Husband - parenting fail last night - how upset should I be? (I need perspective)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you, OP. Totally unacceptable. He needs to grow up and be a parent. Three years is enough time to do that.

My DH is a great, responsible father, but like your husband, when he screws anything up he also acts extra nice but won't acknowledge his mistakes. Drives me nuts, because without showing appreciation for what he did, I can't be reassured that he'll try not to repeat his actions. He just wants me to be over it.

OP here...are we married to the same man?

[Anonymous]

OP, I would be mad, but you must recognize that you have created this monster. From the minute your kid came home from the hospital, you needed to establish an expectation that you were partners in parenting. Being partners doesn't have to mean an exact 50-50 split, by the way. It does mean that your husband should be able to put the kid to bed solo. He should be as familiar with the normal bedtime routine as you, and he should do it. Again, one parent might not do things EXACTLY the same way, but there should be a general consensus of expectation.
You've allowed 3 years of learned helplessness get entrenched in your husband's dealings with your son. When he returns home, you two need to hire a babysitter, and find a calm time to go out and discuss this.

[Anonymous]

I'm really sorry OP. I got so pissed half way through your post that I had to click away and read something else and then come back to it.

So many fails:
-Not adhering to 9pm bedtime
-Not brushing his teeth
-Not changing his diaper
-Sleeping while the young child is awake and unattended
-Not helping you with groceries
-Not helping you get the child up and ready for daycare in the morning since he made the mistake and let the child stay up past bedtime
-Sleeping so that he can get up to enjoy a day of leisure activities while you were exhausted from hauling in the groceries the night before and trying to get a cranky child up and ready for daycare only to have to go and spend a long day at work.

What? I have no words. Try and take it easy today at work. I'm sure you're very tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a parenting issue. This is a marriage issue. You do not trust your husband to take proper care of your 3 year old? That's not good. It sounds like your husband knows that he screwed up (in that he did not follow your instructions - which he should not need, since he is a parent also and should be able to properly care for his child without instructions). I would use this as an opportunity to talk about this issue. You need to be able to leave them alone together. He needs to be confident that you're not going to get pissed at him if he doesn't do exactly what you'd do.

If your husband can't take care of your 3 year old, there is something seriously wrong with you guys.

You can't go out because your husband can't take care of toddler? And WTF is with your 3 year old in a soaked diaper.

Get some help....now.

We are working on potty training, but DS is not very receptive yet. He's not 3 yet, he'll be 3 in February.

[Anonymous]

My shrink would say: He was a ass. You are supposed to be a team. Reverse it. It's a great way to get him to "try" to see your side. How would he feel/like it if the situation was reversed??? He lacked any consideration/caring for you and your long day.
Sorry!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, that's pretty bad. If he fell asleep by accident (that is, he only meant to lay with DS in bed for a moment and zonked out), then he should've bolted up when you got there and helped put DS down (or helped you with the groceries).

To me, hunting is recreation. You shouldn't get to forego household responsibilities because of recreation in the morning. He sounds disrespectful of you and your DS.

I'm starting to think he has an actual addiction/obsession with hunting. It's all he ever does, and he neglects other responsibilites to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At least he feels remorseful about it. Was he drinking?

Is he usually like this or is this a one time goof?

It occurred to me that maybe he had been drinking. There was 1 empty beer can on the coffe table. I checked the trash and recycling though, and there wansn't any more, so it looks like he only had 1 beer.

I rarely stay out late enough that he would need to put our son down, because this type of thing has happened before (him falling asleep and not putting DS to bed)

I agree that this sounds like a problem. He needs to know how to care for your child. I know from experience that sometimes mothers find it gratifying to be the only one who does it "right," but that can later create an unhealthy dynamic where the kids don't want to be cared for by dad, or the dad is shut out for so long that he gives up trying. Is your husband on board with wanting to do more?

[Anonymous]

By the way:

1) DH is a hunter? Eeeeewwww.

2) He goes hunting on weekdays? Doesn't he have a job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not a parenting issue. This is a marriage issue. You do not trust your husband to take proper care of your 3 year old? That's not good. It sounds like your husband knows that he screwed up (in that he did not follow your instructions - which he should not need, since he is a parent also and should be able to properly care for his child without instructions). I would use this as an opportunity to talk about this issue. You need to be able to leave them alone together. He needs to be confident that you're not going to get pissed at him if he doesn't do exactly what you'd do.

This. Different parents, different ways of doing things. Maybe use this as a talking point in that you both need to alternate putting DS to bed? Why doesn't DH put DS to bed ever?

[Anonymous]

I don't think your DH was that bad. Your kid wasn't hurt.

I would just say calmly, "I know it's hard to put Cody to bed, but I worry if you are sleeping that Cody could get into something and get hurt. What can we do to make sure this doesn't happen again?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think your DH was that bad. Your kid wasn't hurt.

I would just say calmly, "I know it's hard to put Cody to bed, but I worry if you are sleeping that Cody could get into something and get hurt. What can we do to make sure this doesn't happen again?"

One of the pps here. Its not just the fact that the child stayed up past bedtime. The issue is that there are some many other ways that the husband was disrespectful of his wife and child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At least he feels remorseful about it. Was he drinking?

Is he usually like this or is this a one time goof?

everybody has bad days. and no one was put in danger here. so, yeah, i'd be mad but not livid. he should own up to it and it definitely shouldn't happen on a regular basis. (I, however, would have drug his lardass out of bed to help with the groceries. With a pitcher of icewater if necessary.)

the bigger red flag is that you "don't really trust" him to take care of the kid. that could mean lots of different things. him making minor to major screw-ups on occasion or regularly? you trying to control every aspect of his parenting? him throwing in the towel because he can't do things right for you? You not giving him a chance to learn how to take care of the kid on his own? him not getting invested in figuring things out for himself? some combination of these? that's what you need to get to the bottom of.

when sleep-deprived, my DH adopts something of a sullen teenage boy approach where he tries to do as little as possible without directly confronting me about anything, and apologizes immediately if called out just to get me to shut up. I make the most headway on this lamentable habit if I discuss later, after he's had a good night's sleep. it still happens. but less.

No, I'm pretty chill and relaxed about parenting. I'm in no way a helicopter parent or even close. This issue has happened before (him falling asleep and not putting DS to bed). He also does really stupid stuff like giving a 2 year old gum, and other choking hazzards, no matter how many times I explain to him why it's dangerous. He's also never given DS a bath. Ever. He also refuses to do the morning daycare dropoff, even though he works part time, and I work full time. He did it 1 time, on the 1st day, then told me it was too much for him to handle in the mornings and I would have to do it (we had agreed before getting pregnant that he would do the morning drop-offs)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think your DH was that bad. Your kid wasn't hurt.

I would just say calmly, "I know it's hard to put Cody to bed, but I worry if you are sleeping that Cody could get into something and get hurt. What can we do to make sure this doesn't happen again?"

One of the pps here. Its not just the fact that the child stayed up past bedtime. The issue is that there are some many other ways that the husband was disrespectful of his wife and child.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds like a loser but then again, you do too. Where are you at that you go hunting at 4am? Who does that? How do you not trust your husband? You said he did this before (falling asleep) so why have him responsible for him late at night? You couldn't go grocery shopping on the weekend, as a family, to have that extra hand while shopping? You really felt the need to snoop around trash to see if he is drunk? What a messed up marriage/family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds like a loser but then again, you do too. Where are you at that you go hunting at 4am? Who does that? How do you not trust your husband? You said he did this before (falling asleep) so why have him responsible for him late at night? You couldn't go grocery shopping on the weekend, as a family, to have that extra hand while shopping? You really felt the need to snoop around trash to see if he is drunk? What a messed up marriage/family.

Im not the OP but you're the most horrid person on this thread. Nothing that you have said provides helpful or constructive feeback to the OP like the rest of us have.