When did it become OK to skip 'thank you' notes for birthday gifts?

[Anonymous]

The last party we went to was at a venue. The guest of honor showed up late, and we had to rush through the pizza and cake for the next party to come through. The gifts were not opened in front of us, and I have no idea if the birthday boy liked his gift or not, and I probably will never find out. Normally I wouldn't care about a thank you note, if we were thanked in person, and knew if the person liked it or not.

[Anonymous]

Somewhat in line with the last PP, the birthday parties my son (almost 2) have been invited to lately, the gifts are not opened at the party. Therefore when no thank-you is sent, I actually worry that maybe they didn't get it, it got lost or something and THEN i worry that they think I'm rude for not bringing a gift, though in fact I did. A thank-you note is not just about being polite but also to acknowlege to the giver that you received it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Thank you notes were great in the 19th C, but nowadays (most) people are too busy with careers, children, relationships, extra-curricular stuff. I don't bother with thank-you notes, when people send them to me I just find it irritating.

Too busy for good manners? That's sweet. And fine if you are not polite enough to send a thank you note, but getting irritated with people who do it? That's the height of rudeness and ingratitude.

now i have to feel gratitude for the "thank you" note? maybe i should send them a thank you card? And why is being privately irritated by something rude? Should I censor my emotions in the privacy of my own house in case the gratitude police come after me?

You can go through life labeling everyone else as rude if they don't stick to your particular etiquette conventions - I hope you enjoy your smug feeling of superiority. Alternatively, you can get over yourself and accept that we live in a diverse, fast-paced world where it is more important that people are pleasant and tolerant than that they follow some of your pet out-dated conventions.

[Anonymous]

Life is honestly too short for this type of nonsense. I can't believe you are sitting around obsessing about this. Thank you notes were great in the 19th C, but nowadays (most) people are too busy with careers, children, relationships, extra-curricular stuff. I don't bother with thank-you notes, when people send them to me I just find it irritating.

I am sorry if you find this rude, but that is the way it is. in the olden days it was considered rude not to provide calling cards every time you went to see people, not any more. Times change.

The true purpose of manners and etiquette is to put others at ease and make them feel welcome. Unfortunately rigid adherence to these rules as a way to allow you to judge others is far more common.
And as PP said, the purpose of a gift is to bring others happiness, you should not do it in expectation of a thank you card.

OP here. I'm actually not sitting around and obsessing, when I posted I was literally in the process of wrapping a birthday gift for a little girl. I think she'll love it! But yes, I did take time to post because I am genuinely curious what's going on out there.

Personally, I wouldn't send DS to a party without some kind of gift, because as you point out (and I agree), a gift has a good chance of bringing happiness to the birthday child. I don't wait at the mailbox in expectation for my thank-you note. Or call. Or email. Or text msg.

[Anonymous]

OK, interesting thread. I personally think you should always send a thank you note.

But what do people think about a electronic thank you card. I heard that even wedding invitations are now being sent via email.

I think the poster who is "eco conscious" has a point; but that doesnt' get you out of the work of writing a personalized email thank you card, IMO.

[Anonymous]

This bothers me too. Growing up, the only time we didn't send thank you cards were for Christmas presents. This annoys me beyond words-it gets underneath my skin. I've given gifts to a family friend, a baby present for her new son and pair of darling crocs for her daughter's birthday-and never received a thank you card. It's almost as if there is a sense of entitlement and it's BAD MANNERS!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is environmentally unfriendly to send thank you notes, so I do not do so. I don't think it is rude, but eco-conscious.

OMG.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is environmentally unfriendly to send thank you notes, so I do not do so. I don't think it is rude, but eco-conscious.

LOL! Thread-weaver of the week award! Now if you can just work in SAHMs, Obama, and CIO, we'll have the most perfect tongue-in-cheek post ever.

...and breastfeeding, natural childbirth, BPAs in bottles, and how socially conscious people only have ONE baby and NO MORE.

Sad, really. If she doesn't want to send thank you notes, she shouldn't accept gifts. Especially gifts wrapped in paper and plastic.

Maybe she only accepts recycled gifts wrapped in hemp?

[Anonymous]

You can go through life labeling everyone else as rude if they don't stick to your particular etiquette conventions - I hope you enjoy your smug feeling of superiority. Alternatively, you can get over yourself and accept that we live in a diverse, fast-paced world where it is more important that people are pleasant and tolerant than that they follow some of your pet out-dated conventions.

I am the poster to whom you are responding. I'm not the OP, and I don't get mad if people don't send thank you notes (though if I have not seen them open the gift, I do wonder whether they received it and, if they did, if they know it was from me). I even said in my first post that I agree that if you have already been thanked that a written follow-up is not required. I am perfectly pleasant and tolerant. I don't think your first post was particularly pleasant or tolerant, though -- if you wanted to be pleasant and tolerant, there are many more polite ways of saying that you do not feel that a thank you note is necessary than to label people who send and expect thank you notes as outdated, irritating, and basically ridiculous. Yes, I think complaining about people sending you a thank you note is rude and ungracious. Don't want to send one? Fine. Think it's outdated? Fine. But to criticize the people who do send them? Unnecessary.

I think it sounds like you have a real chip on your shoulder and have decided that people who follow traditional rules about etiquette and manners must be snobs. If that makes you feel better, fine, but some of us just do it because we were taught that's what nice and are trying to be polite. Most people do not find that irritating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is environmentally unfriendly to send thank you notes, so I do not do so. I don't think it is rude, but eco-conscious.

OMG.

I agree! No wonder why children are so ungrateful in today's world-they're not taught MANNERS. And it starts with the parents-and some obviously don't believe in manners. I'll even acknowledge-with a thank you card-when someone does something nice for me, ie-throwing me a baby shower-in addition to the one I would send for the gift. I guess if you're not grateful when someone goes out of there way to get a gift, then writing a thank you card wouldn't mean anything to you anyway.

[Anonymous]

I am grateful, but why can't I use email or call to show it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am grateful, but why can't I use email or call to show it?

My thought is that you took the time to sit down and write a card, put a stamp on it-it means more. I have a co-worker-went to her wedding and her baby shower. Never received a thank you card. A wedding! I think an email or a call is appropiate for flowers, dinner-but a "gift"-where someone put some thought (or maybe not)-shows you appreciated their kindness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the "eco" poster from above. I guess I am glad I made you LOL but I did not mean for my comment to be taken as a joke. I am serious. I think snail mail thank you cards are horrible for the environment.

So you only use homespun, unbleached towels to clean your kitchen? Birch leaves instead of toilet paper? Recycled credit-card offers for diapers? I was going to give you the benefit of the doubt for being funny, but if you were making a serious (and ridiculously self-serving) environmental argument against something as sweet and kind as a thank-you note... dear lord. It's still laughable, but now in a really, really sad way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am grateful, but why can't I use email or call to show it?

I am the 20:50 and the 22:09 poster, and I would think it's perfectly fine to call or email someone to thank them, particularly after a child's birthday party. The important thing is the acknowledgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am grateful, but why can't I use email or call to show it?

I am the 20:50 and the 22:09 poster, and I would think it's perfectly fine to call or email someone to thank them, particularly after a child's birthday party. The important thing is the acknowledgment.

You've made your point. You don't need to defend yourself. You feel a call or email is appropiate form of saying thank you for a gift. Thank you cards must becoming a part of the past.