Husband - parenting fail last night - how upset should I be? (I need perspective)
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Anonymous
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Okay, I rarely go out with my friends anymore, because I don't really trust my H to take proper care of our DS (almost 3 years old) by himself. Once per month, I drive out to Bowie after I get off work, to stock up at BJ's. I usually am home by 9pm. Yesterday, traffic was terrible both ways, etc. and I didn't get back until 10:30. On the way out, I call H and told him I would be home after DS's bedtime, so to make sure to put him to bed and not wait for me to do it. I walk in around 10:30pm last night to find H in bed asleep, and DS watching the Disney channel. WFT?? His bedtime is 9pm. So, apparently, H took DS to our bedroom, sat him in bed with him, turned on the TV, and just went to sleep. He didn't brush his teeth. His diaper was soaked. I got DS to bed, and tried to wake up H to help me carry in the groceries (it's a LOT of groceries). He refuses, says he's sleeping and getting up early to go hunting, and to go away. again, WTF? I had to carry all the groceries in and up our stairs by myself (we don't have a driveway either, it's street parking). By the time I got everythig put away and got into bed, I couldn't sleep because I was so mad. He got up at 4am and left to go hunting. He's texted me twice this morning saying how much he loves me, etc. (read - he knows he f'd up and is trying to be really nice to me rather than just apologizing or taking responsibility).
How upset would you be? Now, I don't plan on going balistic or anything, but do I have a right to be as mad as I am? I'm pretty sure when I confront him, he's going to blow it off as not a big deal. But, he's not the one who has to get DS up in the morning and get him to daycare on time. He was extrememely tired this morning, and it was not a pleasant morning for me or him. |
Anonymous
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I think the poor kid in the dirty diaper is just plain mean. I'd be pissed.
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Anonymous
| I'd be pretty pissed. He can't get the kid to bed? Really? He might not have meant to fall asleep, and he might be embarrassed, but he needs to own up to it. And he certainly should have gotten up and helped you clean up your kid and get the groceries in. I might have gotten a little shrieky and woken him up further. |
Anonymous
| I'd be furious. Maybe not over any individual thing, but everything put together -- not putting your son to bed, falling asleep when your young son was still awake, refusing to help you with the groceries, leaving the next morning for a fun day on his own -- would make me furious. Combined with the fact that you generally don't trust him to take care of the child you have together, suggests the need for marriage counseling, stat. |
Anonymous
| This is not a parenting issue. This is a marriage issue. You do not trust your husband to take proper care of your 3 year old? That's not good. It sounds like your husband knows that he screwed up (in that he did not follow your instructions - which he should not need, since he is a parent also and should be able to properly care for his child without instructions). I would use this as an opportunity to talk about this issue. You need to be able to leave them alone together. He needs to be confident that you're not going to get pissed at him if he doesn't do exactly what you'd do. |
Anonymous
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At least he feels remorseful about it. Was he drinking?
Is he usually like this or is this a one time goof? |
Anonymous
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I'm with you, OP. Totally unacceptable. He needs to grow up and be a parent. Three years is enough time to do that.
My DH is a great, responsible father, but like your husband, when he screws anything up he also acts extra nice but won't acknowledge his mistakes. Drives me nuts, because without showing appreciation for what he did, I can't be reassured that he'll try not to repeat his actions. He just wants me to be over it. |
Anonymous
If your husband can't take care of your 3 year old, there is something seriously wrong with you guys. You can't go out because your husband can't take care of toddler? And WTF is with your 3 year old in a soaked diaper. Get some help....now. |
Anonymous
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As a husband and father I'd say your husband's behavior was completely out of line.
It's possible that he brought your child to bed anticipating doing all of those things and simply fell asleep. However, the follow on to doing that is to be apologetic and try to resolve the situation - not roll over and act like a Neanderthal ("Me hunt in morning. Wife go away!") |
Anonymous
| I would be very angry about the specific incident, but also it sounds like it is indicative of a very unhealthy dynamic going on in your relationship. I can't imagine not being able to trust my husband to be with our children or put them to bed properly when I am away, or having him react the way your husband did to this situation. Also, my husband would never plan a trip of any kind without talking to me about it first. I would not accept that kind of behavior from someone who is supposed to be my partner in life and in raising children -- we would be going to marriage counseling. |
Anonymous
| Was he drunk? |
Anonymous
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Yeah, that's pretty bad. If he fell asleep by accident (that is, he only meant to lay with DS in bed for a moment and zonked out), then he should've bolted up when you got there and helped put DS down (or helped you with the groceries).
To me, hunting is recreation. You shouldn't get to forego household responsibilities because of recreation in the morning. He sounds disrespectful of you and your DS. |
Anonymous
Well, she shouldn't be giving instructions. It's not like she's in charge or something. |
Anonymous
everybody has bad days. and no one was put in danger here. so, yeah, i'd be mad but not livid. he should own up to it and it definitely shouldn't happen on a regular basis. (I, however, would have drug his lardass out of bed to help with the groceries. With a pitcher of icewater if necessary.) the bigger red flag is that you "don't really trust" him to take care of the kid. that could mean lots of different things. him making minor to major screw-ups on occasion or regularly? you trying to control every aspect of his parenting? him throwing in the towel because he can't do things right for you? You not giving him a chance to learn how to take care of the kid on his own? him not getting invested in figuring things out for himself? some combination of these? that's what you need to get to the bottom of. when sleep-deprived, my DH adopts something of a sullen teenage boy approach where he tries to do as little as possible without directly confronting me about anything, and apologizes immediately if called out just to get me to shut up. I make the most headway on this lamentable habit if I discuss later, after he's had a good night's sleep. it still happens. but less. |
Anonymous
It occurred to me that maybe he had been drinking. There was 1 empty beer can on the coffe table. I checked the trash and recycling though, and there wansn't any more, so it looks like he only had 1 beer. I rarely stay out late enough that he would need to put our son down, because this type of thing has happened before (him falling asleep and not putting DS to bed) |