Is my husband a hoarder or just disorganized and messy?

[Anonymous]

OP, everything you describe about your DH sounds identical to mine. What's worse - I am a minimalist who could live with a fork and a toothbrush and a change of clothes.

Maybe he's a hoarder. Maybe he has OCD. Who knows. I don't think that you can change people, though, and I don't think you can get people to go to therapy and have it work unless it is their idea.

So, a policy of containment is a good strategy. The upstairs and main floor in our house are mine. The basement and garage are his to trash. It's a compromise that has worked well for us.

As for him buying things he doesn't need, try a budget or separate accounts so he can do that and let it go.

[Anonymous]

There is a great book called "The Hoarder in You," by one of the psychologists on the Hoarders TV show. She sees hoarding as a spectrum, from people who don't keep anything to the really serious Hoarders you see on TV. Of course, 99.9% of us fall somewhere in between those two extremes. Either way, there are certain common attitudes toward stuff and keeping stuff that she does a great job of explaining. Eg, your husband may have kept his cap and gown because it represents a big accomplishment in his life and he sees throwing it away as negating the accomplishment. Or he may intend to fix the broken microwave. The reasons may not make "logical" sense, but there's probably a sense and logic in HIS mind. The book shows how to counteract some of those faulty beliefs. It also talks about the role of psychological disorders like depression and OCD, and counteracts any idea that hoarders look a certain way or are necessarily lazy (in fact many are perfectionists who are overwhelmed by making messy reality match their perfect vision). I'm not doing a great job of describing, but really I recommend the book very highly. Even if you don't have a full-on hoarder in the family, the discussion of different attitudes toward "stuff" was interesting.

[Anonymous]

OMG! Thank you everybody. Now I am not alone. My husband is a horder, perfectionist, procrastinator and away for business often! I dared to thro w away a broken pool pump, parts of a 40 year old desk , which he disassembled and stuffed in various corners of the basement. Some rusted Volvo parts (we had a Volvo 20 years ago). Also torn clothing he insists on wearing on the weekend when the closet overflows wih new stuff... Trying to survive, I am waiting for his return.
Sombre.

[Anonymous]

My husband is scanning box after box after box of HIS OLD family photos. Some pictures are old pictures of his dad's old band classes. He then...... Can't get rid of them. Enemy when we have a digital image saved. I hate the mess of do many, many boxes in the basement. I have even hoped the basement would flood so everything would be ruined! We have a friend that can't part with her family pics. My husband told her....... Less is BEST!!! I told him..... You need to practice what you PREACH. He got Very Mad at me and told me to never touch his stuff! Which makes me hate his mess even more !!!!

[Anonymous]

so we can park out cars in there (garage)

Not this. Many people do not have room to park their car in the garage. You lose your case with this statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think your husband is a hoarder....but not to the extreme..you know the type that have their own reality show. LOL.

I see myself in him.
I am a hoarder of sorts. I hate throwing anything away. I see value in everything and it drives my family crazy. But let me explain my side of things:

When I got my first apt. at 20 I had nothing. Nothing. Not a T.V. set. A telephone. Not even a pot to cook Campbells soup in. I had a few towels thank goodness. Well slowly over the years I acquired items and of course as my family grew, so did my personal items, etc. I always look back on those days when I had nothing and think to myself how far I have come since then by all the material things I have now. <---- (I know..I know...This sounds SO shallow/materialistic and all, but this is how I became this way.) So that is why I have a difficult time tossing anything away. I see value in most anything. Almost. Now if something is broken, rusty or doesn't work, I can toss it no problem. But if something is simply outdated (I.e., my Polaroid camera) I still want to hold on to it for sentimental purposes which my family hates!! Ha!!!

I say, what your husband is dealing with is most likely psychological and should be dealt with in that manner. I do not recommend throwing things away behind his back since doing something like this may set him off. Hoarders tend to get really angry at this. Some have even gotten homicidal....not saying your hubby will. Just sayin'....


This is how hoarding starts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's a hoarder, and not just a beginning stage hoarder. If people haven't had experience living with one, they don't know how nasty they can be. They value their stuff more than the people in their lives. It's an intractable problem. OP, you need to find support from people who are living with hoarders or who have experience with hoarders. People who haven't lived it really don't have any clue. He won't get therapy, but you might want to seek it out yourself as you figure out how to live with it. It will impact your kids as well, so you might want to seek therapy for yourself to see if you can mitigate the impact on your kids.

Signed,

Child of a Hoarder (who is still dealing with the aftermath of growing up in a hoarder home)

Leads me to my question OP...how does/did his parents' home look??

[Anonymous]

Many hoarders often have OCD and attentional issues. They cannot focus enough to make a decision. OP, does your husband have any of these?

I am like this. My husband is just the kind of person who brings books home, stacks them in a pile, never puts away his dirty clothing, doesn't know where anything in the kitchen is. It is scary that the bulk of everything falls on me, because I suck at it, and it's a constant source of streess for me. I do clean. I clean all the damn time. I just never finish any cleaning project. We moved two years ago, and we're still not unpacked. We still have piles of crap. I am not a minimalist, but I really don't care about stuff to the extent that I want it all... it's just... getting it the hell out? Never seems to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Many hoarders often have OCD and attentional issues. They cannot focus enough to make a decision. OP, does your husband have any of these?

I am like this. My husband is just the kind of person who brings books home, stacks them in a pile, never puts away his dirty clothing, doesn't know where anything in the kitchen is. It is scary that the bulk of everything falls on me, because I suck at it, and it's a constant source of streess for me. I do clean. I clean all the damn time. I just never finish any cleaning project. We moved two years ago, and we're still not unpacked. We still have piles of crap. I am not a minimalist, but I really don't care about stuff to the extent that I want it all... it's just... getting it the hell out? Never seems to happen.

Can you hire an organizer?

[Anonymous]

My husband is the same way. He has untreated ADHD.

He has gotten upset in the past about my throwing away his stuff, but has also made efforts to get rid of things during our last two moves. I don't think he qualifies for hoarder but I think the tendency is there, and it is compounded by rather significant, the symptoms of which are mainly disorganization, forgetfulness and tardiness. Organizing for him is overwhelming. He acknowledges he might have mild ADHD but adamantly refuses treatment.

I think it would be much more profitable to medicate the ADHD rather than try to treat the hoarding, which is difficult to treat anyway. In my husband's case, at any rate!

I haven't read all the posts, OP, but if your husband has ADHD traits, I think meds for that would make him more willing and able to clean up after himself and tackle the mounds of stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My husband is the same way. He has untreated ADHD.

He has gotten upset in the past about my throwing away his stuff, but has also made efforts to get rid of things during our last two moves. I don't think he qualifies for hoarder but I think the tendency is there, and it is compounded by rather significant ADHD, the symptoms of which are mainly disorganization, forgetfulness and tardiness. Organizing for him is overwhelming. He acknowledges he might have mild ADHD but adamantly refuses treatment.

I think it would be much more profitable to medicate the ADHD rather than try to treat the hoarding, which is difficult to treat anyway. In my husband's case, at any rate!

I haven't read all the posts, OP, but if your husband has ADHD traits, I think meds for that would make him more willing and able to clean up after himself and tackle the mounds of stuff.

Sorry, fixed the post.

[Anonymous]

Allow be to clarify the issue.... (1) your husband has stuff in the garage and his hobby/storage room and you feel these two locations are disorganized. (2) the reset of the house is organized. (3) You feel overwhelmed and frustrated because you can't organize two additional spaces.

It sounds like maybe... just maybe.... you are the one with the issue. Do you have an obsessive compulsive need to clean and organize things? It sounds like maybe you need an intervention.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a two car garage? If so, tell him you want to start parking I your garage in 30 days. He has 30 days to remove the stuff from your side or you'll get rid of it yourself. Problem solved on the garage parking.

[Anonymous]

OP, my problem is completely the opposite. DH cannot stop throwing away stuff. He cannot stand to see things out of order or things piling up. Our house is always organized to the absurd. His closet is ridiculous and sometimes spends hours organizing the kid's closets (for what?) I keep telling him he has a compulsive dissorder and he agrees. Our kids have had chores since they could walk lol, it's crazy,

[Anonymous]

But I can't throw that out because it's perfectly good and we might need it someday.