Is my husband a hoarder or just disorganized and messy?

[Anonymous]

I'm a bit of a perfectionist and a procrastinator, so I'm always waiting for just the right moment to reorganize things- then they never seem to get done. Stuff=memories for me, which is why I don't want someone else going through it. If you have him limited to a couple rooms of the house, and you're able to keep most of the house the way you want it....then I think you should just give him more time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We moved from a larger house and ever since moving into our current house our basement was used for storage. I worked out deals with my DW that I would purge and for every trash bag she would reward me (which would be considered a reward for her by most DWs). After over 8 bags and several years, my DW has never lived up to her side of the deal on any of the huge stuffed contractor trash bags. Since moving into the house, I have purged enough to put my office, my closet and a lot of new family stuff in the basement.

My DW nags me about the basement, but I never have the free time that she has... Which is another irritation...

Since the Trash bag deal.. We have had several deals where I make progress towards what I commit to and she makes no effort but to complain. The marriage has other issues that have made me want to end it.. Ironically, I need to clear out the basement before we can end it. So I have started to find the items of value new homes via eBay and other places that would value the items. To my DW, all of my stuff is trash and I should just throw it all away.. But it is worth more than $10k if I find the right buyers which I have started to look for... One annoying thing is that sometimes when I have found people to take some of the items the plan falls through...

Just because you paid 10K for it some time ago does not mean that it is worth that now. Just hire a service to haul the whole mess away.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a hoarder and married someone with hoarding instincts that are getting worse all of the time. OP, your husband is a hoarder--not severe, but still a hoarder.

[Anonymous]

Early stages of hoarding.

Typically hoarders don't reach the level we see on television until there has been a triggering, traumatic event - a loss of a loved one, lengthy unemployment, health issues. I would not be surprised if your husband's illness progressed dramatically during a very stressful time.

Get him into hoarding-specific counseling PRONTO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved from a larger house and ever since moving into our current house our basement was used for storage. I worked out deals with my DW that I would purge and for every trash bag she would reward me (which would be considered a reward for her by most DWs). After over 8 bags and several years, my DW has never lived up to her side of the deal on any of the huge stuffed contractor trash bags. Since moving into the house, I have purged enough to put my office, my closet and a lot of new family stuff in the basement.

My DW nags me about the basement, but I never have the free time that she has... Which is another irritation...

Since the Trash bag deal.. We have had several deals where I make progress towards what I commit to and she makes no effort but to complain. The marriage has other issues that have made me want to end it.. Ironically, I need to clear out the basement before we can end it. So I have started to find the items of value new homes via eBay and other places that would value the items. To my DW, all of my stuff is trash and I should just throw it all away.. But it is worth more than $10k if I find the right buyers which I have started to look for... One annoying thing is that sometimes when I have found people to take some of the items the plan falls through...

Just because you paid 10K for it some time ago does not mean that it is worth that now. Just hire a service to haul the whole mess away.

lol.. As I have mentioned that I have already purged a lot of my "stuff". After the 8 large contractor sized trash bags, I shredded several of my old documents and papers that resulted in several contractor sized trash bags full of spreading. What is left of my "excess" stuff makes a small percentage of what is in the basement. It would fit in the back of a regular sized SUV. I have less than 10% of my original stuff that I had when I moved into current house. The value of several of these items has been increasing over the last 2 years. I would actually make a profit on some of them. And I would feel guilty throwing away rare collectables that are not replaceable. I need to re-inventory my collection and revalue it based on what the current market in actually paying for similar items. I am realistic and not jaded by shows lime antique roadshow. If I cannot find a buyer within a realistic timeframe, I will bundle it and give the different bundle to an enthusiast for shipping cost. Just as i should not jaded in thinking that everyone of my items would get me a featured spot on Antique roadshow.. People should not be jaded in.thinking that everyone with a collection should be featured on an episode of hoarders.

i will admit that the basement looks messier than it needs to be.. But part of that is me being pissed at me wife for how she has been acting.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks for all the comments. Now I feel guilty about the cap and gown - it was wrinkly and smelly and old and cheapy - but oh well. I hope he doesn't notice.

What is so weird about his stuff is that it is not organized at all. There will be a pile of random receipts, glue, nails and screws, books, winter gloves, a poster, shoes, etc etc. All stacked willynilly on a shelf in a completely random way so you couldn't find anything specific anyways.

I think that is what drives me the most crazy. If he had everything in organized bins so he could find it, I wouldn't mind so much, but to find CDs scattered here and there drives me nutty.

Last night I asked him why he was keeping all the old VHS players and DVD players when some are broken. he said I could get rid of some of them but NOT one specific DVD player because "it was one of the first ones they ever made." I was like - who cares!!! But he insists it will be important one day. what?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, as PP have noted, your DH is a beginning stage hoarder. It really is a psychological issue and requires professional help. Please don't throw things away. He needs to work with someone with experience in hoarding issues to help. You might also think about bringing in a professional organizer to help you. You can sometimes find deals for them on Angie's List.

[Anonymous]

OP here - he will never ever agree to counseling or professional help. He absolutely denies he has a problem.

Just today, I said, you know, fall is a perfect time to get organized. Can I work on the garage so we can park out cars in there?

And he got furious. He is too busy to deal with this now (or ever)! He told me to leave the garage and his stuff alone! He says I am obsessed with "this issue." I said, I am not obsessed, I just want to get organized so we can park in thee garage.

[Anonymous]

OP, your husband sounds a lot like mine. Have you ever gotten him to watch an episode of Hoarders on TV? Or even a show like Clean Sweep? You should turn it on one day while he's there--no commentary or pressure on your part--just pretend you like the show. It would be interesting to hear his reaction and what he thinks about the characters.

There was an episode once that focused on magazine hoarding (something my husband has a real problem with) and I think it helped him to see that this behavior is sufficiently abnormal to warrant a show about it. The improvement was minor but still worth noting.

[Anonymous]

One thing I did with my DH, who was too busy and reluctant to go through and purge his stuff, was to go through it first and sort into keep/donate/trash piles. (With his permission and the promise that I wouldn't trash anything without his approval.) Then all he had to do was go through the donate and trash piles. Essentially, I made an overwhelming task manageable for him.

So for example, for all of your DH's scattered CD's-- I'd put those in a box separated into keep and donate, then have him flip through and retrieve any he wanted to keep from the donate pile. It would take only 5 or 10 minutes for him to do it, then you can proceed with actually donating or trashing his approved items.

Don't get rid of anything without his consent, because you need to keep his trust. Don't argue with him about wanting to keep something you think should be trashed, because you want him to buy into and continue to participate in this process.

See if that strategy helps the two you make a dent in the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a hoarder--a person who has an excessive collection of items and an inability to discard them even if they have no use or value.

+1 Intervention time.

Yep. Do something before it takes over the house. Your DH needs some help with whatever is behind his need to hoard.

[Anonymous]

Either get him into therapy or in 5 years you'll be posting about your impending divorce. You cannot make this task easier the way PP suggested because this is a mental illness (although her strategy works great with people who are simply overwhelmed by the task). OP, your husband is sick. If he had all the signs of a heart attack but refused to go to the ER would you just shrug your shoulders and say he refuses? You have to help him now before it's out of control and destroys his life (and yours and your childrens').

[Anonymous]

He's a hoarder, and not just a beginning stage hoarder. If people haven't had experience living with one, they don't know how nasty they can be. They value their stuff more than the people in their lives. It's an intractable problem. OP, you need to find support from people who are living with hoarders or who have experience with hoarders. People who haven't lived it really don't have any clue. He won't get therapy, but you might want to seek it out yourself as you figure out how to live with it. It will impact your kids as well, so you might want to seek therapy for yourself to see if you can mitigate the impact on your kids.

Signed,

Child of a Hoarder (who is still dealing with the aftermath of growing up in a hoarder home)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing I did with my DH, who was too busy and reluctant to go through and purge his stuff, was to go through it first and sort into keep/donate/trash piles. (With his permission and the promise that I wouldn't trash anything without his approval.) Then all he had to do was go through the donate and trash piles. Essentially, I made an overwhelming task manageable for him.

So for example, for all of your DH's scattered CD's-- I'd put those in a box separated into keep and donate, then have him flip through and retrieve any he wanted to keep from the donate pile. It would take only 5 or 10 minutes for him to do it, then you can proceed with actually donating or trashing his approved items.

Don't get rid of anything without his consent, because you need to keep his trust. Don't argue with him about wanting to keep something you think should be trashed, because you want him to buy into and continue to participate in this process.

See if that strategy helps the two you make a dent in the problem.

You are a brilliant woman. Often times, for disorganized people, the task seems overwhelming. This is true for my husband. I've organized things of his and at first, he was resistant until he saw I would not throw out anything without his permission and actually found money! LOL. Now he's much more willing to not only let me get in there, but has gotten less attached because he can see clearly what he really doesn't need.

You understand fear and respect go hand-in-hand sometimes - goodonya.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - he will never ever agree to counseling or professional help. He absolutely denies he has a problem.

Just today, I said, you know, fall is a perfect time to get organized. Can I work on the garage so we can park out cars in there?

And he got furious. He is too busy to deal with this now (or ever)! He told me to leave the garage and his stuff alone! He says I am obsessed with "this issue." I said, I am not obsessed, I just want to get organized so we can park in thee garage.

He's not angry. He's afraid.

So what you have to do, is do it anyway, without throwing A THING away! Yep, he'll be angry at first because he will be afraid you tossed something. Then he should calm down realize the benefit. If he doesn't, it might not be a workable situation for you.

Living with someone and loving them are two different things.