Husband - parenting fail last night - how upset should I be? (I need perspective)

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have bigger problems hi chis why last night was also a big issue - it was just more in-your-face evidence of the underlying issues.

On its own last night to me wasn't a big deal, but in combination with everything else - the issues overall are a big deal. I don't think a conversation about last night is going to make much of a difference. You need to deal with the underlying issues that have now been there for a couple years.

Maybe time for marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By the way:

1) DH is a hunter? Eeeeewwww.

2) He goes hunting on weekdays? Doesn't he have a job?

The hunting thing started about 2 years ago, and has just gotten worse (more of an obsession). He was not the type of guy even remotely interested in hunting when we got married. He is a completely different person than who I married.

He works part time. So far this hunting season, he has gotten up early almost every morning and gone hunting before going to work.

[Anonymous]

The fact that he fell asleep is not good, but I assume it was an accident? I will say that my husband has fallen asleep in bed watching TV with my 4 year old son, and I wasn't too upset about it, because my kid can use the bathroom independently, his teeth were brushed, and he was sitting right next to his dad. But what is your husband's excuse for not waking up to help you once you asked him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
everybody has bad days. and no one was put in danger here. so, yeah, i'd be mad but not livid. he should own up to it and it definitely shouldn't happen on a regular basis. (I, however, would have drug his lardass out of bed to help with the groceries. With a pitcher of icewater if necessary.)

the bigger red flag is that you "don't really trust" him to take care of the kid. that could mean lots of different things. him making minor to major screw-ups on occasion or regularly? you trying to control every aspect of his parenting? him throwing in the towel because he can't do things right for you? You not giving him a chance to learn how to take care of the kid on his own? him not getting invested in figuring things out for himself? some combination of these? that's what you need to get to the bottom of.

when sleep-deprived, my DH adopts something of a sullen teenage boy approach where he tries to do as little as possible without directly confronting me about anything, and apologizes immediately if called out just to get me to shut up. I make the most headway on this lamentable habit if I discuss later, after he's had a good night's sleep. it still happens. but less.

No, I'm pretty chill and relaxed about parenting. I'm in no way a helicopter parent or even close. This issue has happened before (him falling asleep and not putting DS to bed). He also does really stupid stuff like giving a 2 year old gum, and other choking hazzards, no matter how many times I explain to him why it's dangerous. He's also never given DS a bath. Ever. He also refuses to do the morning daycare dropoff, even though he works part time, and I work full time. He did it 1 time, on the 1st day, then told me it was too much for him to handle in the mornings and I would have to do it (we had agreed before getting pregnant that he would do the morning drop-offs)

time for a serious state of the relationship talk, then. it's not really a parenting problem. well, it is, but it is first a relationship problem because he's not your partner. if I were you, I would not make it about this specific incident (other than an illustrative example). if it were just this incident, it might be okay for him to apologize and then move on with no real changes. something more is needed here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a parenting issue. This is a marriage issue. You do not trust your husband to take proper care of your 3 year old? That's not good. It sounds like your husband knows that he screwed up (in that he did not follow your instructions - which he should not need, since he is a parent also and should be able to properly care for his child without instructions). I would use this as an opportunity to talk about this issue. You need to be able to leave them alone together. He needs to be confident that you're not going to get pissed at him if he doesn't do exactly what you'd do.

Well, she shouldn't be giving instructions. It's not like she's in charge or something.

What instructions?? All she did was call and say that she was stuck in traffic and not to wait for her return to put the kid to bed. That's not exactly micromanaging!

[Anonymous]

Oh Dear God. My sister's husband is like this - cannot take care of their 2 DDs for more than an hour, does nothing around the house, puts his hobbies ahead of the family. OP, nip this in the bud right now, it will NOT magically get better on its own.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. I just felt like I stewed over it for so long last night, laying in bed, I need to calm down and get some perspective before I talk to him about it. I really thought he was going to step up with parenting, as before I agreed to get pregnant, we had in-depth conversations about what I expected from him, etc. He didn't really keep up his end of the bargain. At all. He is great at changing diapers (when he's awake), and he loves playing with DS, but he just doesn't have any interest in doing the non-fun stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. I just felt like I stewed over it for so long last night, laying in bed, I need to calm down and get some perspective before I talk to him about it. I really thought he was going to step up with parenting, as before I agreed to get pregnant, we had in-depth conversations about what I expected from him, etc. He didn't really keep up his end of the bargain. At all. He is great at changing diapers (when he's awake), and he loves playing with DS, but he just doesn't have any interest in doing the non-fun stuff.

And yet he only works part time?? You need to have a come to jesus meeting with him. Then leave him with the kid for a weekend and let him figure it all out.

[Anonymous]

Nobody has any interest in the non-fun stuff, but it's part of the deal. I agree with PPs who say this is really a bigger issue than just one night. Falling asleep while watching a 3 year old? No big deal; my DH does that all the time. But not getting out of bed when you got home? Not ever giving DS a bath? Or do the morning drop off? He's not a partner in this and that is going to just get more irritating as time goes on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At least he feels remorseful about it. Was he drinking?

Is he usually like this or is this a one time goof?

everybody has bad days. and no one was put in danger here. so, yeah, i'd be mad but not livid. he should own up to it and it definitely shouldn't happen on a regular basis. (I, however, would have drug his lardass out of bed to help with the groceries. With a pitcher of icewater if necessary.)

the bigger red flag is that you "don't really trust" him to take care of the kid. that could mean lots of different things. him making minor to major screw-ups on occasion or regularly? you trying to control every aspect of his parenting? him throwing in the towel because he can't do things right for you? You not giving him a chance to learn how to take care of the kid on his own? him not getting invested in figuring things out for himself? some combination of these? that's what you need to get to the bottom of.

when sleep-deprived, my DH adopts something of a sullen teenage boy approach where he tries to do as little as possible without directly confronting me about anything, and apologizes immediately if called out just to get me to shut up. I make the most headway on this lamentable habit if I discuss later, after he's had a good night's sleep. it still happens. but less.

No, I'm pretty chill and relaxed about parenting. I'm in no way a helicopter parent or even close. This issue has happened before (him falling asleep and not putting DS to bed). He also does really stupid stuff like giving a 2 year old gum, and other choking hazzards, no matter how many times I explain to him why it's dangerous. He's also never given DS a bath. Ever. He also refuses to do the morning daycare dropoff, even though he works part time, and I work full time. He did it 1 time, on the 1st day, then told me it was too much for him to handle in the mornings and I would have to do it (we had agreed before getting pregnant that he would do the morning drop-offs)

The more you post OP the less I think of your husband. It's time for parenting classes. My DH can be an idiot sometimes ( read forgot to put DS lunch box in his cubby the one day he did preschool drop off this week, but it doesn't happen often and he does all wake ups, morning baths & Saturday mornings while I go to yoga, in short we equally parent our 2 kids) You need to see a marriage counselor & a parenting coach if you expect to see a change.

[Anonymous]

Is he really hunting in the morning? Sounds like something else may be going on...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By the way:

1) DH is a hunter? Eeeeewwww.

2) He goes hunting on weekdays? Doesn't he have a job?

The hunting thing started about 2 years ago, and has just gotten worse (more of an obsession). He was not the type of guy even remotely interested in hunting when we got married. He is a completely different person than who I married.

He works part time. So far this hunting season, he has gotten up early almost every morning and gone hunting before going to work.

I'm not saying this to further erode your trust in your husband Op but could the hunting really be an excuse for him seeing another woman? Do you know for sure that he's hunting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he really hunting in the morning? Sounds like something else may be going on...

Trust me, no. He's hunting (as I'm picturing all the ground venison I stayed up til 2am the other night vacuum packaging, and the severed deer head that is currently in our chest freezer...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By the way:

1) DH is a hunter? Eeeeewwww.

2) He goes hunting on weekdays? Doesn't he have a job?

The hunting thing started about 2 years ago, and has just gotten worse (more of an obsession). He was not the type of guy even remotely interested in hunting when we got married. He is a completely different person than who I married.

He works part time. So far this hunting season, he has gotten up early almost every morning and gone hunting before going to work.

I'm not saying this to further erode your trust in your husband Op but could the hunting really be an excuse for him seeing another woman? Do you know for sure that he's hunting?

I am 100% positive he is hunting. Definitely no other woman.

[Anonymous]

Does he leave the carcasses in the car/truck while he's at work? I don't understand the logistics of hunting before work...

On your original question, your husband is an asshole and I would be livid.