Don't you wish your husband was more successful?

[Anonymous]

You and I define success differently. My husband contributes to the good of society and loves his job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"There are exceptions, but in general stop trying to outsmart nature- you can't. "

In most species, the male is a sperm donor, not a provider.

I thought we were talking about homo sapiens. Do correct me if I am wrong.

[Anonymous]

For me the answer is no, I think he's doing great, but wanted to echo some PPs that for me it's not about the salary but does he work hard, does he seem to be just doing the bare minimum so he can collect a paycheck? That would not fly with me. I know public school teachers don't make that much, but if my husband taught public school, loved it, excelled at it in that he went above and beyond and truly cared about his students and his job, that would be great.

If he was making 4x as much as a school teacher at a job he didn't give a crap about and was slacking at, I would be disappointed. Just because I wouldn't be attracted to that, and so much of what I value is hard work, motivation to change even some small bit of the world, and some passion for getting out of bed every day. I have that and if DH didn't we probably wouldn't be married, and if he lost it, I would be upset and encourage him to get help etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"There are exceptions, but in general stop trying to outsmart nature- you can't. "

In most species, the male is a sperm donor, not a provider.

Yeah, well, if you're interested in a human female you'll need to step it up a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"There are exceptions, but in general stop trying to outsmart nature- you can't. "

In most species, the male is a sperm donor, not a provider.

In case you hadn't noticed, male humans do not compete for women by butting antlers or by growing fancy tail feathers. For the most part, they establish worth by paternal contribution - ie, what the father can do to raise the offspring to the point of becoming a successfully reproducing adult.

The reason is that most of the advantages provided to our babies occur after birth. We are helpless and need food and care for a long while. And we need good brain development to be successful adults. Therefore females in our species select mates they believe will contribute to successfully getting babies to adulthood - whether that is financially, or in taking care of the kids. Yes, physical traits are still valued. But female humans are looking for more than high quality genetic material.

[Anonymous]

"Because that is the natural order of things if you want a wife who respects you and doesn't rant on a forum and probably in private too about how unambitious you are. It's not really about the money as much as it's about his ability to provide it. If you made more you'd still be unhappy because you'd be complaining for the same reason OP is. Should you not complain because you are so happy with all of your money, your husband probably is miserable because you think you are hot **** and treat him like a doormat. There are exceptions, but in general stop trying to outsmart nature- you can't. "

You're crazy. DH and I make almost exactly the same and I don't think he's unambitious. I'm just very successful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Because that is the natural order of things if you want a wife who respects you and doesn't rant on a forum and probably in private too about how unambitious you are. It's not really about the money as much as it's about his ability to provide it. If you made more you'd still be unhappy because you'd be complaining for the same reason OP is. Should you not complain because you are so happy with all of your money, your husband probably is miserable because you think you are hot **** and treat him like a doormat. There are exceptions, but in general stop trying to outsmart nature- you can't. "

You're crazy. DH and I make almost exactly the same and I don't think he's unambitious. I'm just very successful

Oh, the irony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has one of those jobs that stop people at parties - a bit of a dream job for many. He works really hard and is very talented, so I admire him for that, but he's not a huge high earner. But together our salaries mean we do great (I make about the same as he does). So he's successful but doesn't make a ton, which I suppose some people in this area would call not successful.

How proud you must be. (Sorry, you deserve this snark.) The next time I am at at party, I will "stop" and remark upon your husband.

She directly answered a direct question; I didn't detect a hint of bragging. Your jealousy is pathetic - almost as weak as your un-apology.

I agree that her post was annoying. A job that "stops people at parties?" Come on. . .

I think Secret Service would get this response. But I don't know what they make.

It's D.C., people. Folks from other places are impressed when you say you were an intern on the Hill. There's loads of jaw-dropping from newcomers. It's something I've witnessed as a D.C. Native. I think saying you work for Politico would have a lot of cache among some circles. Dunno. Published authors rarely bring in serious money---especially academic authors.

I've held "prestigious" fellowships that would make folks cry if they knew how little it meant in terms of $$$. I think that was PPs main point. There are different sides to being "more successful."

I don't agree. 4 of our neighbors are reporters for Politico and I don't think it leads to any jaw-dropping.

[Anonymous]

I normally wouldn't say anything, but I see it all the time: it's "cachet" not "cache".

[Anonymous]

Sure I wish my husband made more money, but I'm sure he wishes I made more money!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do. I'm ashamed to tell people what he does.
He has ambition, but no talent. I married an idiot.
He works long hours, and makes no money. He's not even that great in bed.At the end of the day I married a loser, and can't wait to leave.
*sigh* I feel like I wasted my youth.

What does he do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do. I'm ashamed to tell people what he does.
He has ambition, but no talent. I married an idiot.
He works long hours, and makes no money. He's not even that great in bed.At the end of the day I married a loser, and can't wait to leave.
*sigh* I feel like I wasted my youth.

What does he do?

[Anonymous]

Nursing assistant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can see how this is frustrating. But just know that often the very successful are seldom around enough to be great involved fathers. And when they are around, they can be grumpy and short-tempered and often on the blackberries. Trust me, I speak from experience.
The grass is always greener.

My husband is a partner at a law firm and he does work a lot of hours but I could not ask for a more loving and thoughtful father for our child. I know plenty of other successful men who are very involved with their children. It is possible to have both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see how this is frustrating. But just know that often the very successful are seldom around enough to be great involved fathers. And when they are around, they can be grumpy and short-tempered and often on the blackberries. Trust me, I speak from experience.
The grass is always greener.

My husband is a partner at a law firm and he does work a lot of hours but I could not ask for a more loving and thoughtful father for our child. I know plenty of other successful men who are very involved with their children. It is possible to have both.

Genuinely curious. How do you reconcile this? Does DH see your kids during the week? Do you define loving and thoughtful as providing a lot of material security (nice house, expensive neighborhood, nice vacations, etc.) as more important than sharing daily meals? Does thoughtful mean that DH respects women who work outside the home? These are hard questions that we are dealing with.