfortable around his friends. All their kids know numbers and letters, our kids know to wash dishes, get dressed and build things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is a very bright girl and we make sure she studies and encourage her to learn and grow all the time. But our elementary school is overrun with Indian and Asian kids who get the best grades and seem to study next year's curriculum over the summer. They take the prizes and awards, and just seem to acing everything. Makes me think of the spelling bee and how Indian kids always win it.

I really want to know, what is it that you do? It can't be that all Indian and Chinese kids are the smartest. There is something that the parents are doing. I'd love to know the exact step by step method of child raising that they do?

They are just superior. Ask Amy Chua.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is indian, I'm not. Our children are in a Montessori school and DH started feeling a bit uncomfortable around his friends. All their kids know numbers and letters, our kids know to wash dishes, get dressed and build things

Montessori schools are chock full of Indian kids because they are structured environments where math concepts and pre-reading skill are taught very early. Montessori schools also emphasize work-ethic, perseverance until mastery, and delaying gratification (grace and courtesy) etc. Work great with the Indian model.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: most of the Indians I know from my parents' generation involve a dad who is an engineer and a sahm.

This varies with geography. Most Indians I knew growing up -- engineer dad; mom who stayed at home for a while through elementary and then picked up whatever job she could. So there were lots of moms working part time retail, or in banks, insurance companies, hospitals etc. in general admin jobs. Mom's job was secondary and usually only to be able to save extra money (for college, family, whatever), and thus moms were still around to be involved in kid's schoolwork.

I didn't know a lot of dual professional Indian households but there were a few -- 2 doctor or engineer/dr. families -- and they had the hardest balance in terms working and still making sure their kids were being educated as they wanted.

The dual working families usually had family support in the form of grandparents who come and stay for six months at a stretch alternating. Until they get their green card. Cooking, inventory management, homework is often managed by the grandparent unit and supplemented by the parent when they came home.

+100

Basically the whole family is focused on helping the next generation get ahead. For the current generation of immigrants (people in late 30s and 40s) working here, the grand parents also provide the emotional stability of having a not hired person whose primary focus is the kids. THey act as a buffer to the stress of dual working couple juggling everything. Its a much more efficient system than just hiring people, because incentives are completely aligned here. Also many couples without family support, are often high enough in SES that they are able to at least hire a housekeeper to cook and clean and do the grunt work so they can focus on the kids.

I agree that it will eventually break down. I don't see many of my friends who are doctors, scientist etc whose parents currently help them, taking the time to do the same for their children in 30 years - they will most likely still be earning or won't find it intellectually stimulating enough. Most of their mom's were SAHM for long periods so doing it for the next generations isn't a huge change.

[Anonymous]

Is it usually the father's parents who come and live with the family? Having my overbearing, son obsessed Indian MIL come and live with me would drive my batsh-- crazy.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in London, India and the US and DH was born here and grew up here, his parents moved from India in the 70s and I am so much more open minded and flexible as are my urban cosmopolitan parents. DH parents didn't let him learn his native tongue in fear that he would not learn English. They didn't pay for education even a little and had him get loans even though they could afford it. They helped for a total of 6 weeks with much stress for both my babies. Both girls and I still haven't heard the last of it @ no male child. They said they have saved up to travel the world, nothing wrong with that. These are educated people and are very judgmental, superstitious, manipulative, lying and mean people. Ditto for rest of the uncles and aunts in his family.

Lot of stability yes but man so much animosity and selfishness among this community, so much hypocrisy. The most 'god-fearing' culture does the least charity. Ironical and sad.

Why would anyone want to ape the methods of such parents whose children most of them grow up self centered selfish beings. There is not much sense of community service. I have Jewish friends and they have more sense of sharing and helping in their fingertips than all the indian people I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it usually the father's parents who come and live with the family? Having my overbearing, son obsessed Indian MIL come and live with me would drive my batsh-- crazy.

Nope both sides come - and it is tough but they rally

[Anonymous]

Education is like sports is to white people.

That said---there are many, many kids that are so stressed out (just like the overactive sports parent).

I think a healthy dose of each is best for the overall development of a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in London, India and the US and DH was born here and grew up here, his parents moved from India in the 70s and I am so much more open minded and flexible as are my urban cosmopolitan parents. DH parents didn't let him learn his native tongue in fear that he would not learn English. They didn't pay for education even a little and had him get loans even though they could afford it. They helped for a total of 6 weeks with much stress for both my babies. Both girls and I still haven't heard the last of it @ no male child. They said they have saved up to travel the world, nothing wrong with that. These are educated people and are very judgmental, superstitious, manipulative, lying and mean people. Ditto for rest of the uncles and aunts in his family.

Lot of stability yes but man so much animosity and selfishness among this community, so much hypocrisy. The most 'god-fearing' culture does the least charity. Ironical and sad.

Why would anyone want to ape the methods of such parents whose children most of them grow up self centered selfish beings. There is not much sense of community service. I have Jewish friends and they have more sense of sharing and helping in their fingertips than all the indian people I know.

Um, this is your family's experience. Most Indian parents I know went into debt if they needed, so their kids would have minimal debt. And, in this day and in the US, I really don't hear that grandparents openly, if at all, state a preference for boys. Is his family educated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in London, India and the US and DH was born here and grew up here, his parents moved from India in the 70s and I am so much more open minded and flexible as are my urban cosmopolitan parents. DH parents didn't let him learn his native tongue in fear that he would not learn English. They didn't pay for education even a little and had him get loans even though they could afford it. They helped for a total of 6 weeks with much stress for both my babies. Both girls and I still haven't heard the last of it @ no male child. They said they have saved up to travel the world, nothing wrong with that. These are educated people and are very judgmental, superstitious, manipulative, lying and mean people. Ditto for rest of the uncles and aunts in his family.

Lot of stability yes but man so much animosity and selfishness among this community, so much hypocrisy. The most 'god-fearing' culture does the least charity. Ironical and sad.

Why would anyone want to ape the methods of such parents whose children most of them grow up self centered selfish beings. There is not much sense of community service. I have Jewish friends and they have more sense of sharing and helping in their fingertips than all the indian people I know.

You do realize that this is just your experience? I am South Asian and I will be the first to admit that there are certain pronounced flaws in the culture but one of the amazing positive things is that usually families provide a huge support system for their kids. My father worked multiple low end jobs when he immigrated here so that he could send us to the best schools and pay for extracurricular activities. Similarly, my wealthier South Asian friends' parents paid for their private schools and grad school educations without a second thought and gave generous down payments for first homes, etc. Mothers will generally come for extended stays to help with kids.

[Anonymous]

How do you all deal with these passive aggressive, intruding Indian MILs? Can't imagine having a harmonious cohabitation with mine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in London, India and the US and DH was born here and grew up here, his parents moved from India in the 70s and I am so much more open minded and flexible as are my urban cosmopolitan parents. DH parents didn't let him learn his native tongue in fear that he would not learn English. They didn't pay for education even a little and had him get loans even though they could afford it. They helped for a total of 6 weeks with much stress for both my babies. Both girls and I still haven't heard the last of it @ no male child. They said they have saved up to travel the world, nothing wrong with that. These are educated people and are very judgmental, superstitious, manipulative, lying and mean people. Ditto for rest of the uncles and aunts in his family.

Lot of stability yes but man so much animosity and selfishness among this community, so much hypocrisy. The most 'god-fearing' culture does the least charity. Ironical and sad.

Why would anyone want to ape the methods of such parents whose children most of them grow up self centered selfish beings. There is not much sense of community service. I have Jewish friends and they have more sense of sharing and helping in their fingertips than all the indian people I know.

Um, this is your family's experience. Most Indian parents I know went into debt if they needed, so their kids would have minimal debt. And, in this day and in the US, I really don't hear that grandparents openly, if at all, state a preference for boys. Is his family educated?