Is my husband a hoarder or just disorganized and messy?

[Anonymous]

My husband never puts anything away and never throws anything out. I have gotten "his" stuff down to our storage room/his hobby room and our garage, but disorganization and wasted space bugs me so much.

I don't mind cleaning and organizing, but the problem is he gets all upset when I do this and he refuses to do any organizing or cleaning himself. he still has VHS tapes - stuff he copied from the TV!!! I have said, Can I throw these out? And he will say, Oh, I will go through them, but he never does. Years go by. I say, do we need to keep this old broken VHS player? Do we need to keep this old microwave that we haven't used in 10 years of marriage that is taking up space on the floor of the storage room?

He drives me crazy. You can barely walk in the storage room or the garage. The rest of the house is competely clutter free and clean.

I know I should give him this one room, but it is a wasted room. If it was cleaned and organized, we could actually use the room. And if the garage were organized, we could park our cars in there!

Plus, what drives me bananas is the waste of money. Because he cannot find anything, he is constantly buying more stuff/household supplies at Home depot. Cans of paint; lightbulbs; car oil; doorknobs, anything and everything.

Are I being ridiculous for wanting him to help clean up his mess?

[Anonymous]

What would happen if you just ... got rid of the old microwave oven? Without saying anything at all. Just one day it was gone.

[Anonymous]

I have done that sometimes and if/when he finds out, he gets very upset. So upset that I start to wonder if he is a hoarder.

Although today, I did actually throw out his old wrinkled cap and gown from college that was stuck in a box (from his college graduation in 1984 no kidding) He has every bill, every magazine, every catalogue he has ever received. I do regularly throw out paperwork like that, but I have to ask to toss the magazines or he gets mad.

[Anonymous]

OP here - to continue - his excuse is always that he is too busy and he doesn't want to waste time going through stuff. He is very busy - extremely busy working and remodeling our house. So, I tell him, I have more time and I don't mind cleaning/organizing, but you have to let me do it. and he will say, No, I have to go through it myself. But the problem is, He never, ever goes through anything ever. I think he just enjoys clutter and enjoys keeping every single item he has ever owned just in case he needs it later (of course, he can never find it because of the disorganization.)

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a hoarder--a person who has an excessive collection of items and an inability to discard them even if they have no use or value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - to continue - his excuse is always that he is too busy and he doesn't want to waste time going through stuff. He is very busy - extremely busy working and remodeling our house. So, I tell him, I have more time and I don't mind cleaning/organizing, but you have to let me do it. and he will say, No, I have to go through it myself. But the problem is, He never, ever goes through anything ever. I think he just enjoys clutter and enjoys keeping every single item he has ever owned just in case he needs it later (of course, he can never find it because of the disorganization.)

I let my husband do this in his office (had frosted panes put in the french door windows), his workshop, and our spare bedroom, which holds his photo equipment (very rarely used for guests anyway as family lives far). The rest of the house is pretty organized, though I can be guilty of not filing right away.

It's frustrating, but eventually my husband started letting go of things like unused microwave ovens, thought it was his altruistic side that led to this. He got great pleasure out of donating.

By the way, throwing away his college cap and gown is precisely why he wants to do it himself. I can see why he'd want to perhaps keep that.

One of the major reasons my friend divorced his wife, was her insensitivity. After his father died, she nagged him incessantly about a couple boxes of his father's clothing he kept in HIS car trunk (afraid to bring them in due to her bitching). She actually went INTO HIS TRUNK a month after his father's death and got rid of them. That's just wrong on many levels. Don't be THAT woman.

[Anonymous]

Just throw away the old bills and receipts from years ago. No reason to tell him or ask him. Do it while he's out. I wouldn't have thrown away his cap and gown. I would just toss the broken microwave. Why do you ask him if your allowed toget rid of broken appliances that have been sitting there for years?

I would encourage him to go on a weekend trip somewhere and while he's gone I would organize and throw away. I would not throw away anything personal to him at all- I don't care how much you hate that ratty tshirt from when he was in high school. Be sure to label boxes/containers so he and you (don't you need to know where paint and lightbulbs are too?) know where to find things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a hoarder--a person who has an excessive collection of items and an inability to discard them even if they have no use or value.

+1 Intervention time.

[Anonymous]

I do think your husband is a hoarder....but not to the extreme..you know the type that have their own reality show. LOL.

I see myself in him.
I am a hoarder of sorts. I hate throwing anything away. I see value in everything and it drives my family crazy. But let me explain my side of things:

When I got my first apt. at 20 I had nothing. Nothing. Not a T.V. set. A telephone. Not even a pot to cook Campbells soup in. I had a few towels thank goodness. Well slowly over the years I acquired items and of course as my family grew, so did my personal items, etc. I always look back on those days when I had nothing and think to myself how far I have come since then by all the material things I have now. <---- (I know..I know...This sounds SO shallow/materialistic and all, but this is how I became this way.) So that is why I have a difficult time tossing anything away. I see value in most anything. Almost. Now if something is broken, rusty or doesn't work, I can toss it no problem. But if something is simply outdated (I.e., my Polaroid camera) I still want to hold on to it for sentimental purposes which my family hates!! Ha!!!

I say, what your husband is dealing with is most likely psychological and should be dealt with in that manner. I do not recommend throwing things away behind his back since doing something like this may set him off. Hoarders tend to get really angry at this. Some have even gotten homicidal....not saying your hubby will. Just sayin'....

[Anonymous]

Many hoarders often have OCD and attentional issues. They cannot focus enough to make a decision. OP, does your husband have any of these?

[Anonymous]

My first husband was like that - and it really upset me - although that was not the reason for our breakup. It sounds like time to throw stufff out that has no use. Any sentimental items (photos, notes, momentos) keep.

[Anonymous]

My DH has hoarder tendencies. I throw things away. I do not ask him. If the situation is not too serious, then he probably will not notice. I would not throw the graduation gown away. But old books receipts, household items that do not work, old clothes, shoes, magazine, VHS tapes, out, out, out! Otherwise we would not be able to walk around in the house. He has a tendency to "colonize" each room. In other words, he will fill it up with his junk and then move on to the next room. I put a stop to that. It was that... or else for me. Living with a hoarder is very difficult. Fortunately my DH is more of a clutterer (and a slob) than a hoarder. He has ADHD so I do keep many copies of the keys and things like that.

[Anonymous]

Hoarder = will not throw away anything for any reason. Messy = he will let you throw it if it is useless (but do not ask)

[Anonymous]

Your husband has hoarder tendencies. Which means that if you cleaned out all his stuff, he'd promptly accumulate more stuff. You don't have to have nowhere to sit and dead cats to be a hoarder.

Therapy. Stat.

[Anonymous]

We moved from a larger house and ever since moving into our current house our basement was used for storage. I worked out deals with my DW that I would purge and for every trash bag she would reward me (which would be considered a reward for her by most DWs). After over 8 bags and several years, my DW has never lived up to her side of the deal on any of the huge stuffed contractor trash bags. Since moving into the house, I have purged enough to put my office, my closet and a lot of new family stuff in the basement.

My DW nags me about the basement, but I never have the free time that she has... Which is another irritation...

Since the Trash bag deal.. We have had several deals where I make progress towards what I commit to and she makes no effort but to complain. The marriage has other issues that have made me want to end it.. Ironically, I need to clear out the basement before we can end it. So I have started to find the items of value new homes via eBay and other places that would value the items. To my DW, all of my stuff is trash and I should just throw it all away.. But it is worth more than $10k if I find the right buyers which I have started to look for... One annoying thing is that sometimes when I have found people to take some of the items the plan falls through...