My DH regrets having kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After having one child, I realized parenting is not exactly what I thought it would be, and that it affected my ability to live the life I wanted much more than I had thought it would (not in terms of going out and partying, but in terms of having a rewarding career, time to think and read, travel, etc.). I am very happy that I had my son anyway, and love him very much, but it made me realize that one child is enough for me. I feel like with one, I can eventually bounce back and get back some of the other things I enjoy - hey, hopefully my son will enjoy reading and traveling with me one day - but more than one would be waaaay too much for me. If friends ask if I am planning to have another, I am honest about this.

This.
However most posters don't seem to have stopped at the right moment.

And how!

[Anonymous]

"He really came into his own with them once they were over 5."

You put up with this shit for FIVE years because DH is a MAN?

[Anonymous]

I'm the house PP poster. Thank you for explaining that the house isn't the issue. We didn't have a powder room and yes, those stairs got to a point where they were wearing me out. Fine before kids when you do less moving around, not fine when you need to change the baby, then bring them downstairs so you can get a bottle, then you need to pee ten minutes later so back up you go..., you get thei dea. So long as hubby had input in the house, that can't be used as an excuse. In any event, sounds like you guys are doing a lot better. I'm happy for all of you.

[Anonymous]

Plan carefully--this guy's gone first chance, you can see it coming.....he's really selfish.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plan carefully--this guy's gone first chance, you can see it coming.....he's really selfish.....

i agree, reminds me a lot of my ex. when people don't enjoy family life the clock may be ticking. mine was "busy" a lot at work, having an affair with a wealthy colleague. he masked the disengagement so i didn't see if for what it was. he never enjoyed family life all that much, said it didn't turn out like he thought it would. hope it works out better for you op. unless you are in a rock solid relationship ladies, do not make my mistake and stop working. we had a sn kid and i took some time off, he said that having a sn kid was kind of a drag too. and he originally wanted several kids. i had hoped that he'd be one of those great twice a week super dads, but nope, he's all about partying and his new toy or gizmo. i'd say midlife crisis but he's only 35.

[Anonymous]

We started having kids "young" by DC standards as well (28) and I think this is socially more isolating for my husband than me. All his friends his age (early 30s) are at the bar, going on weekend guys trips, golfing, etc..., while he has two young children. Meanwhile, the majority of the other fathers at the park, at church, etc... are already into their 40s. My DH is just not as mature as the other father's in their 40s, but he has moved on from just wanting to party all the time, like the men his age.

Anyway, just another thought.

[Anonymous]

OP - why are you offended when he says this? He's not saying that he wishes he hadn't married you, he just does not enjoy being a parent right now. I think you just need to let him vent.

[Anonymous]

I know it’s a LONG LONG shot, but I would die for the OP to update...9 years later. I could have literally written every word. I wonder what the future holds for me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another father here. Anyone in their right mind regrets having kids. It is a relentless nightmare.
I agree that there is not point complaining about it though. You can't push the shit back into the horse, as they say.
Next time he complains just point out that it is only a few more decades before the sweet release of death. Until then he just has to suck it up like the rest of us.

No, not everyone feels this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"if he's giving them a bath, he's on his iPhone while they're bathing instead of playing with them"

If I co-parented with someone who criticized things such as this, I probably wouldn't regret having kids, but I might regret choosing to parent with this person.

OP again - I'm not saying that you to be a perfect parent all the time. But I gave that example because I wonder if my kids notice that daddy is always doing something else instead of playing with them or interacting with them. Sometimes my daughter asks him questions 4-5 times and he ignores her bc he's on his phone and finally I just answer. It's pretty obvious that if he had the choice, he would never be with them. I was telling a story about someone who had multiple nannies covering essentially 24 hours a day and he said "I wish I had that much money so I could pay someone else to play with them." And it's obvious he feels this way by his actions.

OP, you sound very kind. Your husband sounds like a jerk. Kids pick up on things very early in age and I would fear his attitude would hurt your children’s self esteem. You need to have a serious talk with him and possibly see a couples therapist....one that could explain how your husband’s words and actions could emotionally hurt his children. I wouldn’t be able to live with a man who seemed to dislike his children so much. Yes, they are young, but each age brings it’s own challenges and need for love, guidance and patience. I’m not sure your husband will be able to provide that. I would seriously tell him that if he can’t get help, be more pleasant or at least keep his mouth shut, you will divorce him. You will not have to worry about custody as it would be an answer to his prayers. You and the kids are a package deal. It really hurts my heart to think a dad would feel this way, much less act on it and say it out loud. You and your kids deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same as your DH.

OP here - are you a father? If so, and if you truly feel this way - what could your wife do for you to help? And I mean besides just letting you go out and do whatever you want to do all the time - I mean realistically given that you have kids and you made these choices - what could she do to help?

I'm a mother. I learned to suck it up.

Your poor kids. I wouldn’t expect them to be close when grown. You reap what you sow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know it’s a LONG LONG shot, but I would die for the OP to update...9 years later. I could have literally written every word. I wonder what the future holds for me!

I think a lot of people are in this position and I, too, am hoping for an update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same as your DH.

OP here - are you a father? If so, and if you truly feel this way - what could your wife do for you to help? And I mean besides just letting you go out and do whatever you want to do all the time - I mean realistically given that you have kids and you made these choices - what could she do to help?

I'm a mother. I learned to suck it up.

Your poor kids. I wouldn’t expect them to be close when grown. You reap what you sow.

What an asinine comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This didn't work for me. I discovered too late that I didn't like being married and I regretted having children.

I find this so sad. My mother pretty much felt this way and I grew up feeling horribly guilty for ruining her life. She made it clear that she felt that having kids ruined her chances at a career, and then the depression and stress ruined her marriage. I once asked her when things seemed to go wrong in the marriage, and she responded "pretty much after you were born. I could handle your brother, but having two put me over the edge and your father was no help."

To this day, she denies that she ever implied that she didn't want kids or was ambivalent, but I used to hear the screaming fights she had with my dad about feeling trapped, about how her life was ruined, about how he was so selfish leaving her with the kids all day and that she couldn't get anything done, about how we ruined her life. And I remember cowering at home, when she was in a rage, and being scared about doing somethign to set her off. I tried very hard to be perfect to please her hoping that good grades and high achievement would make her proud and thus happier to have a daughter, but nothing seemed to help.

I waited until 38 to get married and 39 to have a child because i was so terrified that having a family meant unhappiness. I realize that in my case, it is the opposite. The weird thing is that starting in my 20s, my mom kept pushing me to get married and have kids, telling me that I'd really regret it if I didn't. I think she was just ambivalent over her own conflicted feeligns.

anyway, I'm not sure what the answer is for OP but for your kids and marriage sake, counseling and some tough love is necessary. And if nothing changes, then personally I'd probably consider leaving, because I wouldnt want to raise my kids with someone who made them feel like a burden.

I hope the OP takes your post to heart. I’m sorry you went through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since no one else has mentioned it, one thing you can start doing (today!) is to give him positive reinforcement when you do see him engaged with the kids. If you tell him that you value what he's doing as a father in the moment, he'll want to keep doing that. It also doesn't hurt to admit to him that this is a chore but these kids love you and him so much and that *you* feel like that the struggle will be worth it. Don't expect that he will validate (or agree) with the statement but by modeling positive parenting techniques it might rub off on him. I would also look in to some parenting classes such as PEP or reading 123-Magic. Knowing what to expect and getting good behavior from your kids can really improve you outlook on being a parent! Even better if you can get your DH to do this with you. Good luck!

Dear god no! She doesn’t need another child to manage.