"My child is so mature and so independant for her age..."

[Anonymous]

To me I think of a girl that I grew up with, she was an expert at nearly every musical instrument, a dedicated reader, and had a larger vocabulary than most of our teachers. Her parents were involved and led her and her siblings in reading vs. television watching and going to plays and musicals instead of going to the movies. She was mature and independent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are 2 extremes. Make sure you don't fall into one while trying to avoid the other.

My mother cocooned and suffocated me because she was left to her own devices and forced to fend for herself as a child.
I hope to raise my child in the healthy middle.

This was my mom, too. She would not take me out into public as a baby b/c of fear of germs. As I got older, she became obsessed with making me a "cute, chubby" kid and spoon-fed me well into the elementary school years (WELL into them), often spending hours at mealtimes trying to force fed me past the point of fullness (I was a scrawny kid, not very interested in food). In my very early twenties, she determined that she would pick out my future husband and set up a date for us, colluding with the selected guy's mom (The guy, BTW, was about 30 and still had his mom buy his shoes and clothes for him). The relationship ended up a disaster and she was totally clueless about what to do when I spent a week crying at home over the breakup. After that, it was all hands off and no more interfering.

DH, on the other hand, came from an immigrant family where he was expected to take care of all kinds of adult tasks b/c his parents had limited English skills. They once commanded him to call 911 to ask for an address (they didn't understand the concept of 911). He was home alone and cooking for himself from the age of 7.

Obviously, neither method was very sane.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I had a suboptimal upbringing in some ways, but the BEST part of it was the utter independence I had to become "mature" and "independent." To me, it meant freedom -- which even as a very young kid, I knew that I loved -- being able to ramble outside alone, read what I wanted, not have hadly any moment-to-moment parental involvment, practically, except at dinner and bedtime. On the flip side, intellectually, my parents and older sibs never dumbed things down at all. We would have serious conversations about life and current events, and they made a lot of effort to instill their morals (going to church, volunteer activities, etc). All of this turned me into a person who has always been adept at figuring out the world and going my own way. I may have plenty of other problems, but I treasure this one part of myself.

There's a way to give your kid independence while at the same time giving them a safe and secure environment, and teaching them what's important to you. I hope to be able to acheive SOME of this balance with my kid (although it's much harder in a city than in the small town that I grew up in, admittedly).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

wow, you are really misguided. Yes, its great when a little kids says "I did it!" but you should want them to say that in relation to do things that are appropriate for their age like completeing a hard puzzle or reading their first book or throwing a good pitch. Those are the things to do to build confidence and self-esteem with young kids.

I don't think it's misguided at all. There's a lot of research that shows kids build self-esteem and connectivity with caregivers better when they are mastering "real" tasks. Sometimes that is play, but kids are very interested in what adults are doing amd including them in those tasks is a great way to bond and a great self-esteem exercise.

For those who object to kids being "forced" to do "adult" things (and my kids love helping around the house because they like being included in the lives of the grownups) at what age is it magically age-appropriate for kids to learn to wash dishes instead of play with a water table? Or prepare real food instead of play with a tea set? I really don't see how it's great parenting to sit and teach my child how to braid Barbie's hair but I'm robbing them of childhood if I teach them how to brush their own hair. As long as the child is having fun, I don't see the harm in letting my kids master skills that will actually be useful. At what age are kids allowed to be productive human beings?

I wish my parents had taken this approach. I came from immigrant parents who associated all chores as drudgery that poor parents had to hoist upon their kids because they worked multiple jobs. They grew up that way and wanted a so-called "better life" for me, which meant no chores, no after-school job, etc. I understand and appreciate the sentiment, but I grew up not lifting a finger, not learning any household skills, and thinking that my parents were basically there to serve my every need. I would have appreciated learning skills and family traditions from them and participating more in the household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone in this discussion needs to take a step back and realize that there is nothing wrong with a child doing some chores BUT there is a point at which teaching children to act like little adults becomes excessive. I don't know if the person who does 45 minutes of housework with her two year-old is a good parent or not. To me, it sounds like it could be excessive for a child that age. I was actually more concerned about the language she was using to describe the activities. For instance, she said that she "pushes" her children and that they are "adult" for their age. To me, these sounds like red flags for parentification. There is a difference between learning to do tasks, especially in a Montessori setting, and being "pushed" to do "adult" things. But I don't know this woman and I hope she is really just having fun with her kids and doing it because they like it.

Parentification usually involves either parental neglect or parental emotional neediness and I actually experienced both of these things. I had to emotionally support my parents and emotional boundaries were not respected in any way. My parents were divorced and at times they treated me as a friend or partner. I was their confidant, I knew way too much about their personal problems and sex lives, and I was constantly praised for my "maturity." They also loved to take credit for my maturity, partly because my brother was mentally ill and they were not proud of him.

OP and I, and some of the other posters here experienced real parentification which is painful and damaging for kids so maybe we are overly sensitive to a few words like "mature" and "little adult" which were used to describe kids like us. This is nothing for a parent to brag about. My suggestion, if you are using these words to describe your kids, would be to at least consider why you are so happy about these qualities. I am not saying that everyone who uses these words is making the same mistakes my parents did but it doesn't hurt to think about this stuff a little bit.

I know one of these "little adults" and it is not just a kid doing some chores. This little girl is a minature adult and acts well beyond her years. Frankly, it's creepy and I feel very bad for her. Her mother gives private music lessons at an elementary school after hours. Basically, the girl is her receptionist. She sits at a desk, quietly reading or drawing and greets her mother's students as they arrive for lessons. She takes coats, politely asks them to wait and then takes them to their lesson at the appointed time ("Please follow me. Thank you for waiting."). Her mannerisms and speech are completely adult. She is five.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad the thread got back to what it was about. To the posters who claim it is appropriate to let small children do "chores" -- a chore is something the child does to contribute his or her share to the running of the household. They are age-appropriate tasks that the kids can do themselves, so the parents don't have to do them. It is them pulling some of their weight -- and that is where the self-confidence and satisfaction comes from. To let your kids splash in the sink with the dirty dishes is just as much fun as playing in a water table, as the PP said, and it is certainly NOT a chore. Helping someone else take out the trash is also not a chore; taking out the trash while the parent does something else would be the chore. These are things you kids can do when they are older. A chore for small child would be something like putting their own shoes in the closet or hanging their own coat on a hook when they come home -- because they can do it themselves and be responsible for it themselves.

Just a reality check for the parents who think their children are getting satisfaction from doing chores rather than just having fun playing, which is what they are really doing.

YES, absolutely.

[Anonymous]

I don't drive, so my kids learned at an early age to take busses on their own and mooch rides. They figured out bus schedules and how to factor in extra time for transfers. They went to doctor's appointments and activities which were near our house or their schools.

Since DD is petite, it did look odd to see a 16 year old kid who looked like she was 10, doing some "mature"' things. It was comical when she learned to drive; she was stopped several times by the cops because she did look like a little kid driving. LOL! She bought a thick pillow to sit on in the driver's seat to solve that problem.

My kids showed additional maturity since they were the ones who took our pets to the vet, dealt with the bad news, and handled putting our beloved pets to sleep when the time was appropriate. They still do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:UGH! If I have to pander to the moms who make this brag one more time I am going to scream "SHUT UP YOU IDIOT!"

Why?

Because when I hear this I instantly think "uninvolved parent" NOT that they are the greatest mom ever.

Growing up I was that kid and it sucked! My mom was completely uninvolved and any kid I knew who was like me had the same. That's why the kid is so mature - they have to figure out how to take care of them self because basically the parent has checked out.

As a parent now, I tend to steer my kid away from these "mature" kids because I know better. When I was kid, there were parents who I could sense didn't want me around their kids and now I get it. I was making decisions for myself that kids shouldn't be making (most of the time they were the right ones but not always because how the hell does one expect a 12 yr old to have the judgment of an adult) and I knew things way beyond my years that just weren't appropriate for kids to know about or need to know about. I also don't want my kid playing at these houses because I know the supervision will be nill as the parent believes their 7 yr old is mature and can make great choices for themselves all the time!

I know, I know, there will be parents who claim to be the exception but you are not. A little kid does not get "so mature" and "so independent" with an actual parent being involved in parenting because if there was an involved parent there is no need for the little kid to become a miniature adult.

I never knew what my problem was until now. I was put in a boarding school when I was five yrs. old and had to learn how to do everything for myself. I'm the opposite as I have never been able to understand how a child or an adult can be so helpless. Not much I can do about it because it is simply who I am now but I brought up my children to learn to be self-sufficient from a very early age. I hope I haven't wrecked their lives. Thanks, though, as I said, I never understood why I am so self-sufficient.

[Anonymous]

This thread is interesting but kinda disturbing because people are at extremes but seem oblivious to it. No, not everyone's parents are abusive alcoholics. Not all kids are molested as children. Not all kids go to boarding school. Not all kids are born to immigrants who can't speak English.

It's weird that people think that the unifying factor there was that their parents made them do early chores or called them "mature". How does that possibly hold as a causal factor across all of these situations? And even if it did, you've shown that all Brie is cheese, but not that all cheese is Brie (in other words, even if all abusive parents call their kids "mature", how does that follow that all kids called mature are abused?)

Firstly, how do you even know what other people mean when they use the phrase? Kids are NOT the same. Look, my parents would say I was "mature" for my age. Me? I was lazy, never cleaned up after myself, lost phones, coats, bags and wallets for years, dirty, paid bills late, had to bailed out a bunch of times as a young adult financially. By mature, they meant that I was very proactive in school - did my homework without complaint, asked for help on schoolwork, picked all my own subjects, picked my own college, aced exams etc. I read a lot. I got into trouble for skipping class to read in the bathroom! So yeah, I'd read quietly or *gasp* watch TV. So they never had to worry. My sister was also "mature" for her age according to them. Her? Exact opposite. Went to three colleges, hated school, changed majors, got terrible grades. BUT she held down a job from 15 onwards - which she loved and was always getting promoted, is clean, fit, healthy, responsible with money, things, calls when she gets home late etc. Now, very successful in business.

Neither of us fit the mold of the "perfectionist adult pleaser" child you think about. Point is that many parents may not have as high as standard as you - lol. Most people don't even know what kids are meant to be doing. When their child does something completely age appropriate they think "wow, she is so mature". My sister has one son and has never spent any time around kids before. She thinks EVERYTHING he does is special and amazing, even when he's just hitting his milestones. The words can mean anything. E.g. A toddler who says no all the time = independent. Autistic kid who doesn't want to be hugged = independent. Kid who likes reading = independent. Sullen teenager = independent.

I think this smacks of being unable to deal with the underlying emotional issues resulting from these childhoods, and instead trying to abstract out blame to something you can "control". I'll never make me kids do any chores. Look at those terrible parents doing chores. If I do all the chores, my kid can never be molested. Sorry to be blunt but statistically your kid is more at danger from being exposed to a family of addicts/enablers or the probable depression that is no one has mentioned but likely everyone has, than putting a few dishes away.

[Anonymous]

Huh?

[Anonymous]

I never really thought about it, OP, but I think I might have been one of those mature and independent kids that you're talking about. Not to the extent that I was worrisome for other parents (that I know of; I never had a problem going to anyone's house growing up and vice versa) but in that I felt from a very early age a big burden of responsibility. My mom was and is just a partier. I remember being 11 years old and watching the news at midnight because she hadn't come home from work and I was thinking I'd see a news report about an accident or something. She'd just gone out for drinks and never bothered to call and tell us. This repeated throughout my childhood and adolescence. I remember by the time we were teenagers, my sister and I said to each other once that we always liked going to our dad's house for holidays because we felt like "we got to be kids" there. And I've made a conscious effort to never let my child's home life be like mine was. I wouldn't say it was "bad" and I'm sure I was happy for most of it, but it's not what I would want for my child.

However, I'm not wiping her ass at age 16. I draw the line at some point.

[Anonymous]

This is an old thread...

There's a difference between neglecting a child so they are forced to be "mature" and allowing them develop independence and maturity in an age appropriate way. We aim for the latter, as everyone should IMO.

Our oldest is 4 and he will try to make his own breakfast, get his own water, etc. There's nothing wrong with that. He's not doing it because he won't eat otherwise or because he has no other choice he's doing it because he wants to be able to do those things on his own. If he needs help, he will ask (and if I see him struggling, I'll offer to help and then we'll work together).

[Anonymous]

I read all these comments, suggestions and general rages but really, if was to know really look at yourself as a human, a parent and role model to your child.

Is a child's maturity at a young age a result of their parents neglect? or is it just how they are? Really I think it's because to an extent, they understand the hardship you have to go through in life. but I still doesn't make up leaving them to fend for themselves. I look back on my childhood and remember nothing really FUN,I grew up awkward, unsure of what kind of person I was supposed to be. My mother worked all the time to provide for us, and I'm so grateful for that, she gave me and my brother more and more things, but what we really need was the love of a mother. Material things will fade and break, yet nothing will be more important than the values, beliefs and love you give to your children.
They won't stay young forever, there will come a time where they won't love you unconditionally anymore.

And to all those parents in the comments saying "I don't like my child to have around that kind of bad influence." Well then what kind of parent are you? what if your kid was though of this way, or how about this, we all know what bullying is and your going it to a kid! a little kid who doesn't know any better and who had no say in how they grew up, so excuse my language when I say you SUCK! They probably get bullied enough in school, why do u have to do it too?!
To be shunned for reason they can't understand at that young of an age, it sucks.

Being a kid should be fun, and nostalgic for when they grow up, to have memories to look back at and smile when days are dark or when things are stressful. But to ease all those reading this and fearing their child will turn into some horrid rebel, you just have to have faith in them. Yes we will rebel because well hormones and teenage stupidity kicks in but its your jobs to love us unconditionally and help us grow out of it. If not, someone else will take that role and you may lose your child. Love should not be earned like trust, it is immeasurable and unconditional, but if u turn it into a currency well then like our dying government's economy, you will be left in a debt without your child for many years to come.

Now if you're still reading this well then you're probably rolling your eyes thinking "who the hell does this person think she is, what the does she know?!" or scared to death of the horrors that await in the future, or taking me with just enough seriousness to understand what I'm trying to say. But just for the heck of it, I will tell you my credentials. I was and still am one of those "mature kids", who's grown up into a normal high school student. I've been alone at home since I was 6 with my brother, taking care of the house while my mom worked. I've been bullied and have been the bully, which to this day I regret with my entire being. I make mistakes and learn from them. I've gotten a job in middle school at a day care to just. . . well satisfy my own selfish want of wanting to take care of others since I'm so used to it. But more importantly to this day, no matter how much I hated my mother in the past for never being there at concerts, for my birthday, Christmas and a lot more, I have a profound love for giving me birth and going through the hardships to insure I had everything I needed, for teaching me life isn't fair but you can change the chances.I don't have the chance to tell her that, but you have the chance with your children in the now. Hug them everyday and tell them you love them, and thank them for just being there cause if you don't say it, they will never know. Let them be selfish once in a while when they want to stay in bed with you for 5 min more, or if they want one more book or cookie, because nothing lasts forever.

-Someone who's been on the other side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read all these comments, suggestions and general rages but really, if was to know really look at yourself as a human, a parent and role model to your child.

Is a child's maturity at a young age a result of their parents neglect? or is it just how they are? Really I think it's because to an extent, they understand the hardship you have to go through in life. but I still doesn't make up leaving them to fend for themselves. I look back on my childhood and remember nothing really FUN,I grew up awkward, unsure of what kind of person I was supposed to be. My mother worked all the time to provide for us, and I'm so grateful for that, she gave me and my brother more and more things, but what we really need was the love of a mother. Material things will fade and break, yet nothing will be more important than the values, beliefs and love you give to your children.
They won't stay young forever, there will come a time where they won't love you unconditionally anymore.

And to all those parents in the comments saying "I don't like my child to have around that kind of bad influence." Well then what kind of parent are you? what if your kid was though of this way, or how about this, we all know what bullying is and your going it to a kid! a little kid who doesn't know any better and who had no say in how they grew up, so excuse my language when I say you SUCK! They probably get bullied enough in school, why do u have to do it too?!
To be shunned for reason they can't understand at that young of an age, it sucks.

Being a kid should be fun, and nostalgic for when they grow up, to have memories to look back at and smile when days are dark or when things are stressful. But to ease all those reading this and fearing their child will turn into some horrid rebel, you just have to have faith in them. Yes we will rebel because well hormones and teenage stupidity kicks in but its your jobs to love us unconditionally and help us grow out of it. If not, someone else will take that role and you may lose your child. Love should not be earned like trust, it is immeasurable and unconditional, but if u turn it into a currency well then like our dying government's economy, you will be left in a debt without your child for many years to come.

Now if you're still reading this well then you're probably rolling your eyes thinking "who the hell does this person think she is, what the does she know?!" or scared to death of the horrors that await in the future, or taking me with just enough seriousness to understand what I'm trying to say. But just for the heck of it, I will tell you my credentials. I was and still am one of those "mature kids", who's grown up into a normal high school student. I've been alone at home since I was 6 with my brother, taking care of the house while my mom worked. I've been bullied and have been the bully, which to this day I regret with my entire being. I make mistakes and learn from them. I've gotten a job in middle school at a day care to just. . . well satisfy my own selfish want of wanting to take care of others since I'm so used to it. But more importantly to this day, no matter how much I hated my mother in the past for never being there at concerts, for my birthday, Christmas and a lot more, I have a profound love for giving me birth and going through the hardships to insure I had everything I needed, for teaching me life isn't fair but you can change the chances.I don't have the chance to tell her that, but you have the chance with your children in the now. Hug them everyday and tell them you love them, and thank them for just being there cause if you don't say it, they will never know. Let them be selfish once in a while when they want to stay in bed with you for 5 min more, or if they want one more book or cookie, because nothing lasts forever.

-Someone who's been on the other side.

you dug through all the posts to bring up this one, months later, to post this? tl; dr!

[Anonymous]

Reading some of these posts is why I have to have many talks with my just turned 4 yr old daughters teachers. My 4 yr old looks like she is 6, people treat her as she is 6, she wanted to be held outward most of the time at 6 weeks old to see the world. She talked very early and walked early. I am there for her, we cuddle etc, she is responsiable to pickup after herself - well about 10% of the time and help me set the dinner table. I'm told all the time that she is mature for her age and her teachers remind each other that she is 4, and tell me, well this was happening at 3 also. I grew up fast - and she is also. Emotionally, she is her age though. But very empathetic, smart, tall, loves to share, help, and care. I worry for her, that people may lable her as some of these people have withheld their kids from kids like mine, treat her different. She is 4, let her be 4. But if she needs attention sometimes like a 6 yr old, give it to her. She plays well with children of all ages. She is my only baby and I'd like to keep her that way for another year - next year is kindergarten, where she will most likely be the tallest in her class. I was in my daughters shoes. It's hard. I was 12 - people thought I was 16.

We have been warning by her pediatrician - that things like this will happen, to make sure people understand how old she is and treat her so. I know, I've been there. Tall and smart =mature not the case though. These children are forced into more grown up things, because people treat them that way. It's the same as little short cute girls, like my cousin and neighbor - they will be carried too long, picked up for years to come, and be treated like 6 yr olds for a long time. Please don't lable, you don't know their story.