When did it become OK to skip 'thank you' notes for birthday gifts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am grateful, but why can't I use email or call to show it?

I am the 20:50 and the 22:09 poster, and I would think it's perfectly fine to call or email someone to thank them, particularly after a child's birthday party. The important thing is the acknowledgment.

You've made your point. You don't need to defend yourself. You feel a call or email is appropiate form of saying thank you for a gift. Thank you cards must becoming a part of the past.

I wrote the comment about the email -- that was my first post. Btw, you may want to consider that it is entirely possible that there is more than 1 person who has viewpoint from that differs from yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am grateful, but why can't I use email or call to show it?

I am the 20:50 and the 22:09 poster, and I would think it's perfectly fine to call or email someone to thank them, particularly after a child's birthday party. The important thing is the acknowledgment.

You've made your point. You don't need to defend yourself. You feel a call or email is appropiate form of saying thank you for a gift. Thank you cards must becoming a part of the past.

I wrote the comment about the email -- that was my first post. Btw, you may want to consider that it is entirely possible that there is more than 1 person who has viewpoint from that differs from yours.

It's late-my intent was not to strike a nerve. And you're right-there are other viewpoints-I just happen to think mine is the right one.

[Anonymous]

In my view, if a person honestly don't have time to follow up with thank you notes, then they also shouldn't have time to plan and host a large party for their child -- especially one where the gifts are not opened because it would be too time consuming. Instead do something small and intimate, where gifts will be opened and guests thanked at the party. The fact that someone found time to spend hours (and often a great deal of money) to organize an elaborate celebration of their child and 30 or more of their closest friends, but then claims to not have time to write thank you notes only adds to the insult of not being thanked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is environmentally unfriendly to send thank you notes, so I do not do so. I don't think it is rude, but eco-conscious.

I'd like to point out that there are lots of stationary sets made of recycled paper, and as far as I know, most cards and envelopes can be recycled after you receive them.

[Anonymous]

Why does it make you all so angry that I think cards are environmentally unfriendly? I think a lot of things are environmentally unfriendly, and I try to do my part to reduce unnecessary consumption/waste/pollution. Am I perfect? Definitely not. But I am also not an evil person b/c I think an in person thank you or an e-mail thank you is an acceptable way to say thanks. You guys are really really wound up tight. It's amusing.

[Anonymous]

On a related point - someone posted that they send thank you electronic cards and that they are not opened. I'm guilty of not opening them - because I receive several of those a day where they are actually spam (or worse, contain viruses). And my network at work blocks most of those types of electronic cards. So if someone doesn't open an electronic card, don't take it personally. It's always hard to tell who the sender of the cards are without opening it and creating a potential security lapse.

And now I'm really going off on a tangent - but it's been mentioned several times that the gifts were not opened at the party. Aside from a bridal/baby shower, are gifts expected to be opened in front of the guests? I don't do it, because I think it might make some guests feel uncomfortable, if they didn't bring a gift, or brought a smallish gift that was not a extravagant as others. What's the etiquette on this one?

[Anonymous]

I'll admit it. I'm "anti-thank-you note". So shoot me.

First, I think you should all get off of the eco-conscious person's back. Frankly, her approach makes a lot more sense to me than adhereing to a hundred-year-old tradition simply for the sake of it.

I wrote TYs for my wedding and showers,... because I think my mom would've shot me if I didn't. I think for those types of big events, they're pretty expected.

But for a 5 year old's birthday party? Here's my problem with that... TYs are from a bygone era where educated and well-raised women played "hostess" for their husbands. Note writing was a skill, and probably the only reason people even allowed women to become literate.

I am a firm supporter of "today's woman" -- in all her different forms. Who writes the TYs for the 5 year old's birthday? Not the 5 year old. No. Not the father. No. THE MOTHER! Who may also be busy raising 2 other kids, working part or full time, etc. Who has time? I don't. To suggest that I shouldn't hold a birthday party for my son because I don't want to spend an additional hour writing generic thank yous to a bunch of other mothers I don't know... that seems ridiculous.

Now, I'm sure some of you will lambast me for not making time for social graces and manners. let me tell you my theory on manners and life in general. I have always been taught that what matters most is what is in someone's heart. I have never faulted one of my friends for not writing a thank you. I would never fault one of my friends for not bringing a gift... because they are my FRIENDS, and I know and love them, and I know they are an appreciative and giving bunch (otherwise they wouldn't be my friends!).

I teach my children to say thank you. I teach them to hold doors. I teach them generally to try to THINK about what other people need and want. And if I knew that one of their friends would be SO HEARTBROKEN not to receive a TY, I'd tell him to write the darn thing. But TYs are different from the numerous other ways that we exhibit manners in two important ways: 1) They take TIME. Especially if they're done right. and 2) The generic TYs that are written by most (including myself) are completely meaningless to most of the recipients.

Tell me, when you receive a TY note, do you cherish it? I don't. I throw them in the trash. The rare exception being when there is a truly genuine TY about something special... and that is the time (IMO, the ONLY time) to send them.

So all of you who think I am a graceless lout for not writing my: "Dear Bobby, Thank you for the nice truck. I like to play with it. Love Andrew" --- guess what... if you'd judge me for that, or even think I was somehow better than someone who didn't do it -- I don't care what you think.

[Anonymous]

9:24 you said everything so well!! I totally agree with you.

[Anonymous]

Just another perspective....I am throwing a bday party for my son next weekened and have a large extended family and am expecting over 60 people. Gulp. Needless to say a LOT of planning has gone into this thing....custom invitatations, entertainment, the food, decorations, eat/play stations, general party planning, AND thank you notes! If that many people care to come to my son's party and bring a gift then I want them to know that we really appreciate their kindness and care enough back to let them know they are cherished! Agree it teaches good manners too. But there's one more thing which is actually none of the above, and perhaps a little self-centered on my part. I'm a 'finisher' and so after all this work I'm not going to pull it all off (well hopefully) and then leave the dot off my "i" and go and do something silly like not send the thank you note...just being honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just another perspective....I am throwing a bday party for my son next weekened and have a large extended family and am expecting over 60 people. Gulp. Needless to say a LOT of planning has gone into this thing....custom invitatations, entertainment, the food, decorations, eat/play stations, general party planning, AND thank you notes! If that many people care to come to my son's party and bring a gift then I want them to know that we really appreciate their kindness and care enough back to let them know they are cherished! Agree it teaches good manners too. But there's one more thing which is actually none of the above, and perhaps a little self-centered on my part. I'm a 'finisher' and so after all this work I'm not going to pull it all off (well hopefully) and then leave the dot off my "i" and go and do something silly like not send the thank you note...just being honest.

If you're doing all of this for a birthday party, I'd say you're falling into the realm of 19th century "hostess" as described by the 9:24 poster. If you're taking on custom invitations, "play stations" (?), and 60 people for a kid's birthday party, why not just pay your maid a little extra to write the thank you notes? Then you can put your feet up and pat yourself on the back for being such a good hostess.

Seriously though -- these types of parties totally feed into the idea of the monied elite minding their social graces. Knock yourself out!

[Anonymous]

I think this PP probably did not have a proper birthday party thrown for her growing up...kind of sad maybe, but isn't it kind of heavy to carry that big chip on your shoulder?

[Anonymous]

It's lovely to receive thank you notes, particularly if they feature a photo - but verbal acknowledgements are fine too.

Seriously though, life is waaaaaay too short to get into a judgmental position and hold grudges over this sort of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just another perspective....I am throwing a bday party for my son next weekened and have a large extended family and am expecting over 60 people. Gulp. Needless to say a LOT of planning has gone into this thing....custom invitatations, entertainment, the food, decorations, eat/play stations, general party planning, AND thank you notes! If that many people care to come to my son's party and bring a gift then I want them to know that we really appreciate their kindness and care enough back to let them know they are cherished! Agree it teaches good manners too. But there's one more thing which is actually none of the above, and perhaps a little self-centered on my part. I'm a 'finisher' and so after all this work I'm not going to pull it all off (well hopefully) and then leave the dot off my "i" and go and do something silly like not send the thank you note...just being honest.

Good grief, how old is your son? The party you describe is just vulgar in my opinion. So I think thank you notes are particularly important in this instance in order to thank the guests for enduring the party and indulging you.

I always write thank you notes - although I've never contemplated whether this is because I am a "finisher" (huh??) - but I honestly do not care if I receive them from others. I give gifts because I want to, not because of the gratitude I demand in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this PP probably did not have a proper birthday party thrown for her growing up...kind of sad maybe, but isn't it kind of heavy to carry that big chip on your shoulder?

10:14 here. Yes, the giant chip is very heavy. My woeful excuses for birthday parties (only 7-10 friends, cake, and ice cream) are the reason I'm in therapy now. I so wish my parents had invited the whole world so I could've gotten more gifts, or at least a second pair of pants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just another perspective....I am throwing a bday party for my son next weekened and have a large extended family and am expecting over 60 people. Gulp. Needless to say a LOT of planning has gone into this thing....custom invitatations, entertainment, the food, decorations, eat/play stations, general party planning, AND thank you notes! If that many people care to come to my son's party and bring a gift then I want them to know that we really appreciate their kindness and care enough back to let them know they are cherished! Agree it teaches good manners too. But there's one more thing which is actually none of the above, and perhaps a little self-centered on my part. I'm a 'finisher' and so after all this work I'm not going to pull it all off (well hopefully) and then leave the dot off my "i" and go and do something silly like not send the thank you note...just being honest.

Good grief, how old is your son? The party you describe is just vulgar in my opinion. So I think thank you notes are particularly important in this instance in order to thank the guests for enduring the party and indulging you.

I always write thank you notes - although I've never contemplated whether this is because I am a "finisher" (huh??) - but I honestly do not care if I receive them from others. I give gifts because I want to, not because of the gratitude I demand in return.

Excuse me? Vulgar??? What the hell do you know about me or my son or the party we're having? Talk about judgmental and nasty. People like you repel others from this site. Thanks for 'upping the bar' and providing support to other parents...you're scary.