Would you be upset with your husband over this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend is a bitch but yes you should feel bad for holding out. Your husband has needs and he will probably go elsewhere if you don't put out, grandma.

Then he is a loser and someone else can have him.

You live in a dream world if you think holding out on sex is fair to your partner. I really can't blame someone for cheating unless there is a medical issue going on. Some women just assume their spouse will love them and be loyal no matter what and focus their attention instead on shopping, children, home decorating, etc. instead of their husbands. It's true to a certain extent but human beings have needs. We have friends for non-sexual relationships.

And you live in a dream world if you think the other spouse will be happy constantly having to give in to their spouse on this issue. Why are the needs of the high-libido partner more important? There are two sides to this issue yet you seem to only recognize the validity of one.

If it's that horrible having sex with your spouse you need to divorce.

First of all, it isn't horrible, we just don't agree on frequency. Second of all, I actually believe there's more to a good marriage than just sex.

If your husband's low libido bothers you that much buy a vibrator. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Huge problem that OP believes that most couples don't have much sex, that most DHs want it more than DWs, and that she needn't do anything about it. That's totally ignoring one of her DH's important needs, and its pretty hard to maintain a good relationship (whether marriage or friendship) when one partner outright ignores the needs of another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

First of all, it isn't horrible, we just don't agree on frequency. Second of all, I actually believe there's more to a good marriage than just sex.

If your husband's low libido bothers you that much buy a vibrator. Problem solved.

If you think a vibrator solves the problem, then you don't understand the problem.

And while there definitely is more to a good marriage than "just sex," for many (most?) people, sex is a necessary component of a good marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uhhh folks....it is a good thing for spouses to want to have sex with each other!! At least the person desires you and wants to have needs met inside the marrage. My goodness!! YOu don't want to fuck your DH and you dont want anyone else to fuck him either. That will work out great! LOL

Female here. After over 15 years of working on ways to mutually have our needs addressed (I was the high libido spouse, xH feel pressured because I wanted sex more than once a week), we separated. I simply wasn't able to continue to be monogamous, from age 42 until one of us died, with someone for whom sex is a pleasant 20 minutes, in one of two positions, per week. He now has a nice girlfriend who I'm sure is thrilled not to have to put out much. And although I miss him and our partnership sometimes, I'm deliriously happy to be free sexually. There really are people out there who like sex more than once or twice a week. If you're not married, hold out until you find someone who is well matched with you.

For many once or twice a week would be a dream come true! Many people are dealing with spouses who only want sex very, very infrequently and who otherwise reject intimacy with their spouse on a regular basis.

This is where I sound bitchy, but I make more money than my spouse, run the household, do more than half of the kid raising. I'm a pretty good catch. He can certainly put out at least twice a week to keep me, and all this good stuff, in his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

First of all, it isn't horrible, we just don't agree on frequency. Second of all, I actually believe there's more to a good marriage than just sex.

If your husband's low libido bothers you that much buy a vibrator. Problem solved.

If you think a vibrator solves the problem, then you don't understand the problem.

And while there definitely is more to a good marriage than "just sex," for many (most?) people, sex is a necessary component of a good marriage.

Agreed. DH used to have the low libido (turns out it was a medical problem that has since been fixed). Rejection from him led me to stop trying. And before I stopped trying I figured it was something to do with me. I spent months miserable trying to figure out what was wrong with our marriage and me. Eventually, I stopped trying. Why bother if 9 times out of 10 I was going to be rejected. When DH DID initiate, it was miserable. I spent the whole time being sad about the lack of sex in our life and why he didn't want it more. This then led to lack of affection. Why bother hugging, kissing, cuddling etc if I was just going to get turned on and have it lead no where, or just get sad about our lack of sex life. DH was miserable too because he knew how rejected I felt. This went on for about a year and we were in trouble. Finally figured out what was going on and he got meds. Now everything is great and we've rekindled the romance. It isn't the act of sex. It is all the emotions and feelings that go along with feeling attractive and loved, and being rejected over and over and over again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

First of all, it isn't horrible, we just don't agree on frequency. Second of all, I actually believe there's more to a good marriage than just sex.

If your husband's low libido bothers you that much buy a vibrator. Problem solved.

If you think a vibrator solves the problem, then you don't understand the problem.

And while there definitely is more to a good marriage than "just sex," for many (most?) people, sex is a necessary component of a good marriage.

+1

Sex isn't just a physical sensation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend is a bitch but yes you should feel bad for holding out. Your husband has needs and he will probably go elsewhere if you don't put out, grandma.

Then he is a loser and someone else can have him.

You live in a dream world if you think holding out on sex is fair to your partner. I really can't blame someone for cheating unless there is a medical issue going on. Some women just assume their spouse will love them and be loyal no matter what and focus their attention instead on shopping, children, home decorating, etc. instead of their husbands. It's true to a certain extent but human beings have needs. We have friends for non-sexual relationships.

And you live in a dream world if you think the other spouse will be happy constantly having to give in to their spouse on this issue. Why are the needs of the high-libido partner more important? There are two sides to this issue yet you seem to only recognize the validity of one.

Twice a week is "constantly" giving in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uhhh folks....it is a good thing for spouses to want to have sex with each other!! At least the person desires you and wants to have needs met inside the marrage. My goodness!! YOu don't want to fuck your DH and you dont want anyone else to fuck him either. That will work out great! LOL

Female here. After over 15 years of working on ways to mutually have our needs addressed (I was the high libido spouse, xH feel pressured because I wanted sex more than once a week), we separated. I simply wasn't able to continue to be monogamous, from age 42 until one of us died, with someone for whom sex is a pleasant 20 minutes, in one of two positions, per week. He now has a nice girlfriend who I'm sure is thrilled not to have to put out much. And although I miss him and our partnership sometimes, I'm deliriously happy to be free sexually. There really are people out there who like sex more than once or twice a week. If you're not married, hold out until you find someone who is well matched with you.

For many once or twice a week would be a dream come true! Many people are dealing with spouses who only want sex very, very infrequently and who otherwise reject intimacy with their spouse on a regular basis.

This is where I sound bitchy, but I make more money than my spouse, run the household, do more than half of the kid raising. I'm a pretty good catch. He can certainly put out at least twice a week to keep me, and all this good stuff, in his life.

I know husbands do this kind of math all the time. I do all this work. I make all this money. I give her a good house, she has lots of stuff, I do a bunch with the kids . . . but, still no sex. The problem is that it's the wrong equation; it'll drive you nuts. The low desire spouse wants all of these things, sure. But these often aren't the things that cause attraction. You'd be better off doing less of the things they know they want and more of the things that rev up his/her motor (if you can figure out what that is.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

First of all, it isn't horrible, we just don't agree on frequency. Second of all, I actually believe there's more to a good marriage than just sex.

If your husband's low libido bothers you that much buy a vibrator. Problem solved.

If you think a vibrator solves the problem, then you don't understand the problem.

And while there definitely is more to a good marriage than "just sex," for many (most?) people, sex is a necessary component of a good marriage.

Yes. I don't get male attention or affection from a vibrator. Is sexual release the only thing you get from the experience?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uhhh folks....it is a good thing for spouses to want to have sex with each other!! At least the person desires you and wants to have needs met inside the marrage. My goodness!! YOu don't want to fuck your DH and you dont want anyone else to fuck him either. That will work out great! LOL

Female here. After over 15 years of working on ways to mutually have our needs addressed (I was the high libido spouse, xH feel pressured because I wanted sex more than once a week), we separated. I simply wasn't able to continue to be monogamous, from age 42 until one of us died, with someone for whom sex is a pleasant 20 minutes, in one of two positions, per week. He now has a nice girlfriend who I'm sure is thrilled not to have to put out much. And although I miss him and our partnership sometimes, I'm deliriously happy to be free sexually. There really are people out there who like sex more than once or twice a week. If you're not married, hold out until you find someone who is well matched with you.

For many once or twice a week would be a dream come true! Many people are dealing with spouses who only want sex very, very infrequently and who otherwise reject intimacy with their spouse on a regular basis.

This is where I sound bitchy, but I make more money than my spouse, run the household, do more than half of the kid raising. I'm a pretty good catch. He can certainly put out at least twice a week to keep me, and all this good stuff, in his life.

I know husbands do this kind of math all the time. I do all this work. I make all this money. I give her a good house, she has lots of stuff, I do a bunch with the kids . . . but, still no sex. The problem is that it's the wrong equation; it'll drive you nuts. The low desire spouse wants all of these things, sure. But these often aren't the things that cause attraction. You'd be better off doing less of the things they know they want and more of the things that rev up his/her motor (if you can figure out what that is.)

I do enough already. He should rev his own motor up. I would if the shoe were on the other foot. What he wants is respect, but when he leaves me to carry the brunt of everything in our lives, sorry, I don't respect you, no.

[Anonymous]

Wow, some of you people sound really insecure. You feel personally rejected if your spouse won't have sex with you twice a week? Perhaps you need to work on improving your self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

Wow, these reads like sex addicts versus prudes.
I used to have a high libido. Then kids, full time work... It's hard to be in the mood. My husband still has a high need. I feel bad it's only 1-2 week and that he initiates. I wish I had the drive back, but I don't. When he caresses me, I immediately assume he wants it and get pissy. Although it's not that he trying to initiate, he's just expressing his affection. So it's something I need to work on.
OP - the woman was hitting on your husband. He did not know you confided in her, he was just letting you know he'd like it more. You already know that.
Why don't you see a doctor and see if you can take something to increase your libido? Or is there something that turns you on - maybe it's a romantic dinner, or a romantic movie. Whatever it is, make plans with your husband to do that so you're in the mood. And it doesn't need to be every week - it needs to be where you and husband both have your needs met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Newsflash people marriage is not only about sex. I have a truly great marriage, solid and healthy as a rock. But we have sex maybe 2-5 times a month. We are both fine with that, if either of us wanted it more we would say so. That said, there have been months where we haven't had sex or maybe only 1 or 2 times. It did not change the dynamic at all, we are each others best friend and this works for us. Any marriage that would fail due to lack of sex was never a strong one to begin with, and I believe that with every ounce of my being.

This x 1,000.

I used to think this was true but now I am starting to realize that some people just put a lot of importance on sex. Maybe they see it as a way to express love and romance, and without it, what's the point? Maybe they need it often to feel alive? I don't know because it's not that important to me personally but that doesn't mean that people who rate it differently than I do are wrong. It's great that you and your DH are on the same page about it. But for couples who aren't, yes, lack of sex can be a big, big issue, eventually leading to divorce.

Are you over 30? Didn't you ever date someone to whom sex was very important? It is very important to me for all of the reasons you list above, and more. What else makes you feel as alive as a sexual encounter? How do you express love and romance?

Hah, yes I'm over 30, which is probably part of the problem. I used to love sex in my late teens-late twenties but now I am tired all the time and just want to go to bed to sleep. I also SAH with my young kids so by the end of the day I am often "touched" out and just want to veg alone for a little while. This was especially true when I was breastfeeding. I like sex just fine but could happily go for long periods (months) without it. There are other ways to express love and affection imo. My H, on the other hand, is a very different creature and I think he does need really need that physical component to feel bonded and attached. So I try to accommodate him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Newsflash people marriage is not only about sex. I have a truly great marriage, solid and healthy as a rock. But we have sex maybe 2-5 times a month. We are both fine with that, if either of us wanted it more we would say so. That said, there have been months where we haven't had sex or maybe only 1 or 2 times. It did not change the dynamic at all, we are each others best friend and this works for us. Any marriage that would fail due to lack of sex was never a strong one to begin with, and I believe that with every ounce of my being.

This x 1,000.

I used to think this was true but now I am starting to realize that some people just put a lot of importance on sex. Maybe they see it as a way to express love and romance, and without it, what's the point? Maybe they need it often to feel alive? I don't know because it's not that important to me personally but that doesn't mean that people who rate it differently than I do are wrong. It's great that you and your DH are on the same page about it. But for couples who aren't, yes, lack of sex can be a big, big issue, eventually leading to divorce.

Are you over 30? Didn't you ever date someone to whom sex was very important? It is very important to me for all of the reasons you list above, and more. What else makes you feel as alive as a sexual encounter? How do you express love and romance?

Hah, yes I'm over 30, which is probably part of the problem. I used to love sex in my late teens-late twenties but now I am tired all the time and just want to go to bed to sleep. I also SAH with my young kids so by the end of the day I am often "touched" out and just want to veg alone for a little while. This was especially true when I was breastfeeding. I like sex just fine but could happily go for long periods (months) without it. There are other ways to express love and affection imo. My H, on the other hand, is a very different creature and I think he does need really need that physical component to feel bonded and attached. So I try to accommodate him.

^By the way, my "I used to think this was true" remark was directed to the idea that you should *never* have sex if you're not feeling it and that people who did that were just hopelessly retro and stuck in the 50s. Well, if I did that, we'd pretty much never have sex, lol. So yes, I do "throw him a bone" every now and then (twice a week) to maintain the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend is a bitch but yes you should feel bad for holding out. Your husband has needs and he will probably go elsewhere if you don't put out, grandma.

Then he is a loser and someone else can have him.

You live in a dream world if you think holding out on sex is fair to your partner. I really can't blame someone for cheating unless there is a medical issue going on. Some women just assume their spouse will love them and be loyal no matter what and focus their attention instead on shopping, children, home decorating, etc. instead of their husbands. It's true to a certain extent but human beings have needs. We have friends for non-sexual relationships.

And you live in a dream world if you think the other spouse will be happy constantly having to give in to their spouse on this issue. Why are the needs of the high-libido partner more important? There are two sides to this issue yet you seem to only recognize the validity of one.

Because it's assumed the high libido in question will lead him/her to meet their needs elsewhere. If the low libido person wants to stay married, they need to put out.