Long term unemployed husband

[Anonymous]

OP, is your DH the op of the thread in the jobs forum about switching careers?

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. My DH was unemployed for about three years after being laid off and it was incredibly hard on him. He recently got a new position in a different field that he is extremely happy with, but it was a tough, tough road to get there. To be honest I am still waiting for the bottom to drop out...

The folks who are saying "just get a job, any job" have no idea what they are talking about. My DH applied at places like Target, Best Buy, and even some factories trying to get a job on the line, and he didn't have a lot of luck. No employer believes that a credentialed professional is going to stick around at a job like that, and it creates a real barrier.

During my husband's three years of unemployment, I spent a lot of time reminding him that if he worked a minimum wage job, virtually all of the funds would go to child care. I also explained how the things he did for us around the house were equal to real money in the bank. No gardener, no maid, no bug spraying company because he did all of that stuff. And I emphasized that he was giving his child a wonderful gift by being home with her when she was young and creating a foundation that would serve her for the rest of her life.

Even with all of this, yes, he was very depressed. The fits and starts of a job search can be crushing.

Now, on to your issue - which is also very real and deserved equal airtime here. I know you must be exhausted in every way. Maybe it is time to suggest to your DH that he look seriously into a DIFFERENT field. IT, as many have suggested. Or some other vocation.al tech type of field. There are good, affordable, and relatively brief programs at many community colleges that can get you the certification you need to get into a new area. What about considering relocation? Renting out a room in your house to take away some of the budget crunch, but with your DH doing ALL of the work to make that happen?

Just as importantly, try to be kind to yourself, OP. You are not to blame for this situation either, and you deserve compassion. Don't beat yourself up for feeling extremely frustrated; anyone would. I think you need to tell your parents, respectfully, that when they ask you about it, it makes it even harder, and you will give you an update as soon as there is one.

Finally, I would say that since this is now impacting your happiness, the strength of your marriage, your husband's sense of worth, it is time to pull out ALL the stops. Call in every favor you can think of. Ask relatives if they can employ him. Look for an inside scoop from people you know who work at big companies. Contact alumni networks and press them for help. Any and all cards should be played.

Good luck OP. You guys will get through this if you keep playing on the same team.

[Anonymous]

OP I can totally understand your frustration. But I think it will help your mental health and your family's health more if you focus on the positives and practice gratitude. He cooks and cleans and watches your child AND looks for work? That's awesome! My husband has been unemployed for 4 years on and off since 2005 when we got marrried. He is presently underemployed and every job has fallen in his lap - he has NEVER actively sought a job. He doesn't clean around the house, he rarely cooks, he only eats restaurant and processed food because that is all his stomache will handle (he says). He doesnt eat dinner with me and our child because it gives him anxiety. His hackles go up if I let anyone other than family into the house spontaneously. He smokes weed and if we fight curses and yells at me profusely. Obviously we are looking at divorce because I think split parents is healthier for our child than this. But I have been trying to make it work because I believe marriage is work and children do better if their parents can get along and model something positive.

My point is you have a lot to be grateful for. Take a deep breath maybe take a day off and focus on the fact that he does contribute to the family, even if not in a way you find ideal.

[Anonymous]

This is op- thanks for all the replies its very helpful. Yes I completely agree that it would not make sense to get a minimum wage job where all of it would go towards chikd care- that wouldn't help anyone out in this family- however I would be completely fine if he had a job that only made 50k- really it would help so much and get us out from under the boat.
To the pp who said her husband switched fields- how did he do this and what kind of job does he have? I think my dh is open to other fields - but he doesn't know where to look. And it seems in this economy it's hard enough to find a job in your own field let alone a new one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've gone through 5 years of the worse financial pullback since the Great Depression. Husbands and wives annoyed at unemployed spouses need to educate themselves and show some sympathy and respect.

+1
Fro better or worse....funny how spouses sometimes forget this...my wife and I have had fortunate times and now we are having some hard times as I work to grow a business. Have been exceptionally successful in the past. Definitely struggling - she's pissed and very callous about my business acumen. I am slowly getting to the point, you enjoyed the good times, do not want to work through the tough times so that we can enjoy better times again (my business will eventually provide very nice livelihood) - almost at the point - you have lost the right to enjoy the fruits of my labor so see you later...I want a partner...she doesn't get it. I suspect there are alot of divorces waiting out the economy.

[Anonymous]

Dump him. It sounds as if he is not motivated or focused or something.

[Anonymous]

Op again,

Well Father's day started out OK, then turned into an all out blow out argument. Somehow it was my fault that our child was throwing tantrums and not going to bed. And then it turned into the ever so popular argument about how my family is worthless, doesn't help out enough and my Dad hasn't done enough to find him a job. Really - "find him a job?" like its my dad's responsibility? Everyone in my family or his had tried to help him out with leads. Nothing has worked out -but that's not their fault for crying out loud. Everything is about how its everyone else's fault. He just has an excuse for everything and wants to blame everyone else but himself for not finding a job. It got even worse when he started threatening to leave and take our child with him. Its a low blow that he would even say something like that - and then I thought, can he do that? What kind of judge would allow a father to take a child away from a mother who is working and providing for the family? Seriously, is that possible? What leg would he have to stand on in that argument?

It just makes me sick. He deflects everything as its someone else's fault. This is the part that just kills me the most. He will not take responsibility for his life, or his failures. He will not MAN up. I did not realize this when we got married, but now I see it. Its almost as if he thinks he is entitled to a certain job or a certain life, like he shouldn't have to work for it. I just want to puke.

At this point, I'm starting to wonder if our marriage even has a chance. And our poor innocent little child. I do not want to keep him from his father, but apparently his father has no problem threatening me to take him from me. I don't know what to do anymore....

[Anonymous]

OP,

I've been underemployed, trying to find a job, for a few years. It is brutal out there. I can't even land a job that is beneath me. I'm talking retail, restaurant, etc. Would it make sense for him to do a certificate program at Georgetown or GW? It's tough being in his shoes.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

P.S. Tough for you, too, I know. Again, hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again,

Well Father's day started out OK, then turned into an all out blow out argument. Somehow it was my fault that our child was throwing tantrums and not going to bed. And then it turned into the ever so popular argument about how my family is worthless, doesn't help out enough and my Dad hasn't done enough to find him a job. Really - "find him a job?" like its my dad's responsibility? Everyone in my family or his had tried to help him out with leads. Nothing has worked out -but that's not their fault for crying out loud. Everything is about how its everyone else's fault. He just has an excuse for everything and wants to blame everyone else but himself for not finding a job. It got even worse when he started threatening to leave and take our child with him. Its a low blow that he would even say something like that - and then I thought, can he do that? What kind of judge would allow a father to take a child away from a mother who is working and providing for the family? Seriously, is that possible? What leg would he have to stand on in that argument?

It just makes me sick. He deflects everything as its someone else's fault. This is the part that just kills me the most. He will not take responsibility for his life, or his failures. He will not MAN up. I did not realize this when we got married, but now I see it. Its almost as if he thinks he is entitled to a certain job or a certain life, like he shouldn't have to work for it. I just want to puke.

At this point, I'm starting to wonder if our marriage even has a chance. And our poor innocent little child. I do not want to keep him from his father, but apparently his father has no problem threatening me to take him from me. I don't know what to do anymore....

This definitely sounds like deeper issues than unemployment/a down economy. It doesn't sound like he is taking responsiblity. Why should your dad get him a job? That is weird. I mean, assisting, sure that would be nice but it is not your dad's responsiblity to seek employment for his SIL. It sucks that he thinks certain jobs are beneath him. Everyone has to start somewhere and if he has been out of the job market, he doesn't get to pick any job. Seems like he is a very short term thinker.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you. My DH has been underemployed as in he makes $36k a year for the past three years. All depsite the fact that he has a bachelors and masters degree. He's had a very hard time finding good paying jobs despite working with a career counselor, paying to have his resume re-done, attending numerous job and networking fairs.

Now if your spouse isn't doing these things then yes you need to be very concerned.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is a pretty radical thing but here's my story. DH lost his job in December. We knew in October and he was on "working severance" till the first day of December. Now, the writing had been on the wall (layoffs, cutbacks, etc) so he had actually been in the job market almost a year when it happened. Despite networking, headhunters, and such he had some interviews but in terms of a real prospect - nada... One day a light bulb went off in my head...

I work in a fairly high demand field. I was ready for the next step up so I thought "What if I got a job in a smaller area, cheaper cost of living, where we could live decently on a single income if we had to" I also recalled recruiting an executive to my current work and how we really worked hard to find this candidate's husband a job so she would be enticed to accept our job offer.

DH and I talked it over, selected a handful of prospective states and I started to look. I got a solid offer within 3 months. No promise of a job for DH but a solid promise that they would connect him to every soul in town that could possibly help him land a position. My salary was high enough that we could rent our DC house and swing the rent on a house in the new state. Private school for both kids was less than half of what we were paying for one kid at a DC independent.

My company was true to their word, they networked constantly on my DH behalf, and within 6 weeks of moving he not only had a new job but a promotion. So, long story short, we moved to a cheaper COL area and now have an actually higher salary than we had in DC.

The other day DH looked at me and said "I think we dodged a bullet" and I agreed. I don't know if you're in a position to move out and move up but I can tell you its at least worth considering. The really hard part was leaving our family. We're lifelong DC'ers and now we live in the Midwest.

All along, I kept saying to myself "the kids will adjust to a new home, town and school a lot better than they will adjust to food stamps and being homeless"

Good luck, I really feel for you and hope you are OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again,

Well Father's day started out OK, then turned into an all out blow out argument. Somehow it was my fault that our child was throwing tantrums and not going to bed. And then it turned into the ever so popular argument about how my family is worthless, doesn't help out enough and my Dad hasn't done enough to find him a job. Really - "find him a job?" like its my dad's responsibility? Everyone in my family or his had tried to help him out with leads. Nothing has worked out -but that's not their fault for crying out loud. Everything is about how its everyone else's fault. He just has an excuse for everything and wants to blame everyone else but himself for not finding a job. It got even worse when he started threatening to leave and take our child with him. Its a low blow that he would even say something like that - and then I thought, can he do that? What kind of judge would allow a father to take a child away from a mother who is working and providing for the family? Seriously, is that possible? What leg would he have to stand on in that argument?

It just makes me sick. He deflects everything as its someone else's fault. This is the part that just kills me the most. He will not take responsibility for his life, or his failures. He will not MAN up. I did not realize this when we got married, but now I see it. Its almost as if he thinks he is entitled to a certain job or a certain life, like he shouldn't have to work for it. I just want to puke.

At this point, I'm starting to wonder if our marriage even has a chance. And our poor innocent little child. I do not want to keep him from his father, but apparently his father has no problem threatening me to take him from me. I don't know what to do anymore....

Reverse the gender role, and I have had the same experience going on 5 years. Maybe zdH needs some counseling? Will he go?

[Anonymous]

I can understand the husband. He does not want to tarnish his resume by going off track with any job, because that will make it that much harder to go back to his field. He might also be in denial that he will ever get another job in that field he wants, but he is sticking his head in the sand and refusing to see the reality because he's hurting so much. He's feeling like a failure (he's probably a pessimistic person and a perfectionist), he's disappointed, he has a frail ego, but also a lot of pride. He probably feels very depressed and helpless though he's a highly functioning individual even aggressively networking and may not show signs of depression.

[Anonymous]

Applying to positions beneath one does not necessarily work. I'm a lawyer that used to work at a big firm then got laid off. After a long time of unemployment when I expanded my attempts and applied to jobs "beneath" me, I thought I'd be welcomed. Nope, I never heard back from any one of them.