My DH regrets having kids
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Anonymous
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We have two young kids and both work full-time and are having a rough time of it - of course. We're exhausted and busy pretty much all the time, but the kids are young, we have a great house, great jobs, two great kids, etc. At the end of the day, even when we've worked all day, and then spent two hours or so trying to get both kids into bed, and everyone's exhausted, I still know that I am happy we made the decision to have kids. My DH on the other hand, says to me frequently that if he knew what he knows now, he would not have had the kids. This is heart breaking to me and is really hurting our relationship. He's fine with the kids - he plays with them and isn't mean or anything, but he's not a great dad and he definitely doesn't enjoying parenting. If I ask him to watch them so I can go out, he complains; if he's giving them a bath, he's on his iPhone while they're bathing instead of playing with them, etc.
I'm really not sure where to go from here. It's killing our relationship - I hardly feel like being intimate with him or even really spending any time with him because it's such a personal hurt to hear pretty much daily how he doesn't like his life with us and wishes he had made different choices. Thoughts? Anyone BTDT? Is this a marriage ending issue? I want him to realize how lucky he is and how awesome they are. |
Anonymous
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Next time your husband says that if he knew what he knows now, he would not have the kids, ask him what the point of saying that is. The kids are there, they're not going to disappera and he's going to have to deal with it, and make the best of the situation he has chosen.
I don't know how old your kids are, but some parents are better with interacting with kids as they get older (e.g., are not babies or toddlers anymore). |
Anonymous
Hey, I'm a single mom and occasionally I feel the same way. I entered momhood kind of unexpectedly and my life was pretty damn awesome before. I would have been fine not having kids. Some things about parenthood really don't suit me. I am very independent (which is part of why I'm not married) and it can be a drain on me to have someone depending on me all the time. I miss the relative spontaneity of my old life, even though I would not consider myself a spontaneous person. I miss "me" time and some of the hobbies I had to abandon. (golf, my volleyball team, dating, bar crawls.)  I have to tune out sometimes because I am just drained from the day and don't have much to give. That said, I love my daughter. I did ultimately choose to have her, and I don't regret it. I just have to be honest that I miss stuff about my old life. Her dad and I talk about it sometimes; he had never planned to have kids and he had to make some big changes too. But he seems ok with it most of the time.
Maybe you need to step back and NOT take your husband's words as a slam against you. He loves you. I'm assuming he never said the same thing about married life. He's just saying he doesn't love the changes in lifestyle that children have brought. I'm not saying it's ok, but you may just have to say something like, "Tough titties. Yeah, it's hard. It's hard for me too. But it WILL get easier. They will not always be this young and this needy and we will not always be this tired." If you have any guy friends with older kids who seem pretty happy, this might be the time to bring in reinforcements. Or you may need to figure out if there are ways to recapture parts of yourself that have been lost to kids. Could you give him a poker night with the boys or a night/weekend off, and you get a girls' night out? |
Anonymous
| OP here - Thanks for this, 13:46. I have a 1yo and a 3yo, so we are definitely at the "worst of it" according to others with older kids. And we did have kids "young" (for the DC area) - we're both 29 now. It's just with all the work I put into the kids and into organizing our life, etc, it's hurtful to have someone say that it's not worth it and I'm heartbroken that I have children who essentially are not wanted by their father because he'd rather be out at a bar than spending time with them - won't they feel that at some point if they don't already? I want to yell at him GROW UP AND GET OVER IT. |
Anonymous
Great house. Two Great Jobs. But you are exhausted every day... Maybe you need to give up some of the "great" stuff (not the kids) and get in a more relaxed situation where DH has a little time to do what he likes. Sounds you you are slaves to your lifestyle. |
Anonymous
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Hmm - I think it might be a communication issue. He is not expressing himself specifically enough, and has no empathy for all you give.
Have a serious talk about what he feels: does he miss his carefree life? Then he should say exactly that. Is he afraid this phase will never stop? That you have morphed permanently into a Mom and that he misses the Wife? Tell him to be proud and respectful of the parenting you do, and the parenting he does. And he should think twice before bundling all his angst into one hurtful phrase. |
Anonymous
Is there a way for you to get a night for yourself? Maybe drop the kids with grandparents and go out together? Sounds like you need a night off... |
Anonymous
| I feel the same as your DH. |
Anonymous
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" I want to yell at him GROW UP AND GET OVER IT. "
That won't help. Prepare to be a single mother. |
Anonymous
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"if he's giving them a bath, he's on his iPhone while they're bathing instead of playing with them"
If I co-parented with someone who criticized things such as this, I probably wouldn't regret having kids, but I might regret choosing to parent with this person. |
Anonymous
| People always feel so sorry for moms who have postpartum depression, but men can have the same thing and everybody hangs them up by their balls. Maybe talk him into some family counseling. I don't think this is uncommon. He needs to remember why you chose to have a family. The fact that he helps you get them ready for bed means he is still there emotionally. Let him vent and tell him that it is ok to feel over whelmed. Then get some help. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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Another father here. Anyone in their right mind regrets having kids. It is a relentless nightmare.
I agree that there is not point complaining about it though. You can't push the shit back into the horse, as they say. Next time he complains just point out that it is only a few more decades before the sweet release of death. Until then he just has to suck it up like the rest of us. |
Anonymous
| 15:45, you have put a smile on my face and made my day. |
Anonymous
OP here - let me clarify when I say "great house, great jobs" - I mean this in the "be thankful for what you have" sense. Our "great house" is great to us, but I'm sure a lot of DCUM moms wouldn't set foot in it It's 1940s - has some charm, but needs a lot of work, has a 70s porn basement, etc. We all share one bathroom and the kids share a bedroom. But it works great for us and we love it. And our great jobs are typical 9-5 Federal jobs - we make enough to be comfortable, but we make under $200k combined. So it's not like we're working our butts off in high-paying jobs to live in a McMansion.
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Anonymous
OP here - are you a father? If so, and if you truly feel this way - what could your wife do for you to help? And I mean besides just letting you go out and do whatever you want to do all the time - I mean realistically given that you have kids and you made these choices - what could she do to help? |