Husband - parenting fail last night - how upset should I be? (I need perspective)

[Anonymous]

I wonder how many of you self righteous women have ever had a moment where after a full day of kids, work, errands, cooking etc hasnt caught herself dozing off in a chair while their child played nearby. Well, one who would admit it. I have. The child was fine. Who says the kid sat in a soaked diaper for long? The child could have just peed the diaper not long before mom returned home. And if mom has to start off by saying something about not being able to trust her husband then she set herself (and her child up) for this failure. She has no business then leaving her husband in charge of the kid. Love it how people can slam someone. Go look at yourselves in the mirror and make sure you dont live in a glass house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a husband and father I'd say your husband's behavior was completely out of line.

It's possible that he brought your child to bed anticipating doing all of those things and simply fell asleep. However, the follow on to doing that is to be apologetic and try to resolve the situation - not roll over and act like a Neanderthal ("Me hunt in morning. Wife go away!")

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait one minute. You decided to get pregnant, then you had long discussions about what you expected of him. How much buy-in did you get from him? It sounds as if you set yourself up as the kid expert even before birth.

It's an ass-clown thing to take it out on the kid, but when you treat someone like a child, you often provoke yet more childish behaviour.

Op here. Um, you apparently totally misread my post. HE wanted to have a baby. HE pestered me for a year begging me to get pregnant, during which time I had very frank discussions on what he would need to do if we had a baby, and that i expected hiim to step up, etc. I finally agreed to start trying, and we had our DS. When DS was born, we had been together for 9 years. I've never claimed to be a kid expert. I only expected him to be able to feed DS, brush his teeth, and get him to bed at his bedtime so he wouldn't have a hart timme getting up for daycare in the morning. If it hadn't been a "school night", I wouldn't have cared about him still being up since I wouldn't have to get him up early in the morning. My MIL and FIL have even had discussions with me about what would happen if sommething happened to me. They fear that their own son would not be capable of taking care of DS, and they have told me they would seek custody of him. H's father is barely talking to him right now because of a "parenting fail" incident when he was visiting them in NYC (which I won't bother going into here).

When I talked to him about the other night, he apologized casually, like it was no big deal. I didn't yell, I was very calm about it, but I told him my concerns. His reaction was that I don't appreciate what he goes through to hunt and put meat on his family's table (bs, he hunts because he loves it, not because we need meat. We have too MUCH meat we can't fit it into our 2 freezers). He said I was just trying to cause conflict in our marriage and was being a nagging bitch. He said i have a mental problem where I'm trying to make myself into a martyr. I told him okay, would he go to counseling with me, so maybe I could get a diiagnosis for my mental problems. He got madd and is now no longer speaking to me, and he left to go hunting for the weekend. I'm pretty much to the point that I'm giving up on this marriage if he won't agree to go to counseling with me. (Excuse the typos, I'm typing real quick on my phone, because Im on my way out to take DS to a "touch a truck" think)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many of you self righteous women have ever had a moment where after a full day of kids, work, errands, cooking etc hasnt caught herself dozing off in a chair while their child played nearby. Well, one who would admit it. I have. The child was fine. Who says the kid sat in a soaked diaper for long? The child could have just peed the diaper not long before mom returned home. And if mom has to start off by saying something about not being able to trust her husband then she set herself (and her child up) for this failure. She has no business then leaving her husband in charge of the kid. Love it how people can slam someone. Go look at yourselves in the mirror and make sure you dont live in a glass house.

I agree in general and I don't think falling asleep is some horrific parenting crime. Nor do I think a 3 yr old being in a wet diaper or watching TV for a bit is worth hyperventilating about.

The issue for me in this post is that there are bigger issues - issues in the marriage and issues underlying the situation that happened last night that need to be dealt with based on what OP has posted. It sounds like dad is pretty disengaged and I think they need to figure out why and resolve that issue. They dynamic between them may be unhealthy, maybe mom has set up dad as the 'secondary' parent and he is playing the role, maybe he is lazy, who knows... That is what they need to focus on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait one minute. You decided to get pregnant, then you had long discussions about what you expected of him. How much buy-in did you get from him? It sounds as if you set yourself up as the kid expert even before birth.

It's an ass-clown thing to take it out on the kid, but when you treat someone like a child, you often provoke yet more childish behaviour.

Op here. Um, you apparently totally misread my post. HE wanted to have a baby. HE pestered me for a year begging me to get pregnant, during which time I had very frank discussions on what he would need to do if we had a baby, and that i expected hiim to step up, etc. I finally agreed to start trying, and we had our DS. When DS was born, we had been together for 9 years. I've never claimed to be a kid expert. I only expected him to be able to feed DS, brush his teeth, and get him to bed at his bedtime so he wouldn't have a hart timme getting up for daycare in the morning. If it hadn't been a "school night", I wouldn't have cared about him still being up since I wouldn't have to get him up early in the morning. My MIL and FIL have even had discussions with me about what would happen if sommething happened to me. They fear that their own son would not be capable of taking care of DS, and they have told me they would seek custody of him. H's father is barely talking to him right now because of a "parenting fail" incident when he was visiting them in NYC (which I won't bother going into here).

When I talked to him about the other night, he apologized casually, like it was no big deal. I didn't yell, I was very calm about it, but I told him my concerns. His reaction was that I don't appreciate what he goes through to hunt and put meat on his family's table (bs, he hunts because he loves it, not because we need meat. We have too MUCH meat we can't fit it into our 2 freezers). He said I was just trying to cause conflict in our marriage and was being a nagging bitch. He said i have a mental problem where I'm trying to make myself into a martyr. I told him okay, would he go to counseling with me, so maybe I could get a diiagnosis for my mental problems. He got madd and is now no longer speaking to me, and he left to go hunting for the weekend. I'm pretty much to the point that I'm giving up on this marriage if he won't agree to go to counseling with me. (Excuse the typos, I'm typing real quick on my phone, because Im on my way out to take DS to a "touch a truck" think)

Wow, that was quite a response - project, attack, leave. Says a lot about your DH. If he's not willing to go into counseling, you should still consider going by yourself, OP. Maybe learn new ways of dealing with him until you decide what to do about your marriage. Sorry, it doesn't sound like your marriage is in a very good place right now.

[Anonymous]

I am going to give this marriage zero chance of success. The part about him falling asleep really in the scheme of things not that bad. I am serious..child was in room with Disney on and dad asleep..happens. I would be livid about not wanting to help once you are back..that signifies all sorts of things. He is an ass..I would get out asap.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my life as a single mother (without the extreme bitterness). Maybe you should think about joining the ranks of single motherhood. Honestly, I could not deal with this behavior from a grown adult. If you cannot trust the person who helped create this child to take care of him by himself, that says a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read all the posts but just want to chime in. DH sounds like he really screwed up -- and maybe was really exhausted??

I agree that it would help to "treat him less as a child," as some PPs have said, but he also needs to take responsibility as a parent.

Personally, it sounds to me like DH has to be more involved on an everyday basis, not just when you go out once a month. He needs to be in charge of bedtime a few days a week so he knows what to expect and what to do. It's not okay to just fall asleep and plop the kid in your bed with the TV on. If he tried and tried and tried to get the kid to sleep but he refused, and after 1.5 hours he gave up and let him sit in the parents' bed, I could possibly understand it. But it doesn't sound like that!

My DH helps every single night. He is the one in charge of bedtime. I give a bath and do teeth-brushing, and then DH gets DS in his PJs, reads a book, and puts him to sleep. There is no reason why other fathers can't do this. It's a great chance to be with their children.

Exhausted from his obsession with hunting maybe?

[Anonymous]

Hubby is a schmuck.

[Anonymous]

New Poster here. OP, I haven't read through all 6 pages of this. I implore you to think long and hard about having a 2nd child with this man. If he is unwilling (and I say unwilling, because he is perfectly capable. There is nothing about being a female that makes us more capable of brushing a child's teeth) to be as active in the caring of your child as you need him to be, he is not suddenly going to change his behavior with the workload is doubled.

I made it VERY clear to my husband what I expected about our partnership before we started our family. In our case, we both work full time and I wanted a full partnership in the raising of our children. He absolutely has taken on his share of the responsibility. But if he hadn't - there would have have been a second child.

I know this is harsh, but it probably needs to be harsh. If you have a second child with this man, you can not complain about his lack of involvement. You should blame yourself for being a fool.

[Anonymous]

I'm with the PPs who said the biggest problem was not getting up once you got home to help with something. My DH can fall asleep anywhere. At 3 years old, my son was good enough to sit watching TV and not get into trouble -- heck, I used to do that on nights when DH was away and son was just bouncing off the walls. I'd put child in pajamas and put him on my bed and turn on PBS kids. If he was surly for daycare in the morning, that's on him and he can nap there. But in general as long as my child is not being fed rat poison or given plutonium to play with, I let things slide if it means I can occasionally get out and do stuff without the kid.

But when I do come home and he's snoozing, he gets up either of his own volition or after shouting in the ear or ice down the back. I don't care how tired he is. You needed some help, and he didn't want to provide any because he wanted to do what he wanted to do. That's the main issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read all the posts but just want to chime in. DH sounds like he really screwed up -- and maybe was really exhausted??

I agree that it would help to "treat him less as a child," as some PPs have said, but he also needs to take responsibility as a parent.

Personally, it sounds to me like DH has to be more involved on an everyday basis, not just when you go out once a month. He needs to be in charge of bedtime a few days a week so he knows what to expect and what to do. It's not okay to just fall asleep and plop the kid in your bed with the TV on. If he tried and tried and tried to get the kid to sleep but he refused, and after 1.5 hours he gave up and let him sit in the parents' bed, I could possibly understand it. But it doesn't sound like that!

My DH helps every single night. He is the one in charge of bedtime. I give a bath and do teeth-brushing, and then DH gets DS in his PJs, reads a book, and puts him to sleep. There is no reason why other fathers can't do this. It's a great chance to be with their children.

Exhausted from his obsession with hunting maybe?

He is exhausted bc he gets up at 4am to hunt. OP can you document these parenting fails and would that be grounds to deny him joint custody?

[Anonymous]

Yes, start documenting these parenting fails now and all the times you asked him to seek counseling. Don't depend on in-laws to back you up as a good parent. They may seek sole custody. I would see a lawyer now to better understand what might happen in a custody fight. This marriage isn't going to get better. So sorry OP. I cannot imagine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many of you self righteous women have ever had a moment where after a full day of kids, work, errands, cooking etc hasnt caught herself dozing off in a chair while their child played nearby. Well, one who would admit it. I have. The child was fine. Who says the kid sat in a soaked diaper for long? The child could have just peed the diaper not long before mom returned home. And if mom has to start off by saying something about not being able to trust her husband then she set herself (and her child up) for this failure. She has no business then leaving her husband in charge of the kid. Love it how people can slam someone. Go look at yourselves in the mirror and make sure you dont live in a glass house.

What what now? NP here, full-time working mom, and in my wildest imagination, cannot imagine basically telling spouse to eft off with the request for help after so royally screwing up with my small child. You have low standards, PP.

[Anonymous]

okay I will be the weird one I wouldnt be mad BUT its because I think you both are responsible for the father her has become

you need to leave them and let them figure it out

dads supposed to drop off let him know you willbe leaving the house at 7 each day for work and he needs to drop jr off and them do it

sure it will be a disaster for a few weeks but it usually works itself out....

I wouldnt comment on any of the fails enless its a safety issue like he not using a carseat ..... eating donuts for breakfast going with no socks whatever itll be okay

your kid wont remember the wet diaper in 20 years hell remember hangin with dad watching tv

yes I think last night sucked and Im sorry