Long term unemployed husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Unfortunately this is a new trend in our society. The jobs that matter are often tailored to the skills women possess. There is a reason so many young men live in their mom's basements. They can't get the type of entry level jobs that propel them into a career that will help with a family's financial support.

You don't really believe this, do you? Please tell me you really aren't this stupid and that you don't vote.

[Anonymous]

So here I am again the 38 year old that wants a baby my husband & I had a chat or rather a chat that turned into a two day blowout. He has point blank refused and told me to go ahead and have a baby but not with him and that he never wants the conversation again in his life, fine words. So he is now sleeping in the front room since last night and applying for jobs today he has 80 euros left in his pocket. He is not talking and probably trying to find work before he leaves the house. I chose to go and try to make a family but not with him clearly. I have closure but it's a pity I waited 5 months to have the conversation again. I have two trains of thought right now both equally intense and fucked up. 1. I know I'm going to go through hell if he leaves and will be sick to my stomach missing him, I'm going to probably cry my own internal organs out if that's possible even 2. I want him suffer his broke ass, I want him to be fucking destitute for leading me on for 5 years, I want karma to serve up a massive kick in the ars to him so he suffers and lives in a hell of his own tears piss and shit when he realises whAt he gave up and now that has to stand on his own two feet and earn a living. Ultimately I want him to crawl on his scabby knees back and beg me to have his child. These are my current trains of thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a good father and takes care of a ton of things at home but he's been out if work for almost 3 years. He has been trying to get a job in a field that has cut a ton if jobs . In addition he doesn't have some credentials that others do-MBA etc. I have told him that he needs to put his pride aside and just get any job bc we cannot survive on my income alone. I don't believe that he will find a job in that field ever again. He is delusional and thinks something will magically appear. I am so at my wits end with this. I have huge resentment and feel like all feelings I had for him are withering away. We have a small child which complicates things. He takes care of the house and cooks and does laundry so it's not like he's not helpful. He also watches our child during most of the week which saves on child care. He has been looking for work networking and trying to get some consultant work- and trying to do this all while taking care of a kid- which is nearly impossible. But I am pissed that he pretty much refuses to get a job 'beneath' him. How can I possibly do anything here? If I kick him out it will only make things worse- I will pay more for child care, have no help with my child and my child will not see him enough. I have no idea where my husband would go.. But I'm getting so fed up. He is a good person but just seems like he won't face reality. I am so bitter because I feel like our life has gone to shit and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm stressed beyond belief and don't know what to do anymore. I can't live with a husband who never works or is always out of work- which is where I see my life going. I don't want tk break up our marriage but as time goes on I have less and less emotions and I can tell he feels the same . I've even thought to myself that if he cheated I really wouldn't care- how screwed up is that??

You are living my life...so sorry... I have been married almost 20 years and our kids are 18 and 14 and they are wondering what is going on and loosing respect for their father because he will not get just any job but is holding out...for what? Our savings and retirement is gone and we are barely hanging on by a thread. He has given me no reassurance that he will do whatever it takes to save our house and at this point and time, our family , and marriage. I am so tired of being resentful and disappointed. This is not what I signed up for. I thought we were in this as a team and he has quit on us. I just sit here shaking my head wondering if divorce is inevitable since my feelings are quickly vanishing and being squeezed out of me like a wet sponge. I would be curious to hear how your situation ended up a year later. I hope you are happy.
Tired and done

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've gone through 5 years of the worse financial pullback since the Great Depression. Husbands and wives annoyed at unemployed spouses need to educate themselves and show some sympathy and respect.

Oh, please. If you haven't lived it, you just have no idea. OP, I feel for you. My husband has also been unemployed mostly for the last 5 years. He's a disbarred attorney. He works sporadically at low level jobs but has not pulled in more than $20K for 5+ years now. Our lives have changed dramatically. Bankruptcy, foreclosure, no college for the kids (oldest is 21 years old), medical bills (no health insurance), IRS problems, you name it. Life has been extremely stressful for such a long time. My advice for you is to try to get your husband to get some kind of computer certification. In hindsight that would have helped us so much. Too late for us but hopefully not for you.

I'm so sorry that sounds awful. I'm married (sort of ending a marriage) to a doctor who lost his license, however in doctor too so although horrifying, not on so many levels. I am the one who hold sit together, but I can hold the financial,medical insurance picture together, everything else is a disaster. Honestly just having that bit of security made a big difference.

You sound like the rug was pulled out from under you but instead of floor it was quick sand. I'm so sorry. I wish you strength.

[Anonymous]

OP, if it makes you feel better, my sister's husband has been out of work for nearly 8 year and does not NOTHING around the house. When we talk about work, he simply retaliates and says "did I say no to any job?"He's also very abusive ds
Since he is refusing to leave/divorce, my sister has to move with the children.
You're in a much better situation

[Anonymous]

It's been close to 1.5-2 yrs since OP posted - I wonder if she'll see this thread and update us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if it makes you feel better, my sister's husband has been out of work for nearly 8 year and does not NOTHING around the house. When we talk about work, he simply retaliates and says "did I say no to any job?"He's also very abusive ds
Since he is refusing to leave/divorce, my sister has to move with the children.
You're in a much better situation

8 years? That is very suspect to me. I have been laid off twice and found work (even temporary) within a few months.

[Anonymous]

If child care is an issue, he can get a job working nights. Security guard, stocking shelves, hospital,.....

He needs to be doing something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree on the whole childcare aspect. You have to account for him being able to find a well paying job that would cover the cost of daycare and other expenses (gas etc)

Exactly. How old are your kids OP? I (DW) have two in daycare, and my salary covers it, but frankly there's not that much left over after childcare, taxes and putting some away for retirement. I'm still working because I like my job, retirement is worthwhile, it's very flexible and daycare costs will be over in a few years.

However, if my choice were to stay home or to work at Target for minimum wage, I'd stay home -- and I think my DH would agree that would be the best choice for our family. And he makes less than $100K so we're not wealthy for this area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is op- thanks for all the replies its very helpful. Yes I completely agree that it would not make sense to get a minimum wage job where all of it would go towards chikd care- that wouldn't help anyone out in this family- however I would be completely fine if he had a job that only made 50k- really it would help so much and get us out from under the boat.
To the pp who said her husband switched fields- how did he do this and what kind of job does he have? I think my dh is open to other fields - but he doesn't know where to look. And it seems in this economy it's hard enough to find a job in your own field let alone a new one.

How many kids do you have and are they in elementary school yet? Honestly, if both kids are under 5, a job will be mostly eaten up with daycare expenses, taxes, and work expenses (clothing, transportation, etc.). Even at this wage level, a job could still make sense if it brings some retirement cash and social security credits.

An alternative would be that you encourage your husband to make a plan for the long term -- for example, " work for X years until both kids are in elementary, then return to work at any price. while kids are young, focus on taking career-related volunteer work in order to make/keep networks and connections. continue to explore new career directions...etc."

If you have not been out of work for a significant length of time, you have no idea the prejudices and stigmas one faces returning to work. And, that's even if you voluntarily left the work force (instead of being riffed or fired). People think you're stupid, lazy, somehow lost all your skills, aren't "motivated," etc.

One thing that would help is if you stop approaching this from the perspective of "you aren't pulling your weight" or "I need you to help". Instead focus on, "You don't seem happy like this, I don't think this is a good long term plan for your happiness, your financial security, etc. and what can we do to get you to a place where you have fulfilling work and some financial security long term?" Call in outside help (financial advisers, career planners, therapist, etc.) Do not involve other family. It just creates an extra layer of unhelpful dynamics. If you have health insurance insist you DH see a therapist, not because he's "sick" or "depressed" (although that might be the case), but because the job situation would be hugely stressful for anyone.

[Anonymous]

My husband lost his job in the first year we were married. Since then he has consistently found work and consistently been fired. He is in consulting. I understand that in consulting the pieces move. I also appreciate that he goes out again and gets work but he never seems to address the issues that get him laid off. He is hostile and likes to tell people what he thinks. He feels that this is his right He does this everywhere he goes. When he came to my work at a school I would ask him to be calm and polite at events. One evening he came to an event and he chewed out the parking attendant/employee because he had to wait in line (like everyone else) to park. Later that evening he screamed at a parent from the school because the person left his snack plate on a shared table. I was so humiliated and as a teacher concerned for my job but my husband was oblivious. My son also attended the schools so this was equally difficult. The school was a small community and we were humiliated.

Recently, my husband was unemployed of 7 months. He found a great consulting job but was laid off in 2 weeks. 5 months later he found another prime job but was laid off on the first day. He claimed it was because someone returned to the job, but later I heard the personnel call and go over him about his issues. My patience has run thin but I am viewed as the terrible one by my son and my husband for not supporting the dad. Throughout our marriage my husband has needed coaching and patience. At first I really tried to help him but after awhile I could see that he was not changing his behavior and it was a waste of time. My husband has worn thin on all of his relationships and has no friends. He never leaves the house. He watches tv or reads for most of the day and then drinks starting at 5. He is in terrible shape and he never exercises. He is a terrible role model for ours son. He only has his siblings but hey are far away. On the phone, he blames me for his problems. He claims he pays all of the bills because he pay our low mortgage when I pay an equal amount to food and health care.

I stayed in the marriage because of our son. He is now in 9th grade. I am afraid to leave because we have little money and our son is in a pivotal time for school.

[Anonymous]

PP, how do you stay married to an asshole? I would be concerned about my son turning out the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband lost his job in the first year we were married. Since then he has consistently found work and consistently been fired. He is in consulting. I understand that in consulting the pieces move. I also appreciate that he goes out again and gets work but he never seems to address the issues that get him laid off. He is hostile and likes to tell people what he thinks. He feels that this is his right He does this everywhere he goes. When he came to my work at a school I would ask him to be calm and polite at events. One evening he came to an event and he chewed out the parking attendant/employee because he had to wait in line (like everyone else) to park. Later that evening he screamed at a parent from the school because the person left his snack plate on a shared table. I was so humiliated and as a teacher concerned for my job but my husband was oblivious. My son also attended the schools so this was equally difficult. The school was a small community and we were humiliated.

Recently, my husband was unemployed of 7 months. He found a great consulting job but was laid off in 2 weeks. 5 months later he found another prime job but was laid off on the first day. He claimed it was because someone returned to the job, but later I heard the personnel call and go over him about his issues. My patience has run thin but I am viewed as the terrible one by my son and my husband for not supporting the dad. Throughout our marriage my husband has needed coaching and patience. At first I really tried to help him but after awhile I could see that he was not changing his behavior and it was a waste of time. My husband has worn thin on all of his relationships and has no friends. He never leaves the house. He watches tv or reads for most of the day and then drinks starting at 5. He is in terrible shape and he never exercises. He is a terrible role model for ours son. He only has his siblings but hey are far away. On the phone, he blames me for his problems. He claims he pays all of the bills because he pay our low mortgage when I pay an equal amount to food and health care.

I stayed in the marriage because of our son. He is now in 9th grade. I am afraid to leave because we have little money and our son is in a pivotal time for school.

You may get more responses in a new thread since this is 2-3 yrs old.

But I'm so sorry for your stress. Does he get fired bc he gets to a new job and gets in a screaming match immediately with someone or tells off a client? Consulting is a VERY team oriented profession and its client service so if the partners think your attitude could cost them the client, you're out ASAP. What type of consulting - management, IT etc? Would it be "easier" for him if he weren't in a client facing business? Often consultants leave and go to an operating co - so they work in the finance or IT or whatever dept for 1 company rather than different projects for various clients. Not saying you can go in and start screaming at your colleagues or clients but if he could find a situation that's a little more "aloof" and less team oriented - ie your boss gives you work, you do it -- could that work better? I am guessing therapy for anger or whatever his issue is is out?

[Anonymous]

Hi OP
I am just running across this forum and your initial post is exactly the life I am currently living. I guess I'm reaching out to see if anything has changed for you? I feel like nothing will ever change for me.
I am a lost soul right now and see my marriage fading fast and a husband who might never have a career.

[Anonymous]

This thread is four years old. Hope OP's husband found work.