Long term unemployed husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is a pretty radical thing but here's my story. DH lost his job in December. We knew in October and he was on "working severance" till the first day of December. Now, the writing had been on the wall (layoffs, cutbacks, etc) so he had actually been in the job market almost a year when it happened. Despite networking, headhunters, and such he had some interviews but in terms of a real prospect - nada... One day a light bulb went off in my head...

I work in a fairly high demand field. I was ready for the next step up so I thought "What if I got a job in a smaller area, cheaper cost of living, where we could live decently on a single income if we had to" I also recalled recruiting an executive to my current work and how we really worked hard to find this candidate's husband a job so she would be enticed to accept our job offer.

DH and I talked it over, selected a handful of prospective states and I started to look. I got a solid offer within 3 months. No promise of a job for DH but a solid promise that they would connect him to every soul in town that could possibly help him land a position. My salary was high enough that we could rent our DC house and swing the rent on a house in the new state. Private school for both kids was less than half of what we were paying for one kid at a DC independent.

My company was true to their word, they networked constantly on my DH behalf, and within 6 weeks of moving he not only had a new job but a promotion. So, long story short, we moved to a cheaper COL area and now have an actually higher salary than we had in DC.

The other day DH looked at me and said "I think we dodged a bullet" and I agreed. I don't know if you're in a position to move out and move up but I can tell you its at least worth considering. The really hard part was leaving our family. We're lifelong DC'ers and now we live in the Midwest.

All along, I kept saying to myself "the kids will adjust to a new home, town and school a lot better than they will adjust to food stamps and being homeless"

Good luck, I really feel for you and hope you are OK.

OP, this is a good suggestion by PP. My DH and I are also in very employable fields (until I cut back to SAHM). Over the years, different opportunities have taken us to other cities (large southern ones, and major U.S. metropolitan areas larger than DC) for some time (2-5 years). In each case our DC experience was highly valued, and we made professional, social, and community inroads very quickly.

Think of pursuing careers outside DC. Under this scenario, you and your DH can simultaneously start to send out resumes/work with headhunters in a city of your choice (perhaps some place where you have family). The story should go something like this: DH has great DC experience and connections in his field, he decided to spend the past few years as a SAHD, and now you are both looking for a better quality of life in a smaller city as he returns to his career because the kids are starting school.

[Anonymous]

This is simple. Dump him. sorry!

[Anonymous]

I know this post is old, but I am seriously going through the sane thing as you right now, and I feel the same way! He has been unemployed for almost 3 years now. It's so frustrating. How have things evolved for you now?

[Anonymous]

Also curious what types of things get you disbarred.

OP, have you tried couples therapy? If so, what did they say?

[Anonymous]

I know this post is old but I am going through something similar for years now here's the thing my husband and I got married and soon after he walked out of his job that was about 4 years ago and yeah you guessed it he has been out of work ever since and also currently it's been 2 years since his last job. Yes this is crazy but guess what's even nuttier I love this man he is my soul mate I got married for life and I love him more now than when we married. But here is the other thing he was diagnosed with depression and some times takes meds but mostly will not stay on them which makes life difficult. He is going nowhere fast in terms of his own career etc... He is not taking care of his depression he is not looking for work, he will not listen to reason. He stays in bed half the day. I am past being angry and feeling resentful I still pay aal of the bills etc.. I really want him to find work and I want to see him happy. I am 38 years old and we have no children my husband refuses to try for them this is the only major argument we have I really. Want to try for ababy and he refuses, I know his reasoning is because he is not working and is depressed and my reasoning is

[Anonymous]

I know his reasoning is because he is not working and is depressed and my reasoning is that he cannot stop his life and our life together because he has no job as we are financially stable and have a lovely home. In fact reading this back I realise how selfish I sound me and my biological clock but it's all I can think about do I give up having children for this man? Do I wait and live in hope he says some day he hopes to have kids but he is very washy washy about it. We ended up in the solicitors earlier this year drafting a seperation agreement because he refuses to have kids and yeah I am concerned that he is not working but if we are so happy together and in many way I am happy with him he will not give in and I cannot force him. You know what I realises I have put up with things from this man that I would never advise anyone to do what I have done. I am too weak to leave him I am terrified of being left alone if I give up my husband to peruse having children those children will be out of wedlock because of the marraige laws in Ireland and who is to say I could meet someone in time to have children. I should have left him years ago but I was not able and I foolishly thought everything would work out with his work etc.. That he would get control of his depression but that never happened and now we are at a stale mate. Do I give up having children for a man my us and who does not even work? Who does not even look after himself. Why am I trapped in this bloody spell I am on why can't I make up my bloody mind on whether to leave him or not? I tried to leave him and I couldn't stand the pain of being without him he came home after a week of being away afte the last fight about having children. Nothing changed the subject is stil taboo we can't talk about it because it will cause a row and the baby room is painted yellow. This is weird for me I can't imagine life without him but I can't imagine not having children I'm torn I'm heart broken but not angry not anymore I don't even blame him I know he has depression but I feel like life has stopped because of this like we can't ever move on because he is out of work and depressed and I nerv left him when I had the chance on I stuck it out foolishly, I stuck it out because I love him because it hurst to be without him because I want his baby because we were supposed to get married for ever but he let me down

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've gone through 5 years of the worse financial pullback since the Great Depression. Husbands and wives annoyed at unemployed spouses need to educate themselves and show some sympathy and respect.

Oh, please. If you haven't lived it, you just have no idea. OP, I feel for you. My husband has also been unemployed mostly for the last 5 years. He's a disbarred attorney. He works sporadically at low level jobs but has not pulled in more than $20K for 5+ years now. Our lives have changed dramatically. Bankruptcy, foreclosure, no college for the kids (oldest is 21 years old), medical bills (no health insurance), IRS problems, you name it. Life has been extremely stressful for such a long time. My advice for you is to try to get your husband to get some kind of computer certification. In hindsight that would have helped us so much. Too late for us but hopefully not for you.

Oh PP, that must be awful. You're a great woman, I'd be so upset about a disbarment =( (((HUGS))) to you AND OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I know his reasoning is because he is not working and is depressed and my reasoning is that he cannot stop his life and our life together because he has no job as we are financially stable and have a lovely home. In fact reading this back I realise how selfish I sound me and my biological clock but it's all I can think about do I give up having children for this man? Do I wait and live in hope he says some day he hopes to have kids but he is very washy washy about it. We ended up in the solicitors earlier this year drafting a seperation agreement because he refuses to have kids and yeah I am concerned that he is not working but if we are so happy together and in many way I am happy with him he will not give in and I cannot force him. You know what I realises I have put up with things from this man that I would never advise anyone to do what I have done. I am too weak to leave him I am terrified of being left alone if I give up my husband to peruse having children those children will be out of wedlock because of the marraige laws in Ireland and who is to say I could meet someone in time to have children. I should have left him years ago but I was not able and I foolishly thought everything would work out with his work etc.. That he would get control of his depression but that never happened and now we are at a stale mate. Do I give up having children for a man my us and who does not even work? Who does not even look after himself. Why am I trapped in this bloody spell I am on why can't I make up my bloody mind on whether to leave him or not? I tried to leave him and I couldn't stand the pain of being without him he came home after a week of being away afte the last fight about having children. Nothing changed the subject is stil taboo we can't talk about it because it will cause a row and the baby room is painted yellow. This is weird for me I can't imagine life without him but I can't imagine not having children I'm torn I'm heart broken but not angry not anymore I don't even blame him I know he has depression but I feel like life has stopped because of this like we can't ever move on because he is out of work and depressed and I nerv left him when I had the chance on I stuck it out foolishly, I stuck it out because I love him because it hurst to be without him because I want his baby because we were supposed to get married for ever but he let me down

Sounds like you want fundamentally different things out of life. If he can't even agree to have a baby, imagine what it will be like at 2 am when the baby is screaming and you're both exhausted. It's not too late for you to be with someone else if you leave this now. You can love someone and still go your separate ways. Good luck...

[Anonymous]

I can't even begin to tell people the emotions that I have gone thru being long term unemployed. It's been the death of my soul.
My wife has been supportive but I also know how little she thinks of me because of it. All her friends have husbands to brag about. I OTOH am hopelessly worthless.
There are so many reasons for why I am this way. It was a perfect storm that I didn't see coming.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

According to an economist on CNBC this morning the national unemployment rate will be 5.5% by Spring of 2015. Full employment is actually 5% unemployment not 0%.

Unemployment and business cycles are fairly strange. When companies are pessimistic they are looking for people with absolutely perfect credentials and even at that they delay decisions and still may not hire.

When there is full employment 5%, companies will hire the first person who walks through the door.

In the short term be thankful that he loves you all and know this time next year he'll be gainfully employed again do a job you can all feel good about.

Good luck. It all going to be fine. Just be patient a little longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I can't even begin to tell people the emotions that I have gone thru being long term unemployed. It's been the death of my soul.
My wife has been supportive but I also know how little she thinks of me because of it. All her friends have husbands to brag about. I OTOH am hopelessly worthless.
There are so many reasons for why I am this way. It was a perfect storm that I didn't see coming.

Keep your chin up my good man. As my father taught me - and he was a child of the depression - tough times don't last tough people do. Never stop believing in yourself. Never. And as my eldest brother likes to tell me during tough times - don't let the bastards get you down. As for wife, demonstrate fortitude - so few people today have it - to be that shows the real character of a man.

And remember luck is where preparedness and opportunity meet so you make your own luck in life. Get in the morning, every morning, dust your self off, put on your flak jacket and go do battle.

[Anonymous]

The child is lucky to be raised by at least one parent. I'd shut your mouth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I can't even begin to tell people the emotions that I have gone thru being long term unemployed. It's been the death of my soul.
My wife has been supportive but I also know how little she thinks of me because of it. All her friends have husbands to brag about. I OTOH am hopelessly worthless.
There are so many reasons for why I am this way. It was a perfect storm that I didn't see coming.

Keep your chin up my good man. As my father taught me - and he was a child of the depression - tough times don't last tough people do. Never stop believing in yourself. Never. And as my eldest brother likes to tell me during tough times - don't let the bastards get you down. As for wife, demonstrate fortitude - so few people today have it - to be that shows the real character of a man.

And remember luck is where preparedness and opportunity meet so you make your own luck in life. Get in the morning, every morning, dust your self off, put on your flak jacket and go do battle.

+1 This is wise advice. It can be so hard sometimes. But, a good orientation to have each day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I can't even begin to tell people the emotions that I have gone thru being long term unemployed. It's been the death of my soul.
My wife has been supportive but I also know how little she thinks of me because of it. All her friends have husbands to brag about. I OTOH am hopelessly worthless.
There are so many reasons for why I am this way. It was a perfect storm that I didn't see coming.

Keep your chin up my good man. As my father taught me - and he was a child of the depression - tough times don't last tough people do. Never stop believing in yourself. Never. And as my eldest brother likes to tell me during tough times - don't let the bastards get you down. As for wife, demonstrate fortitude - so few people today have it - to be that shows the real character of a man.

And remember luck is where preparedness and opportunity meet so you make your own luck in life. Get in the morning, every morning, dust your self off, put on your flak jacket and go do battle.

God bless you.