Is my husband a hoarder or just disorganized and messy?

[Anonymous]

I would start organizing and tell him you are planning to do so, but don’t throw things out. If he does seem ADHD/Autistic, consider organizing in a visual way. For those types part of the issue can be that they have object permanence issues and they forget that they have things they can’t see. So a wall of shelves with things laid out where they are visible will be more sustainable than a well-labeled stack of opaque bins. For things like VHS, send them all to a digitizing service like legacybox and once they are digitized you can argue for tossing the physical objects bc you have access to the images.

In your shoes I would get the garage squared away and then make the rule that anything that doesn’t mean anything to you and isn’t useful can go in the office but useful items can live on the shelves in the garage.

[Anonymous]

Hoarding is on a spectrum. My soon to be ex has the clutter office. Never got around to cleaning it out or organizing. Piles up trash around himself instead of clearing surfaces. He kept all kinds of movie stubs and such when he was a teenager and became irate when his obsessively tidy mom threw it away.

His magpie tendencies certainly helped make my decision to divorce him easy, since he kept all his conversations and photos with the affair partners for me to find.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for all the comments. Now I feel guilty about the cap and gown - it was wrinkly and smelly and old and cheapy - but oh well. I hope he doesn't notice.

What is so weird about his stuff is that it is not organized at all. There will be a pile of random receipts, glue, nails and screws, books, winter gloves, a poster, shoes, etc etc. All stacked willynilly on a shelf in a completely random way so you couldn't find anything specific anyways.

I think that is what drives me the most crazy. If he had everything in organized bins so he could find it, I wouldn't mind so much, but to find CDs scattered here and there drives me nutty.

Last night I asked him why he was keeping all the old VHS players and DVD players when some are broken. he said I could get rid of some of them but NOT one specific DVD player because "it was one of the first ones they ever made." I was like - who cares!!! But he insists it will be important one day. what?

I dunno about the media players (would
it help to remind him that the Smithsonians already have copies of these in their archives? But if you got to get rid of all but one, that’s a win!), but I do the bolded sometimes. Usually in the context of trying to clean up quickly before company, I dump everything random floating around on the ground floor in a bag/drawer/shelf/open surface in an unused room, and when trying to tackle the organizing later, the fact that it’s all a jumble of things in different categories surrounded by similarly jumbled piles makes it mentally overwhelming to make coherent decisions about where everything goes. If you have a kitchen junk drawer, it’s a similar concept.

The PP who put all the CDs in a box is spot on - this helps SO much. You’re 1000% right that without sorting and labeling (or at least using clear bins so you can immediately see the category of items inside), there’s zero value to keeping the “just in case” stuff bc you won’t be able to find it, access it, or it won’t be in good enough condition to use bc it’s been mashed under a bunch of other stuff.

If it helps at all, during the pandemic I was finally able to “Home Edit” pretty much the entire house and yes they suck as people and the plastic is excessive but the result has changed how we use our house in the best possible way. I started small (my bathroom cabinet), and for me the “merchandising” of items, ie the visually pleasing “after” continues to be extremely rewarding, that dopamine hit that motivates the ADHD brain (remember it is literally a neurological disorder, so it makes sense that the most successful way to tackle a problem might be one that seems weird or overkill to you). Measuring all the spaces to find the perfectly-sized visually-matching containers at the Container Store also allows me to productively indulge my OCD-ness and soothes anxiety. Another thing that really helps me get going is to listen to audiobooks on organizing and decluttering books that speak to me. Dana K White is a personal fave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved from a larger house and ever since moving into our current house our basement was used for storage. I worked out deals with my DW that I would purge and for every trash bag she would reward me (which would be considered a reward for her by most DWs). After over 8 bags and several years, my DW has never lived up to her side of the deal on any of the huge stuffed contractor trash bags. Since moving into the house, I have purged enough to put my office, my closet and a lot of new family stuff in the basement.

My DW nags me about the basement, but I never have the free time that she has... Which is another irritation...

Since the Trash bag deal.. We have had several deals where I make progress towards what I commit to and she makes no effort but to complain. The marriage has other issues that have made me want to end it.. Ironically, I need to clear out the basement before we can end it. So I have started to find the items of value new homes via eBay and other places that would value the items. To my DW, all of my stuff is trash and I should just throw it all away.. But it is worth more than $10k if I find the right buyers which I have started to look for... One annoying thing is that sometimes when I have found people to take some of the items the plan falls through...

Just because you paid 10K for it some time ago does not mean that it is worth that now. Just hire a service to haul the whole mess away.

lol.. As I have mentioned that I have already purged a lot of my "stuff". After the 8 large contractor sized trash bags, I shredded several of my old documents and papers that resulted in several contractor sized trash bags full of spreading. What is left of my "excess" stuff makes a small percentage of what is in the basement. It would fit in the back of a regular sized SUV. I have less than 10% of my original stuff that I had when I moved into current house. The value of several of these items has been increasing over the last 2 years. I would actually make a profit on some of them. And I would feel guilty throwing away rare collectables that are not replaceable. I need to re-inventory my collection and revalue it based on what the current market in actually paying for similar items. I am realistic and not jaded by shows lime antique roadshow. If I cannot find a buyer within a realistic timeframe, I will bundle it and give the different bundle to an enthusiast for shipping cost. Just as i should not jaded in thinking that everyone of my items would get me a featured spot on Antique roadshow.. People should not be jaded in.thinking that everyone with a collection should be featured on an episode of hoarders.

i will admit that the basement looks messier than it needs to be.. But part of that is me being pissed at me wife for how she has been acting.

So you want your wife to live with your mess, and then “reward” you when you do the adult thing and get rid of junk that you should not have kept in the first place? How do you “reward” her for all the things she likely does to keep a nice home all while dealing with your 8 contractor bags of stuff? Why didn’t you get rid of it when you moved? I’m sure you can take a day or two off work and get it done. I see why DW is not jumping to “reward” you. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I both tend to be messy / disorganized. He seems to not care whereas I get overwhelmed about starting or figuring out better systems. One a system is in place I’m decent at following it. Can you afford an organizer? I have ADHD and the mirroring / hyper focus when I have an organizer work with me is amazing. I hire one a few times a year and I LOVE seeing all the bags of stuff go. I think that’s a difference between clutter : organized and hoarder. My home looks cluttered often, but I’m very happy to get rid of things. I think I’d find it stressful if my DH were deciding what to get rid of, but it’s so freeing.

Why do you get more stuff between the organizer’s visits?

I’m the pp who hires organizers - because the course of 6 months to a year kids have birthdays / get presents, mail continues to arrive and have to be dealt with, school projects come home, children outgrow clothes or clothes get worn out or don’t fit anymore etc. So if one visit I deal with my desk and mail organizing and another visit I deal with clothes there’s still a lot I could use help with (garage, closets..). When we moved to our current apartment I had the organizer help me set up our kitchen and that’s been great. I don’t particularly like to shop for myself, but stuff piles up anyway.

[Anonymous]

Eleven year old thread.