Do you secretly resent DH for not making enough money for you to be a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sometimes resent my husband for not making more money so that I can work part time. I don't want to SAH full time, but I really wish I didn't work so many hours.

Moreso, I resent my husband for making $30K a year. I understand the job market, but it puts way more stress on me than I am comfortable with, and I get angry about it.

I'd also like to add the caveat that he is wonderful in terms of support and I am very lucky. I try not to be this way. He's a great dad and an amazing husband. It's just hard to be the breadwinner.

Great dad and amazing husband but you gotta know, $30K is barely enough to live on in DC, he really needs to look into another line of work.

[Anonymous]

I'm the breadwinner too. I don't resent DH for not earning enough but I do resent how he spends what he earns. He just blows through it unless I nag him about saving.

[Anonymous]

Fwiw, I echo the posters who mention that having a relationship that an afford one parent to stay home does come with strings, people tend to forget the trade off. My dh I used to make exactly the same $, then we relocated to the area for his job (more money), and we started a family. Needless to say my life and career has revolved around his Job. Although we can afford for me to stay home, it's practically not even an option for me given his very long days, travel and Constant work stress. All child and home duties are on my plate and he's barely ever home. Not sure if it helps puT things in perspective, but the grass isn't always greener

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I resent it and not always so secretly. We had always planned on me staying at home but my career took off when his didn't. He makes less than half of what I do and his salary barely covers daycare. He's just not suited to be a SAHD though and if he did SAH, I would probably be extremely jealous.

Could have written this myself. Also, even though DH makes way less than me, his hours are longer and he is rarely even home when DS is awake... So not only do I work full time, but I take care of DS by myself as well.

Same here! -- only we have two kids. I understand a lot of the high earner spouses saying that a higher pay often comes with less flexibility or more hours, but sometimes lower paying jobs (like DH's) do too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the breadwinner too. I don't resent DH for not earning enough but I do resent how he spends what he earns. He just blows through it unless I nag him about saving.

this, definitely! He spends way more on himself than I do on myself - personal trainer, private tennis lessons, monthly haircuts and pretty much anything that strikes his fancy (expensive deoderants, books, clothes) - he probably makes enough to support himself only - my income is what pays for our overhead and savings. It drives me crazy, because I'm pretty good with money, and I don't deny myself, but I definitely think twice on what things cost and don't treat myself on a regular basis. Grrr.

[Anonymous]

We both have careers we love. I would resent him for being able to pursue that if I stayed home. His job is intense but flexible so he often covers sick days, pediatrician appointments, and we share in drop off and pick up duties. I would resent him if he had such an intense job that I couldn't work.

[Anonymous]

To answer your question succinctly-- no, I don't. However OP, if staying home is what you REALLY want, I think there's a way you can make it happen. MAking it happen might require significant change in your lifestyles, or even moving to a different part of the country but it's likely feasible.

My SIL stays at home with 5 kids. Her husband is a public school teacher and doesn't work summers, so they are making 65K tops (and I imagine it's less). She brings a whole new level to the work frugal. It's not for me, but it's what they want as a family and they have found a way to make it work. And no, they aren't in debt accept for a very reasonable mortgage.

[Anonymous]

How much money are we talking here?

My DH makes 130-160K depending on the year and I could easily be a SAHM still afford 1st mortgage + rent and traveling several times per year. My coworker makes 100K and has a SAHW. He doesn't travel, but owns a house.

So are y'all really complaining about how much your husband makes or making sacrifices (i.e. Starbucks, haircuts, travel) to stay at home?

[Anonymous]

No.

Cautionary tale here. I desperately wanted to SAH and I really pushed for it with DH. He relented and we tried it. What I underestimated was the pressure and burden on him trying to make it work financially. I also neglected to see the impact that it was having on his health and personality. He resented me staying home and putting the burden on him and I resented him because he was not the same energetic, funny guy that I thought I married. What he really resented was that I changed the rules of the game AFTER the kids were here. It was not something we discussed heavily before DD1 was born, so we did not really prepare for it. We had a really rough time for 3-4 years.

Also, if a couple decides to put most of the financial burden on the DH (or breadwinning DW), the SAH should bear most of the child care/household burden – that’s the partnership aspect of it. IMO, a SAH cannot really complain because the WOH has worked a 10.5 hour day and won’t do night duty with a sick child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:.

So are y'all really complaining about how much your husband makes or making sacrifices (i.e. Starbucks, haircuts, travel) to stay at home?

A PP here. This is a very good point. For the OP and others who are/have been resentful, is the issue that you cannot afford to SAH at al or is it that you cannot afford to SAH and maintain your current 2 income lifestyle?

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should live within your means and move somewhere where you can afford that. stop buying things to keep up with the jones' and do wha tyou can to make it work. It isn't hard to do

[Anonymous]

Of course not. I make more than he does, and I'd be miserable as a SAHM. I think he occasionally wishes I made more so he could SAH, especially since our kids are gone more than 30 hours each week now lol. Don't be sexist!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No.

Cautionary tale here. I desperately wanted to SAH and I really pushed for it with DH. He relented and we tried it. What I underestimated was the pressure and burden on him trying to make it work financially. I also neglected to see the impact that it was having on his health and personality. He resented me staying home and putting the burden on him and I resented him because he was not the same energetic, funny guy that I thought I married. What he really resented was that I changed the rules of the game AFTER the kids were here. It was not something we discussed heavily before DD1 was born, so we did not really prepare for it. We had a really rough time for 3-4 years.

Also, if a couple decides to put most of the financial burden on the DH (or breadwinning DW), the SAH should bear most of the child care/household burden – that’s the partnership aspect of it. IMO, a SAH cannot really complain because the WOH has worked a 10.5 hour day and won’t do night duty with a sick child

Agreed. Were you able to go back to work?

[Anonymous]

"So, yes. I resent that I still have to work AND provide him with the lifestyle that his dad had. But because I work, I know that I have the option to walk out. Sometimes that is very tempting. "

YES + 10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much money are we talking here?

My DH makes 130-160K depending on the year and I could easily be a SAHM still afford 1st mortgage + rent and traveling several times per year. My coworker makes 100K and has a SAHW. He doesn't travel, but owns a house.

So are y'all really complaining about how much your husband makes or making sacrifices (i.e. Starbucks, haircuts, travel) to stay at home?

My DH makes $60K.