When did it become OK to skip 'thank you' notes for birthday gifts?

[Anonymous]

For all the people who say thank you notes are ridiculous because they are generic and meaningless and don't actually say anything, here's an idea -- write a better one, one that's not generic or meaningless! I would never send a thank you note (or allow my child to send a thank you note) that just said, "Dear X, Thanks for Y. From, Bill."

It's not that hard, and it's not a question of elitism or being old-fashioned. It's just being nice. If you have thanked someone in person, great. If you haven't, then they should be thanked SOMEHOW. I prefer written notes myself, but I would never look down on someone who called or sent a personal email -- I'd just appreciate that they made the effort to say thanks.

And if you really hate (or claim to be too busy) to write thank you notes after a child's birthday party, maybe you should host a birthday party and politely request no gifts.

It is a sad state when people make excuses about why it's unnecessary to say thank you (and why people who still do so and still expect it are terrible). Luckily, I don't believe this board is truly representative of most people's views. What a miserable, mean society we'd live in if it were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For all the people who say thank you notes are ridiculous because they are generic and meaningless and don't actually say anything, here's an idea -- write a better one, one that's not generic or meaningless! I would never send a thank you note (or allow my child to send a thank you note) that just said, "Dear X, Thanks for Y. From, Bill."

It's not that hard, and it's not a question of elitism or being old-fashioned. It's just being nice. If you have thanked someone in person, great. If you haven't, then they should be thanked SOMEHOW. I prefer written notes myself, but I would never look down on someone who called or sent a personal email -- I'd just appreciate that they made the effort to say thanks.

And if you really hate (or claim to be too busy) to write thank you notes after a child's birthday party, maybe you should host a birthday party and politely request no gifts.

It is a sad state when people make excuses about why it's unnecessary to say thank you (and why people who still do so and still expect it are terrible). Luckily, I don't believe this board is truly representative of most people's views. What a miserable, mean society we'd live in if it were.

Yeah! Finally a sensible post! Thank you for renewing my faith in DCUM!

[Anonymous]

I cannot believe this subject has FIVE PAGES of posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe this subject has FIVE PAGES of posts.

And you are helping get it to SIX.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's just another indication of our declining society: cutting someone off in traffic, not picking up after your dog, having loud obscenity-laden conversations in front of my kids, lousy customer service, and posting nasty things anonymously on websites... all the same phenomenon, and not something to be proud of. The fact that people have the nerve to try to defend such a blantant lack of courtesy and consideration is further proof that we just don't care about anyone but ourselves anymore.

Respectfully, I think TY notes are different from the other examples you've posted above. I don't do any of those things, but neither do I write TY notes. My own experience is that many people who are ADAMANT about TYs nonetheless cut people off in traffic, lean on the horn, etc. So I guess we can agree there are different ways people can be thoughtful and respectful of others.

But the odd thing about TY notes, is people get in such a snit over them, like its the sole (or most important) indication of someone's manners.

Kind of reminds me of the "good Christians" who faithfully go to church every Sunday, and then flick off the driver next to them on their way out of the church parking lot.

[Anonymous]

PP here, just wanted to clarify I DO write TY notes, but not for things like my 5 year old's birthday gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's just another indication of our declining society: cutting someone off in traffic, not picking up after your dog, having loud obscenity-laden conversations in front of my kids, lousy customer service, and posting nasty things anonymously on websites... all the same phenomenon, and not something to be proud of. The fact that people have the nerve to try to defend such a blantant lack of courtesy and consideration is further proof that we just don't care about anyone but ourselves anymore.

Respectfully, I think TY notes are different from the other examples you've posted above. I don't do any of those things, but neither do I write TY notes. My own experience is that many people who are ADAMANT about TYs nonetheless cut people off in traffic, lean on the horn, etc. So I guess we can agree there are different ways people can be thoughtful and respectful of others.

But the odd thing about TY notes, is people get in such a snit over them, like its the sole (or most important) indication of someone's manners.

Kind of reminds me of the "good Christians" who faithfully go to church every Sunday, and then flick off the driver next to them on their way out of the church parking lot.

YEAH!! Finally a sensible post. Thanks for renewing my faith in DCUM!!

[Anonymous]

Oh my oh my....this is one heated topic.

I think that thank you cards are very nice and I always appreciate getting them, but I don't think they are NECESSARY if I was thanked in person or if the individual called me up and thanked me over the phone. Of course, this does not include wedding/shower gifts where TY cards are absolutely required.

The only time I get annoyed (though not seriously so) is when I send a gift online that is sent directly from the merchandiser to the receipient and I don't get a thank you. The reason is that I never know for sure if they even got the gift!! So, THOSE are a necessity I think...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
And by the way, I DO cherish notes I receive. I have a large bulletin board in my kitchen where I tack holiday and birthday cards, pictures of friends and their children, and yes, thank-you notes. I stand there and re-read them while I'm waiting for my coffee to perk or my bagel to toast. When the board gets too full, I take things down and put them in an accordian file for that year. I've gone back through it from time to time. The cards people gave at my wedding and sent when my babies were born are especially precious.

I love the idea of going back through your accordian file of thank-you notes. The summer evenings must just fly by!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it make you all so angry that I think cards are environmentally unfriendly? I think a lot of things are environmentally unfriendly, and I try to do my part to reduce unnecessary consumption/waste/pollution. Am I perfect? Definitely not. But I am also not an evil person b/c I think an in person thank you or an e-mail thank you is an acceptable way to say thanks. You guys are really really wound up tight. It's amusing.

If you're going to say you don't send cards because they are not eco-friendly - you better walk the talk. That's all we're saying.

I'm the PP who pointed out that you can buy recycled paper and recycle the notes you receive. I am neither angry nor wound up too tight, as you suggest. Truthfully, I could care less if you don't send thank you notes. I was merely making a simple point/suggestion to which you seem rather defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sent thank you cards via internet and I noticed some folks did not bother to open it...

That's because you sent them via the internet! Please take the 20-30 minutes and work with you children to write thank you notes. They are very appreciated and help your kids learn things in the long run. Like good manners and the importance of a thank you note after a job interview when that day comes.

It really does not take that long!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is honestly too short for this type of nonsense. I can't believe you are sitting around obsessing about this. Thank you notes were great in the 19th C, but nowadays (most) people are too busy with careers, children, relationships, extra-curricular stuff. I don't bother with thank-you notes, when people send them to me I just find it irritating.

I am sorry if you find this rude, but that is the way it is. in the olden days it was considered rude not to provide calling cards every time you went to see people, not any more. Times change.

The true purpose of manners and etiquette is to put others at ease and make them feel welcome. Unfortunately rigid adherence to these rules as a way to allow you to judge others is far more common.
And as PP said, the purpose of a gift is to bring others happiness, you should not do it in expectation of a thank you card.

I agree with you...if I've thanked someone verbally, then why ALSO write a note? Because my mom made me do it? Most people write some totally unmeaningful and formula just because they "have" to...it holds no meaning. I would much prefer if someone wrote me a meaningful note completely out of the blue than give me a thank you note just because.

And...no, if someone showed up to a birthday party without a single thing, even a card, I wouldn't be offended. Gifts are a nicety, not a requirement. Just like thank you notes.

Yes gifts are a nicety and that is why you should take 20-30 minutes to be nice and write people notes to say thank you and thank you for taking time out of your day or weekend to celebrate.

Lack of manners and graciousness is one of the biggest problems in this country. People are just too busy and self obsessed to be polite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, interesting thread. I personally think you should always send a thank you note.

But what do people think about a electronic thank you card. I heard that even wedding invitations are now being sent via email.

I think the poster who is "eco conscious" has a point; but that doesnt' get you out of the work of writing a personalized email thank you card, IMO.

Email thank you notes are tacky...eco reasons or no eco reasons...you are just using planet earth as an excuse for not doing it.

[Anonymous]

For the people who get so wound up by the lack of thank you notes, I really don't think this is simply about gratitude. It's about How Things Are Done. This seems like another persnickity area where women judge other women. If you don't get a thank you note and it bothers you, who do you get upset with? The child? The dad? No, most likely the mother. Do you know any men who get upset if they do not receive a handwritten, stamped, U.S.P.S.-delivered thank you note?

Oh, and I do send handwritten thank you notes. To put another perspective on things, my parents are immigrants to the U.S. My parents never "taught" to write thank you notes. My parents actually expected me to call and thank the person. To them, that was much more personal than a handwritten note. Also, when I grew up, I never received a written thank you note for a child's birthday gift/party (nor did my parents) -- and that includes the regular old American kids too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is honestly too short for this type of nonsense. I can't believe you are sitting around obsessing about this. Thank you notes were great in the 19th C, but nowadays (most) people are too busy with careers, children, relationships, extra-curricular stuff. I don't bother with thank-you notes, when people send them to me I just find it irritating.

I am sorry if you find this rude, but that is the way it is. in the olden days it was considered rude not to provide calling cards every time you went to see people, not any more. Times change.

The true purpose of manners and etiquette is to put others at ease and make them feel welcome. Unfortunately rigid adherence to these rules as a way to allow you to judge others is far more common.
And as PP said, the purpose of a gift is to bring others happiness, you should not do it in expectation of a thank you card.

Good grief, who raised you?

Actually, my mother was obsessed with thank you notes, which is part of the reason I dislike them so much!
But I think your response spoke well to my point about smug superiority and judgement.

Well...at least you mom tried to raise you right...