What do people mean when they say 2 kids is really hard?

[Anonymous]

I have always decided to have only one child. 3 (DH, me, +MIL during weekday 9-5) vs. 1, she is always well cared for. Shes gets all the resources, attention, college fund. We get to go abroad vacations (so far, we've been to Bahama, Japan, China+play with panda, Italy) staying in 1 room. And, we still have our lives as couples.

It just work for us this way.

[Anonymous]

It all depends on the kids, the parents, the situation, etc... A relative with 12 kids (adults now, youngest is in his twenties) tells me for her it was hardest with only one. I also found one more difficult simply because I didn't know what to expect and it was overwhelming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My problem is that I thought it would get easier as the kids get older, but it isn't, it's getting harder. I'm not sure how long I can continue on this treadmill and am wondering if I need to make major lifestyle changes or if it gets easier. Are any of you dual working households? How do you do it with two schoolage children? We have a 3 year old and a 7 year old both with very different needs and I'm afraid it will continue to get harder as they get older since the older one takes up most of the time. The logistics of just coordinating everything takes hours out of my day. The older child's needs are extensive now. Understanding the public school program through my child's eyes, helping with homework, driving to sports and cub scout activities, trying to arrange playdates, teaching responsibility and character skills, empathy, eating and hygeine habits, keeping up with the house and bills, trying to have a social life, have more time for my spouse, exercise to get back in shape, etc, etc. TIA for any help.

]

Does your spouse help? I ask b/c it sounds like you both work and you are doing all on the home front. You might ask him/her to take more on. We both work. My kids are the same age as yours. I find it busy for sure but not overwhelming. We have a housekeeper every other week so that might help? Also how many activities is your older child doing? Our older does music lessons and one sport at a time and that's it. Maybe you need to cut an activity (or maybe a parent who SAH of another child on the team can help with the driving if you host a playdate on the weekend now and then?). We don't do an excessive number of playdates. Maybe one a month. my kids play with their friends at school. We do a date night once a month. Probably a social outing with friends once a month. And then each of us does a social outing separately probably once a month. As for bills/paperwork etc. Try to set aside one hour a week to do this so it's not a little bit here and there every night. So maybe an hour on Sunday or the 15th/30th of every month. Just some ideas.

[Anonymous]

Actually my husband does all the cooking so I can't complain. I have the hour commute so it's too hard for me. Do you think it gets better as the kids get older, stays the same, or gets worse? We can manage, but I kind of feel like I'm running a marathon and just want to do a 5K.

[Anonymous]

PP w/3 under 4 here responding to the PP honestly seeking advice. It's not in any book. Just determine the limits which work for your family and be very, very rigid about these.
Some examples for our family include:
My children cannot cross a street or walk in a parking lot w/o holding hands. If someone doesn't come when I ask them to, I pick them up and leave immediately. If you make a fuss about what's for dinner, the plate is removed but you must sit until others are finished and then ask to be excused, every time. There is absolutely no snacking w/o sitting down (at home or in public). If you don't behave when we go somewhere, we don't go there again until you understand how we expect you to behave. Clothes are laid out the night before and that's what you're expected to wear in the morning. You respond when adults speak to you. You greet people, say please, thank you and good bye. You don't interrupt adults when they are speaking. You say excuse me and then wait to be addressed. You put all toys away before we leave the house and go to bed. You are put back to bed if you get out. You hug your brother or sister if you do something to hurt them. You protect one another from others.
The little ones follow what the 4 YO does so really you're working with one example to set. My 2 YO is much more headstrong and stubborn than my 4 YO but even she wants the positive attention for good behavior. With good behavior comes freedom and fun. Bad behavior is punished immediately with time outs, staying indoors, toys removed, etc. Kids are kids and they test limits constantly. However we feel they need to know they are not in charge. They are not equal members of the family in terms of decisions. This way we can love and enjoy them and still function in society, both in and out of our home.

[Anonymous]

There are challenges in every situation. Whether you don't have children or you have 5. Appreciate your life. Acknowledge the challenges and find a strategy to change them/ accept them. Find more joy than complaint in your day to day life. Your life is what you make it. This thread has officially turned me off of dcum. Be miserable with the children you created. I'm not wasting my time anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are challenges in every situation. Whether you don't have children or you have 5. Appreciate your life. Acknowledge the challenges and find a strategy to change them/ accept them. Find more joy than complaint in your day to day life. Your life is what you make it. This thread has officially turned me off of dcum. Be miserable with the children you created. I'm not wasting my time anymore.

What is your problem?? This thread was specifically asking what people find hard. People responded with honesty and humor. No one is saying they wished they didn't have kids. It's ok to admit that sometimes being a parent sucks, but perhaps you walk on water and never feel like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm taking a 5 min break while DH is getting them ready for bed upstairs and just the sound of all of that -- him asking #1 to do something, #2 whining about something, #1 singing a song and ignoring DH, DH asking a second time, someone yelling about something, ... It just goes on and on and exhausts me down from a distance.

Exactly! No one is ever listening at the same time, or behaving well at the same time (mostly) and when they play nice together, while it may be for 1/2 an hour or so, it feels like only minutes.

[Anonymous]

Picture running from one poop to the next since they poop at the same time, they seem to be hungry at the same time - thus screaming at the same time, but no one sleeps at the same time, so mama never sleeps. Toddler testing boundaries b/c she knows I am struggling (DH is working overseas, left when DD #2 was 2 weeks old - no honey, lunch mayhem is not a good time for skyping). I knew 2 would be hard and was exhaused by one. But they are so cute.

-Mom of 3 yo and 6 week old

[Anonymous]

I think the only people who can say for sure that their parenting completely influenced their kids' behavior are people like C9BL or the Duggars who have enough kids to bear out the theory. Because otherwise, you really have no idea. I have a pretty easy-going and well behaved kid. I also have in my home many of the rules you PP's have mentioned. Does that mean she's well behaved because of my rules? Who knows! Maybe I just got lucky and she happens to be pretty obedient and goes with the flow and doesn't fight me too much on stuff. Now, if I had 10 more kids who were all the same as her, I could say "My parenting created those personalities. They listen to me and my rules because I make them." If I have one or two more kids, they may be totally different from my first. Who the hell knows! Basically, we only get so much credit for how they turn out- good or bad. Sometimes kids are just their own people, in spite of or in addition to the rules of your house and your parenting style.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2 is hard if you have 1 as miserable as people have described on this thread. Sounds like people are raising monsters, not children. We have 3 under 4 and yes, it's tiring and time consuming, but no one's running away, they eat the same meal or don't eat that night, they understand we're a family and we love one another so it's a lot of playing together and helping one another. It's all perspective folks. Expect them to control your lives and they will. Keep control of your lives and kids are a wonderful compliment to it.

This. Another person with 3 under 4 here. I couldn't have said it better myself.

I agree. It is about parenting philosophy and the time you spend teaching your kids how to act. it seesm many of these parents that find it incredibly hard have a child centred parenting philosophy where they just run around after their child reacting to what they are doing, trying to give them what they want to keep them happy. That would be exhausting.

In our house...
Bedtime means bedtime
Stay with mommy means stay with mommy
Don't touch that means don't touch that
I said no means I said no
You need to wait a minute means you need to wait a minute
This is what we are having for dinner means this is what we are having for dinner

It is so much easier. The kids are happy because they have structure and know the expectations and we get to enjoy our time with them because we aren't constantly putting out fires, dealing with power struggles and chasing kids around. I have four in 5 years. One is the most stubborn child you have ever met, another is ADHD and easily distracted and impulsive yet even my two difficult kids have learned how to behave in a respectful and appropriate way. I have never understood the whole child-centred approach, I see it everywhere with parents chasing kids around, calling plaintively to the child to please listen to mommy while the child ignores them and does as they please and mommy has no respect or authority beyond running herself ragged, being owned by her child. They then end up having to deal with tears and screaming and dragging the child away. It is so much more work and so much harder then spending the time early on to teach your kids how to behave and to respect their parents.

Any references for guides on how, exactly, to do this and what parenting behaviors to avoid if you want to enforce appropriate boundaries for your kids consistently? As a first time parent I know where I want to get, but I have difficulty seeing how, exactly, to get there.

I would say that first off, you have to believe in yourself as a parent. So many on here are saying that they don't have any influence over who their child is, you just either 'get' a well behaved child or you 'get' a wild child and nothing you do will influence how your child behaves. This is an extremely defeatist attitude and I disagree with 100%. You do influence your kids - you shape their growth and development, you instil values and beliefs and morals, you teach them how to manage and process emotions and thoughts, you teach them social skills, you teach them emotional and behavioral regulation and frustration tolerance. You teach them how to treat other people, you teach them life skills, you instil confidence and mastery, you build their sense of self, you instil meaning and purpose. You given them a sense of belonging, you teach them that discipline and love can co-exist. How you parent absolutely influences how your child acts and behaves. So start by believing that - if you believe what you do matters, you will feel a sense of responsibility to do it well. Secondly, start young. So many moments are teachable moments. Role model, teach, reinforce, encourage, repeat - it is hours a day, day after day, week after week but the pay off is so worth it. Being able to take your kids out anywhere and knowing they will be well behaved actually makes everyone's life more enjoyable as they get to have so many more fun experiences. Be consistent and firm, no giving in to excuses or demands. Kids flourish with structure. If you set the expectation early, they don't know any different. They don't ever think that refusing to listen or yelling at their parent is permissible. They learn to respect you and to know that you are the parent and when you say something, it carries weight. They learn that they can have a voice and an opinion and express their thoughts and feelings in a way that doesn't involve screaming, crying or throwing fits. They learn that others respect them and treat them kindly when they do likewise. Work with your child's personality, get to know each of them as people, spend time with them learning what matters to them, build individual time with each child into your routine (we do it at bedtime) to just connect.

[Anonymous]

My mom had two daughters (I'm 5.75 years older) and she says it wasn't hard. She said I was incredibly helpful and everyone says I was an easy child. My 1 and only has NOT been an easygoing child so I don't that it would be easy for me with a 2nd. I could end up with another horrible sleeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Totally agree. Somes kids are easy and some are tough. The best parents in the world can have the most difficult child in the world, and that child will still be difficult.

If your ADHD kid really is able to listen to you all the time and behave appropriately at all times, you should really revisit his diagnosis.

In our house ADHD is not a free pass to be rude, disrespectful or to refuse to listen. It just means he needs more supports and a different approach in place to help him listen and follow through. He is still a tough kid, just a well-behaved one. Those are are not mutually exclusive characteristics. Of my 4 kids, only 1 is an easy child. The other 3 are all difficult in their own way yet all are well-behaved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2 is hard if you have 1 as miserable as people have described on this thread. Sounds like people are raising monsters, not children. We have 3 under 4 and yes, it's tiring and time consuming, but no one's running away, they eat the same meal or don't eat that night, they understand we're a family and we love one another so it's a lot of playing together and helping one another. It's all perspective folks. Expect them to control your lives and they will. Keep control of your lives and kids are a wonderful compliment to it.

This. Another person with 3 under 4 here. I couldn't have said it better myself.

I agree. It is about parenting philosophy and the time you spend teaching your kids how to act. it seesm many of these parents that find it incredibly hard have a child centred parenting philosophy where they just run around after their child reacting to what they are doing, trying to give them what they want to keep them happy. That would be exhausting.

In our house...
Bedtime means bedtime
Stay with mommy means stay with mommy
Don't touch that means don't touch that
I said no means I said no
You need to wait a minute means you need to wait a minute
This is what we are having for dinner means this is what we are having for dinner

It is so much easier. The kids are happy because they have structure and know the expectations and we get to enjoy our time with them because we aren't constantly putting out fires, dealing with power struggles and chasing kids around. I have four in 5 years. One is the most stubborn child you have ever met, another is ADHD and easily distracted and impulsive yet even my two difficult kids have learned how to behave in a respectful and appropriate way. I have never understood the whole child-centred approach, I see it everywhere with parents chasing kids around, calling plaintively to the child to please listen to mommy while the child ignores them and does as they please and mommy has no respect or authority beyond running herself ragged, being owned by her child. They then end up having to deal with tears and screaming and dragging the child away. It is so much more work and so much harder then spending the time early on to teach your kids how to behave and to respect their parents.

Any references for guides on how, exactly, to do this and what parenting behaviors to avoid if you want to enforce appropriate boundaries for your kids consistently? As a first time parent I know where I want to get, but I have difficulty seeing how, exactly, to get there.

Not PP, but we've used 1-2-3 Magic to great effect. Be careful about extrapolating from holier-than-thou posts like this, though. Not all kids are the same, and sometimes behavior is bad no matter how great a parent you are.

[Anonymous]

Strcucture, structure, structure and accepting that you cannot do it all. I have 2 (1 over 4 and the other an infant), pregnant with the 3rd, but we have a very cooperative household and my brother moved to DC recently and is extremely active with the kids. Still, between work and home, school (theirs and hubby's), church, home lessons and sports for the older one, you have to give things up. My house is certainly not Martha Stewart's, salad can sometimes be a meal and not just a side (of course, a meal-sized portion, nobody is starving) and the lawn could really use a raking. My eyebrows look odd if I don't fill them in and thank goodness it is cold enough for tights bc I can probably braid the hair on my legs. But this is what we wanted - 3 kids - and we put our all into them. It isn't always easy but this is the life we chose. If you want two or three you can do it and do it well. If you don't want more, my goodness, don't have them. And definitely, if you can afford it, splurge on a house cleaner and a landscaper or whatever service keeps you from doing the crap that you hate to do. Oh, and make friends who don't want kids but who like them - they babysit for free.