When did it become OK to skip 'thank you' notes for birthday gifts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is honestly too short for this type of nonsense. I can't believe you are sitting around obsessing about this. Thank you notes were great in the 19th C, but nowadays (most) people are too busy with careers, children, relationships, extra-curricular stuff. I don't bother with thank-you notes, when people send them to me I just find it irritating.

I am sorry if you find this rude, but that is the way it is. in the olden days it was considered rude not to provide calling cards every time you went to see people, not any more. Times change.

The true purpose of manners and etiquette is to put others at ease and make them feel welcome. Unfortunately rigid adherence to these rules as a way to allow you to judge others is far more common.
And as PP said, the purpose of a gift is to bring others happiness, you should not do it in expectation of a thank you card.

I agree with you...if I've thanked someone verbally, then why ALSO write a note? Because my mom made me do it? Most people write some totally unmeaningful and formula just because they "have" to...it holds no meaning. I would much prefer if someone wrote me a meaningful note completely out of the blue than give me a thank you note just because.

And...no, if someone showed up to a birthday party without a single thing, even a card, I wouldn't be offended. Gifts are a nicety, not a requirement. Just like thank you notes.

Yes gifts are a nicety and that is why you should take 20-30 minutes to be nice and write people notes to say thank you and thank you for taking time out of your day or weekend to celebrate.

Lack of manners and graciousness is one of the biggest problems in this country. People are just too busy and self obsessed to be polite.

Really? Poverty, homelessness, the war in Iraq, child abuse and neglect, lack of healthcare, deteriorating schools, high school drop out rate...I could go on, but suffice it to say I do not place thank you notes on my list of this country's ills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:off topic but somewhat related re: manners in general...I am also appalled at people who:

1. attend a wedding and never sendany gift - does NOT have to be expensive - just SOMETHING
2. people who do not RSVP

Actually according to Amy Vanderbilt... if you attend a wedding you are not required to send a gift, but in most cases you will want to because you are close enough to the bride and groom to be included in their special day.

I agree with you about the RSVPs

[Anonymous]

This is all so funny. Every few months a thread on TY notes comes up and it is hilarious. Is this a southern/mid atlantic east coast thing or perhaps just a few posters? I just can't believe that many people get their knickers in a knot about receiving TY notes.

For those who worry about whether a gift was received if you sent it on-line, why not just track it? Most on-line retailers offer a tracking services connected to UPS or whatever carrier they happen to be using. You simply check to see if it was delivered. Many of our family are out on the West Coast and we often run into last minute gift buying and this works great to track if it got there in time.

The mean spirited way some of the overly pro TY posters attacked the eco poster really drives home the point about those who slavishly follow etiquette and use it to feel superior or judge others actually being the ones with the worst character and manners out there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is honestly too short for this type of nonsense. I can't believe you are sitting around obsessing about this. Thank you notes were great in the 19th C, but nowadays (most) people are too busy with careers, children, relationships, extra-curricular stuff. I don't bother with thank-you notes, when people send them to me I just find it irritating.

I am sorry if you find this rude, but that is the way it is. in the olden days it was considered rude not to provide calling cards every time you went to see people, not any more. Times change.

The true purpose of manners and etiquette is to put others at ease and make them feel welcome. Unfortunately rigid adherence to these rules as a way to allow you to judge others is far more common.
And as PP said, the purpose of a gift is to bring others happiness, you should not do it in expectation of a thank you card.

I agree with you...if I've thanked someone verbally, then why ALSO write a note? Because my mom made me do it? Most people write some totally unmeaningful and formula just because they "have" to...it holds no meaning. I would much prefer if someone wrote me a meaningful note completely out of the blue than give me a thank you note just because.

And...no, if someone showed up to a birthday party without a single thing, even a card, I wouldn't be offended. Gifts are a nicety, not a requirement. Just like thank you notes.

Yes gifts are a nicety and that is why you should take 20-30 minutes to be nice and write people notes to say thank you and thank you for taking time out of your day or weekend to celebrate.

Lack of manners and graciousness is one of the biggest problems in this country. People are just too busy and self obsessed to be polite.

Really? Poverty, homelessness, the war in Iraq, child abuse and neglect, lack of healthcare, deteriorating schools, high school drop out rate...I could go on, but suffice it to say I do not place thank you notes on my list of this country's ills.

I didn't say thank you notes...I said manners...yes it is one of the biggest problems...not the biggest...you must be so busy with your liberal causes that you don't have time to write your notes...you poor dear..

[Anonymous]

OK, I'm hooked ......why should anyone care what "Amy Vanderbilt" thinks and why would you give her the power to define your behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is honestly too short for this type of nonsense. I can't believe you are sitting around obsessing about this. Thank you notes were great in the 19th C, but nowadays (most) people are too busy with careers, children, relationships, extra-curricular stuff. I don't bother with thank-you notes, when people send them to me I just find it irritating.

I am sorry if you find this rude, but that is the way it is. in the olden days it was considered rude not to provide calling cards every time you went to see people, not any more. Times change.

The true purpose of manners and etiquette is to put others at ease and make them feel welcome. Unfortunately rigid adherence to these rules as a way to allow you to judge others is far more common.
And as PP said, the purpose of a gift is to bring others happiness, you should not do it in expectation of a thank you card.

Good grief, who raised you?

Actually, my mother was obsessed with thank you notes, which is part of the reason I dislike them so much!
But I think your response spoke well to my point about smug superiority and judgement.

Well...at least you mom tried to raise you right...

What a mean-spirited post in the defense of manners.

[Anonymous]

OP here ... yikes. I feel as though I have received a few direct, honest responses to my question way back there, which is, if you don't send thank you's, why is that? I appreciate the PPs who answered that question. I am sorry if my first post led everyone to think I am planning to even the score someday.

But. I truly have no idea whatsoever whether 2 of the 4 kids I cited in my OP even received the gifts I bought for them. For all I know, one is still sitting in the lost and found at Silver Stars gymnastic academy.

So to go back to the people who said that the real and true point of manners is to make others feel at ease, welcomed, and so on .... I would humbly suggest that letting gift givers know that you/your child did in fact receive a mailed gift or a gift left in a pile at a typical DC birthday party fits squarely into your definition of manners.

It's not that hard, and it's not a question of elitism or being old-fashioned. It's just being nice. If you have thanked someone in person, great. If you haven't, then they should be thanked SOMEHOW.

[Anonymous]

"Really? Poverty, homelessness, the war in Iraq, child abuse and neglect, lack of healthcare, deteriorating schools, high school drop out rate...I could go on, but suffice it to say I do not place thank you notes on my list of this country's ills. "

"I didn't say thank you notes...I said manners...yes it is one of the biggest problems...not the biggest...you must be so busy with your liberal causes that you don't have time to write your notes...you poor dear.. "


Hmmm ......so from your post..... conservatives are pro-poverty, pro homelessness, pro war, pro child abuse and neglect, pro no healthcare, pro deteriorating schools, pro high school drop out rate....but anti-fall of western civiliation because Tuppy didn't get a handwritten Thank You card. I hope you are to busy owriting TY notes on election day to vote

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is honestly too short for this type of nonsense. I can't believe you are sitting around obsessing about this. Thank you notes were great in the 19th C, but nowadays (most) people are too busy with careers, children, relationships, extra-curricular stuff. I don't bother with thank-you notes, when people send them to me I just find it irritating.

I am sorry if you find this rude, but that is the way it is. in the olden days it was considered rude not to provide calling cards every time you went to see people, not any more. Times change.

The true purpose of manners and etiquette is to put others at ease and make them feel welcome. Unfortunately rigid adherence to these rules as a way to allow you to judge others is far more common.
And as PP said, the purpose of a gift is to bring others happiness, you should not do it in expectation of a thank you card.

I agree with you...if I've thanked someone verbally, then why ALSO write a note? Because my mom made me do it? Most people write some totally unmeaningful and formula just because they "have" to...it holds no meaning. I would much prefer if someone wrote me a meaningful note completely out of the blue than give me a thank you note just because.

And...no, if someone showed up to a birthday party without a single thing, even a card, I wouldn't be offended. Gifts are a nicety, not a requirement. Just like thank you notes.

Yes gifts are a nicety and that is why you should take 20-30 minutes to be nice and write people notes to say thank you and thank you for taking time out of your day or weekend to celebrate.

Lack of manners and graciousness is one of the biggest problems in this country. People are just too busy and self obsessed to be polite.

Really? Poverty, homelessness, the war in Iraq, child abuse and neglect, lack of healthcare, deteriorating schools, high school drop out rate...I could go on, but suffice it to say I do not place thank you notes on my list of this country's ills.

I didn't say thank you notes...I said manners...yes it is one of the biggest problems...not the biggest...you must be so busy with your liberal causes that you don't have time to write your notes...you poor dear..

This is just so sad. You are talking about manners and graciousness and you clearly possess neither. I pray you do not have kids of your own if you think that the issues I listed are "liberal causes."

And I always write thank you notes. I do not, however, use that as an excuse to be a self-righteous beast who is devoid of compassion.

Puzzling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, I'm hooked ......why should anyone care what "Amy Vanderbilt" thinks and why would you give her the power to define your behavior?

Because Emily Post and Amy Vanderbilt wrote the premier books on manners, they are the Merrium Webster of manners. I was quoting her in order to back up my point. I use her book as a guide. You should buy a copy...you might like it and find it helpful.

[Anonymous]

"I use her book as a guide. "

I wonder how many men, especially sucessful ones or those in positions of power read these books? There was another book on how to find a husband in a year that was very populat a few years back too. Scary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Really? Poverty, homelessness, the war in Iraq, child abuse and neglect, lack of healthcare, deteriorating schools, high school drop out rate...I could go on, but suffice it to say I do not place thank you notes on my list of this country's ills. "

"I didn't say thank you notes...I said manners...yes it is one of the biggest problems...not the biggest...you must be so busy with your liberal causes that you don't have time to write your notes...you poor dear.. "


Hmmm ......so from your post..... conservatives are pro-poverty, pro homelessness, pro war, pro child abuse and neglect, pro no healthcare, pro deteriorating schools, pro high school drop out rate....but anti-fall of western civiliation because Tuppy didn't get a handwritten Thank You card. I hope you are to busy owriting TY notes on election day to vote

Love it - thanks. I'm the one who suggested thank you notes are not up there on my list of things wrong with this country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, I'm hooked ......why should anyone care what "Amy Vanderbilt" thinks and why would you give her the power to define your behavior?

Because Emily Post and Amy Vanderbilt wrote the premier books on manners, they are the Merrium Webster of manners. I was quoting her in order to back up my point. I use her book as a guide. You should buy a copy...you might like it and find it helpful.

Our country is far to heterogenous to assume that the dictates of these two "women" apply. I use quotes because both of the actual woman died over 30 years ago, so now it's just some self-appointed heirs cashing in on their names, deciding what is/is not proper manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, I'm hooked ......why should anyone care what "Amy Vanderbilt" thinks and why would you give her the power to define your behavior?

Because Emily Post and Amy Vanderbilt wrote the premier books on manners, they are the Merrium Webster of manners. I was quoting her in order to back up my point. I use her book as a guide. You should buy a copy...you might like it and find it helpful.

Our country is far to heterogenous to assume that the dictates of these two "women" apply. I use quotes because both of the actual woman died over 30 years ago, so now it's just some self-appointed heirs cashing in on their names, deciding what is/is not proper manners.

Then don't buy her book...you are the one that asked darling...I was just trying to help you out and be kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, I'm hooked ......why should anyone care what "Amy Vanderbilt" thinks and why would you give her the power to define your behavior?

Because Emily Post and Amy Vanderbilt wrote the premier books on manners, they are the Merrium Webster of manners. I was quoting her in order to back up my point. I use her book as a guide. You should buy a copy...you might like it and find it helpful.

Our country is far to heterogenous to assume that the dictates of these two "women" apply. I use quotes because both of the actual woman died over 30 years ago, so now it's just some self-appointed heirs cashing in on their names, deciding what is/is not proper manners.

Then don't buy her book...you are the one that asked darling...I was just trying to help you out and be kind.

Actually, I didn't ask. That was another poster.

Do you see the irony in relying on etiquette in your snarky post? Do Ms. Post or Ms. Vanderbilt say it's polite to refer to me as "darling?"