How do Indian and Asian parents do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm Indian, and was considered a major slacker by my family and our circle of friends because I majored in English and chose to write for blogs and magazines for a living. I'll only redeem myself if I get a book deal or if I start an amazing blog out of all this.

The Indian community can be very demanding and judgmental - everyone has extremely high standards of success and push the kids to achieve or surpass that. There is also a lot of love and nurturing, of course, but one thing I like about "western" parenting is that there is more emphasis on doing what you love, less emphasis on status/prestige/power.

This has more to do with immigrant parents in general who value security very highly. I think that will change as there are more Indian-American kids raised by parents who grew up here and who have the financial security that their grandparents craved. I know lots of people who wanted to go into XYZ field and didn't. I'm sure they will support their kids if they want to.

I am Indian, and my parents were the typical Indian/Asian parents. I don't intend to raise my kids with all that stress...a good work ethic, yes, but DC is stressful enough. When I look at leaders in most any field, there are plenty of non-Asians whose parents likely didn't make them read at 3, know multiplication tables at 5, etc. etc. In my book, it's all about creating a home where learning and hard work are valued. LOL, but ask me how I feel again when my kid is the only Indian not in the school spelling bee!

Agree. It's not about being Indian or Chinese, it's about being someone who had the gumption to pick up and move around the world. And yes, valuing security very highly. My parents were dirt poor when they arrived in this country and worked manual labor jobs, despite their masters degrees back home (which they earned after a lifetime of extreme poverty and hunger). My parents didn't pressure me a lot, but I would understand if they did. Can you imagine clawing yourself out of poverty, and then watching your kid throw away her opportunity for education? I want my kids to do well, too, but I don't have the same firsthand knowledge of being poor that my parents did. We weren't rich or even middle class (certainly not be DCUM standards) but we always had food, running water and electricity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Genetics.

Hah! You should see my family back in India and then tell me it's genetics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this is from several friends now grown up. agree with the above, very strict. my kid is good at sports b/c we gave him a ball at 2 and he just played a lot to develop coordination.
not so much for other cultures that sign their kid up for a class at 7 and want them to be a star.

honestly nurture them and make them work hard, but don't lose sight of developing their happiness and confidence and working on having a good relationship.

there are A LOT of miserable overachievers.

Such as the Indian guy who hates being in law school and would rather be a teacher...

[Anonymous]

OP, what school is your child in that there is so many Indians? We are Indian and are looking for a school that is diverse and has some other Indian kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought Indian parents are Asian parents? Isn't India in Asia?

different cultures, PP . . . different cultures

yet, according to PP, with the same drive to turn their kids into superstars

[Anonymous]

Another Indian born and raised here -- in terms of what my parents did -- straight A's were expected and demanded and it was drilled into our heads that an occasional B was a bad grade, even in elementary school; extra math problems for YEARS; learning multiplication tables early -- there was an unbelievable hatred for those Trapper Keeper things (not sure if they make those) as they had a chart where you could look up multiplication tables instead of memorizing; no calculators on homework when young -- not until high school; and a general attitude that NOTHING else mattered besides school -- not friends, parties; soccer games etc.

I don't think an "American" family can comprehend the sheer amount of time that was spent talking about and planning for the (academic/future) in my home -- that's ALL that mattered.

As you got older (like 5th-6th grade+), it was all about "competition" -- i.e. all you heard is that so-and-so auntie's kid is SO smart because he just got into Princeton or Harvard Med/Law etc. I admit that's a bad thing to do, but for the right kind of kid it does work because it fuels a certain fire.

Later on (like high school) -- lots of lecturing if you considered pursuing anything "unmarketable" in college. There was almost no support in my family for majors like English, history, politics etc. In my family the only "acceptable" courses of study were engineering, med, or finance/accounting or law -- but even law had to involve an engineering or finance undergrad, just in case the law thing doesn't work out.

In terms of academic and professional success, it is not a terrible way to be raised -- it's a formula that works. However, there are lots of Indians now in their 20-30s who are unfulfilled and feel like they lack connections with friends because they were taught that ALL that matters was professional success and by extension -- money. Look for those Indians to be the ones who don't push their kids so hard, allow them to enjoy normal childhoods, and allow them to choose their own paths. I go back and forth as to whether I'd raise my kids the same way -- I do see value in it . . . .

[Anonymous]

Indian guys LOVE strip clubs. And tend to be socially awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is a very bright girl and we make sure she studies and encourage her to learn and grow all the time. But our elementary school is overrun with Indian and Asian kids who get the best grades and seem to study next year's curriculum over the summer. They take the prizes and awards, and just seem to acing everything. Makes me think of the spelling bee and how Indian kids always win it.

I really want to know, what is it that you do? It can't be that all Indian and Chinese kids are the smartest. There is something that the parents are doing. I'd love to know the exact step by step method of child raising that they do?

?? OP -- why don't you tell us? If you wanted your kid to win prizes for the best grades, how do you think you would do that?

You are correct that all Indian and Chinese kids are not the smartest. So if we're not the smartest, what do you think we are doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another Indian born and raised here -- in terms of what my parents did -- straight A's were expected and demanded and it was drilled into our heads that an occasional B was a bad grade, even in elementary school; extra math problems for YEARS; learning multiplication tables early -- there was an unbelievable hatred for those Trapper Keeper things (not sure if they make those) as they had a chart where you could look up multiplication tables instead of memorizing; no calculators on homework when young -- not until high school; and a general attitude that NOTHING else mattered besides school -- not friends, parties; soccer games etc.

I don't think an "American" family can comprehend the sheer amount of time that was spent talking about and planning for the (academic/future) in my home -- that's ALL that mattered.

As you got older (like 5th-6th grade+), it was all about "competition" -- i.e. all you heard is that so-and-so auntie's kid is SO smart because he just got into Princeton or Harvard Med/Law etc. I admit that's a bad thing to do, but for the right kind of kid it does work because it fuels a certain fire.

Later on (like high school) -- lots of lecturing if you considered pursuing anything "unmarketable" in college. There was almost no support in my family for majors like English, history, politics etc. In my family the only "acceptable" courses of study were engineering, med, or finance/accounting or law -- but even law had to involve an engineering or finance undergrad, just in case the law thing doesn't work out.

In terms of academic and professional success, it is not a terrible way to be raised -- it's a formula that works. However, there are lots of Indians now in their 20-30s who are unfulfilled and feel like they lack connections with friends because they were taught that ALL that matters was professional success and by extension -- money. Look for those Indians to be the ones who don't push their kids so hard, allow them to enjoy normal childhoods, and allow them to choose their own paths. I go back and forth as to whether I'd raise my kids the same way -- I do see value in it . . . .

You know, turn this around to a white/black family who wants their kid to win a athletic scholarship or beauty pagent, and it's pretty much the same story. The only difference is the end goal. What's the big mystery?

[Anonymous]

Our parents pretty much ignored us, yet my siblings and won most of the awards and contests. Who knew?

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's impossible to achieve on that level for American born or highly assimilated immigrants because they don't have the hunger to achieve.

[Anonymous]

17:39 here -- yes, it's much like a white/black family that is focused on getting their kid a D1 sports scholarship; I feel like the training for that in certain families starts very early and continues all the way until that goal is reached. Family vacations, funds, and conversation all seem to center on sports, the right camps, being seen by the right coaches etc. Many Indians have that same extremism about academics. I guess it's a mystery to people because it is odd. In America you seen people who are that "into" sports, but being that "into" school in the 2nd grade is odd -- even to me, and I was raised in that culture.

Sure giving your kid ball handling skills in 2nd grade is important if you're gunning for a basketball scholarship down the road, but whether the kid makes straight As in 2nd grade or not will not be reflected on his high school transcript -- though I guess it's about laying the foundation, habits, and expectations early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another Indian born and raised here -- in terms of what my parents did -- straight A's were expected and demanded and it was drilled into our heads that an occasional B was a bad grade, even in elementary school; extra math problems for YEARS; learning multiplication tables early -- there was an unbelievable hatred for those Trapper Keeper things (not sure if they make those) as they had a chart where you could look up multiplication tables instead of memorizing; no calculators on homework when young -- not until high school; and a general attitude that NOTHING else mattered besides school -- not friends, parties; soccer games etc.

I don't think an "American" family can comprehend the sheer amount of time that was spent talking about and planning for the (academic/future) in my home -- that's ALL that mattered.

As you got older (like 5th-6th grade+), it was all about "competition" -- i.e. all you heard is that so-and-so auntie's kid is SO smart because he just got into Princeton or Harvard Med/Law etc. I admit that's a bad thing to do, but for the right kind of kid it does work because it fuels a certain fire.

Later on (like high school) -- lots of lecturing if you considered pursuing anything "unmarketable" in college. There was almost no support in my family for majors like English, history, politics etc. In my family the only "acceptable" courses of study were engineering, med, or finance/accounting or law -- but even law had to involve an engineering or finance undergrad, just in case the law thing doesn't work out.

In terms of academic and professional success, it is not a terrible way to be raised -- it's a formula that works. However, there are lots of Indians now in their 20-30s who are unfulfilled and feel like they lack connections with friends because they were taught that ALL that matters was professional success and by extension -- money. Look for those Indians to be the ones who don't push their kids so hard, allow them to enjoy normal childhoods, and allow them to choose their own paths. I go back and forth as to whether I'd raise my kids the same way -- I do see value in it . . . .

I am Indian and didn't have this experience at all - I don't think it's just the pressure. My parents never told me to do my homework, if I got a bad grade they just wanted to know whether I truly put my full effort in, and then helped me improve my grades by studying with me and helping the best I could. My house was the house where all my friends could gather and feel welcome, it was practically a youth hostel on college breaks with so many people staying over! Yet by Indian standards we're very successful - my brothers and I all went to top ten undergrad/graduate schools, one doctor and two lawyers. Much harsher relatives often point to us as the success stories and compared their kids to us. I won't be drilling my kids or make learning a chore.

I remember asking my dad whether he would be okay if I pursued urban planning. he was stunned that I even asked, and told me that as long as I pushed myself and applied myself in whatever I did, he'd be proud of me. When my cousin was accepted into a music conservatory, her parents were reluctant, but my dad made a huge deal of it and they let her go. I'd rather follow the route my parents took. We're all much happier people than others who are financially successful but don't like their jobs.

[Anonymous]

^^^^^What state in India are your parents from?

[Anonymous]

Weird and creepy, creepy and weird.