Long term unemployed husband

[Anonymous]

OP, what field did your husband work in that you say is dead? What did he do? What are his transferable skills? Are their other fields where they can be applied?

At the PP whose DH is a disbarred attorney, I am sorry you have had such a difficult time. Maybe your DH can seek out something else? My father was also disbarred (his own fault), but he had a back-up as a pilot. He was in the AF before becoming a lawyer, and kept flying in the AF Reserves, so his flying skills were way up to par. Plus, he like flying much more than law anyhow.

[Anonymous]

Your husband should've known that he was living in a fantasy world , the government usually can employ the unemployable for ok salaries but its going to be an adjustment down in income.

[Anonymous]

Agree on the whole childcare aspect. You have to account for him being able to find a well paying job that would cover the cost of daycare and other expenses (gas etc)

[Anonymous]

OP,

This is obviously stressful for you as well. Make a list of 3-5 things that you can do and afford both in time and in money that will help you with your stress. Go for a walk, meditate, read a trashy novel...whatever works for you.

Has you DH been able to talk with a career counselor? Call the Women's Center in Vienna or DC and ask if they accept male clients for career services or could recommend a place. He may need to figure out what his transferable skills are and where they can be applied.

I know this is hard. I wish you both well.

[Anonymous]

Yes computer certification. Look at all Snowden did + Pay with no college degree online certifications. Aside from the trouble he is in now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've gone through 5 years of the worse financial pullback since the Great Depression. Husbands and wives annoyed at unemployed spouses need to educate themselves and show some sympathy and respect.

Oh, please. If you haven't lived it, you just have no idea. OP, I feel for you. My husband has also been unemployed mostly for the last 5 years. He's a disbarred attorney. He works sporadically at low level jobs but has not pulled in more than $20K for 5+ years now. Our lives have changed dramatically. Bankruptcy, foreclosure, no college for the kids (oldest is 21 years old), medical bills (no health insurance), IRS problems, you name it. Life has been extremely stressful for such a long time. My advice for you is to try to get your husband to get some kind of computer certification. In hindsight that would have helped us so much. Too late for us but hopefully not for you.

Curious, what was he disbarred for? Can he get a job as a paralegal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband should've known that he was living in a fantasy world , the government usually can employ the unemployable for ok salaries but its going to be an adjustment down in income.

Bullshit. It is very difficult to get a government job if you don't have an in or aren't entry level (truly entry level, not overqualified and willing to be entry level). Attorney jobs have 700+ applicants at time; I know other positions are similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband should've known that he was living in a fantasy world , the government usually can employ the unemployable for ok salaries but its going to be an adjustment down in income.

Bullshit. It is very difficult to get a government job if you don't have an in or aren't entry level (truly entry level, not overqualified and willing to be entry level). Attorney jobs have 700+ applicants at time; I know other positions are similar.

+1. Or you have to have a unique skill set or qualifications for jobs that are hard to fill.

[Anonymous]

As A Man, I will tell you this, and its not meant as an excuse. For most men, their identity is their job. There is a part of him that knows the truth, but he is in a denial about it. It is too hard to let go of his image of himself. Assuming that he was once an "executive" of some sort at one point, to ask him to become a Target clerk is a painful blow to both his identity and pride. These people are in his mind beneath him. Its impossibly hard for him to become one of these people and worse take orders from them. (-BTW, I'm not making any judgements about Target employees, they're hard working people who deserve respect)

For these guys, its easier to keep hoping that face reality. The truth is that he needs an ass kicking. He needs to realize that any job is better than none. That any income is better than none. That you cannot keep carrying the burden by yourself for the sake of his pride.

That on this day Fathers Day, that he needs to ask himself what it means to be a man and that being a man isnt about the title you have, the suit you wear or the car you drive, its about stepping up and being responsible, ego and pride be damned.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on how old your kids are. If they are in school more than several morning a week, this is not cool. If you come home and have to pull a second shift because he hasn't done enough during the day, that is not cool. But if he is taking care of a couple kids who otherwise would require child care costing 30000 plus and is handling most of the housework, it may make more sense for him to stay home and keep looking for a better job. His excuse for a resume gap can be he decided to stay home while the kids were young. If he is working at target he can't claim that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As A Man, I will tell you this, and its not meant as an excuse. For most men, their identity is their job. There is a part of him that knows the truth, but he is in a denial about it. It is too hard to let go of his image of himself. Assuming that he was once an "executive" of some sort at one point, to ask him to become a Target clerk is a painful blow to both his identity and pride. These people are in his mind beneath him. Its impossibly hard for him to become one of these people and worse take orders from them. (-BTW, I'm not making any judgements about Target employees, they're hard working people who deserve respect)

For these guys, its easier to keep hoping that face reality. The truth is that he needs an ass kicking. He needs to realize that any job is better than none. That any income is better than none. That you cannot keep carrying the burden by yourself for the sake of his pride.

That on this day Fathers Day, that he needs to ask himself what it means to be a man and that being a man isnt about the title you have, the suit you wear or the car you drive, its about stepping up and being responsible, ego and pride be damned.

+ 100

[Anonymous]

OP, I am with you. 3 years is far past an acceptable time to be unemployed. I have seen ex-cons get jobs in this economy that pay 40-50K. Hell, my mom left her super stressful job higher paying gig (IT contractor) for a customer service type position that pays 50-60K with bonuses. And she has zero degrees. You seem totally fine with a pay cut. Hell, anything is raise at this point. There is no excuse for 3 years of unemployment, including depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As A Man, I will tell you this, and its not meant as an excuse. For most men, their identity is their job. There is a part of him that knows the truth, but he is in a denial about it. It is too hard to let go of his image of himself. Assuming that he was once an "executive" of some sort at one point, to ask him to become a Target clerk is a painful blow to both his identity and pride. These people are in his mind beneath him. Its impossibly hard for him to become one of these people and worse take orders from them. (-BTW, I'm not making any judgements about Target employees, they're hard working people who deserve respect)

For these guys, its easier to keep hoping that face reality. The truth is that he needs an ass kicking. He needs to realize that any job is better than none. That any income is better than none. That you cannot keep carrying the burden by yourself for the sake of his pride.

That on this day Fathers Day, that he needs to ask himself what it means to be a man and that being a man isnt about the title you have, the suit you wear or the car you drive, its about stepping up and being responsible, ego and pride be damned.

+ 100

+1000. Men and their sad, fragile egos tied up in their jobs. As PP said, none of that matters. How is he better than someone working at a lower wage job? He eats, sleeps and shits, right? Humility would do DH a lot of good. He needs to get a J-O-B, any J-O-B.

[Anonymous]

I remember a thread here where DH was frustrated that his DW could not or would not get a job. He was lambasted by many women on this forum for being ungrateful, unsympathetic. Etc. I guess women"s lib hasn't come far enough where a man who,doesn't work is not judged as some sort of layabout. Perhaps DW in the other thread can also go work at Target with her Ivy League degrees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remember a thread here where DH was frustrated that his DW could not or would not get a job. He was lambasted by many women on this forum for being ungrateful, unsympathetic. Etc. I guess women"s lib hasn't come far enough where a man who,doesn't work is not judged as some sort of layabout. Perhaps DW in the other thread can also go work at Target with her Ivy League degrees.

Maybe it comes down to being able to bear live humans since the purpose is to propagate the species. If you can't do that, then you need to pull your weight.