How do Indian and Asian parents do it?

[Anonymous]

Different things for different families -- my Indian family was much like the PP described and certainly would not be ok with an urban planning major or a music conservatory; I vividly remember laughter when an Indian kid said he was going to a liberal arts college (yes -- I thought that was rude). And when you got a bad grade, it wasn't really about whether you put in your best effort or how to improve -- rather it was -- you must improve so that this grade is an A by the end of the semester/yr. I don't know that anyone cared if I really understood Shakespeare or not, as long as I got an A.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is a very bright girl and we make sure she studies and encourage her to learn and grow all the time. But our elementary school is overrun with Indian and Asian kids who get the best grades and seem to study next year's curriculum over the summer. They take the prizes and awards, and just seem to acing everything. Makes me think of the spelling bee and how Indian kids always win it.

I really want to know, what is it that you do? It can't be that all Indian and Chinese kids are the smartest. There is something that the parents are doing. I'd love to know the exact step by step method of child raising that they do?

Step One, turn off the TV...
Step Two, get a life...

[Anonymous]

They don't . They kill themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought Indian parents are Asian parents? Isn't India in Asia?

Yes but in American we call them Indian because only Koreans, Japanese, and Chinese are "Asian". Oh, and Russia's mostly in Asia too but no one calls them Asians.

[Anonymous]

How do Indian parents do it? Lots of hard work and sacrifice for their children and no life of their own.

Why do they do it? Here is the mindset - they have come from a culture where the difference between the have-nots and haves was very stark, and education was the way to salvation. Coming to the US these fears were not removed but exaggerated the first time they faced the glass ceiling.

There was a naivete when they first came here that merit will be a great equalizer, but then they watch themselves being bypassed at work frequently. Then they are told that they are different. They are a minority but unlike Hispanics or AA they will not be given any breaks. They will compete with whites, but because of their skin color they don't have to be just better than the whites, they have to be exponentially better than the whites.

So as a result this is what happens. Indians don't just prepare, they over-prepare.

They save like crazy, live frugally, because God forbid they have to take any handouts from someone. They will pay for education for their kids for how ever many years it takes them to be a doctor or lawyer or engineer. Very rarely does an Indian kid walks away with a student debt.

They will push and push and push their kids. And in the process they will push themselves. You will see that the Geography Bee and Spelling Bee has tons of Indian kids and their parents in the audience. This is just plain hard work. Work till there is nothing else in your life, kind of hard work.

And they do not assimilate. Why should they? This country did not invest in their education. They were the result of brain drain from India. They have paid taxes and were legal immigrants and have not been on welfare, since they arrived here. So they reject the "western" culture, before the "western culture" can reject them.

The idea is to be so well qualified, and have so many credentials that no one can deny them their rightful recognition and reward. Because we can depend on no one but ourselves.

Indians do not push their kids to satisfy their own ego. They push because they are afraid of their kids being treated unfairly.

[Anonymous]

Ancient Chinese Secret.

Seriously, it's not genetic, and it's not even exactly cultural. It's US immigration policies related to what's called the "brain drain"-- basically well-educated immigrants are fast tracked through immigration. A lot of these parents are PhDs... Or the children of them.

[Anonymous]

I want to know what the tiger moms do if their children have learning disabilities. Do they out crazy pressure on them? Does it help?

[Anonymous]

Amy Chua writes about this a bit because her sister had down syndrome:

http://amychua.com

Jokes aside about A+s and gold medals (much of my book is self-parody), in the end for me it’s not about grades or Ivy League schools. It’s about believing in your child more than anyone else – more than they believe in themselves – and helping them realize their potential, whatever it may be. My youngest sister, Cindy, has Down Syndrome, and I remember my mother spending hours and hours with her, teaching her to tie her own shoelaces, drilling multiplication tables, practicing piano every day with her. My mom wanted her to be the best she could be, within her limits. Today, Cindy works at Walmart, has a boyfriend, and still plays piano – one of her favorite things is performing for her friends. She and my mom have a wonderful relationship, and we all love her for who she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do Indian parents do it? Lots of hard work and sacrifice for their children and no life of their own.

Why do they do it? Here is the mindset - they have come from a culture where the difference between the have-nots and haves was very stark, and education was the way to salvation. Coming to the US these fears were not removed but exaggerated the first time they faced the glass ceiling.

There was a naivete when they first came here that merit will be a great equalizer, but then they watch themselves being bypassed at work frequently. Then they are told that they are different. They are a minority but unlike Hispanics or AA they will not be given any breaks. They will compete with whites, but because of their skin color they don't have to be just better than the whites, they have to be exponentially better than the whites.

So as a result this is what happens. Indians don't just prepare, they over-prepare.

They save like crazy, live frugally, because God forbid they have to take any handouts from someone. They will pay for education for their kids for how ever many years it takes them to be a doctor or lawyer or engineer. Very rarely does an Indian kid walks away with a student debt.

They will push and push and push their kids. And in the process they will push themselves. You will see that the Geography Bee and Spelling Bee has tons of Indian kids and their parents in the audience. This is just plain hard work. Work till there is nothing else in your life, kind of hard work.

And they do not assimilate. Why should they? This country did not invest in their education. They were the result of brain drain from India. They have paid taxes and were legal immigrants and have not been on welfare, since they arrived here. So they reject the "western" culture, before the "western culture" can reject them.

The idea is to be so well qualified, and have so many credentials that no one can deny them their rightful recognition and reward. Because we can depend on no one but ourselves.

Indians do not push their kids to satisfy their own ego. They push because they are afraid of their kids being treated unfairly.

I'm Indian and I agree with most of this. A lot of this is about fear -- fear of their kids being poor; fear that their kids won't rise high enough in the ranks etc. -- so it's about getting as many credentials and prestigious degrees as possible so they are better than the next guy. They understand that being as good as the Caucasian guy isn't enough -- in order to get their reward, they have to be 2 or 3 times as good. And happiness is no bar -- doesn't matter if you/your kid is miserable, you have to do it.

On a practical note, I will disagree that it is rare to see an indian kid with debt. Lots of my friends have significant student debt. While their parents did well, often it was in fields like engineering, which pay very well but don't have huge upside bonus potential like in law or finance; parents usually scrimp and save and provide every dollar they can for college, but often it still isn't enough to get 2 kids through the ivys plus law/med school at 50-60k/yr. I will say though, I have never known an Indian kid to have debt for a "non lucrative" field. I've known parents who say it's fine to have some debt if you are going into I-banking, biglaw, or medicine because you will pay it off, but have never seen anyone endorse it for a liberal arts degree without a defined career path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another Indian born and raised here -- in terms of what my parents did -- straight A's were expected and demanded and it was drilled into our heads that an occasional B was a bad grade, even in elementary school; extra math problems for YEARS; learning multiplication tables early -- there was an unbelievable hatred for those Trapper Keeper things (not sure if they make those) as they had a chart where you could look up multiplication tables instead of memorizing; no calculators on homework when young -- not until high school; and a general attitude that NOTHING else mattered besides school -- not friends, parties; soccer games etc.

I don't think an "American" family can comprehend the sheer amount of time that was spent talking about and planning for the (academic/future) in my home -- that's ALL that mattered.

As you got older (like 5th-6th grade+), it was all about "competition" -- i.e. all you heard is that so-and-so auntie's kid is SO smart because he just got into Princeton or Harvard Med/Law etc. I admit that's a bad thing to do, but for the right kind of kid it does work because it fuels a certain fire.

Later on (like high school) -- lots of lecturing if you considered pursuing anything "unmarketable" in college. There was almost no support in my family for majors like English, history, politics etc. In my family the only "acceptable" courses of study were engineering, med, or finance/accounting or law -- but even law had to involve an engineering or finance undergrad, just in case the law thing doesn't work out.

In terms of academic and professional success, it is not a terrible way to be raised -- it's a formula that works. However, there are lots of Indians now in their 20-30s who are unfulfilled and feel like they lack connections with friends because they were taught that ALL that matters was professional success and by extension -- money. Look for those Indians to be the ones who don't push their kids so hard, allow them to enjoy normal childhoods, and allow them to choose their own paths. I go back and forth as to whether I'd raise my kids the same way -- I do see value in it . . . .

I'm Jewish and 2nd generation American. This was definitely drilled into me and my grandparents all made many sacrifices to make a better life for future generations. Sure enough we all went to ivys, etc but I don't plan to put this level of pressure on my own kids. On the one hand I probably needed the push (whereas my brother and sister didn't), but on the other hand I struggled some with depression because I felt that I would never live up to my parents' sky high expectations. I emphasize social skills as much as academic, but we value a strong work ethic and I do sometimes hear my mother and dad's voice when I help my kids with homework, etc and I do expect them to chose majors in college that are marketable. We are saving and saving in that 529 and I want them to be able to support themselves one day, but they don't need to be doctors, lawyers, etc. Of course they better not be strippers, pimps or drug dealers either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do Indian parents do it? Lots of hard work and sacrifice for their children and no life of their own.

Why do they do it? Here is the mindset - they have come from a culture where the difference between the have-nots and haves was very stark, and education was the way to salvation. Coming to the US these fears were not removed but exaggerated the first time they faced the glass ceiling.

There was a naivete when they first came here that merit will be a great equalizer, but then they watch themselves being bypassed at work frequently. Then they are told that they are different. They are a minority but unlike Hispanics or AA they will not be given any breaks. They will compete with whites, but because of their skin color they don't have to be just better than the whites, they have to be exponentially better than the whites.

So as a result this is what happens. Indians don't just prepare, they over-prepare.

They save like crazy, live frugally, because God forbid they have to take any handouts from someone. They will pay for education for their kids for how ever many years it takes them to be a doctor or lawyer or engineer. Very rarely does an Indian kid walks away with a student debt.

They will push and push and push their kids. And in the process they will push themselves. You will see that the Geography Bee and Spelling Bee has tons of Indian kids and their parents in the audience. This is just plain hard work. Work till there is nothing else in your life, kind of hard work.

And they do not assimilate. Why should they? This country did not invest in their education. They were the result of brain drain from India. They have paid taxes and were legal immigrants and have not been on welfare, since they arrived here. So they reject the "western" culture, before the "western culture" can reject them.

The idea is to be so well qualified, and have so many credentials that no one can deny them their rightful recognition and reward. Because we can depend on no one but ourselves.

Indians do not push their kids to satisfy their own ego. They push because they are afraid of their kids being treated unfairly.

Too be honest, I am not sure there is a lot wrong with what they are doing and that there are plenty of minority Americans who need to start acting like this so their kids can get ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do Indian parents do it? Lots of hard work and sacrifice for their children and no life of their own.

Why do they do it? Here is the mindset - they have come from a culture where the difference between the have-nots and haves was very stark, and education was the way to salvation. Coming to the US these fears were not removed but exaggerated the first time they faced the glass ceiling.

There was a naivete when they first came here that merit will be a great equalizer, but then they watch themselves being bypassed at work frequently. Then they are told that they are different. They are a minority but unlike Hispanics or AA they will not be given any breaks. They will compete with whites, but because of their skin color they don't have to be just better than the whites, they have to be exponentially better than the whites.

So as a result this is what happens. Indians don't just prepare, they over-prepare.

They save like crazy, live frugally, because God forbid they have to take any handouts from someone. They will pay for education for their kids for how ever many years it takes them to be a doctor or lawyer or engineer. Very rarely does an Indian kid walks away with a student debt.

They will push and push and push their kids. And in the process they will push themselves. You will see that the Geography Bee and Spelling Bee has tons of Indian kids and their parents in the audience. This is just plain hard work. Work till there is nothing else in your life, kind of hard work.

And they do not assimilate. Why should they? This country did not invest in their education. They were the result of brain drain from India. They have paid taxes and were legal immigrants and have not been on welfare, since they arrived here. So they reject the "western" culture, before the "western culture" can reject them.

The idea is to be so well qualified, and have so many credentials that no one can deny them their rightful recognition and reward. Because we can depend on no one but ourselves.

Indians do not push their kids to satisfy their own ego. They push because they are afraid of their kids being treated unfairly.

Too be honest, I am not sure there is a lot wrong with what they are doing and that there are plenty of minority Americans who need to start acting like this so their kids can get ahead.

To be honest, you are not seeing the irony. They have to be exponentially better than whites and they will not get the breaks other minorities get to advance. There is poverty within Asian and Indian community as well. The affirmative action should be based on income not race. And most of us are still over-qualified and under-paid as compared to any other race.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:...Indians do not push their kids to satisfy their own ego...

read on DCUM that some Indians think they're a superior race/people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Amy Chua writes about this a bit because her sister had down syndrome:

http://amychua.com

Jokes aside about A+s and gold medals (much of my book is self-parody), in the end for me it’s not about grades or Ivy League schools. It’s about believing in your child more than anyone else – more than they believe in themselves – and helping them realize their potential, whatever it may be. My youngest sister, Cindy, has Down Syndrome, and I remember my mother spending hours and hours with her, teaching her to tie her own shoelaces, drilling multiplication tables, practicing piano every day with her. My mom wanted her to be the best she could be, within her limits. Today, Cindy works at Walmart, has a boyfriend, and still plays piano – one of her favorite things is performing for her friends. She and my mom have a wonderful relationship, and we all love her for who she is.

well when you put it like that, it doesn't sound too terrible...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...Indians do not push their kids to satisfy their own ego...

read on DCUM that some Indians think they're a superior race/people.

And most people here know that there's a lot of garbage written on DCUM that isn't true.