When did it become OK to skip 'thank you' notes for birthday gifts?

[Anonymous]

As I'm sitting here wrapping yet another present, for another birthday party, another $20 spent ... I just realized that my son (5) hasn't received an acknowledgment for the last 3 or 4 gifts he's brought to a party this spring. I am beginning to suspect that this is a trend?

Anyway, I know this topic has been covered before but I have a fairly specific question: for those of you who have had birthday parties this year for your children (let's say, ages 3 to 7), and who did not acknowledge the gifts your child received (via email, note in US mail, whatever) .... what is your reason? For the sake of discussion, may we assume that some of the gifts were *not* from your very best girlfriends, with whom you have a long-developed understanding that thank you's aren't necessary.

I know this is sort of a loaded question, but I am totally sincere in wanting to know what the modern deal is.

Also, another related question. For those that don't acknowledge their kids' gifts, would you personally be irked if you realized that my son attended your child's party and did not bring your child a gift (but did bring a card)?

[Anonymous]

Just had to say that when my stepson received gifts at his four-year old birthday party, I made a big point of having him dictate thank-you cards to me as I wrote them out (then he signed them). We did it the next day.

I can't understand the lack of thank-you notes. If for no other reason, it's a really good lesson to teach children -- when you get a gift, you thank people!

[Anonymous]

I would suspect the people who did not send a thank you note are either rude or completely harried. Probably the former.

No one is really going to respond "Because I was rude." Gifts from friends, neighbors, family--doesn't matter. All should be acknowleged.

Do the right thing and teach your children the same. That's all you can really do.

[Anonymous]

Etiquette experts say that a thank you note is always proper, but not REQUIRED when gifts are received in person and the giver is personally thanked at the time of receipt. Not that the people you are talking about necessarily know that. And because this is such an impressionable age to teach your kids to be thankful, I think its important to try.

[Anonymous]

I sent thank you cards via internet and I noticed some folks did not bother to open it...

[Anonymous]

I do the best I can. I write about 4 or 5 thank you notes every weekday I'm not at work and have the child (if old enough) sign it (not old enough to write them yet). But there are always about 3 or 4 that, for some reason, don't get written. Usually it's the ones where the cards were detached from the gifts and I don't know who sent what and can't remember exactly who was at the party so can't ask.

I know it's no excuse, but it's the truth.

[Anonymous]

I think it is environmentally unfriendly to send thank you notes, so I do not do so. I don't think it is rude, but eco-conscious.

[Anonymous]

Maybe this was not your intent but your post sounds very rude. Are you upset that you haven't received Thank You cards, no longer want to give gifts because you feel your efforts are not validated or others don't follow your rules of etiquette?

I would never be irked or upset if someone showed up with a card rather than a gift for any reason! A b-day party should be about fun, children and friends playing together and not material gifts or more plastic!

I would not think highly of someone who chose not to give a gift because they felt slighted about others not giving them back a Thank You card. I wouldn't care about DC not getting another gift. It just sounds so petty and against the whole idea if giving a gift to bring happiness to someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is environmentally unfriendly to send thank you notes, so I do not do so. I don't think it is rude, but eco-conscious.

LOL! Thread-weaver of the week award! Now if you can just work in SAHMs, Obama, and CIO, we'll have the most perfect tongue-in-cheek post ever.

[Anonymous]

Life is honestly too short for this type of nonsense. I can't believe you are sitting around obsessing about this. Thank you notes were great in the 19th C, but nowadays (most) people are too busy with careers, children, relationships, extra-curricular stuff. I don't bother with thank-you notes, when people send them to me I just find it irritating.

I am sorry if you find this rude, but that is the way it is. in the olden days it was considered rude not to provide calling cards every time you went to see people, not any more. Times change.

The true purpose of manners and etiquette is to put others at ease and make them feel welcome. Unfortunately rigid adherence to these rules as a way to allow you to judge others is far more common.
And as PP said, the purpose of a gift is to bring others happiness, you should not do it in expectation of a thank you card.

[Anonymous]

I have had birthday parties for my 3 children for 12 years, and my children thank each child as they open the gift, and then they all play with the gifts together. I think that sending thank you cards for gifts that the giver has been thanked personally for is ridiculous. Your child has been thanked - just because you might not have been there personally should not count.

We send goodie bags home with the kids and my children always went to the door with each guest to say good bye and thank you again. The follow up note would be overkill in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

I am the "eco" poster from above. I guess I am glad I made you LOL but I did not mean for my comment to be taken as a joke. I am serious. I think snail mail thank you cards are horrible for the environment.

[Anonymous]

I think you should thank the person for not only the gift, but also for coming to your party and helping you celebrate the occasion. I have 1 friend who NEVER sends thank you's and it is a little annoying because she would find it totally rude if you showed up without a gift.

[Anonymous]

Thank you notes were great in the 19th C, but nowadays (most) people are too busy with careers, children, relationships, extra-curricular stuff. I don't bother with thank-you notes, when people send them to me I just find it irritating.

Too busy for good manners? That's sweet. And fine if you are not polite enough to send a thank you note, but getting irritated with people who do it? That's the height of rudeness and ingratitude.

I agree with the PP that strict etiquette dictates that when the gift is opened in front of the giver and personally acknowledged, a written follow-up is not required. However, most people (the above-quoted poster aside!) appreciate them, plus I want to teach my child good manners, so in my opinion, they are always a good thing.

But anyway, OP... I guess you got your answer, and I guess the answer IS that some people are just rude. This just reinforces my commitment to teach my child that thank-you notes should always be sent. If some people think that is outdated or old-fashioned, well, I would much rather err on the side of "old-fashioned but gracious" rather than "too modern and too busy to acknowledge a kindness."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is honestly too short for this type of nonsense. I can't believe you are sitting around obsessing about this. Thank you notes were great in the 19th C, but nowadays (most) people are too busy with careers, children, relationships, extra-curricular stuff. I don't bother with thank-you notes, when people send them to me I just find it irritating.

I am sorry if you find this rude, but that is the way it is. in the olden days it was considered rude not to provide calling cards every time you went to see people, not any more. Times change.

The true purpose of manners and etiquette is to put others at ease and make them feel welcome. Unfortunately rigid adherence to these rules as a way to allow you to judge others is far more common.
And as PP said, the purpose of a gift is to bring others happiness, you should not do it in expectation of a thank you card.

I agree with you...if I've thanked someone verbally, then why ALSO write a note? Because my mom made me do it? Most people write some totally unmeaningful and formula just because they "have" to...it holds no meaning. I would much prefer if someone wrote me a meaningful note completely out of the blue than give me a thank you note just because.

And...no, if someone showed up to a birthday party without a single thing, even a card, I wouldn't be offended. Gifts are a nicety, not a requirement. Just like thank you notes.