Don't you wish your husband was more successful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see how this is frustrating. But just know that often the very successful are seldom around enough to be great involved fathers. And when they are around, they can be grumpy and short-tempered and often on the blackberries. Trust me, I speak from experience.
The grass is always greener.

My husband is a partner at a law firm and he does work a lot of hours but I could not ask for a more loving and thoughtful father for our child. I know plenty of other successful men who are very involved with their children. It is possible to have both.

Genuinely curious. How do you reconcile this? Does DH see your kids during the week? Do you define loving and thoughtful as providing a lot of material security (nice house, expensive neighborhood, nice vacations, etc.) as more important than sharing daily meals? Does thoughtful mean that DH respects women who work outside the home? These are hard questions that we are dealing with.

Genuinely curious, PP, but how much time do you think full-time working mothers actually get to spend with their children during the week? Probably not much more than my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I normally wouldn't say anything, but I see it all the time: it's "cachet" not "cache".

Omg! An Internet grammar/spelling correction that I actually learned something new from! (from which I learned something new, yeah, I know) You just made my day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see how this is frustrating. But just know that often the very successful are seldom around enough to be great involved fathers. And when they are around, they can be grumpy and short-tempered and often on the blackberries. Trust me, I speak from experience.
The grass is always greener.

My husband is a partner at a law firm and he does work a lot of hours but I could not ask for a more loving and thoughtful father for our child. I know plenty of other successful men who are very involved with their children. It is possible to have both.

Genuinely curious. How do you reconcile this? Does DH see your kids during the week? Do you define loving and thoughtful as providing a lot of material security (nice house, expensive neighborhood, nice vacations, etc.) as more important than sharing daily meals? Does thoughtful mean that DH respects women who work outside the home? These are hard questions that we are dealing with.

Genuinely curious, PP, but how much time do you think full-time working mothers actually get to spend with their children during the week? Probably not much more than my husband.

Not the PP you were speaking to, but I am pretty sure I could not be a partner at a law firm and work 9:00-5:30. And not have to work nights and weekends. So I'm betting this WM sees my kids more than your husband. I'm guessing he makes a lot more than me though. Or, if partners have better hours, he probably had to pay dues that I didn't have to pay to get there.

No judgement on my part either way, but it's silly to think every WM works law firm partner hours or law firm hours in general. Not all of us are lawyers.

[Anonymous]

Great Topic!! I feel the same way too! There's not much you can do about it. But it feels better to know that I am not alone. Next marriage, I'm going to the other side. The Lesbian side. Since women are of the same mind, it may be easier. LOL!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see how this is frustrating. But just know that often the very successful are seldom around enough to be great involved fathers. And when they are around, they can be grumpy and short-tempered and often on the blackberries. Trust me, I speak from experience.
The grass is always greener.

My husband is a partner at a law firm and he does work a lot of hours but I could not ask for a more loving and thoughtful father for our child. I know plenty of other successful men who are very involved with their children. It is possible to have both.

if you omit sleep

[Anonymous]

No, but I wish my wife was hotter, then I wouldn't need to hire a hot nanny to get it on with...

[Anonymous]

For me "drive" and passion are more important than either money or "success" in the standard sense (moving up the ladder, the big boss, whatever). I had a long-term boyfriend who was perfectly "successful" by most standards-- made a reasonable amount of money, had a reasonably high-profile job, random strangers were often sort of impressed when they heard about it.... but he had NO drive at all, had basically been coasting for... well.. a decade or more. He was never saying, "gee, I want to challenge myself," or "huh, I wonder how I can make more of a difference in the world." He did what he felt like to the extent that he felt like it. Drove me nuts. (And it spilled over into the rest of his life, too: he was a couch potato, very passive in general).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, he makes plenty. I wish he were funnier and more empathic.

A bigger unit wouldn't hurt.

This. But with a mushroom head. And no balls. Why do we have to deal with balls anyway?

[Anonymous]

DH earns a good amount ($200-500k). Works long hours. On blackberry 24x7. Stressed out. DS is shortchanged.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't equate success with earning more money and I'm a little icked out by so many women that do. DH is a great husband and father and we have a happy life. That is success in my book. Maybe if my DH made less it would be a different story but I would not consider either of us to be high earners (combined HHI=225k). I think it's a bit of a double standard that its ok to trash men for not earning a high salary but a post called "Don't you wish your wife was hotter" would probably illicit a ton of criticism.

[Anonymous]

PP come back when your husband makes less than 40k a yr.

[Anonymous]

OP, would you be happy if he earned more? Is that what you think is successful? Then what? What is enough for you? Something tells me it doesn't stop there. You may never be happy. Don't get so caught up in what you think others have. You'll be a lot better off.

[Anonymous]

Are we going to ignore the inherent sexism at play here? Why is the expectation that he be the breadwinner? How would you feel if he was commenting on a similar board about wishing you had a bigger rack or a skinnier waste or were better in bed or talked less?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster everyone is balking at. Geez. How can anyone brag on an anonymous forum anyway?

Didn't mean to brag, so I'll rephrase - was actually just dashing it off last night before an early bedtime and wasn't thinking. It's just one of those jobs that people tend to think is cool, not because it's prestigious just because he gets to go do some cool things and travel to cool places. I didn't mean to imply that people are bowing down at parties, just one of those jobs that get follow up, as opposed to my job which is more straightforward and doesn't really get questions.

I had a friend who dated a guy whose job it was to watch every baseball game and record stats, years ago (I'm sure computers do that now). Another example of one of those jobs that a lot of baseball guy fans would say, "you are paid to watch games?"

I think most of us got what you meant, and I thought you made the point well. We have a family member with a job that would probably fit your description. To many outsiders, he and his wife do seem to have fabulous lives. But as some other posters have said, his job leaves very little quality time at home with family. It also puts their kids' behaviors and accomplishments (as teenagers and adults) under a lot of scrutiny from others who know them (or think they do!).

I think they must do different things. Can't imagine what kind of job that is. I'm intrigued. My husband travels a fair bit, but otherwise has a good schedule. I really don't think anyone thinks we have "fabulous" lives in the sense that you are talking about. I mean, if having a healthy family and healthy kids, jobs we enjoy, and a good support system is fabulous yes, butThat one about the kids' behaviors being under scrutiny is odd. it's not fabulous in that it is exotic or luxurous which is more of what I think you meant. The whole point of my post in fact was to say I'm proud of my husband for going after his dream and doing it, and making a stable living off it. But he's not successful in the sense that I could afford to stay home, etc. which is what I thought OP was getting at - do you wish your husband was more "successful"/made more money so you weren't the breadwinner.

I wonder if our daughters will struggle with this, given that more and more women are the breadwinners, and more women are graduating from college and grad school than men. Heather Boushey's The New Breadwinner is an interesting article on this.

I was referring to the teenaged, college, and even post-college years. If the parent has a job with a certain amount of power, prestige, etc., and the kids continue to live in the same city, what they do or don't do can become the target of conversation and gossip. For some people, that's no big deal. For others, the spotlight can be a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see how this is frustrating. But just know that often the very successful are seldom around enough to be great involved fathers. And when they are around, they can be grumpy and short-tempered and often on the blackberries. Trust me, I speak from experience.
The grass is always greener.

My husband is a partner at a law firm and he does work a lot of hours but I could not ask for a more loving and thoughtful father for our child. I know plenty of other successful men who are very involved with their children. It is possible to have both.

if you omit sleep

Ditto.