My DH regrets having kids

[Anonymous]

You're on the treadmill. It's exhausting. Good he can say this to you, but I think you do need to tell him that it is offending you and to stop. I had to do this with a different subject with my DH. He stopped.

Tell your DH he can come and vent on this site! He can hear all about how he is not alone....and maybe gets some tips to deal with it better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another father here. Anyone in their right mind regrets having kids. It is a relentless nightmare.
I agree that there is not point complaining about it though. You can't push the shit back into the horse, as they say.
Next time he complains just point out that it is only a few more decades before the sweet release of death. Until then he just has to suck it up like the rest of us.

I just started laughing hysterically.....I really hope you're my DH. I can seriously see him typing this cracking himself up.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think we've all been there (although half the women on this board won't admit it). It gets better. When the youngest is about 3 years old, things will settle down and you guys will start to feel like life is really good. Then you'll decide to have another baby... LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, go over and read the thread about SAHMS giving up great careers. What is going on in your family is why having a SAHM in the family can be a great thing. My DH hated parenting, too, when the kids were little -- we had twins so it was a ton of work and overwhelming. I stayed home after about 9 months. This enabled DH to focus on his career without limits. He was happier, and I have loved raising my own children. Yes, I gave up a fabulous career that I miss (do it part time, but it's not the same), but our family life would have been Hell if I hadn't. I'd think about it if I were you. And if parenting isn't your thing, either -- well, sorry to be snarky, but why on Earth did you have children together?

OP again - I love parenting and I thought DH would too. When we got married (at 24...) we decided we wanted to have kids right away and he was the one who wanted more (I wanted two). Then they actually came and he wants none.

I hope the people who are reading the "should I have kids younger or older" are reading this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think we've all been there (although half the women on this board won't admit it). It gets better. When the youngest is about 3 years old, things will settle down and you guys will start to feel like life is really good. Then you'll decide to have another baby... LOL

OP back again. Thanks for all the great advice here - this has been terrific. I'm actually considering just showing my DH this thread. Although then he'd understand the full depth of my DCUM problem... And no, we won't be having another baby. DH got a vasectomy when #2 was two months old.

[Anonymous]

I think one thing to consider is that you both are young - when a lot of your DH friends are out partying and living it up, you guys are at home with an old house and two kids. He sounds like he is actively more involved with the kids (baths! I wish my DH would give the kid a bath) than some DH's even if he is on the iphone.

What my DH and I do - which really helps is we have an "off night" - so one night a month (granted, it's all either of can handle at our age) - we go out with girls (or guys) and just have fun. (The girls usually go out dancing. Woo.) We also have a date night once as month as well, with a sitter. Those two nights out a month really have done a lot to help us be non-parents and bring us back to sanity (it's amazing what a dinner without a sippy cup can do).

Last thing I suggest, and it sounds silly - but believe it or not, it works for us. More sex. Whenever my DH or I are really feeling like we're in a funk as parents....and that all we do are bath, feed, diapers. We go into the bedroom and have sex.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After having one child, I realized parenting is not exactly what I thought it would be, and that it affected my ability to live the life I wanted much more than I had thought it would (not in terms of going out and partying, but in terms of having a rewarding career, time to think and read, travel, etc.). I am very happy that I had my son anyway, and love him very much, but it made me realize that one child is enough for me. I feel like with one, I can eventually bounce back and get back some of the other things I enjoy - hey, hopefully my son will enjoy reading and traveling with me one day - but more than one would be waaaay too much for me. If friends ask if I am planning to have another, I am honest about this.

This.
However most posters don't seem to have stopped at the right moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another father here. Anyone in their right mind regrets having kids. It is a relentless nightmare.
I agree that there is not point complaining about it though. You can't push the shit back into the horse, as they say.
Next time he complains just point out that it is only a few more decades before the sweet release of death. Until then he just has to suck it up like the rest of us.

Concur! Even if DS is bathed, fed, and asleep I turn on the news and viola I wonder if he'll be killed wearing a hoody, bullied, kidnapped, dumb, mean, broke... It is a never ending run of work and worry. 2 years ago my biggest worry :get to a sale early to get the good stuff.

[Anonymous]

Funny to see this post dredged up (I'm OP). Much has changed. For the worst for about 6 months after this post and then very much for the better thereafter. Depressing that I posted this last Valentine's day too...

[Anonymous]

I'm glad things are looking up now, OP!

[Anonymous]

That's good news! Can you point to what helped things to change for the better?

[Anonymous]

Well it got to the point (in parenting and in our relationship) where I told him that if the behavior continued, I wanted a divorce. Maybe not the healthiest, but it was absolutely where I ended up for a variety of reasons. We started counseling, I told him no more traveling for work, and I started demanding what I needed. It got through to him that his life had changed and he needed to stop acting like he was the only person he was responsible for. I wouldn't recommend this as a "tactic" unless you are truly willing to walk, which in my case, I was. We are still working on it, but we're getting better. And I've had to work on being clear and knowing what I want and not just taking everything upon myself.

[Anonymous]

OP, what kind of house do you have? How's the neighborhood? We had a house like what it sounds like you have. I truly hated it. There was only one bathroom, and it was on the top floor, meaning that you always had to go upstairs to use it. Upstairs was also where the bedrooms were and hauling a kid up and down those stairs many times a day was physically exausting. The kitchen sucked, no counter space, no place really to put a high-chair, no real place to store extra trays. The backyard and neighborhood sucked. Might it be that DH hates the house, so hates parenting because he is physically and mentally worn out? We moved to a much better house when our daughter was a toddler. I was amazed at the difference in my physical and mental health. I had room to store stuff. I only had to use stairs to do laundry, and we have enough clothes that that could even slip a day. The backyard was awesome. Your "be thankful for what we have" can also be code for "My husband is selfish if he disagrees that our house isn't perfect". Where and how you live make a huge difference. I'm not saying your house is wrong, just telling you my experiences. Your house may have been fine before kids. There is a reason these 1940's houses get remodeled. They simply don't work with today's lifestyle and expectations. And there is nothing wrong with today's expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what kind of house do you have? How's the neighborhood? We had a house like what it sounds like you have. I truly hated it. There was only one bathroom, and it was on the top floor, meaning that you always had to go upstairs to use it. Upstairs was also where the bedrooms were and hauling a kid up and down those stairs many times a day was physically exausting. The kitchen sucked, no counter space, no place really to put a high-chair, no real place to store extra trays. The backyard and neighborhood sucked. Might it be that DH hates the house, so hates parenting because he is physically and mentally worn out? We moved to a much better house when our daughter was a toddler. I was amazed at the difference in my physical and mental health. I had room to store stuff. I only had to use stairs to do laundry, and we have enough clothes that that could even slip a day. The backyard was awesome. Your "be thankful for what we have" can also be code for "My husband is selfish if he disagrees that our house isn't perfect". Where and how you live make a huge difference. I'm not saying your house is wrong, just telling you my experiences. Your house may have been fine before kids. There is a reason these 1940's houses get remodeled. They simply don't work with today's lifestyle and expectations. And there is nothing wrong with today's expectations.

OP again. Interesting that this was your experience! I don't think this was the case in my experience - unfortunately it wasn't so easy a fix! We actually love our house and bought it when our kids were 1 and 3, so we knew what we wanted with the kids. It's 1.5 bathrooms, so it stinks to share the bathroom upstairs, but we do have a "powder room" on the main level. And the kitchen is small, but the previous owners redid it and it is gorgeous and has lots of counter space considering. And we're fairly minimalist, so don't have a ton of stuff, but there is a huge section of the basement that is a storage area. Oh, and we have a good-sized flat backyard. I'm glad you found your solution though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another father here. Anyone in their right mind regrets having kids. It is a relentless nightmare.
I agree that there is not point complaining about it though. You can't push the shit back into the horse, as they say.
Next time he complains just point out that it is only a few more decades before the sweet release of death. Until then he just has to suck it up like the rest of us.

Love it!

But truly, once the kids are older it will be different. My husband had absolutely zero interest in caring for the children when they were small. However, he is the calm and beloved negotiator for them now that they are pre-teens. He really came into his own with them once they were over 5. Men are different, some did not have younger siblings or had too many, and they just don't get into it until the children get more interesting. (Don't flame me - small children have their boring moments!)