Is my husband a hoarder or just disorganized and messy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing I did with my DH, who was too busy and reluctant to go through and purge his stuff, was to go through it first and sort into keep/donate/trash piles. (With his permission and the promise that I wouldn't trash anything without his approval.) Then all he had to do was go through the donate and trash piles. Essentially, I made an overwhelming task manageable for him.

So for example, for all of your DH's scattered CD's-- I'd put those in a box separated into keep and donate, then have him flip through and retrieve any he wanted to keep from the donate pile. It would take only 5 or 10 minutes for him to do it, then you can proceed with actually donating or trashing his approved items.

Don't get rid of anything without his consent, because you need to keep his trust. Don't argue with him about wanting to keep something you think should be trashed, because you want him to buy into and continue to participate in this process.

See if that strategy helps the two you make a dent in the problem.

You are a brilliant woman. Often times, for disorganized people, the task seems overwhelming. This is true for my husband. I've organized things of his and at first, he was resistant until he saw I would not throw out anything without his permission and actually found money! LOL. Now he's much more willing to not only let me get in there, but has gotten less attached because he can see clearly what he really doesn't need.

You understand fear and respect go hand-in-hand sometimes - goodonya.

Would 2nd the original PPs suggestions and the praise for it.

You can't make the final keep/trash decisions for your husband because you simply don't know his emotional landscape. But if you pre-sort / organize it all for him you turn an absolutely overwhelming task into a simple 5-10 min task of him looking through to find the few items whose sentimental value you don't recognize.

[Anonymous]

?OP I do not want to jump right in and label your DH a hoarder. My DH has some hoarder type issues, but he still listens to reason. Perhaps yours will also. In my experience, if you ask someone about a particular object, they will always find some value in it. Particularly, they will remember the money they spent -- even if it was 10 years ago. It is hard for a regular person to look at something they spent money on and know that it was a costly mistake, now it is broken, but the money is gone. For some reason, people will hold onto that. (Look in your closet)
But if you take a caring approach, you might be able to make some headway (if he is not a true hoarder).


Our garage was just a nightmare with stuff from our previous home, stuff from his Dad's house, stuff, stuff stuff. But a lot of the collections from his Dads' were paper and paper in the garage = mildew which = no value. But it was heartbreaking to get rid of. So I did that. Afterwards, in all that mess, who could remember exactly what had been there?

Elderly computers, and other electronics, TVs, small appliances -- they are really pretty worthless-- check the donation guidelines for the major donation companies (Salvation Army etc), and you will see what I mean. One day, while I was gone, DH hired a guy with a truck, and when I came home it was gone. Now we have a garage again. When you look at how expensive real estate is around here, and realize that you now have a great big empty garage, it can be very motivating. Sometimes I just go out there and look at it!

But do not despair, if your DH is not a true hoarder and you take the right approach, you may be able to resolve some of this. It is best to let him have his space and not to judge. But mail, screws, old magazines, newspapers, and so on -- a normal person will not object to seeing that gone.

Give your DH an chance before you judge. It sounds like you have very different styles.

[Anonymous]

PP--did you read any of OP's posts? Her husband shuts down, gets defensive and refuses to clean in any way shape or form.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband never puts anything away and never throws anything out. I have gotten "his" stuff down to our storage room/his hobby room and our garage, but disorganization and wasted space bugs me so much.

I don't mind cleaning and organizing, but the problem is he gets all upset when I do this and he refuses to do any organizing or cleaning himself. he still has VHS tapes - stuff he copied from the TV!!! I have said, Can I throw these out? And he will say, Oh, I will go through them, but he never does. Years go by. I say, do we need to keep this old broken VHS player? Do we need to keep this old microwave that we haven't used in 10 years of marriage that is taking up space on the floor of the storage room?

He drives me crazy. You can barely walk in the storage room or the garage. The rest of the house is competely clutter free and clean.

I know I should give him this one room, but it is a wasted room. If it was cleaned and organized, we could actually use the room. And if the garage were organized, we could park our cars in there!

Plus, what drives me bananas is the waste of money. Because he cannot find anything, he is constantly buying more stuff/household supplies at Home depot. Cans of paint; lightbulbs; car oil; doorknobs, anything and everything.

Are I being ridiculous for wanting him to help clean up his mess?

If your DH works in a stressful job for more than 50 hours per week while still being a DH spending time with your kids at sports, scouting or etc.. When will he have the time? My SAHM has more free time than I do and she keeps nagging me to clean in my "free" time. What "free" time?

[Anonymous]

OP - yes, he is busy. but I have offered to sort some stuff for him first to make it easier. Plus on the weekends, he could make the time. He doesn't have to remodel; I tell him, let's take a break from other stuff and get organized first. It will make the other stuff easier (remodeling; actually using the hobby room for hobbies.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - yes, he is busy. but I have offered to sort some stuff for him first to make it easier. Plus on the weekends, he could make the time. He doesn't have to remodel; I tell him, let's take a break from other stuff and get organized first. It will make the other stuff easier (remodeling; actually using the hobby room for hobbies.)

if you make deals for your DH... Make sure that you live up to your side of the deal. If he shows progress reward him with things that he would enjoy... Sexual would most likely be best. If my DW did that our basement would have been clean many many years ago.

[Anonymous]

Your DH sounds a lot like me. I'm not a hoarder but I do have ADD and it's hard for me to focus on organizing and throwing away things with sentimental value. When I was growing up, my mother always threw away things from my room when I was away, I think that caused this problem in the first place. I agree with the PP who suggested to just go ahead and organize things without throwing anything away. Once he can trust that you won't toss things without asking he may be willing to work with you to get rid of some things. Also, I wouldn't nag him too much if most of your house is free from clutter. Not being able to park in the garage is a problem, but if it's just stuff piles on shelves in the basement it doesn't seem worth it to big him about it constantly.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a hoarder, sorry OP. OTOH I agree w/PP's that it was probably a bad move to throw out a grad gown and cap. Would have made sense to throw away an old broken VCR or worthless 20 year old receipts. Why the cap & gown? Good luck OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Early stages of hoarding.

Typically hoarders don't reach the level we see on television until there has been a triggering, traumatic event - a loss of a loved one, lengthy unemployment, health issues. I would not be surprised if your husband's illness progressed dramatically during a very stressful time.

Get him into hoarding-specific counseling PRONTO.

OP, having grown up with a hoarder, I'd have to agree. I would seek out a counselor for yourself first. Do NOT confront him or make him watch Hoarders. Confrontation makes it worse. He may have OCD, depression, or ADHD and may need medication to help regulate this impulse. But he needs to be on board.

I would consult a therapist with expertise in the field b/f you do anything or talk to him:
http://www.behaviortherapycenter.com/BehaviorTherapyCenter/What_is_Compulsive_Hoarding.html

And God Bless, I know how frustrating this can be.

[Anonymous]

I am sentimental, disorganized, and have slight hoarding tendencies.

I recently did a huge clean and organization due to a house selling.

I think you should organize the material into three piles. Keep, donate, throw away. This should be ok with him. Then ask him to go through it. Sentimental keeps like the graduation gown you may have to give on. Broken toaster when you have a working toaster, absolutely not, that should be tossed or donated. Focus on memories vs stuff you can buy. Old essays from high school etc, I scanned into my computer. Old dishes, tossed.

It was amazing how much nicer the house looked.

[Anonymous]

You are lucky it is in one room. Count your blessings.

[Anonymous]

Hoarder

[Anonymous]

Hey OP - UPDATE us!! Now that this long dead thread has been resurrected, how about an UPDATE!

[Anonymous]

My husband is somewhat like that. He has the garage and his office. It's not all junk, but he likes to keep things as spares should he need a part. And there have been times where he has found the spare part. IT looks disorganized to me, but he can find stuff.

IF your DH is wasting MONEY buying extra stuff because he is disorganized, you have a right to bring that up. He's wasting your money too. Ask him how you can help him organize. He will probably refuse since he is a hoarder. You should watch the show with him. A lot of hoarders have bad relationships because the hoard becomes more important than people. DH and I watch it often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - yes, he is busy. but I have offered to sort some stuff for him first to make it easier. Plus on the weekends, he could make the time. He doesn't have to remodel; I tell him, let's take a break from other stuff and get organized first. It will make the other stuff easier (remodeling; actually using the hobby room for hobbies.)

if you make deals for your DH... Make sure that you live up to your side of the deal. If he shows progress reward him with things that he would enjoy... Sexual would most likely be best. If my DW did that our basement would have been clean many many years ago.

I know this thread is old but your continuous immature whining is just over the top repulsive. I'm gonna take a guess that you think making money is all you need to do to live up to your end of the bargain of being a husband. What level of immaturity does it take to require a blow*** to tidy up? Grow up and just do it. If it's worth so much then sell it. I suspect your sex life feels obligatory to her rather than enjoyable. Do you give her any pleasure, do you only think you do, or you don't care? Just by your childish whining it doesn't seem a stretch to assume you're a selfish "lover".

Sexual favors as a reward for doing what you should already be doing? You must make her feel like the belle of the ball.

Grow up and quit being a juvenile, selfish, whining slob.